Ep #114: The People Pleaser’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays

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Welcome to Co-parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same, if you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children well get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

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Welcome back to the podcast. Well, it's holiday time. And do you know what that means? Extra interaction with your ex [laughter] So for some of us, this might not be too big a deal, and for some of us, this is the worst news that we can feel, because and the extra interaction just feels like too much and not something that we wanna deal with, and so today I wanted to talk about surviving the holidays, but specifically how to make sure we're not people pleasing or trying to be peacekeeper, but you're actually creating your own peace this holiday season, I mean, the holidays are supposed to be all about love and peace and sharing and giving and experiencing the joy of this season, and we can't do that when we are mired down in people-pleasing and trudging along, just trying to survive. So I wanted to talk about a little survival guide here of how do you stay out of people-pleasing this holiday season, and really make sure that you are creating your own peace so that you can experience all the good parts of the holiday.

So each one of us has obviously a very unique co-parenting relationship, and that's based on everything that's happened in the past, from the relationship with your ex, to all of the experiences that you've been through from your childhood, I mean, it's all kind of wrapped into one, but we do have a lot of shared common experiences, so I wanted to talk about some of the ways that I see people-pleasing coming up with my clients over and over, so that maybe you're experiencing those too and we can talk about how to resolve that, but I first, do wanna start with, what is the root cause of people-pleasing? Well, the root cause of people-pleasing is really our own inability to tolerate discomfort or unease in our own body, and when we can't tolerate the discomfort or the unease of different situations, well, we go into people-pleasing to try to fix it, to try to change it, to try to make people not unhappy, so that we don't have to feel it anymore.

So people-pleasing like I talk about in my book, is essentially lying, it's not telling the truth to yourself and to others, because we're just trying to escape this uncomfortable-ness or this unease in our body. But what I know to be true is that you have complete capacity and the ability to feel whatever feeling is going on when you have the tools to do so. And so what I wanted to talk about is, how can you survive the holidays, because you know frankly, they're upon us. So if you haven't picked up my book, I really hope that you do, so that you can start to understand what happens when we're people-pleasing? Why are we people-pleasing? And how we can move forward it? But today, it's December 13th, so we are in holiday season, and I really wanted to offer you a survival guide, not even a survival guide, a thriving guide to the holidays, so that you can actually create and feel some peace here.

So what are some of the ways that I see this coming out with my clients? Well, a lot of times it's sort of that wanting everybody to be happy, and if maybe it's the first or second Christmas after the divorce or the separation, not wanting to watch our kids struggle, we don't want our kids to be unhappy, or we have all kinds of guilt about not being a "family" anymore, you're still a family, but it looks different, and so maybe you're running around doing everything, right? Having a huge holiday party, maybe you're having all the gifts, maybe you're trying to go to all the parties just to prove that you're okay, but really you're just exhausted and depleted because you're over-giving. Maybe like so many of my clients that I know maybe end up over-spending, maybe things aren't equal, they wanna keep up with the other co-parent or they just wanna make up for the pain that they feel they have caused. And so they start over-spending on their children on other people, trying to make everything feel okay, but really just putting themselves in a bad position moving forward. Or maybe you're feeling really, really alone, right, having to not...

Maybe this is your first holiday, not having your kids 100% of the time, and my heart goes out to you because I remember this. It feels like just yesterday. And the loneliness that you feel, and sometimes when we have that loneliness, the last thing we wanna do is feel it, and so we just end up accepting maybe any of the invitations that we get over-doing things, like I just talked about a minute ago, maybe over-indulging over-socializing, maybe over-drinking, over-eating, all of these things just to not feel the sadness and this alone-ness. Maybe it's the guilt. I mean, so often we feel so guilty about what the divorce has done to our children, feeling really inadequate, and maybe you give in again from this empty place of either hiding or over-giving or giving into your ex, their demands and their requests, even though you don't want to, but you just don't even have it in you to say yes or no. And another thing I see with so many clients is feeling like you have no choice, it's the holidays, so you have to spend time with your family, maybe that's difficult.

Difficult relationships, but you feel like you have to spend time with them, especially for your kids now that you're separated, now that things are different, but you end up feeling like you're head is on the chopping block there, maybe it's a toxic relationship with a family member or a friend, but you put yourself in that position for everybody else, but you really feel like you are unseen and unheard, and maybe you say nothing and you just are building resentment and resentment, resentment. Or maybe you just explode because you can't take it anymore. These are all ways that the people-pleasing trying to put on a mask to please others, to let others feel okay, or to try to change how you're feeling by making other people see things differently. And again, it's really our inability to tolerate the discomfort that's happening inside so we start doing all of these things on the outside. So how do we stop? Well, let's focus on what we can do, again in the short term, just to get through these holidays.

And the first thing that we always have to do is build awareness. If you feel yourself being run ragged, if you feel yourself over-giving, maybe you find yourself in the check-out line at Target with an entire cart full of things that you can't afford, the moment that you notice that you are uncomfortable or that you are in a pattern, or you just said yes when you really meant no. Or you said, Sure, I'll go to that party. But you really don't want to. As soon as you notice that you are feeling uneasy, that you have discomfort in your body, I want you just to stop. Stop and notice it and take three really big breaths in and out in through your nose out through your mouth. And you do that three times until you feel a little bit of pause, a little bit of calm, and then you ask yourself, What do I need here? What am I doing? Is this in the best interest of me of my children, maybe you don't wanna do this in front of the checkout person at Target. [chuckle] I understand, but there is a return desk, so you could do it right around the corner, or maybe you said yes to that invitation to go to your aunt's house, but you cannot even fathom the idea of going because that person's gonna be there and you can't do it.

Well, you ask yourself, What do I need here? And what is in my best interest? What is in my children's best interest? What is going to get me to a place of calm and peace? And then you make decisions to start to get there. Yeah, you might have to call Aunt Margaret up and say, "You know what? I know I said, Yes, but we can not come." You don't owe her any other explanation in that "I wish you the best these holidays, but we can't make it." Why do we start to do these things? Well, we're doing this so that we can start to be honest with ourselves, because again, people-pleasing is putting yourself what your needs, your desires, on the back burner and putting everybody else's in front of yours, but the only thing that that guarantees you is that you are not gonna feel the peace and the calm that you want, because you're too busy taking care of everybody else or trying to make everyone else feel okay. By the way, you have no control over that. Instead, we really wanna stop and say, What can I do in this moment that feels most aligned for how I wanna show up in the world? To be the co-parent that I wanna be, to be the mom that I wanna be, to be the friend that I wanna be, to be the niece to great aunt Margaret, whatever.

You start to decide, who do I wanna be in this situation? And what is my truth? And you start to move forward in the direction of your truth, because we have to stop just giving in automatically, it's like that insta yes that we give all the time, and instead learn how to pause and take a breath and decide what is most aligned with my truth with what I need. Because the fact of the matter is, you are only responsible for yourself, and I'm not saying that in the selfish way that you just get to say... Run rampant over everyone. No quite the opposite, when we really start to own what it is that we need, what it is that we want, and we're doing that from a loving place, we become stronger, we become calmer, we become more peaceful, this is the energy that moves us forward in a positive direction, because when we're not doing this and we're not building up our reserves, when we're not building up our energy, what we end up is depleted, exhausted, and that's when we start over-reacting, we react to everything because we feel out of control. So the control that we want is really learning how to stop people-pleasing, and start deciding what is it that I truly want, and how can I start showing up that way.

How can I let my ex be unhappy with my decision and still move forward? How can I let my children maybe not understand exactly what's going on, but know that I love them and they feel the love and the peace radiating from me? This is strength, this is where we wanna parent from, this is where we wanna start making all of our decisions from, and the only way to get there is to learn when we're just trying to keep the peace, when we're just running around trying to make everything work. And really learning how to pause, take a breath, understand what's happening, and then make decisions based on what's true, what is the agency that we have. Remember, agency is just a fancy word for choice, what are the choices that we have available to us, so this might look like putting in some boundaries... Emotional boundaries for ourself. One of the things that I always tell clients is, for a little while when we're learning how to step out of people-pleasing and we're learning how to set more and more boundaries, we have to not let ourselves react. And so we have to learn how to put a pause and create space so that we build the muscle of being more aware and having more spaciousness, so that we can make decisions.

It might look like not making any decisions about gifts in the moment, that might look like if we have a budget of so much for gifts this year, we write out, do the research ahead of time, what we wanna buy, and then we go to the store and only buy the things that are on that list. Even though that other thing looks so, so cute, we just wanna add it, it's really making those decisions ahead of time. How do I wanna show up for the Future Me? How do I wanna show up for my kids, how do I wanna show up in a responsible way? Maybe you know that whenever you're around certain people, you just end up saying yes to them because it's too uncomfortable, not to. Well, maybe we don't have to say no. Maybe no seems too hard, but you can learn to say, Let me think about that, and I'll get back to you. That's you learning how to create a little bit of pause. So when your neighbor comes running over and says, "Hey, are you coming to the cookie exchange next week?" You can say, "I have to check my calendar, I'll get back to you."

Whatever it is, it's learning how to create a little bit of space and create a little pause so that you can start to choose differently. So you're not just reacting, so you're not just reacting from that feeling of discomfort or uneasiness, but you're really pausing so that you can step back and decide, how do I wanna show up? And giving yourself the space to do that. And when it comes to dealing with your ex, maybe having more interaction than normal, again it's deciding in advance, how do you want to feel during that interaction, maybe typically you feel flustered, you feel very nervous, maybe you get triggered. Maybe you can't even look at them. So you decide, how do I wanna show up? How do I wanna feel during these interactions? And just start to step one or two steps towards how you want. Maybe you know that you're gonna see them a little more often, and so before you do have those interactions, you take some time to really calm yourself, make sure that you're feeling calm and grounded.

Maybe you know that you're gonna have an interaction with them, it's gonna be super awkward and then you give yourself something on the other side of that, when you don't react or get triggered. Maybe normally, you get really short and you get really frustrated, maybe you get a little passive aggressive with them, but instead you go in saying, "I'm calm, I can do this, I'm okay." You breathe through it, and then when you do, maybe you get to take yourself out for a cup of coffee afterwards, or you get to go on a walk, or if you're anything like me, I have a secret addiction to Hallmark holiday movies. I do, I think I've said it here before. One of my clients and I would laugh about it because I watch a lot of them, and they make me happy. And yes, they're completely unrealistic, but you know what? When I do something that I set out to do, sometimes I get a little reward and if that's a little Hallmark holiday movie during holiday season, so be it. I'm doing it with intention, and because they just make me smile.

So that's what I want for you. I want you to just start to think about how are ways that I can move through this holiday season, even when it's hard, even when I feel lonely, even when I'm feeling guilty, even when there's all the things to do, or maybe I can't give the way I want to. What are ways that I can make this holiday season more special with what I have available? Because I guarantee you, my friend, you have the ability to enjoy these holidays with your kids, and we do that by being present, intentional, focused, and decide to not just survive the holiday, but find pieces of joy within it, and I know it's not easy, and for all of you who are spending your first holiday season alone, I want you to know I've been there, and I know that it's hard, and if you need anything, all you have to do is reach out on Instagram, I'm over there a lot.

Or send me a voicemail here and you can find it in the show notes, but I want you to know that I'm here for you and you are not alone. And the way to move through this, the way to move through the pain, the way to move through the discomfort is to learn how to tolerate it, to be aware of it, and to choose how you wanna move forward. You can do this my friend, I'm wishing you beautiful holidays with lots of love with your kiddos, and I'll see you next week and in the meantime. Take really, really good care of you. And one more thing, the legal stuff, this podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only, it is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice, please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.

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