Ep #60: The Value of a Coach

Welcome to the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast. I'm your host Mikki Gardner. And this is episode number 60, The Value of a Coach. Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom. They truly want to be. My name is Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode. Thank you for being here with me. I love having this time with you each week, and I'm so grateful that you're here with me. Listen, I know there's so many things that you could be doing but the fact that you're taking me along with you and listening to this podcast means the world to me. And if you're new here welcome. I'm so glad you found me. So this episode is a special one because I get to share all of the things that I love about coaching and some of my clients are here with me to share theirs. Coaching has truly transformed my life in so many ways and I feel like I'm still uncovering them like little presents that my future self has left to me. And now I get to be part of that journey for other people, and it is such a gift. And as much as I think everybody knows about life coaching, I know that that's just not true. For a lot of people. They're like, "What the heck is life coaching? I don't even understand." So that's what I wanted to talk about today. What is it that we do in life coaching? And why is it valuable? I mean, let's face it, life is challenging, life is difficult. There are hard times, and there are amazing times. And all too often, we don't know what to do when the hard times come and all too often, when we don't know what to do when, we don't have the skills to navigate it, we end up creating more suffering for ourselves. Life is always already painful and that's just part of life, part of being human, part of this existence. But the added suffering and pain that we inflict when we don't know how to handle things, we don't know how to cope, well that is optional. And this is where we want to start to talk about what life coaching does. It really offers you the coping skills. So many of us were not raised learning how to understand ourselves, our feelings, conflict. None of this was normalized. So many of us grew up where emotions were ignored, they were prohibited or they were just you know brushed aside. And so when we do come upon challenging times in life and we don't have the coping skills to handle it, We end up creating a lot more mess. So what are these coping skills look like? Well, it starts with learning how to become aware of our thoughts and our feelings. I mean, most of us are really unconscious, meaning that we're not even aware of our thoughts. We just hear this voice in our head and we sort of believe whatever it's saying. So often when this is the case, we also have this belief that life is happening to us, right? So when we aren't aware of our thoughts, we're just blindly believing whatever is in our head. And this is like living our life asleep. So when we become more aware of our thoughts. Well, this is amazing because it starts to create choices. We can start to steer away from instead of getting sucked into the unnecessary drama. When we stop believing the lies in your head, we are able to believe something different. The way that I like to think about thoughts is it's like the water that we're swimming it. So if we think about a goldfish in a little glass bowl if we tap on the glass and we ask him How's the water? He's not gonna know what the heck we're talking about. He's gonna say, "What water?" That's how we are with our thoughts. When we don't understand that we are separate from our thoughts, we're just swimming around in them believing whatever is in the water. And this is one of the coping skills that is so powerful in life coaching. Learning how to separate from our thoughts so that we have choice and we have agency. Another really important coping skill that we teach in life coaching is how to feel our feelings. And you might be saying, "You know what Mikki, I'm divorced and I'm co-parenting. I know my feelings." Alright. We have a lot of big feelings, but honestly very few of us were taught how to identify and name our feelings. Let alone how to process them. I know that I wasn't and it's not that our parents were trying not to teach us, they didn't know a lot of them weren't taught and so now we have to learn to not only be aware of our feelings, identify them, be able to name them, and differentiate them, but also Process them. And why is this so important? Because if you're not able to process your feelings you are going to find another way to deal with them. Too often, it's by not dealing with them. Meaning avoiding your feelings, ignoring them, resisting them. How do we do that? We over drink, we overeat, we keep ourselves busy, we over function. Not being able to name and feel and process our feelings is why we are the most addicted, medicated, in debt, unhappy humans to have ever walked the earth. Learning how to feel your feelings and process them is your liberation and so two of the coping skills that I have valued so much from life coaching and that I work with my clients each and every day on is learning how to become aware of and separate from our thoughts so that we can have choice and agency in life and then learning how to name, feel, and process our feelings. So that we are not a prisoner of them, but that we actually can use them to our advantage. Something else that we do a lot in life coaching that I love is mindset and perspective work. Having the right mindset in co-parenting is massive. You know when you are co-parenting often that journey starts during a very difficult time, right? Either during or just post divorce. Likely there has been a lot of devastation, loss, grief, conflict all of this is happening. You may or may not even be processing it yet and you're expected to cooperate with this person that you once loved, but now maybe you can't even stand. This person who might have caused the most significant pain you've ever experienced and you are expected to cooperate and learn how to co-parent effectively. And by the way quickly. And this is where mindset comes in. This work of learning how to co-parent, of learning how to heal, and move past everything that's gone on to create a new relationship, a new set of rules, a new understanding, with new expectations, this takes a tremendous amount of work, grace, and healing. And all too often, we can't see the forest for the trees. When you are in it, it is so hard to see the bigger picture and that's where I know for me coaching was invaluable. And this is what I'm so happy that I can offer my clients each and every day. Because a coach will help you. When you can't see the forest for the trees, they will stand on the edge of the forest and call you out and lead you to find your own path out of the darkness. So when we look at mindset, right? Many of you I'm sure have heard and we've talked about a growth versus a fixed mindset. A fixed mindset really believes that things are limited that you can't change that, you know everything, you know, sort of that you're limited in your talent based on who you are, what your experiences have been versus a growth mindset that really believes that you can learn, that you can grow, that there's possibility, that you can figure things out. This is the mindset that is crucial in co-parenting because there are always going to be conflicts, there are always going to be frustrations and things that you don't know what to do with. You don't know what you don't know in parenting for sure and then add co-parenting, it's a whole nother level of don't know. And so we really have to hold a growth mindset in order for us to evolve and grow and learn. And that's one of the things that life coaching has been so effective in all of my clients' lives and in mine and having a coach has been one of the most powerful experiences. For me I know and my clients and so many people I talk to just in parenting because there's a myth with parenting that a good parent is just comes naturally, right? But parenting does not come naturally. It is a learned skill. And how do I know this because the vast amount of people either do one of two things. They either parent exactly the way that they were parented, right? If it ain't broke don't fix it, or they do the exact opposite. Well, this type in this direction of parenting either doing what you knew or the exact opposite of it's just reactionary and really parenting and co-parenting well comes from learning to be responsive, right? And that takes us opening up, learning, and discovering things that we don't know. So we have to be willing to again have that growth mindset, to be able to navigate what's in front of me, and how am I going to best deal with it? And let's be honest co-parenting well is not a concept we hear a lot about. Society has a very limited framework and limited examples of good co-parenting. Hollywood and society and generationally honestly most divorces were viewed as pretty bad and wow many times have we heard about the broken homes because of divorce? Where cooperation wasn't the goal and that conflict was completely expected? So really what we want to do, what we're talking about on this podcast and in so many of the conversations that I'm in in the industry and with my clients is shifting this paradigm to really focusing on co-parenting well, and that's you co-parenting well. The beauty of coaching is that you surround yourself with people who lift you up to this possibility. People only reach for the highest branch that they can see, and so if your co-parenting partner is a low branch and always pulling you down, you need to see other options, you need to look up for higher branches. Having a coach offers you someone who understands what you're going through, who has the experience, the tools, and the expertise to guide you as you navigate the ups and downs of co-parenting? So really surrounding yourself and having people around you that offer you possibility that are examples of what it is you want in life. It's so important for us to have that. You know a mentor or a coach can be so impactful because they're looking in their rearview mirror at where you are today. They've been there. They've moved forward, and they have what you're looking for. And so they can help you along your journey. And having someone like this in your corner is so impactful. The other thing that coaching really does the value that it brings is clarity. I mean, let's be honest, we are living on a 24-hour news cycle with a media that is completely fear-based. It's all about scare tactics to increase revenue, increase readership or eyes on the viewer. Everyone is telling you what to do from your neighbor, to your family, to the person on the TV, to the person on the news, to Hollywood, and your ex might be blaming you for everything. This is a lot of noise and the thing that coaching helps you do is gain clarity. It helps you drown out all the voices so that you can hear yourself. You are the one that holds all of the answers, but you have to be able to hear those answers. They come from inside, from your intuition, from your deepest knowing that each and every one of you have. We all are born with this because we are all cut from the same cloth. We are all from source and this is available to us. But to do that you have to learn to drown out all of the excess noise, so that you can hear clearly. You know, and honestly, it's important to understand that our brains are wired for belonging. We're meant to be in community. So what other people think is really important to us. It is biologically wired into us. So when someone else is anxious or angry, we naturally sort of take on those emotions. We are wired to be susceptible to other people's emotions, other people's words, other people's actions because we're wired for belonging, right? It's a safety mechanism that's built into us. But the problem is just because someone else is anxious or angry or panicking, you don't have to meet them there. But when we aren't aware of this and we don't have a level of awareness and attunement to ourselves and where we're at in our present moment, we just take on other people's energy, opinions, all of it. So it's really important that you have the clarity, and the awareness, and the attunement to what is true for you. Because when you are aware, when you are in a strong place drowning out all the noise and being clear on what's true for you, well, then you start to make decisions based on what you need, what you want, and what you believe in. This is aligned action. Aligned action is the third pillar of the work that I do with each and every one of my clients. Aligned action is what creates the life that you want not just busyness, not just action, but taking action that is aligned with what you want. This is what coaching helps you do. Starts to help you become aware of what's going on, accept and attune to what is true and then take aligned action from that place. This is the transformation and the power and the value of coaching. You get to choose what you believe, but that takes the awareness and the responsibility of making those choices on purpose instead of just reacting, right? Reacting to all the noise. And that's why it's so important to have someone in your corner so that you're not ignoring what's going on, but becoming clear to what is true, what is happening. And you know something important to note is that coaching is never about rehashing the past, right? I love therapy. I'm all for therapy. And a lot of times people think that therapy is based on sort of rehashing the past, right? And they're almost not wanting to do that 'cause you don't want to be retraumatized by all of the things that already happened. Coaching isn't about rehashing the past or blaming or living in a future toxic positivity mode. It's about getting really, really clear and realistic to what is true. And then taking powerful action from that place. It's about learning the skills to detach and unhook, so that you're not so susceptible to those other people's words and actions and emotions. This is a crucial skill in co-parenting, learning how to unhook from the other person's opinions, the other person's actions, the other parents words. When you are solid in who you are and grounded in what is true for you, you don't get sucked into the drama, you don't get sucked into the words and you keep a line towards what is true for you. Coaching helps you become resistant to other people's opinions, actions, and frankly BS. This is a powerful place because you just don't get stuck in that drama. Your mind is always working to figure it out, always working to keep yourself aligned with what you want. You become resistant from all of the mind drama, all of the, "I can't," all of the, "It's not fair." You become resistant in what other people tell you. And you might think that I'm saying that you just become oblivious, that's not true. You just aren't dependent on other people telling you what the solution is or needing the other co-parent to act a certain way so that you can feel better. Because you become very much in control of your thoughts, your feelings, and you create your own safety your, own Security, your own love, your own money, your own joy, all of it. Coaching really does help you step into your personal agency. It helps you take the challenges and become stronger because of them. You can use them as a catalyst to propel you to the highest version of you. You show up with resilience and grace and strength, and When you do that, you are teaching your children how to do that. You are a living breathing example of it, and I can't think of anything more important to be for our children. You know the thing that I work so closely with my clients on and that I believe coaching is so empowering for is really creating a vision for the family that you want based on what matters to you, not based on the past, not based on what the other co-parent is telling you you should want, but based on what you truly desire. And then you simplify all of your actions to become aligned to that vision. You learn how to make decisions and disappoint others. Yep. You heard me, right? You'll learn to disappoint others and love yourself no matter what. You learn the emotional management. What does that mean? It means learning to be uncomfortable without reacting and you learn to take 100% responsibility over your 50% of any relationship without expecting your ex to change. This is power. This is freedom. This is liberation. So all of those things are immense values from coaching. But you know what I think my favorite part about coaching is, it's just having someone in your corner every week, at least with my clients we're together every week, having someone who sees you, who listens to you, who believes in you 100% even when you don't believe in yourself. Here's what I know to be true, each and every one of us are whole and worthy and deserving of everything you want in life in all the abundance that this world has to offer. Life is simply waiting on you to believe that, to act on it, and to prove it. I hold this belief for you, you that's listening, for my clients, for my future clients. I hold this belief for you because I know it's true and I will hold it for you until you are willing and able to believe it for yourself. This is what I think the value of a coach is, but I don't want you just to hear it from me I've asked a couple of my clients what's been valuable. What have been the benefits of coaching for them? Because I think it's helpful for you to hear it from me. Sure, but it's so helpful to hear it from them. I Would say that the benefits of working with Mikki as a coach for over a year now I almost has been really feeling like there is a person that understands what you have gone through, what you're going through, what the challenges are on a personal level, and I found that to be invaluable and very different than other counseling situations that I've gone through. And I'd say the second thing that has really come about through working with Mikki as a coach is really a focus on gaining your power and focusing on the things that you can change and really working through any sort of victim mentality or feeling stuck or all those things that we go through. So I would say that those are two awesome things that I have really enjoyed having Mikki as a coach. Hi, I'd like to talk about a couple of benefits of working with a life coach. I've been working with Mikki for over a year now and Mikki has helped to walk me through my concerns, my frustrations, and the difficulties in my life and with her support And care and feedback. I'm really able to look at things differently and to see things more clearly. It has transformed me to understand myself to make sense of my life and the struggles that I have incurred with my husband's infidelity and to truly look at the goals that I want in life how to achieve them and to start creating the life that I want to live. The coaching also goes beyond the session that we have... Mikki is also available to check in and also to just touch bases with her if needed. Coaching has been invaluable in my life, and I truly do not know where I would be without coaching. Coaching has been super helpful for me in coordination with my therapist, especially for that six-month period where I was going through the biggest changes of my life coming out as a gay man and going through a divorce. And it was really beneficial to have someone help me come up with actionable ways to learn how to make decisions for myself without people pleasing or having the influence of others to make decisions that I knew that ultimately wouldn't be the best for me and to reinforce a lot of ideas about forgiveness of self while also taking into account my personal responsibility and so that's been one of the biggest benefits with coaching. And I would say the other major one is just creating a place of safety that I hadn't really experienced before beyond just my therapist where it was a place where I you know in working with Mikki learned how to create a space that was safe for me, for my own thoughts, my own feelings and to not devalue that space and it was always really reassuring when Mikki helped remind me of the hard work that I was doing and the important work that I was doing the fact that I was doing it. So those were both major benefits to coaching for me. Gosh, Mikki, there's so many benefits of your coaching. You have definitely eased my suffering personally, which also has impacted my business by helping me to realize and understand all of my limiting beliefs and stories that I told myself and others told me that were just not true. You've also helped me to identify and take aligned action what that is for me. You've helped me to think logically by identifying what is really true and not a story. You have taught me to take care of me, which I kind of thought I did, but I didn't realize, which goes back to, you know, speaking the truth, speaking my truth and taking aligned action. What is aligned for me of who I authentically want to be? And also, best of all, the benefits of working with you is you've taught me a toolkit to handle all of life's things and big emotions in my hamster brain that's constantly thinking, thinking, thinking to ground and create awareness and have allowance and acceptance and then take that aligned action all in a more responsive state versus reactive state. Oh, thank you to my dear clients who each took the time to do that. I am so, so grateful. That's the show for today. If you're curious about coaching, and you want to see if maybe it's the right next step for you on your journey, I've put in the show notes a link for you to schedule a clarity call with me. This is a no strings attached totally free 45-minute call with me, where you and I will go through what's going on for you. We're going to pinpoint at least one area that you're struggling in and I'm going to give you a tangible simple action step to help you feel the way you want to feel today. We can do that in 45 minutes together I promise and we can also talk about how coaching might be the next right step for you. And listen, whatever the next right step is coaching, therapy, energy work. I want you to take it, right? You are not alone in this process. You are not alone in this life. And if I'm not the right coach for you, there are so many amazing coaches out there. And I'm happy to help you find one. You are deserving, and worthy, and capable of living a life and having the family and the love that you desire. This is what I want for you. And I know that you are capable of having it and sometimes we need help getting there, and I want you whatever you are feeling called to get help and support in please reach out. You are not alone. You do not have to suffer. Hope is available and help is available. I hope to connect with you soon. I really appreciate you spending this time with me. I hope you found the value of a coach episode valuable, and I'd love to hear from you and your thoughts. Feel free to leave a comment post it on IG and let me know what was interesting or what resonated for you? And I'll see you next week. And in the meantime friend, take really really good care of you. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]