Ep #2: The Real Reason You Feel the Way You Do

I’m Mikki Gardner, and this is the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast, episode number two, The Real Reason You Feel the Way You Do. In this episode, we’re gonna dive into the real reasons that you feel overwhelmed, frustrated, helpless, [insert any feeling that you’re sick of], and more importantly, what you can do to feel better. Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name’s Mikki Gardner. I’m a Certified Life and Conscious Parenting Coach, with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I’m here to help you do the same. If you’re ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let’s dive into today’s episode. Hello, friend. Here we are again together for episode number two. And this is one of my most favorite topics: why you feel the way you do. So, why would this be one of my favorite topics? Well, I’m gonna start with a little story. So, the other day, I was on a call with a client, and this happens quite often. And she was telling me how frustrated she was with her ex-husband—how they just couldn’t agree. How there was always arguing. How they could never get on the same page. And she couldn’t feel anything but frustration and resentment because of him—because of the way that he was acting. She was so sick of it. He was criticizing her in the marriage and he’s still doing it now. In her mind, there was no way out until he changed—until things were different. And it left her feeling hopeless. Can you relate at all to this? I know I can. But here’s the thing: she was mistaken like so many of us are mistaken, when we don’t actually understand what’s causing our feelings. So, many of us think that it’s other people, it’s the situation that we’re in, it’s all of the things outside of us that cause our feelings. But that is 100% not the case. All of our feelings actually come from our thinking, not the external circumstances. So, here’s what I mean. So, something will happen in our life. There will be a divorce, someone will say something, there’s a number on a scale, there’s a number in our bank account, there’s a tsunami. Things happen outside of us. Our brain has a thought about that. From that thought, we create a feeling. Our feeling comes from how we were thinking. And then based on how we’re feeling, that determines what we do or what we don’t do—how we act. So, what really happens is we think and then we feel and then we act. This isn’t something that I just made up. You can look at this and find this throughout all of the great teachings of the great thinkers in the world. It’s a universal truth of how things work. Science has backed up how this works, whether it’s Greek philosophers, the Bible, the Torah, Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle, the Course of Miracles… Whatever it is, you will see this thread going through: you think and then you feel and then you act. So, why is this so important? Why is this my most favorite topic to talk about? Because this is the amazing news that we need, because it means that we are in charge of our feelings, not the outside world. Not our ex-husband. Not our kids. Not the mean person who cut us off in traffic. We are in charge. This is the place, when we understand this, where all of our power lies. And that’s why I get so excited about this. So, I just want to break it down a little bit more. So, a lot of times, we are like a fish in water. We’re swimming around in the bowl, and if someone were to come up to the bowl and say, “Hey, fish. How’s the water in there?”, you’re gonna be like, “What water are you talking about? I’m swimming around here.” That’s what thoughts are like. We have over 85,000 thoughts a day, and I’m sure the more that they learn about the brain, that number is even going up. There are unconscious thoughts. There are conscious thoughts. There are thought patterns. There are all kinds of things going on. We couldn’t possibly be aware of all the thoughts that are happening. Our brain is actually wired to protect us from this, and so it filters out, and we’re only conscious of a very, very small amount of these thoughts. But all of these thoughts that are in our brain are just thoughts. It’s just a sentence in your brain. It’s neither true nor false. It’s not right or wrong. It’s just a thought that happens. And a lot of times, we’ll have a thought that we’ve thought over and over and over. Maybe it’s, you know, “everyone ends up leaving me,” or “I’m unlovable,” or “I’m never good enough at this.” Often, we’ll have thoughts that we’ve thought so much that they just feel true. We get so attached to them because we think it all the time, so therefore, it must be true. But I want to tell you that thoughts are just sentences in your brain. They’re completely optional and you get to choose them. You can change them when you learn the skills and the tools to do so. And here’s the greatest slice of news that I’m gonna give you is that you are not your thoughts. All those thoughts I just described? They’re not you. Who are you? You are the observer of the thoughts. They are outside of you, and you are the one who is witnessing them. Even when you’re not aware of it, this is who you are. But so many times, the problem comes in when we feel attached to our thoughts, when we believe every thought that comes into our brain. When I was first taught this, I’ll be honest, I was, like, shell-shocked. The idea that I wasn’t my thoughts was so liberating and created so much freedom for me. I was, like, shouting from the rooftops, and everyone in my family was staring at me like, “Has she lost it?” But it was so exciting to know that I’m not my thoughts. I’m the one who’s witnessing them. And if I’m witnessing them, I can change them. So, when these things are outside of us, though, and we’re not aware of them and we’re just believing them, we’re kind of living on autopilot. What does autopilot look like? It means believing that other people are causing our pain. It’s believing all of our thoughts as just fact. And when we do this, we just end up reacting. We’re like that pinball that’s going from thing to thing to thing. We don’t want to live on autopilot, because when we do, we’re not choosing our life. We’re not choosing to do things on purpose. We’re not choosing to be intentional. And we are just a victim to our circumstances. This is not the empowered way that we want to live. This is not co-parenting with confidence. So, what we want to learn to do is be liberated from the prison of the negative thought patterns, and to become aware of our thoughts. Choose what we want to believe and move forward from there. So, this is all so important to know because when we skip over the thoughts, and we just believe that the cause of the way that we feel is someone else or what is happening in our life or what we can see, we’re skipping over all of the control that we have. And so, that’s why this is my favorite topic: because this is where our empowerment lies. When we are dependent on other people to change or things to change for us to feel better, instead of taking control, we just end up, again, being sort of a victim. So, when we understand that we’re not dependent on that, that we have the ability to take control of the way that we’re thinking, and we can take control of the way that we feel, and then we can take more control of the way that we act and show up. So, what does this look like? If I really want peace, I need to create that. If I want to stop fighting with my co-parenting partner, I have to stop engaging. If I want to show up differently, I have to think differently to do that. If I am thinking with the same patterns and the same thoughts, but I want to stop whatever behavior it is, I have to actually change the way I’m thinking about it. So, this brings me to one of the facts of life that’s so hard for us to understand, and I feel like as moms, we really wish that this could happen. And I don’t want to burst any bubbles, but one of the facts of life is that we cannot change other people. As much as we want to, as amazing as it would be if we could, we just can’t. Humans are here all with free will. Just like we have free will, so does everybody else. And so, we don’t get to change other people. But we can change how much power we give them over ourselves. If we don’t like something or someone, we need to take our attention away from it, because again, what we put our attention on—a.k.a. our thoughts—creates the way we feel and then dictates how we act. So, we have to start being more realistic about what actually is happening. What are we thinking? How are we feeling? Do we like it? Do we want to show up there? For us to create positive change, we have to start with awareness. Ideally, when we get to a place of really being more aware of our thoughts, more conscious in the way that we’re feeling, and choosing on purpose, we don’t need the world to change for us to be okay, because we know we will be okay because we’re in charge of ourselves. It’s about reframing our thoughts to choose what we focus on—what we can change versus focusing on what we can’t. And the most important thing I want to say here, too, is that this information—a lot of times, when we kind of get excited about, “Oh, well, if I I’m thinking this, I can change how I feel and act,” but then some of us have a tendency to start to beat ourselves up with it. Or to start overthinking. And we don’t want to do that either. It’s just coming from a place of awareness. Starting to understand and see our thoughts so that we can choose, “Do we like them? Are they useful? Do we believe them? Do we want to? Are they true? Are they not?” Just getting really curious around them. Because this skill of allowing ourselves to understand what we’re thinking, to create intentional feelings and actions—this is what empowers us to take control of what we have control over, which is you. This is the best news ever. It’s not him who’s causing you to [insert whatever thing you’re doing]. It’s not him who’s making you feel however it is you’re feeling. It’s ultimately the way that we’re thinking about it that does. But thinking alone doesn’t change the situation. We have to be willing to do the work to become aligned in the way that we’re thinking, in our feelings, in our actions. That’s what empowers us to show up as the way that we want to and as the mom that we want to be. So, before I wrap this up, I just really want to go over one more time. And I know I’m being repetitive here, but it’s counterintuitive to the way many of us are taught, and it’s so liberating, that I want you to hear me. So, the way that we are thinking creates the way that we feel. And then the way that we feel dictates how we act—what we do or what we don’t do. And those actions are what are creating our life. So, if we don’t like what’s happening or we’re wondering how we got somewhere, we have a way to backtrack and look at how we got there. When you start to understand why you’re feeling the way you do, and then you can see why you act that way, it’s so empowering. It’s so liberating to be able to say, “Oh, I see why I did that. Maybe next time, I don’t want to choose that route. Maybe I do.” But you get the choice. You always have choice. And that’s the most important thing I want you to walk away with today, is that you always have a choice about how you’re thinking, about how you’re feeling, and the way that you’re showing up. So, I want to make sure on every episode to give you tangible steps to start implementing this into your life today. And so, I want to give you some amazing ideas of how to become more intentional and more in control, especially the thoughts that are causing you pain. I have a lot of tools that I work with with my clients and on myself, but one of my most favorites is from Byron Katie. She is an amazing thought leader, but she has something she calls “the work,” and it’s four questions. The four questions can be applied to any thought that we’re having that’s causing us pain. And here are the questions. Number one: is it true? Number two: can you absolutely know that it’s true? And number three: how do you react when you believe that thought? Number four: who would you be without the thought? Once we answer these questions for ourselves, then we can start to see what we’re working with, and then we can create what she calls the turnaround, which is a sentence expressing the opposite of what we are currently believing. So, let’s look at how this might look in your life. So, there might be a painful thought: “In order for me to co-parent with my ex, I need him to admit the hurt and the betrayal that he caused me, and he needs to apologize and change who he is.” I’m summarizing many, many, many conversations that I’ve had and heard. So, that’s the painful thought. I would ask you, “Is it true?” And likely, you’re gonna say “yes” because you’ve been thinking that thought. But then we ask the second question: “Can you be absolutely, 100% sure that it’s true?” Okay, so if we’re being honest, we might say, “Well, no. I can’t actually know what would happen if he ever did come clean and apologize and change his way. Maybe I’d be happier. Maybe I’d still feel the way I do.” But what we know is that we don’t know 100% that that statement is true. So, then we move to the third question: “How do you react when you believe that thought?” “Well, when I believe the thought that he has to admit that he hurt and betrayed me and apologize and change who he is, I actually feel really heavy, bitter, weighed-down, maybe even vengeful. But I feel helpless because he has to do something for me to be happy.” So, then I go to question number four: “Who would you be without that thought?” And here’s where, if you ask that, you might say, “Well, I feel a little lighter. I definitely feel a little happier without that thought because it is weighing me down. “You know, and I also know he wouldn’t have so much control over the way that I’m feeling. Because when I think about it all the time, it’s like bringing it up over and over. And it still feels like he’s in control of the situation, not me and how I feel.” So, if we answered all those four questions in the dialogue that I just kind of proposed there, now we would turn it around. And the turnaround often takes a few iterations. But it might end up looking like, “You know, I need to admit that I’m actually hurting myself every time I ruminate on this. And instead of waiting for him to apologize, maybe I need to apologize to myself and focus on what I’m doing.” So, this is kind of a summary of the work that I do with my clients at times and certainly that I’ve done for myself so many times. Because when I find myself in a position where I’m thinking really, like a thought I am committed to. Like, I believe I’m right. Or “I believe something is totally hopeless.” I ask myself these four questions. I journal about it. And it’s so interesting what comes up, because it’s a way that we can start to look into the way that we’re thinking. Again, we’re that fish in water that’s just swimming around in all the thoughts. So, we have to step back and become the observer of the thoughts. And these four questions can really help you do that. So, you just need a couple minutes to do it. And so, next time you feel yourself feeling really stuck, frustrated, or ruminating about something, just try these four questions. They’re gonna be in the notes so that you can find them easily—in the show notes—but I wanted to put them out there for you. Because we can only change what we can see. So, we have to start with questioning and just becoming aware of the thoughts that we’re having. And I’m not gonna tell you that it’s a quick process. It’s not overnight. It takes time. It takes effort. But for you to become the mom that you want to be—the example to your children that you want to be—if you’re not doing it today, we need to adjust the way that you’re thinking about it. Because old thinking will not get you new results. I love that Einstein quote that “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I certainly have felt this many times. So, you know, I just wanted to offer these ideas to you because we have to be willing to start to be a little bit more flexible in our thinking so that we can get what we truly want in life. And this is your time to start deciding what you want and to start creating it for yourself. So, that’s what I have for you today. I am so grateful that you’re with me here. Thank you so much for listening and for being here in this community with me. And to celebrate the launch of the show, because it’s only episode two, I’m gonna be giving away $75 Amazon gift cards to three lucky listeners who follow, rate, and review the show. I want to give you something that brightens your day like subscribing and reviewing to this podcast brightens mine. And it doesn’t have to be a five-star review, although I sure would love that, but I want your honest feedback so that I can create a show that provides so much value to you, because that’s why I’m doing this. So, please visit CoParentingwithConfidence.com/PodcastLaunch to learn more about the contest and how to enter. I’ll be announcing the winners on a show in an upcoming episode. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. I know there’s a million other things that you could be doing, and I’m so grateful that you chose to be here with me. So, take care of yourself and I’ll see ya next week. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit CoParentingwithConfidence.com. I’ll see ya next week.