Ep #97: What to Do When You Weren’t Chosen

[music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode. Are you struggling with co-parenting to move forward with the co-parenting relationship because of what happened in your marriage? Maybe you're reeling from the pain and the rejection, maybe you weren't chosen, and maybe the other co-parent chose someone over you, and now it's leaving you really struggling to move forward in an effective way. Well, if you resonate with any of this, I want you to keep listening today because this message is for you. Before we dive into that, I just wanna say welcome back. I'm super excited that you're with me, and I am deeply, deeply grateful that you are here listening each week. And if you're new, welcome. I hope that you find inspiration and truth and help here. So before we dive into the episode, I would really appreciate it if you would do me a favor. It'll only take a minute of your time, but if you would rate and review the show, I would be so appreciative. And while you're there, hit subscribe because that'll make sure that you get all of the new content and are up to date on the new exciting things that are coming in the fall, because there's a lot of them. And I'm gonna talk about one at the end of this episode. But in the meantime, thank you so much for those of you who have reviewed the show, and please go ahead and subscribe. So today's topic, it's a hard one for me, honestly, because it hits home. And I know for each of you that have experienced not being chosen in your marriage and really feeling the sting of that rejection, the pain of the betrayal, and the gutting that that does to you, then you know what I'm talking about here. And I really wanna talk about what happens, how you co-parent after your ex chooses someone else, or just doesn't choose you in the marriage. And when you leave that marriage and you're starting into the co-parenting journey, it's extremely difficult when you don't feel chosen, when you feel flat out, rejected, thrown away, dismissed. How can you possibly move forward co-parenting with respect or kindness or cooperativeness when you have all these feelings? Well, that's what I wanna talk about today, because it is possible. You know, I know that so many people when they have experienced betrayal or rejection or the other partner leaving, it really is so painful in that moment, but it continues to be painful because of the stories that you tell yourself that you weren't enough, that it was about you, that you are somehow unlovable, or that you have no choices. And listen, so many of us spend days and months and years reeling from that pain, the quote unquote truth of what their truth is, the rejection. And it impacts not only that moment, but it impacts every single square inch of your life, your children, your relationships with your ex, your relationships moving forward, work, personal life. It literally affects everything because when we don't feel chosen, it's like a heavy cloud that is over you all of the time, and it makes moving on really, really difficult. But I, what I wanna talk to you about is that regardless of whether or not your ex chose you or didn't choose you or chose someone else over you, that does not mean that you don't have a choice today. They may not have chosen you, but that doesn't have to dictate what you do in this moment because that choice was in the past. And the only way that it's coming into the present moment is if you're bringing it with you. Now, this isn't a blame on you by any means, but what I'm saying is we have to be really honest with ourselves. What are you carrying from the past into today? Because if you are carrying their choice of not choosing you into today, that is going to affect today for you, not for them, but for you. And their choices have more to do with them than they do you. And I promise you this is true. It doesn't feel like it feels like it's all about you, but really other people's choices are mostly about them, their thoughts, their feelings, their actions. Now, I'm not saying you're perfect, and I'm saying that you're not a victim here either. It's really looking at it, how is the past affecting you today? Because that's where our control lies in today. So whatever choice was made in the past by your ex, by yourself, by whomever, that choice was in the past, and now today, you have a choice. You have a choice in this matter on what you decide to choose. You can either continue to stay stuck in the past, to choose the past, to choose the pain, to choose the hurt, to choose the resentment, to choose the stuckness, the frustration, all of those things that come along with dragging that past choice, someone else's choice into your today. Or you can make a different choice. You can make a different choice that's about progress and purpose and peace, and that is available to you when you decide to choose you, when you choose to love yourself, when you choose to take care of yourself, when you choose to respect yourself, when you choose to be honest with yourself, when you choose to take full responsibility for you and your choices from today forward. When you choose to set yourself free from their choices, when you choose to unhook your feelings from your ex's thoughts, their actions, and their words, this is a choice that you can make. I know that you can make it because I not only watch my clients make this choice, I made this choice, and I continue to make the choice every day. Sometimes it's easier than others, and sometimes the past feels like it's really affecting today. But even when it feels hard, even when there's pain, even when there's conflict, you still have the ability to make that choice for you today. If you experience not being chosen by your ex, if you continue to not be chosen today by their decisions, by their actions, by their thoughts, and by their words, I want you to know you still have a choice, because you can choose you. You can choose to liberate yourself from the story, from the beliefs, and from the hold that they have on you, because that is in your power. They can only affect you when you allow it. It's really about putting a stake in the ground and choosing to live your life of freedom, of releasing yourself from not being chosen and deciding to choose your life today. Choose you right now as you are. I know that you have the capability to choose to free yourself from the pain, from that story, from those beliefs, and to move forward with peace and with power. I want you to remember this because no matter what someone else chooses, that doesn't change your worth. You are a hundred percent worthy. You are a hundred percent loved, and you are a hundred percent exactly enough as you are no matter what your ex says or does. And I wanted you to know this today, that you're loved, you matter, and you have a choice. You have a choice on how you view not only the past, but moving forward. You get to choose you who you wanna be, the mom you wanna be, the co-parent you wanna be, the woman you wanna be, all of it. And it starts with that choice that you make today and moving forward. It really all comes down to choosing your own freedom, really freedom from the past, freedom from not being chosen, freedom from your acts and what they think or feel or how they act. It's choosing to liberate yourself so that you can show up the way that you want to, and you my friend are capable of doing this. If you are ready to choose you and you're ready to do the work, to make that choice each day moving forward, to grow and to learn, and to be more powerful than you could ever imagine, I want you to go to my website, mikkigardner.com/list and sign up to get on the wait list for something coming in the fall, because it's gonna be big, it's gonna be fun, and you and I are gonna do the work together. And so if you are interested in true emotional freedom in choosing you once and for all and for everyday moving forward, I want you to sign up so that you get all the information when it comes out. But most of all, I just want you to remember that you matter. No matter if you were chosen or not chosen. No matter if your ex chose someone else over you, no matter if they continue to choose themselves over you each and every day, that does not negate the choice that you have, and you are exactly enough and worthy and loved as you are, and you, my beautiful friend, can choose you. And I want you to do that for you today. I love you. I'm grateful that you're here with me each day, and until next time, I want you to take really, really good care of you, friend. Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or your qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]