Ep #46: The Transition Back to School

I'm Mikki Gardner, and this is the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast, episode number 46, The Transition Back to School. [music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Welcome friend. Can you believe that it's already time to transition back to school? Maybe you already have, by the time you're hearing this. I know my son's starting a new school and is going back earlier than ever, and so I had to really spend some time with the transitioning back to school while trying to just squeeze out every ounce of summer that we could. This is a stressful time of year for kids and for families. Now you add divorce and co-parenting on top, and it can feel like you are living in a three-ring circus that never stops. Today we're gonna talk about ways that you can co-parent and get your kids back to school with more confidence and ease. First though, I wanted to thank you for joining me. I truly know that there's a gazillion and three things that you could be doing, and I am just so grateful that you're here with me. And if you're new to the podcast, welcome, I'm so glad that you found it. The reason I do this podcast is to help support moms and women just like you as they navigate co-parenting. My mission is to add as much value and offer you tools and perspectives to help you co-parent with confidence, love, and peace. It can feel like such a lonely journey, and I want you to know that you are not alone in this. And back to school, the change in routines, the forced interactions with the other co-parent, it can trigger a lot of emotion. So that's what I wanna do with this podcast is offer you some helpful ways to transition with less stress and more confidence. And just so you know, I actually have an upcoming back to school workshop that I'm hosting on Thursday, September 8th at 12:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 AM Pacific. This workshop is designed to help you put an end to the overwhelm, to the stress and the conflict, so that you can confidently get your kids back to school. And the best part is, it doesn't even require the other co-parent's cooperation. Great, right? So if this episode resonates with you, I want you to join me for this workshop where we're gonna be taking a much deeper dive, so just use the link in the show notes or go to www.mikkigardner.com/workshop, and you can reserve your spot today. Let's dive into the conversation. You know, back to school, there's a lot of fun things about it, you get to get all the school supplies, the new backpack, you get the kids ready, maybe you're really looking forward to some routine, to some structure, to having the kids out of the house, right? We've all been there. If you're like so many moms who are co-parenting, there's a lot of worry that comes with this time of year. How to create consistency for your kiddos when the co-parenting partner just isn't on the same page, or maybe you have an ex that just doesn't pull their weight and everything falls to your shoulders, or maybe you're terrified of the conflict, the nagging and the blaming that you inevitably fall into every year and just do not wanna do that again. Listen, I get it. So many of my clients feel this whole mixed bag of emotions just like you are, and they feel handcuffed by the challenges of co-parenting, feeling that they've lost the race before it's even begun. And so today we're gonna talk about ways to reduce the stress and increase the confidence, so that you can get your kids ready to back to school and thrive in this transition. We're gonna really look at three areas that we're gonna try to reduce stress in during this transition. First, the co-parenting relationship, second the kids, third, you. That is not the order of importance, however, you always come first. But that's the way that we're gonna break up this conversation, and I'm going to start with you. The first part, the transitioning, whether it's back to school, whether it's into a new co-parenting relationship or dynamic, whatever it is, it's managing expectations. Now, I did an entire episode on the topic, so feel free to go back and listen to episode 36 where I really dive in, but basically, every day we are consciously and unconsciously setting expectations for ourselves and all of the people in our lives. Expectations are really just a picture that we create in our minds of how things are going to be and exactly how they should look. I'm sure that you've experienced it, where you know exactly what back to school should look like, you know exactly what the other co-parent should be doing, should be saying, and how they should be acting. This is all fine. Expectations are not a problem until other people get involved because those other people are outside of our control, and when they don't do what we have pictured in our minds, we get angry, upset, resentful, frustrated, reactive, we yell, we scream, we tantrum, forever waiting for them or the situation to change. So what we know about expectations is that we suffer when there is a mismatch between our expectations and reality. So to set yourself up for the easiest and most stress-free transition in back to school, it's helpful to go through and re-align your expectations. So that's the first thing I wanted to mention. The second thing I wanted to mention as we start this conversation is a tool, a Buddhist principle that I really love, and it's called a beginner's mind. What is a beginner's mind? It's really about dropping our expectation and preconceived ideas about something and seeing it with an open mind, fresh eyes, just like in a beginner. If you've ever learned something new, you can remember what that's like. You were probably confused, you didn't know what to do, you didn't know really what you were learning, but you're also looking at everything as if it's brand new, with curiosity, with wonder, with trying to figure it out. That's beginner's mind. What would be different for you in this back to school process, in this transition, in your co-parenting relationship, if you were able to come at it with a beginner's mind, that open mind, a fresh perspective, and really looking at it with curiosity, looking for the solutions. And so that's what I want us to do today, is to put that mindset on as we talk through all of this. So we're gonna dive into the first area, to reduce stress, which is the co-parenting relationship. And I have a couple of things I wanna talk about here. First, what we wanna do is really keep the goal in mind. This is one of those times of years, especially if there's conflict, maybe it's new, maybe you're just separated, newly divorced, and you're just trying to figure all of this out, we wanna keep the goal in mind. The kids are going back to school and we wanna set them up for success, to be organized, to have what they need, to be well-rested, to be ready to go. We are not trying to prove that we are the better parent or... We are not trying to prove that we're the better parent or that the other co-parent is completely inept and just searching for all the evidence. That's not gonna get us anywhere, right? So we really wanna keep the goal in mind and keep it very kid-focused. So school supplies, right? This is one of the fun things to get, it can also in the co-parenting relationship be such a source of stress. I've seen so many clients, you try to divide up the list or say, "He should do it because X, Y and Z," or maybe it's even delineated in a parenting plan that one is supposed to do it versus the other, but what happens is there's all these expectations of who should do what, how it should get done, what exactly should be purchased, and then a fight ensues or maybe not everything gets done. So if we sort of pull back and keep that beginner's mind, we can look at it, it might be best to just avoid the fight. Maybe you're the parent that deals more with the school things, maybe your other co-parent is, maybe you're working more and they're more involved, whatever it is, one of the parents. If we're able to... If it's super agreeable and you can divide it, great, no problem. Don't change anything, but if this has been a source of conflict, maybe you just take on getting the school supplies. And if money is tight, maybe we just get the minimum of what's necessary. Maybe it's not a new backpack this year. But when we're able to step back, keep the goal in mind and then decide, "I really... I wanna pick my battles. I don't wanna fight about school supplies. So what can I do to avoid the fight?" So many of my clients will come to me and say, "Well, if we do that, then they win. The other co-parent wins because I'm doing all the work." Okay, or do your kids win because it got done, with the least amount of conflict. It's really stepping back and just deciding what is important here, and how do I wanna do this. And so that's just one example. There's many times that we have to really step back. The second thing I wanna talk about as it relates to the co-parenting relationship is to be focused on the process, not the outcome. So often, what we wanna do is we wanna go from A to Z. But it feels too far away, or it's just too hard. But what we end up doing is we forget that to get to Z, we have to go to B and then C, and then D, and then E and then F and so and so and so on. So what I'm talking about is really staying focused on what we're doing each and every day, each step, each word, each interaction, so that we're staying aligned with where we wanna go. If the end result, like I said, is to get the kids their school supplies in the easiest way so that everything's done, what is the easiest way to go about doing that, creating that ease? And it doesn't have to be to prove something else to the other co-parent, it doesn't have to be anything other than simply getting the process done and how can we do that in the easiest way. Also a thing that comes up a lot that I hear from my clients is communication with teachers in the school. They feel... A lot of my clients feel like they're the ones that are communicating or they can't communicate because the other co-parent won't or there's double communication and they're not CC'ed on things, and so often times they'll ask, "Well, should I call the new teacher and tell them that we're divorced and that this is the situation?" My advice is no, because here's what we wanna do. We want your kid's teachers to know all the positive things about your kid. They're gonna have a completely different interaction with your child in school than they do at home. So as it relates to communicating with the teachers, maybe it's that text stream with the mom reps, we don't wanna control it. There are two parents, both should be involved. And we really want the other co-parent to be involved because that's less that you have to communicate, so you wanna make sure that you're on all of those lists, and that both of the numbers are listed. And this is, if you have a unique situation, you know that it's unique to you, but even when the parents are not communicating, I think it's best to have all of the communication come from the school versus you. And as far as going to the teachers to talk to them about the conflicts or the communication issues that you have with your co-parent, that's not really that helpful. What we want the teacher to know about is all the positives about your wonderful kid, and that you're there if they need anything. We don't wanna try to show them that you're the better parent or ask for multiples of everything because that's adding more work or trying to tell them how difficult your ex is. Really the translation of that when you're coming at it, it could come off as that you're the difficult one. What you wanna do is come as a team player, focus on the positives, make sure that all of the communication goes to everyone so that it's a team level playing field. Now, I'm not saying that don't get involved or stand up when you need to, or if your ex is being difficult or a problem, but honestly, the school and the other people will figure that out on their own, they don't need you telling it. So we just wanna make sure that we're really adding to the positives versus throwing more trash on the pile. The third thing I wanna say is, take the high road. What I mean is taking responsibility for you. It is not about blaming, manipulating or living in a reactionary victim state. Taking the high road is about taking 100% responsibility for your 50% of the relationship. And how do we do this? Well, we manage our expectations. We stay focused on where we wanna go, what our goals are, and stay focused more on the process of how to get there, then we are exactly what's happening. Today might look like a little bit of a three-ring circus, but if we're staying and we're trying and we're doing the best we can, that's all we have to do. We really have to stay in our lane. You cannot control what the other co-parent does or doesn't do, how they act, or what school supplies they buy, but you do have control over you, and so let's spend the rest of the episode focusing on that. So now we're gonna step into the third category, reducing stress and setting your kids and you up for success. So the first thing we wanna do is acknowledge the stress. On this podcast, I talk a lot about awareness, becoming aware of what is. Back to school is stressful. There's early mornings, there's long school days, there's homework, there's extracurriculars, there's the household contributions they have, there's friendships, there's relationships for the older kids, it's a lot. And then you add divorce and two houses and extra transitions, and if you're new to co-parenting or in the process of separation, or even just an unhealthy relationship, it can add even more stress. And we have to acknowledge this. Kids of divorce have an extra layer of change to navigate because they move around more. So the skills that they need to be successful is organization, resilience, self-sufficiency, self-advocacy, and flexibility. All of these skills are the life skills to be able to function as a successful, effective, happy adult. So we wanna help them practice these skills while they're young. It's like a muscle that they're building and they're learning and that they're growing, the more they do it, the more automatic it becomes. So we acknowledge the stress, and we also wanna focus on the emotional connection with our kids. Whenever we're in transition, there are big feelings, there's a lot of feelings about new schools or just a new school year starting. Anxiety, fear, nervousness, excitement, sadness, all of the things. So we really wanna take the time as we're transitioning back to school to connect with our children, to listen with compassion, to be empathetic, to validate their feelings, not trying to brush them under the rug, and to reinforce that they're not alone, that we're with them, standing right next to them on the journey. A good way to do this is to set aside time each day to connect with each of your kids individually. Maybe it's the first thing after school, you could set aside snack time. When they all come back, maybe just sit down and your only job is to listen, not to fix, not to change, not to argue, not to blame, but just listen. And sometimes that's just sitting there in silence. But if you can have 10 minutes with each kid a day, maybe it's even at bedtime, reading, snuggling, talking, whatever. When they know that they get that dedicated time with you, that they get that connection, they don't have to look for it in other ways, and they really love time with you that doesn't involve a screen or a phone or work or other kids or chores to do, when it's just you. So that's a really, really important way to help them reduce their stress and feel more connected. So there's two areas that we're gonna look at in reducing stress in the back to school routines and responsibility. So back to school like any other transition takes preparation. I love the old adage, as annoying as it is, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. And it definitely applies here. So we're gonna talk about routines because they're key. The more consistent you can be, the easier your life will be. Kids only continue things that work for them, so finding a routine that works for them will help eliminate the conflict and the stress, and it will save you from the nagging, the reminding and the rescuing. And this is a big and, finding a routine that works for you is imperative because a happy, calm at ease mom sets the tone for the entire house. So let's talk about the morning. So when we think about a morning routine, we're gonna break it down into three, morning, after school, and evening. If we can get really consistent with these three routines, it makes life a whole lot easier. Also, this really helps in transition days too, back and forth. So for those of you that maybe transition during the week, that transition is gonna have to be built in to probably a morning routine, but let's just talk about the day-to-day. So you have your morning routine. What has to be done? You're gonna make a list of everything that has to be done before the kids leave. So maybe it's get dressed, make your bed, comb your hair, brush your teeth, load your backpack, pack your lunch, eat breakfast. We have to do all of those things. So we write out everything on a list, then I want you to go back and look at it and see if any of those items could be done the night before. And if so, that's gonna actually get moved to the bedtime list. So what you get left with is a morning list of things that have to get done, and now we're gonna implement the when-then tool. It sounds like this, "When you're dressed, your bed is made, your hair is brushed, your breakfast is eaten, your teeth are brushed, the backpack, shoes and lunch are by the door, then you can have some blank," screen time, maybe it's a little TV time, maybe it's a little play time, whatever your kid's into, "Until 8:00 AM when we leave," or whatever time you leave. So it sounds like when these things happen, then you can have this. So why is this important? Because this creates a routine that everyone knows what has to happen, you have the agreement of all the parties involved, it's doable, and you have faith in them that it'll get done. That's why we say when, not if. You're gonna break it down for your life, what has to get done, what your kids are into, sort of what they wanna do. I know that mine just wanna relax. And so after they've done all of the things that have to get done, they can have that time. They're not able to get all of those things done, they don't have that time. This is teaching them autonomy, organization and time management. Now, I understand not everybody is a morning person, and so you might think that this sounds just exhausting. But here's the thing, it works when you are calm and organized. You're the one who is going to have to actually hold the line here. It's one thing to just say, "Okay, this is the morning routine that we're doing." It's another to actually be the person that models it and holds the line in an unemotional, un-reactive way. So what do you need? You need to be taking care of you, and you need to be making sure that you have set yourself up for success. So you being up, dressed, maybe you meditate in the morning, maybe you stretch and have a coffee in hand before your kiddo's feet hit the floor is key. When you're doing this, you're setting yourself up for success and that sets your kids up for success. Really, what you wanna do is when they get up in the morning, you wanna have them walk into the kitchen and you have a big smile on your face and you say, "Good morning and I love you." This is getting our day off started on the right foot. And listen, they're cranky. I've got a 12-year-old boy, two 12-year-old boys and an 8-year-old boy. There is some crankiness in the morning. I get it. But if I'm rushed, if I'm frazzled, if I'm running around trying to get it all done, it's like all of the sudden it snowballs and then there's all this yelling and chaos. I've been there. And so I know that if I can get myself up, take care of what I need to do in the morning, and I'm standing there with my coffee that I love so much, having that first sip, I'm actually just not affected by the crankiness. They can be as cranky as they want, but we're still gonna stick to the routine. And this is modeling the behavior that you want. And it's really important that when you're making these routines that you're actually bringing them into the decision-making process. Kids wanna feel empowered and they wanna have a say. Listen, your kids didn't get a say in the divorce, they didn't get a say in the parenting schedule, so the more that you can include them, the more autonomy they feel. And when they are included, they have investment in the idea, so instead of you barking orders at them, they feel invested and more understanding. Listen, kids want to do well. They just do. And if they're not, there's a reason. But the only way we can figure that out is when we are level and not yelling, barking orders or shaming. Because it just doesn't work. So the afternoon and evening routines, you're gonna go about the same process, making a list of all of those things that have to get done, making sure that they have to be done at that time, and then creating a when-then. So afternoon might sound like, "When the homework is done, the school bag is packed and ready for tomorrow and put away, then you can have blank." Again, play time, screen time, leaving for sports, soccer, hockey, whatever. The bedtime example might sound like, "When your PJs are on, your teeth are brushed, your clothes are laid out for tomorrow, your room is tidy and your alarm clock is set, then we'll have stories, reading time, mom time, whatever it is, until lights out at 9:00 PM," whatever the bed time is. Listen, the great thing about these routines is there's no gray area, there's no confusion, there's no room for negotiation, it's up to them and they have the choice. But we have to hold the line and let them experience it. They're going to push back, they're supposed to, they're kids, that's how they learn. And we're not going for perfection here, we're all human, but we're setting ourselves up for success, we're setting ourselves up to be organized, to be calm for what we want. So we try and we fail, and we learn from it, and we forgive ourselves and others, and then we try again. So that was the first thing routine, huge, huge, huge. So important for kids, any kids, but also really for kids of divorce. There's a lot of change and when they know what to expect, they feel safer, they feel more comfortable. So the more routines you can have... And this isn't rigid, these help them understand what needs to be done and how they're expected to behave in the environment. And listen, it's different for each house. Your other co-parent has his own roles in his house, you have yours, but it's important to focus on what you can control, which is you and your home, and how you want to run it. And so that's where we focus. The second thing that I wanted to talk about, the last thing is responsibility. Listen, this is the hardest one. Routine's challenging, but being responsible and then letting others be responsible for their own actions, this can be challenging. We need to really stay in our lane. We have to put responsibility where it belongs. For the school bag, the assignments, the sports equipment, etcetera, who's using it? Your child, therefore, it's their responsibility. Now, I'm not saying that you're totally hands off, no. What we've done with the routine is that we've set up systems to help them, and then we make it as appropriate and easy to follow as possible, and this is age and stage appropriate. When your kids are little, they're gonna need more visual cues and reminders. Maybe you have a really forgetful kid, they're gonna need something different than another kid, and so you have to navigate that. But what I'm talking about is setting up those systems and those routines so that everyone can be responsible for what they're responsible for. Maybe there's a basket by the back door that says, "Dad's house." And they get to put in that basket the things that they wanna take, so it's not forgotten. So if they think of something on Tuesday, they can drop it in, and then on Saturday or Sunday when they go, it's there. Maybe it's a checklist on their backpack that's laminated with everything that has to be in there, or a checklist that's on a board right by the back door that has each day what has to be included. If Tuesday is soccer night, then soccer cleats have to be in the bag that day. It's the planning and the preparation that creates more calm and more safety and happier kids. So you set up all the systems and then you maintain them. And like I just said, this is age and stage appropriate of course. What a kindergartener is able to be responsible for is totally different than a seventh grader or a high schooler. But it's really important that we actually help them, that we teach them how to be responsible without rescuing. Maybe your kids come home from the other co-parent's house and they don't have their favorite outfit for picture day, or they didn't have their assignment at school that day, or maybe they don't have their bat for baseball practice. What do you? If you've had a system in place and they were fully aware and on board of what their responsibility was, and they didn't do it, well, you have a choice then. Are you gonna rescue them? Maybe that looks like running around at 10:00 PM, delaying bedtime trying to get everything done. Are you gonna berate the other co-parent? I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Well your dad's just so selfish, he's always late, and that's why we're divorced." Or, "He's so unorganized, and he never has everything together, and that's why your stuff is forgotten." This doesn't help your kids, not at all. We wanna help your child have language to help them communicate and advocate for themselves. So we're not wanting to rescue, running around at 10:00 PM, delaying bed time trying to get all the things done, or we can let our kids feel the natural consequences so that they learn next time, or we can let the other co-parent resolve the issue, if it was their responsibility. Now listen, you may not like the resolution, or you might hate feeling like a bad mom who isn't doing absolutely everything for their child because you don't want your child to feel anything that is uncomfortable. But you know what you're doing, when you're not letting them be responsible and when you're rescuing? You're not letting them learn how to be self-sufficient, how to be organized, how to be autonomous. When we stop rescuing and we start letting our children be responsible and also letting the other co-parent be responsible, we're creating a healthier relationship, we're teaching our children to be healthy adults when they are an adult. Kids learn what is caught, not taught. So we have to remember that because what we are modeling, what our behavior is, each and every moment is what's teaching them, not our words. So we have to stay focused on that. So when we are able to bring our kids in, create routines, get them, have them involved in it, it would be great too if you can get the other co-parent involved or even just share, "Here's the routine that we came up with for our house, I just wanted to share it with you." Or the kids can share it, depending on their ages. But transparency and consistency are a necessity. And if the other co-parent is resistant, that's okay, that doesn't mean that you can't create routine and create consistency and let your kids be responsible for themselves. The more the kids learn to speak up and advocate, the better. And this is really sticking to the goal of a child-center approach. And when we do that, we have to check our egos and all of our feelings kind of at the door again and stay focused on what it is that we wanna do. How are we modeling the behavior that we want for them down the road? So I hope you found some of these ideas helpful and that you can implement into your back to school transition. Again, we're gonna be diving into so much more in the back to school workshop, so please use the link in the show notes to save your spot if you wanna really make sure that you're thriving this back to school year. I know that you are 100% capable of taking full responsibility in your life and creating the routines and habits that work for you and your family. It is a decision that you make and re-make a thousand times a day. Really, all of this is about protecting your peace. If something is robbing you of your calm, your peace, your sense of power, it's simply too expensive. And it's time to invest in yourself, creating the habits and the consistency, so that you can choose your responses and keep your actions aligned with the life that you truly wanna be living. And if you know someone who could benefit from this episode, I would be so grateful if you would share it either on your socials or with them. And if you do share it on Instagram, please tag me. I'd love to hear from you and connect. Thank you so much for spending this time with me, I'll see you next week. And in the meantime, take really, really good care of you. [music] Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.