Ep #96: What Happens When We Suppress to Impress

Hey friends, do you sometimes feel completely exhausted from trying to control the other co-parent's opinions and behaviors? Are you frustrated how your... Despite your tireless efforts, the other co-parent is just not getting on board? Or do you feel like you really wish that you could feel connected to your kids after the divorce, but now that your time's split, it seems impossible and they're just drifting away? Well, this episode is for you, so keep listening. Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up is the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey. I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode. So this episode is a little bit of a continuation from last week's on speaking up. If you didn't hear it yet, I encourage you to go ahead and listen to that one because it's really important. But the topic of today is really around people pleasing. And this is something that I have spent a lot of time and a lot of effort on, not only in my own life, but with so many of the beautiful moms that I work with, and even some dads, because so many of us are people pleasers. We come by it honestly, because we've been taught to be that it's not a personality trait, it's something that we've learned. And in learning that it's really affecting so many of us and it really affecting how we parent and co-parent. And that's why I wanna talk about it today. And I'm gonna be talking about it a lot in the future because if you don't follow me on Instagram, you might not know. But I did write a book, it's gonna be coming out in the fall of 2023 this fall. And I am so excited to share it with you because it's really about all of this. About people pleasing and how people pleasing can hold us back. People pleasing is defined as someone or something that pleases or wants to please other people. Now that doesn't really sound that bad, right? But really where people pleasing becomes a problem is when it's an emotional need to please others, often at the expense of yourself, your needs or your desires. And this is where I see it really come into play in co-parenting. And I'm gonna talk a lot more about people pleasing as we move forward in the fall. But what I wanted to talk about today is why does people pleasing happen? Well, it's really just one end of a spectrum. And it's a spectrum of when we are suppressing our feelings, our needs, our desires, and our emotions. And when we suppress those things long enough, they come out in either one way or the other. One way is people pleasing, right? Really needing to please other people at the expense of ourselves. And then on the other end of that, people pleasing is anger, right? Sort of lashing out and snarkiness. I'm gonna call it snarkiness instead of the B word here, because I don't like that word. But we can either be really, really snarky and angry and maybe passive-aggressive and we're lashing out, or the opposite end of that's people pleasing, right? Because people pleasing is essentially lying. It's not telling the truth, it's not honoring what's true. It's trying to placate, avoid and suppress so that we don't have to deal with it. And hopefully the idea behind people pleasing, at least your brain thinks, is to avoid the argument, to avoid the conflict, to make the other person happy, so they're happy with you. But really, when it all comes from the root of suppression, it's not gonna work well. And what do I mean by suppression? Well, when we are not being honest about our feelings, our needs, our wants and our desires, and we're suppressing that, it's like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. You can do it for a little bit, right? But not for long, not forever. And it's frankly exhausting to try to keep holding that beach ball underwater. And eventually the beach ball's gonna end up in the air and you're gonna end up underneath the water. So instead, what we wanna do is start to choose not to get to either end, the people pleasing end or the snarky end, but really align yourself to the middle, so that you can avoid the exhaustion that comes with trying to control suppress and just manhandle the emotions, the other person, whatever. When we're not being honest with ourselves, or we're so focused on pleasing the other person, we really lose sight of what's true and what's going on in the present moment. We start to become so fixated on what's going on with the other person and trying to control that, that we lose sight of what we do have control over. Because when we are stuck in either anger, we're just lashing out, right? That snarkiness. We're lashing out, we're creating messes that you're gonna have to clean up later. And you're not showing up in a way that you feel good about. And when you're on the people-pleasing end, right? You might look the part like you're doing all the things and taking care of everyone and putting a smile on your face, even though you're very unhappy because you're suppressing everything. People pleasing isn't helpful either because it hinders your growth and robs you of your peace. Because when we're people pleasing, we often have a lack of boundaries. We're not taking responsibility. We have a lack of vision and values. We have a lack of confidence and motivation and a lack of communication, right? Those strategies and skills to move forward because we're frankly so focused on either avoiding placating or just downright suppressing what we don't wanna feel and concentrated on the other person. So instead, like I said, what we wanna do is choose to move towards the middle, towards alignment. Alignment with honesty, intention, purpose, and most of all, peace. And it is possible. When we start to understand what's going on, we become aware of what we're doing and we make a choice to stay out of people pleasing. The first step is just realizing you are a people-pleaser. [laughter] I know for me, that took me saying, This is who I am. I live on that end of the spectrum, and then sometimes the beach ball flies out from under me, and I'm over on the snarky end, but I wasn't in the middle. And that's where I really work with all my clients. And I want you to know that there is a middle, there's an aligned place, and that's where calm and peace and confidence come in. But it's really making that choice. So how do we make that choice? Well, first and foremost, we make the choice by being aware that we are even on the spectrum, right? That we're suppressing something. Because so often we're just unconscious, we're just moving. We're just going from one thing to the next. We're just acting and we think that we're just doing what has to be done or responding to what is going on from the other people. But this is the reactionary place to live. This isn't living on purpose and with intention. And so part of being able to choose differently is we have to be aware. We have to be conscious. And so that is always step one. Before we can get to choice, we have to be aware of what's going on. And that is admitting to ourselves, being honest with ourselves about where we are pleasing, right? Maybe we are pleasing others or we're stuck in that anger or that snarkiness. Because until you are aware of it and willing to look at it with open, honest eyes, you cannot change it. And so we do that by noticing how you're feeling. If you are feeling frustrated, if you're blaming the other person, if you are giving them all of the control of how you're feeling, if you're feeling very victimized, all of these things are just messengers, right? Feelings are simply messengers from your body that something is out of alignment. And so we want to get back into alignment. So we have to be aware of how you're feeling. So when you feel any of these feelings that make you want to either end up in the snarky end of things, or in the people pleasing. That neediness to control that neediness for the other person to hear you, to understand you, to see you, that frustration that you're not being seen, that you're not being heard. Any of that is where you really wanna focus and start to get honest and ask yourself, Well, what is going on? What am I feeling right now? And then through that awareness, you can start to understand where you need to shift. Because we can't get to the options until we're aware. And so asking yourself, how am I feeling and why with openness and curiosity, why am I feeling this way, right? Because you want the other person to understand you. Because you want the other person to agree with you. You want the other person to stop doing X, Y, Z. Okay. Why do you want them to do that? You just keep peeling back the layers of why. Why do I want that? Well, because I would feel safe, or I would feel heard, or I would feel understood. Okay? So that's what your desire is, that's what's being suppressed at the moment. And so how can you bring that into the light? And that's where the choices start to come in. To choose to not people please, but to actually make the choice to start giving yourself what you need to not suppress, but actually give yourself what it is that you're asking for. And this is where episode number 95 about speaking up comes in. Is even in the smallest ways, being willing to speak up. Do not continue to suppress. Because that suppression of you and what you want and your needs comes out either in the anger and the snarkiness or on the other end in the excessive people pleasing. And so we don't wanna get to either end, we wanna really align towards the middle. Because that middle place is where all of your power is, all of your freedom. And instead of having to wait for other people to see you or hear you, or give you what you want or wait for their approval or any of that, you can do that for yourself today. And that is starting with saying, No more people pleasing, no more snarkiness, than I just spew out into everyone that you're gonna be present and purposeful and intentional with where you are today. We're gonna have a lot more of this topic coming up in the future with the book launch and everything else happening, and I'm so excited for it. So if you wanna hear about some of the fun events that are coming up and ways that you can start to do this work in your own life, I want you to go to my website, which is www.mikkigardner.com/list, and get on the list so that you are in the know of all the upcoming stuff. Because listen, my friend, we're gonna have some fun together coming this fall. And I want you to really start feeling empowered, feeling like you're living on purpose, where you're not waiting to please others, but you're pleasing yourself. And then by default, right? You don't have to please others, but you get to from a place of love and abundance and generosity, and that's where you wanna be living from. Because that's what feels good and fills you up. And so I want that for you. Just remember, even if you are people pleasing, we people pleasers, we're awesome, we're successful, we're overachievers, we get all this stuff done. We're kind, we're loving, right? Being a people pleaser is not some scarlet letter, but it can really hold you back. And that's what I want you to step out of, the holding the back, and then take all the juicy parts and really be able to celebrate you and your family and your kiddos. Alright. Until next time, take care of yourself. And remember, you are very much loved. You matter, and you deserve all the goodness in life. So let's get you there. Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.