Ep #75: What to Do When You and Your Co-Parenting Partner Don’t Agree

[music] Welcome to Co-parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner, I'm a Certified Life and Conscious Parenting Coach, with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Welcome, friend. I'm so glad to be back here on the podcast, and today I have a solo episode that I'm really excited to talk to you about, because if there is one thing that can throw us off course quicker than anything else, it's conflict. So many times you believe that things are going one way, but your co-parenting partner might disagree, and that's the end of it. If you can't agree and get on the same page, it's just a dead end. That's not necessarily true, and in this episode, we're gonna talk about what to do when you and your co-parenting partner don't agree, how to not let that push you off the rails and let go of what your needs and desires are, and how to use it as a way forward towards the co-parenting relationship you want. But before we get into the episode, I wanna invite you to a very special Co-parenting Mama Meetup. I'm hosting it on Wednesday, March 22nd. So if you're hearing this when it comes out, you have all week to sign up. I would love to see you there. On March 22nd at 1:00 PM Eastern, so that's noon Central, and 10:00 AM Pacific, just to cover all the bases, we're gonna meet up together as co-parenting moms. And we're gonna discuss the complexities and the struggles that we all experience. And I'm gonna help us navigate the conversation and share ways to move through this co-parenting journey with strength and courage and confidence. Listen, we often feel alone in this, and if there's one thing I know, it's when we put ourselves in the environment to see that we're not alone, that can be so healing and empowering. So I want this to be an hour of connection and conversation with a great group of moms. So the link is in the show notes, and I can't wait to see you there. So sign up today. So, so many moms that I work with, and the ones that I talk to on the clarity calls, they come feeling super trapped and frustrated, and frankly exhausted, at the end of their rope because they don't see eye to eye with their co-parenting partner. They feel like they're on separate planets when it comes to co-parenting. Have you ever felt that way? I know that I have, and it often feels like if you're not on the same page, nothing's gonna get better. That's what I wanna talk about today. Because when we stay fixated on this same page, having to agree on everything, keeping everything the same, that idea of sameness actually is what gets in our way of taking action towards being the co-parent, the mom you wanna be. And I don't want you in that position one moment longer than you have to be. And so that's why I'm doing this episode, and we're gonna begin with understanding what's going on, and oftentimes, we're struggling because we don't understand what we're responsible for. So what you are responsible for in co-parenting, in any relationship of your life, you are responsible for your intention, not the reception. So what does that mean? It means that what you are carrying and how you show up is up to you, but your responsibility is not the other person's acceptance, agreement or behavior. You are solely responsible for your intention. Now listen, I know that that seems contrite, and we've heard this all before, but it really is so important because too many times we get fixated on how the other person is reacting and making that mean that we're wrong or asking for too much or out of line, whatever that looks like, and that's simply not true. Their reception is their responsibility. Your responsibility is your intention, how you are showing up and how you are coming to the relationship. And that's really all the work that I do with my clients, is really learning how to decide, "How am I coming at this? What is my intention? How am I showing up? How am I staying aligned with who I wanna be, even when other people may not agree?" Because, again, when we stay focused on what they think, what their actions are, we're inevitably putting all our focus on something that we have no control over. And when we do that, we are most of the time, 99% of the time, going to end up frustrated because they're not acting the way that we want, when really we need to be focused on what we can control, which is ourselves, the way that we're acting, the way that we're feeling, and the way that we're thinking. And listen, one of the topics that I talk a lot about with my clients, and certainly on this podcast, is the people-pleasing tendency that so many of us as moms have. As women, we have been indoctrinated into culture, religion, gender roles, that really glorify and suggest that we should be the peacekeeper, that it is our job to keep the peace, to be a people pleaser. And what this means is, oftentimes when we are in people-pleasing roles, the last thing we do is speak up, the last thing we do is stay true to what we believe and what we need and allowing our needs to matter. And so this comes up a lot in co-parenting because a lot of times the marriage ended for a lot of reasons, and we're trying to figure out a new dynamic. And to do that, we have to create a guiding force, a general direction of how we wanna show up as a mom. We have to have that vision so that we know where we're headed. I was just, last night, speaking with a group and it was all about, "How are we creating our guiding light?" It's like the lighthouse in the water. The lighthouse is there to help the ships come into shore, to get their bearings, especially, when the seas are really stormy and rough. All they have to do is keep their eye out for the lighthouse, for that light that's coming around so that they have their bearings. This is what we have to do. And when the other person doesn't agree, that's when the seas are stormy, that's when they're rough, and that is the time that we need this vision, and this direction, this intention more than ever. So one of the things that I talk about a lot is that co-parenting, we get very fixated on the day-to-day, but really it is a long-term game. We get fixated on the short-term, the pain that we might be feeling, the conflict that's having, but we have to stay sort of, again, in a really long-term focus, aligned with our intention. Because you're not wrong necessarily if the other person is upset or doesn't like what's going on or what you're doing, but they're not in charge of you. So we can't give them permission to have us stop from asking for what we need and what we believe in. Your responsibility is deciding what you want, how you wanna show up in co-parenting, what you want that vision in that relationship to look like. And then keep yourself on the path of creating it, not getting derailed by their shenanigans, by their disagreements, but really deciding, "This is who I wanna be, this is how I wanna show up, with love and care and confidence and calm, and how am I creating that today?" Again, long-term vision, but also, how am I creating it in this moment? So all of the work that I do and all of the value that I wanna offer you on this podcast is really giving you ideas and tools so that you can get on that road of staying true to who you wanna be. Our children need us to be strong, grounded moms. They need a safe haven to come back to, not a violent one, not someone who is in reactivity all the time, but actually someone who is calm and responsive, because what that teaches them is how to do that for themselves, and that is a successfully mature adult. And that's really the goal of what we're trying to do with our kids. So our kids don't learn by what we tell them, they don't learn from our words, they learn from our actions, they learn by watching how we live, how we interact and how we show up with others. And that's why this topic is so important because, even when there's conflict, even when there's disagreement, you are not responsible for the other person's reception, but you are 100% responsible for your intention. And doing this work, starting to understand and gain the skills that we need, listen, very few of us are innately just amazing parents. It is the one thing that we're allowed to do in life without any education, without any licensing, without any skill-building. We're just allowed to have a human and be completely responsible for them. But often, we don't know what's going on, and especially when we're healing from divorce, there is so much complexity to what's going on inside of us that we need help to heal. We need to be able to work through all of that so that we can show up as that grounded calm adult for our children and for ourselves. In this work that I do and that so many amazing coaches do, and therapist and all of the mental health professionals, it doesn't make you immune to the conflict or the disagreement or from the crappy things happening to you. Those things just do happen. But what the work does is help you contend with them differently. It doesn't stop the negative from coming at you, but it does absolutely make you capable of dealing with it in a more empowered, intentional way. It allows you to give other people the space to feel however they want without pushing you off your course. And when I talk about your intention, not being responsible for the reception, but being responsible for your intention, having the skill of being discerning is super helpful. And what does that mean? It means that you are aware of and very closely choosing who you talk to, what energy you allow around yourself, because so often we might have people in our lives that are well-intentioned and truly love us, but actually they're bringing a ton of negativity. It might be your mom who loves you dearly, but is really not understanding what it's like to be a co-parent. She might be bringing negativity, gossip or anything else that isn't building you up, it's actually just tearing you down the more that you talk about it. So you might have to move away, you might have to protect yourself from that negativity. That doesn't mean that you can't be in a relationship with her, but it does mean that maybe you don't talk to her about the things that are going on. You find someone else to be that support for you. It's really being discerning and not putting yourself in the line of fire, whether that's your ex, a friend, a family member. It doesn't mean that we have to cut ties with everyone who isn't positive. No, but it's also being discerning, what's okay and what's not okay, what helps you and what isn't helping you in this season of your life? And your ex and your co-parenting partner, not someone you can cut ties with at this point because you are co-parenting with them. But that doesn't mean that you can't be vigilant and set boundaries about the way that you wanna show up. And just because they bring you a big pile of, you know what, and dump it on your doorstep, not literally maybe, but figuratively, doesn't mean you have to pick it up. You can let them have their thoughts, their experience, without making it mean something about you. But this is work that we have to do, and we have to understand that we are only responsible for our intention and how we actually are showing up. It's about having the self-care and the self-preservation and the self-protection to take care of yourself, and again, not put yourself in the line of fire. And this is where I see the need for a mentor or a coach or a therapist to be so crucial in the co-parenting dynamic, because oftentimes, we haven't built the muscle to be able to really not believe what it is that they're saying or set down all of the crap that they're handing us so that we can take care of ourselves. Sometimes all of the baggage and drama and trauma that comes from the marriage is still impacting you well after, and so being able to have a coach who helps you build the muscle to be able to be discerning, and to be able to self-protect, and to be able to focus on what matters is so crucial. It's like when you have a broken bone and they take the cast off, that little muscle is so shriveled up. It's working, yes, but it doesn't have the strength to be able to do everything the other, if you have a broken arm, that the other can do. Well, this is what kind of it's like in co-parenting. We kind of take the cast off after we've started the healing process, but we haven't built the muscle yet to have that real strength and the ability to keep moving. Because there is always going to be conflict, there are always going to be battles, but if we haven't built up that muscle of awareness, of learning how to take responsibility for our choices and then take the aligned action towards what we want, we're not gonna win the battle because we just don't have the muscle to do it. So learning the skills to be able to strengthen these muscles increases your odds of success, and no one taught us any of this. It's not our fault. I know that you're doing the best that you can with what you have, but as the great Maya Angelou said, "When you know better, you do better," and that's why it is so crucial to reach out, to get support. We can't possibly just know how to co-parent because you don't innately get a download when you get divorced of all the things you need to know. No, it's the exact opposite of that. And so having someone in your corner to support you, and to build you up, and to help you create the habit of accountability, of staying aligned and feeling supported while you move through the discomfort of growth, is invaluable. Because when we don't agree, when there is conflict with the other person, it's uncomfortable. It creates a lot of uncertainty. We don't know which way to go, and that is when so many moms stop and they revert. Maybe this is when they go back to using silence or just agreeing with to keep the peace, instead of moving through it, understanding that what they want is on the other side of that uncomfortableness. Listen, hardship is gonna be there. Conflict is going to be there in co-parenting. It's just there in parenting half the time. But when we are not really taking ownership over our intention, showing up in the way that we want to, stopping the people-pleasing and the silence and the blanket agreement just to avoid the conflict, we're not setting ourselves up for success. And so what I wanted to offer you today is just this idea that your responsibility isn't what the other person does or doesn't do. Their reception of how you're showing up is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to decide, "Who do I wanna be as a mom and a co-parent?" And then work every day to stay aligned with that, because I guarantee you, I know you, you are a good-hearted mom. You're trying to do the best that you can, and so what you want is not unreasonable. And just because the other person doesn't wanna offer it to you with open arms and gift wrapped in the perfect bow, that's okay. It doesn't mean that it can't happen. All it means is that you have to learn to build the muscle to stay aligned with what you want, and to also take yourself out of the line of fire on the things that are not your responsibility, and that is self-care, that is self-preservation and self-protection. And so often, we need help learning how to do that. And you might say, "Well, you know what, Mikki, I don't know, because every time that the reception, the other person doesn't agree with me, I just feel like I'm wrong. I feel like I have to fix it." And I understand how you feel and why you feel that way, but maybe the next time that something comes up where you are in disagreement with the other co-parent or you guys aren't on the same page, I want you to ask yourselves a couple of questions. I want you to really check in. Maybe they have an unreasonable reaction to a request that you had, and that request was completely reasonable to you. I want you to ask yourself these questions, "I'm I happy with the mom that I'm being? Would I do anything differently? Do I still agree with the actions that I took, and are they in line with my intention?" If the answer was yes to all of those, then part of the deal is letting go of their reaction, letting go of the reception and allowing them their part, but holding true to who you wanna be. This is such a crucial part of learning how to co-parent well, is learning how to let the other person have their experience without it impacting and derailing you. And this doesn't mean that you're rigid, or that you're unreasonable, or that you're controlling. It means that you are very clear and aware and doing things with purpose and attention, aligned with who you truly wanna be and what you truly believe is in the best interest of your children, of you and the co-parenting relationship. And if that is your focus, and you're moving forward in that direction, listen, they may not agree and they might act completely a fool, but it doesn't mean that you shouldn't keep going. And that's where I think having the support of other women who are going through this, having the support of a mentor to walk with you on this journey, to help you point out where maybe you've gone off track or helping you stay on track when it gets really uncomfortable, because it's often those growing pains, that uncomfortableness, that when we feel it, we're actually really close to change, but we have to be willing to go through it. I always think about it as I remember when my son was smaller and he was having growing pains, especially in his legs, they would hurt so badly, and there wasn't really anything I could do. I would rub his legs, I would tell him that it's gonna be okay, because I didn't get worked up about it, because I knew this is all part of the process, it's totally natural. He's growing, his bones are moving and growing and new things are happening, and sometimes there's discomfort, but it's actually a necessary discomfort, and I want you to apply the same idea here. Just because the other person isn't on the same page, doesn't agree completely, or because there's a conflict, doesn't mean that you're not on the right track. And so part of that is really just being very clear in yourself, being really aware of what is true for you, and are you making the choices that are aligned with who you wanna be? And if you're doing that, mama, you're doing a great job. And I'm here to help you with that. That's why I'm doing this podcast, and this is why I put on the episodes and bring on experts and we talk about these things, because this is what I see in my private clients, what's going on, and I am just so grateful that they have reached out, that they have the courage and the ability to say, "Hey, I need help here." And if it's not coaching, listen, there are so many things out there. There's not just one way to heal and grow. No, there's many... And many times we need all the things. It's not just one thing, it's all the things. There's podcasts, there's books, there's groups, there's therapy, there's coaching, there's all of the things, but I just want you to remember that you are worthy, and you are loved, and you are capable of having exactly what you want in your life and being the mom you truly wanna be, even when the other co-parent might make that difficult, it doesn't mean you can't do it. And so I want you to give yourself what you need to help strengthen that muscle to do it, because you are not alone, and we are all going through this. And I promise you, when you continue to go on the path of staying aligned with your intention and letting go of the other person's reception, it makes it a lot less cumbersome. So that's the show that I have for you today. And if you know someone who could benefit from this conversation, I would be so, so grateful if you would share it with them. And if you would be willing to do me a big favor and rate and review the show, I cannot tell you how much I would appreciate it. It's the life blood for podcasters, and so if you would take the time to go over on Apple iTunes and actually rate and review the show, I would be so grateful and I will give you a shout out on an upcoming episode. Thanks for spending time with me. I'll see you next time, and in the meantime, take really, really good care of you, friend. [music] Thanks for listening to Co-parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]