Ep #67: When You Only Have a Hammer, Everything Looks Like a Nail

Does it ever feel like you are always on the defensive in your co-parenting relationship? And maybe like every interaction you have is just a continuation of a fight from before, and maybe have you ever felt that you have to use force or be extra loud just to be heard or acknowledged and then feeling awful about it. Well, for so many parents and co-parents, this is what they feel when they go problem to problem with nothing getting fixed. And that's what we're gonna talk about today in this episode. [music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Welcome back. I am so excited to be with you here in 2023, I can't believe it, in episode 67. You know, this one I titled, I heard this saying the other day, "When the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail." And it made me chuckle, but it also was so reminiscent of how so many of my clients feel around co-parenting, right? We don't have a lot of tools. There is a common misconception around parenting that good parents are just naturally good parents, that you somehow just innately know how to do things. And if that were true, then many, many people would be much better at parenting than they are. But here's the thing, it is not natural. It's not innate necessarily. Loving your children, yes, that is natural and innate to many of us. But parenting and understanding the nuances in how to do that, this is a learned skill, right? You don't know how to parent until you do it. That's why with first time parents, with newborns, right, we're fumbling. We are trying to figure it out as we go. Well, co-parenting is no different because it's parenting with a lot of layered complexities on top. And so when we don't have a really wide toolbox full of tools to use for each and every different scenario that comes up, well, then we just get really limited with one, right? And so often what I see when my clients come to me is that the only tool they have is this hammer right to use to try to fix and to change and to beat back all of the frustration and the arguments that have happened. And so what we have to do is really learn new tools, acquire new skills so that we can address problems and meet the problems where they are, right? Instead of assuming something's a nail and hitting it with the hammer. Know when we have a bigger toolkit, so to speak, we have more resources. And so that's what's been coming up a lot this week as I come back with all of my clients after the holidays, and I know that if it's coming up for them, it's probably coming up for many of you too. So I wanted to talk about it, and one of the issues I keep seeing is about communication and specifically the other co-parents ability to communicate with the children. So this has been coming up a lot with those of my clients that have younger kids, right? Maybe they have phones, maybe they don't. But the other co-parent is insisting on daily communication, right? And this may or may not be in your parenting plan, and if it's not in the parenting plan, this is something that could come up along the way. Now, here's what I kept seeing with my clients, right? So the other co-parent, in these instances, I'm working with the mom, so I'm gonna say the mom and the dad, the other co-parent is saying, "I want daily communication and you are not allowing me to communicate." Now, the mom knows that she's not standing in the way, right? But it also feels as we start to talk about it that she feels like it's a bit of an interruption, right? That this, that the other co-parent just wants free reign, full access to the kid. And she starts to feel resentful about that. Feeling Like maybe they're trying to gather intel about what's happening at her house. Maybe she's feeling really infringed upon, like her time is being taken away by all these phone calls. Or maybe it's just another tactic for him to sort of gain control. And so it must be stopped, right? And this is where the hammer analogy came in. And so the mom saw it as a nail and wanted to hit it with a hammer, right? We have to stop it. It's a hard no. But here's the issue with co-parenting. It's not always exactly as it appears. And what I mean is we have to really stop and separate the kid issue and the co-parent issue, because oftentimes many of the issues that come up, there's two sides of the same coin. And so each side might need a different strategy, a different tool. So each of my clients that I talked to that this came up to, there's two in particular that I'm thinking about. You know, they talk to their children and the children are saying, I wanna be able to talk to the other co-parent. It's important that we communicate daily. Now, yes, the way that it's being said could be assumed that the other co-parent has planted these words and, not but, and the child may be looking for that communication. And so instead of interrogating the child, we have to kind of take it at face value, okay? If they're asking and they're wanting communication, that's one issue that we need to solve. On the other side of the coin is the co-parenting issue, okay? They're requesting this daily interaction that the mom is feeling infringed upon and is getting really resentful even at the thought of doing it, right? And so as we were talking, my job as her coach, as her mentor is to start to get curious. What's really, when we pull back the layers, really what's underneath this? Is it a problem that the other co-parent wants to communicate with their child or is there something else going on? And in each of the situations, we found out that really what was going on as we peeled back all the layers is the mom didn't want to feel like she was at the mercy or having to do one more thing that the other co-parent wanted, right? So this was an old wound that was coming up from the marriage, from the divorce, feeling like she had no choice, feeling like they were getting the upper hand. And so when we started to pull back those layers, we started to see this really wasn't an issue for the kid necessarily, but there was some healing for her to do. And so we had to look at that, right? Process those feelings, talk through what was going on. And so this is all part of the first step of conscious co-parenting that I work with each of my clients on is awareness. The awareness of what is actually happening when we peel back the layers. Can we understand? Maybe the problem is actually different than what we first thought it was, right? So if we come in just wielding our hammer, we might be pounding on something that isn't a nail. And so in this particular example, in these examples that I'm illustrating here, it wasn't so much the call that was so much of a problem as how she was feeling about it. And so that was based on her thoughts and her beliefs. And so those are things that she can change. Those are things that she can work on, that she can heal, so that she can address it differently. Each of the situations that we talked about when we got creative, we actually found solutions to this problem, right? One of them decided with her son that, you know, they eat dinner every night, so after dinner when they're cleaning up, that would be a great time to touch base with the other parent. It's really not infringing on anybody's time. Yes, there might be a time when they're going out or with friends or something, but the vast majority of the time this could be accommodated and we're not gonna do it forever, but we're just gonna do it on a trial basis. So she was able to find a solution without wielding the giant hammer to squash it with the hard no. The other thing that this did was it allowed her to open up the conversation with her child, to take it out of, "Your dad is always wanting to talk to you. Why does he always wanna talk to you?" Can you hear my tone? It changed. It's sort of that blaming or that negative connotation. So what we wanna do with our children is really separate out how they're thinking and feeling, what they're needing in this situation. And one of the moms, her son is old enough that he was able to say, I actually, I feel okay about having this nightly call. This is something that I wanna do. And he also said, I would do that with you, mom. So the child is taking a little bit more agency and stepping up and taking responsibility for their participation here. And sometimes when the kids are younger, they can't do that. But as they grow into adolescents and teenagers, we have to understand that they have a say in these things. Age appropriate, always, right? I'll preface this, always age and stage appropriate, but there's a way to open up a conversation, so that there can be awareness, there can be a conversation about what your child is looking for or needing or not needing. And so in this little example that I'm showing you here, the ways that we walk through the conscious co-parenting method by making sure that we're aware of what the actual problem is versus the story that we might initially be telling, right? We peel back those layers and figure that out. And so then we can decide what can we do about it? What are the options available at this moment? And then we can take aligned action towards that, towards a solution. And each of my clients, as we were talking about this, they did what all of us do. We start to doubt, the doubt creeps in, well, this is never gonna work, it's not gonna be good enough. They're gonna call on the times or the time we can't call it's gonna be a huge issue. We start to go into all of the what ifs. Well, in that moment, we have to bring ourself back to the present moment. What is going on today? At the end of the day, even if the kid doesn't wanna talk on the phone at the assigned time, these moms all feel good about it because they are creating a solution instead of continuing to be part of the problem. They're hearing the need, they're hearing the problem, they're finding a solution that most importantly they feel okay with, right? Something that they can actually sign up for and facilitate, right? She created this solution, she's gonna hold it. And at the end of the day, that's all we can do. We can't fix every problem every time, but the best that we can do is be aware of what's really going on, use what we have available, and take aligned action towards what feels good, what is in everyone's best interest, right? And sometimes we have to sacrifice or be willing to be more flexible or make adjustments if it's in the best interest of the child, maybe the overall co-parenting relationship. And that doesn't mean that we have to forever be a victim to it or forever be a doormat. Absolutely not. But when we are aware and we're looking at things with multiple tools in our toolkit, then we have a lot of resources available. And that's always my goal here on this podcast and with each of my clients. And maybe you're going through an issue right now, and maybe it's not, you know, communication with the other co-parent in the way that I described today. But whatever you are struggling with would be a perfect topic for you and I to discuss on a clarity call. Clarity calls are free, no strings attached calls that I offer you for listening here to this podcast. And what we do is together, you tell me everything you can about an issue that you're having, and we are going to pinpoint at least one area that you can apply some new tools that I will teach you and strategies and create an actionable plan that is actually doable, and that will ensure that you make progress and co-parent with more confidence and calm immediately. There are often small tools, just like what I described today, just being able to have a conversation with a coach or a mentor or a therapist to be able to peel back the layers to figure out what's really going on here and what options do I have available, what do I wanna do, and what's the aligned action that I can take? You know what this does, when we think this way, when we're cooperative, when we're collaborative, when we're open and curious? It opens up all kinds of possibilities and it opens us up to learning new strategies, learning new tools and new ways to parent and co-parent in a way that is beneficial, that actually gets us going in the direction that we want. Again, if we only have a hammer and we just use that for everything, we're gonna break a lot of stuff, right? Because not everything is the nail that needs the hammer. And so what I wanted to offer you today is just some new ideas of how to peel back the layers. And I hope that each of you, if you are struggling with issues in co-parenting, that you are reaching out for help. I love that you're listening to this podcast, and I hope that you know that I am here to be your coach and your mentor, and I am here to help you in any way that I can. There'll be a link in the show notes, so feel free to schedule a clarity call for me or just shoot me an email and tell me what's going on for you. And I am here to help you. But if it's not me, there are so many great co-parenting coaches out there, divorce coaches, therapists, people to help you because we cannot do this alone. It is so hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes. And having somebody to be able to pull back all the layers to figure out what's actually going on and then create a plan to go forward brings such calm and such ease I know to my clients and to myself. Listen, I've got a coach too. Coaches have coaches, right? We all need this. We all need that support. And I just hope that here in 2023, you are going to give yourself a gift of getting help. Give yourself the resources and the tools to be able to co-parent in a more calm, confident way because frankly, your kids need you to. That was one of the things that both of these clients, that we were talking to, it was just yesterday, my heart broke as the mom's hearts broke because each of the children were expressing the anxiety, the stress, and the worry that they are experiencing every day, especially when they have to go from one home to the other, right? Because there is so much contention, and these kids feel it. It's in our energy, even when we're not saying anything negative, even when we're keeping it to ourselves, when we're not managing our energy and we're not healing those wounds and those hurts, it leaks out and our kids feel it. And that is so destructive to our children. And here's the thing, these moms, they are the best moms in the world. I am so grateful for each of my clients because they love their children so much, and they are trying so hard and they're doing all the things. And even in those scenarios, our kids are still feeling the stress and the worry and the anxiety. So our sole job here, even if the other co-parent isn't on board with us and isn't helping or maybe is even adding to the problems, our job is to keep our side of the street clean, right? And make sure that we're not adding undue stress, undue anxiety, and additional worry to our children's plates. Listen, this is why I do this podcast, right? It's for each and every one of these beautiful children that we have, that we brought into this world. And divorce isn't what we wanted for them. Co-parenting isn't necessarily what we signed up for, but it is where we are. And so we have to learn to do it in the best way possible with love and calm and confidence and competence. And to do that, we have to learn new skills and get new tools and get the resources that we need. But most importantly, I want you to know that whatever you are struggling with, there is a solution. There is a way for you to feel better about it. Again, it might not fix the problem entirely, but when you are looking at it from what does my child need, what do I need, and what does the other co-parent need? And you're finding solutions through each of those avenues, you're doing it. You're doing the best that you can, and that is good enough. So that's my show for you today, and I just want you to remember, there are more tools than just the hammer. And so if you need help building up your toolkit and your toolbox, I would be honored to help you with that. Just go in the show notes and you'll find the link or head over to Instagram because I'm constantly posting things over there with tools and strategies to co-parent well, and I'd love to connect with you there. Feel free to DM me or tag me and we'll connect. Until next time, have an amazing week and take really, really good care of you, friend. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.