Ep #56: What to Do When You Get Triggered … AGAIN

Welcome to the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast. I'm your host, Mikki Gardner, and this is episode number 56, What to Do When You Get Triggered … Again. [music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Welcome, friend. Thank you so much for being here with me. Listen, I know that there are so many great podcasts that you could be listening to, and frankly, so many things you could be doing, and I'm just really grateful that you're here with me. So right now I'm working on a new workshop that I'm gonna be doing at the end of this week, and it's all about getting triggered, 'cause let's face it, we all get triggered even in the best of circumstances. Even when we try so hard not to, we do get triggered because we're human in relationship with other humans and so we get triggered. So I've been working on this workshop of what to do then because this happens to all of us, but what does it mean and what can we do about it? Because all too often, we feel like we're just stuck repeating the same thing over and over. So before we dive into all about triggers, what I wanna do is say that if you are not signed up for the workshop right now and you're listening to this and you're like, "I didn't know about the workshop, Mikki," well, I want you to go to my website, www.mikkigardner.com and sign up for the Three Myths of Co-Parenting, because that will put you on my list and then you're the first to know about new workshops that I'm doing, any big news that's coming up and what I'm working on. So please use the link in the show notes and do that so that you don't miss out on the next workshop because I love doing these with you. It's ways for us to connect and for me to add value and it's at no cost to you. So many moms come to me trying to figure out how they can get the other co-parent to change, ultimately so that she can feel happier, more free and more in control. I'm guessing that you've probably felt this way, thinking, "Well, it's them. They do that and then I have to do this." Or, "They do that and I feel this way." And if I had an easy button that we could all just hit and make your co-parenting partner be an absolute delight, I would hand it over to you in a heartbeat, I promise. But the truth is is that you can't change other people, not even your kids, not your other co-parent, nobody. Let me repeat that. You cannot change other people, no matter how hard you try, no matter how you pretzel yourself, no matter how you manipulate the situation. It just doesn't work. So you're probably like, "Thanks for the newsflash, Mikki. I already knew this." Well, here's what I know to be true. We say that we know that we can't change other people, yet we keep trying to do it and we just keep getting stuck there over and over and over. So you might be thinking, "Okay, fine, so I am trying to change them because what else do I do when I feel attacked? When my ex is sending me a barrage of nastygrams or when they're blaming me for all the problems in our co-parenting relationship or when I am just so exhausted from having to defend myself for the one millionth time?" Well, what you do is you break the cycle. And what does that look like? It looks like choosing to focus on what you can control; you. You learn the tools to stay out of toxic communication and stay on the road to cooperative, calm co-parenting no matter what your co-parenting partner chooses to do. So that's really what we're talking about today. And I'm guessing you're here listening to this because at some point you have found yourself getting triggered. So have you ever been there where you start a conversation, innocent enough, and your ex says something that makes you feel the need to defend or explain yourself? So then you defend or explain your thoughts and feelings about it, and then your ex comes back and attacks back. Maybe manipulates, lies, just throws it all at you, and then you defend and attack back. What happens is you end up in this defend, attack, defend, attack, this endless cycle that goes on and on. And you're probably thinking that the problem is your ex, right? They're the problem 'cause they said all those things. They're the problem 'cause they're not cooperating. Or you think the problem is is that you don't wanna fight, but that you have to because you have to defend yourself against what they're doing. Or you might think that if you don't reply, they win, right? And you're thinking that the solution really is that your ex has to change or start cooperating or do something different in order for co-parenting to get better or to get out of this cycle. You think that you have to figure out a way to communicate with them, what words to say that will get them to see it differently. Or sometimes I see moms come to me and they think the only solution is just to give up, just to go along. It's just not gonna get any better. And when these are the solutions that you have, what you end up getting is exhaustion because you're trying to change everybody around you. You're trying to pretzel yourself into the most awkward positions trying to get somebody else to see you in a different way. You're irritable because you never feel heard or listened to. You end up resorting to yelling and then you feel regretful for the way that you acted, and you stay stuck in this endless mind drama of what to do. Is this familiar at all? This is when we get triggered over and over and over. But here's actually the problem. You're thinking that the other person's actions or words are forcing a reaction from you. You're believing the trigger point. Or the problem is is that you're not clear on your boundaries so you don't know what to respond to or not. You don't know what is a trigger and what isn't. You're not clear about where you end and the other person begins. I'll go more into that later. And you don't wanna deal with the other person's feelings or you feel responsible for their reaction, so you try to control it. You put all of your focus, energy and attention on what they're thinking, feeling and acting at the expense of your own well-being. So how do we solve this? Well, we first learn to identify your triggers. Be aware of them. And then you learn to set and enforce boundaries, high-value boundaries. And then the third thing you learn to do is you let your ex, your kids, whomever is triggering you, be disappointed or upset and you move forward with grace and confidence. What does that look like? It looks like your deciding to take 100% responsibility in your life. You stop handing over your feelings and frankly your sanity to other people who don't have the capacity or the right to be in charge of you. You decide that the only person in charge of you is you, and you decide your boundaries based on your values and you set and honor those boundaries consistently for yourself no matter what. You decide to let other people deal with their baggage, their emotions, and you move forward with strength and confidence and love. So you might be saying, "Okay, sounds good. I'm in. Let's figure it out." So what I wanna offer you today is a simple process to stop getting so triggered and instead learn what's really going on so that you can heal and transform that trigger into transformation, so that you can learn to move forward in a way that is aligned with what you want and what you need. Here's what we're not gonna talk about on this podcast. We're not gonna talk about how to get other people to change, we're not gonna focus on what they are or are not doing, and we're not blaming or staying stuck or giving up. What we are gonna do is be open and honest with yourself. I want you to take full responsibility here, responsibility for you. Not for other people, for you. I want you to allow for mistakes, allow yourself to get triggered. There is learning there, there is healing there. I want you to welcome failure. Marie Forleo has the most beautiful definition of failure. She says, "It is a faithful attempt in learning." I love this and I use it with my clients and my kid and myself every day. But we have to be willing to fail and learn from it. We have to be willing to get triggered, to make the mistake, and then figure out why it happened and how not to let it happen again. There's where the growth is. So first, let's just even define what is a trigger? A trigger is anything that you think is bad. A pretty broad definition, right? So often we get triggered when we think something outside of us is triggering us. We think there's this bad thing and we get triggered. There's two kinds of triggers that we need to be aware of; physical triggers, which frankly are justified, and emotional triggers, which are more subjective. A physical trigger might be pain, something that happens and you feel pain from it, you wanna move away from it. An emotional trigger is different. 99% of the time when we are being emotionally triggered, it's because of the past. It's because there is a wound inside of us that is being poked, that needs healing. Triggers are truly an invitation for you to heal the wound inside of you. So I wanna go through and show you what happens when you do get triggered so that we can sort of understand what happens. We all know what it feels like 'cause it happens on a daily basis, but I wanna talk through it. So something is said or done to you that makes you feel attacked or the need to defend. It makes you feel bad. Whenever this happens, whenever we have that feeling of being attacked or needing to defend, it means that there is something inside of us that is getting poked. If you think of it as an un-healed wound that just got salt poured in it. And that hurt part of you is recruiting protection. The protection will depend on you, who you are, what your life experience has been, what you've taught, what your ego does. Maybe you're a pleaser. Maybe you work really hard to people-please and make sure that everybody's okay around you. Maybe you are constantly affected by other people's emotions and you're just trying to change yourself or the situation to make their emotions different. That's people-pleasing in a nutshell. You might be a fixer. "I'm gonna fix everything. I'm just gonna jump right in and I'm gonna fix it because I don't wanna deal with this feeling inside of me, so I'm gonna change it. I'm gonna change everything to fix the situation." Maybe you're a fighter. Maybe you get right in there and you're just ready to attack. And maybe you're a fleer, meaning as soon as this trigger comes up, boom, you're out of there. There's many different ways this protection comes in, but basically there's an un-healed wound that gets salt poured in it and automatically the protection system goes in. That protection system is going to depend on you, but your defenses come up to protect you. What happens here is the reaction, when we get automatically triggered and we're just reacting to it because we're reacting from that protective place. So when we're focusing on the trigger and we're not looking underneath to understand what's the hurt underneath, what's going on behind it, we're not focusing on the real issue. We're just reacting. And when we're in that reactive mode, we're not in a conscious place. We're not making conscious decision that's in our best interest for our well-being. So when we feel that trigger come up, what we have to learn to do is to stop and understand, "Why am I being triggered?" If it's not physical or a justified trigger, then it is an emotional trigger. If it's emotional, we need to stop and pause and ask yourself, "Could this be about me?" Or, "Why am I being triggered right now?" It's really opening up to curiosity. Again, like I said a few minutes ago, we are not blaming here. We're not blaming the other person, we're not blaming you, but it's just getting curious. "Why am I being triggered? Why is this such a big deal for me right now? Why am I feeling the need to defend?" Because this shifts your focus to what you have control over. When you know what the actual issue is, what the wound that the salt is being poured into is, then you can figure out what you need to heal. And so that's the first step is becoming aware. Aware, A, "I'm being triggered." And then attune, "What is going on in my body? How am I feeling in my body?" And then we wanna analyze it and ask that question, "Where is this coming from?" So an analogy that I love from Dr. Shefali that she uses when triggered is ACT. And those are the A of the things I just went through. Awareness that you're being triggered, attunement to what you feel in your body, and then analyze, "Where is this coming from?" The C then is to choose. We choose to pause and we choose to respond with compassion for you in the situation versus reaction. I know I've talked a lot on this podcast about that. When we are in a reactive state, we are making unconscious decisions. We are just reactive. What we want to do is pause and choose our response. When you do this, it goes to the T of ACT. It's transforming your trigger into an opportunity for growth. This is how you break the cycle of being triggered all the time, is finding out, "Why am I being triggered? What is going on?" Pausing, giving yourself space to decide what needs to be healed, what needs to be dealt with and what doesn't, and giving yourself that so that you can transform that trigger and stop it so you don't keep continuing to repeat the pattern. So that's how you identify a trigger. And then once we've identified it, once we end up understanding it more, now we can move towards the high-value boundaries, because we have to create these to create a container for healing. High-value boundaries are what you will or won't do based on what matters most to you, your values. That's what values are. It's the decisions that you are gonna make and how you're gonna show up. So in that example that I was talking about at the top, the text example, when a conversation starts, they say something that you feel attacked, you feel the need to defend, and then they attack back and you get stuck in that cycle. So when you're thinking about your boundaries in that cycle, it's really important that you start to set limits for yourself. How are you going to show up? The way to break that cycle is really to start to decide how you want to act in that situation. So it might look like the text or the email conversation begins, your ex says something that makes you feel the need to defend or explain yourself, and you stop right there. As soon as you feel yourself you get triggered, you stop and you pause and you decide, "What is true for me right now? What is going on?" You attune to what's going on in your body and you analyze, "Where is this hurt coming from?" And then from that place, you decide what, if any, response is required. Once you make that decision, you may respond with facts, with truth, and then you politely excuse yourself from the communication and you don't engage anymore. What does that look like? "I will no longer continue this conversation," and you don't. That's a high-value boundary. It's you saying, "I am not going to respond to anything that isn't child-focused. I'm not gonna respond to anything that is a personal attack." Maybe it sounds like, "I will only reply with facts and things that are child-focused or require immediate attention for my child's best interest." Another boundary might look like, "I'm gonna institute a 24-hour rule before I respond to any text." Maybe you also put a boundary in place. "I will respond to a text within 48 hours or send a reply." I'm sorry. "I will respond," meaning reply if it's required within 48 hours. What this does is first, you don't have to respond. You give yourself a time frame between 24 and 48 hours so that, first and foremost, you're giving yourself the space to not react from a trigger, but to understand what's going on and to come from a responsive place. And then you're also giving yourself the parameters that, "I'm going to reply and I'm not gonna let it drag out." Because so often with my clients, I see maybe they only wanna respond on Tuesdays, so everything builds up to Tuesday and then Tuesday is this awful day that they have to reply to everything. Or maybe they don't reply and don't reply and don't reply 'cause they're waiting to figure out exactly how to say it, but really all that it's doing is keeping them internally triggered, internally moving and on that spiral. So it's really about creating boundaries that create a framework that you're honoring what is aligned with your values and that you're moving forward. That's what I meant by letting other people be disappointed or mad and you remain strong and steadfast. We do that when we know that we are aligned with what is most important to you. When you know that you are aligned to that and it's coming from a place of truth and love, it cannot be a bad decision. We can learn from it. Maybe we make a different decision later. But when we're always honoring what's true for us, what's most important and we're staying true to the goal of being child-focused, not continuing to be triggered and engage in the drama, these are the things that you have control over. That's how we put a stop to the trigger cycle. Now, I understand that this might feel a little bit over-simplified and I get it, but it actually is simple. Easy? Not at all. But simple? Yes. And it's most simple when we're able to understand what's going on. And listen, when you are in it and you're swimming around in it, it's really hard to see. That's why having a coach, that's why having a mentor or someone with you to be able to help you point out what's going on because when we're in the trigger, it is really hard to see it on our own, and that's why it's so helpful. I know in my own life, I, of course, have a coach, and what I do with my clients each and every day, it's like asking a goldfish, "How's the water today?" They don't know that they're in water. They're just swimming around in it. And we get like that in our triggers or in our worry thoughts or in our worry spirals. And so it's so helpful to have someone on your team, on your side helping you navigate and see this. And having said that, you can 100% do this for yourself. You are capable when you decide to ACT in a way that serves you. Remember ACT is awareness, awareness that I'm being triggered, attuning to, "What do I feel? What is going on in my body?" And analyzing, "Where is this coming from? Why am I being triggered?" And letting yourself get curious around that. The C is choosing to pause to create space for yourself, choosing a response instead of reacting. And the T is letting your triggers transform you by being an opportunity for learning and growth. I see this every day with my clients. We go through these patterns that they find themselves stuck in, frustrated that for years they've been stuck in this maybe same situation. They got divorced because they thought it was gonna make everything better. They thought it was gonna get easier when they didn't have to have the day-to-day interaction. Yet these patterns in these triggers continue to show up and they will continue until they are healed, because 99% of them are about a wound that needs to be healed and it's your body's way of saying, "We need help here." So if you know someone that could benefit from this episode today, I would be so grateful if you would share it with them. I need your help to continue to spread this message and offer support to all of the moms and women that need it. I am here for you and I am here for them, but just text them, maybe email it to them, take a screenshot and send it or share it on social. And if you do share it on IG, please tag me. I would love to get into a conversation with you there and hear what's resonating. I love spending this time with you here, and I'm so grateful that you're here with me. I'll see you next week. And in the meantime, take really, really good care of you, friend. [music] Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]