Ep #113: The People Pleaser’s Guide to Co-Parenting Well

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Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

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Welcome back to the podcast, friend. I got a question for you. Are you sick of being the peacekeeper in your co-parenting relationship but never actually feeling any peace? Well, I want you to keep listening to this episode and I have some really exciting news for you. This is coming out on December 6th of 2023. And yesterday, December 5th of 2023, my new book came out, "The People-Pleasers Guide to Co-Parenting Well," and I am over the moon excited to share this with you. It's all about how to stop playing peacekeeper and start parenting peacefully. The last couple of weeks prior to this launch have been so exciting, reaching out, spending time with friends and colleagues, really sharing the message of this book and getting it out there and I am so excited to get it into your hands. And so today, I just wanted to celebrate this. It's a big deal for me personally that I wrote a book and that it's now literally sitting in my hands and soon to be in your hands. I'm so excited. And I wanted to talk about sort of what's it about and also give you a little sneak peek. But "The People-Pleasers Guide to Co-Parenting Well" is really learning how prioritizing peacekeeping may actually be hindering your ability to co-parent successfully. That might seem like, what are you even saying, Mikki? But oftentimes, we're so busy trying to keep the peace that we're never actually feeling any peace or creating our own peace.

And that's what this book is all about. It offers you a simple framework where you can learn where people-pleasing may be holding you back and how to shift into becoming an intentional, in-control, and purpose-driven parent. The book is going to show you how to stop being a peacekeeper and start parenting peacefully even when your ex doesn't reciprocate. It's going to teach you how to learn to stop living on autopilot and start navigating where you want to go. It's going to teach you how to stop getting triggered and learn how to take 100% responsibility for your 50% of the situation. You know we talk about that a lot here on this podcast. You're going to learn how to have your own back so that you can consistently be proud of the co-parent you're being. I am so excited for this book to get into the hands of all of you out there that might identify as a people-pleaser. I know I am a recovering people-pleaser. It's something that I deal with every day. And I'm getting better and better at it and that's why I wanted to help others really learn how to break free from the harmful habit of pleasing others and start creating your own calm in the chaos today. So What I wanted to do today is just read you the introduction from the book. I hope that it will resonate with you and then you will go out and get the whole book because I know that this is going to be a game changer.

So right now, sit back and enjoy as I read you the introduction of "The People-Pleasers Guide to Co-Parenting Well." Imagine a place where parents would go to gain experience and all the knowledge that they would need to handle anything that comes their way. They would each spend time there learning and then when they have their emotional toolkit packed full of all the tools that they will ever need and a complete blueprint for their children and their relationships, they would head back out home smiling to be the perfect parent. Well, let's be real, you and I both know that this doesn't happen. Each one of us, while having the best of intentions and often great expectations, gets thrown into parenting with different levels of knowledge, wisdom, trauma, confidence, and past experiences to pull from. And then you're just expected to parent. Expected to know how to navigate the relationships you are in, take care of and teach and empower your kids, and to be financially, emotionally, physically responsible caregivers, no matter what.

Oh, and did I forget that fun little part where the marriage or the partnership that you previously had said yes to, had huge dreams about, and built a whole life around, ended? And with the divorce, you are now doing all of the parenting 50% of the time, with 50% of the resources, and 50% of the other co-parent support, at best. This turns parenting into a team sport in which you are co-parenting with, often, the last person in the world that you wanna be sharing a uniform, team or game field with. Through my experience in the work that I do with co-parenting mamas every day, I found out that too often we are ill-equipped for the position we're in. We're co-parenting without the necessary tools, without the instruction manual to follow, without the game plan to build a successful relationship with our ex, our kids, and our, well, just insert any human relationship. But it's not your fault.

You just haven't learned the tools or created the game plan to get you where you want to go yet. This is what I hope this book will do for you. It's a starting point to begin to build your own co-parenting manual that is customized to you and your family. Based on the foundational principles that I teach my clients and use every day in my own life, you will set yourself up to co-parent with more calm and confidence no matter what chaos is around you. But first, let me be really clear about what we're not doing in this book. We are not blaming anyone. The fact is hurt people hurt people. We are not going to blame the past. What happened has happened and that can't be changed. We are going to focus on what you can change.

We are going to provide you the tools you need to shift out of the patterns that keep you stuck in pain and conflict. We are not going to do deep trauma work. If you have deep unresolved trauma and have not had the opportunity to heal that, I encourage you to reach out to find a therapist or trauma specialist to guide you through that healing process. And while you are doing that work, go ahead and keep reading because what I am going to teach you are the simple, effective tools that you can use to make your co-parenting better today, like immediately. So who is this book for? I'm guessing that you picked this book up because either you believe that you are or have a hunch that you may be a people-pleaser or you are tired of feeling exhausted from trying to control everyone's opinions and behaviors. You are frustrated because despite your tireless efforts, your other co-parenting partner will not get on board with what you want. You may even wish that you could feel really connected to your kiddos, but now that your time is split, it seems impossible and you feel like they are drifting away. No matter where you are or where you have been, you can change. But let's start at the beginning with a working definition so that we are all on the same page.

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines people-pleaser as someone or something that pleases or wants to please people, often a person who has an emotional need to please others at the expense of their own needs or desires. Well, yeah, who doesn't want to please everybody else? That's just being a good person, right? Yes, of course. I mean, people-pleasing is paramount to good relationships when you are taking others into account and being warm and gracious and loving. People-pleasing, though, can be negative when pleasing others comes at the expense of yourself. When you are not meeting or honoring your needs because the need to please others is stronger, that is when we enter the dark side of people-pleasing. People-pleasing isn't a personality trait or a diagnosis. It is one of the protective measures our unconscious mind uses to help us understand and deal with the world around us, starting when we are children. So why do we start people-pleasing? In a nutshell, everyone has experiences with people and events from their childhood that leave an imprint or cause them to feel unsafe. So a facade or false sense is created to shield them from the pain. This isn't done consciously at all, but rather through the subconscious.

I will refer to this as the ego, which creates it for safety. We hear a lot about the ego and the negative effects of it, but I think it is important to know and keep in mind that the ego is simply your subconscious brain's way of trying to create certainty, control, and just trying to keep you safe. There are many different forms that the ego can take based on complex psychological systems at play. For the sake of this conversation, the important thing to know is that whatever you've experienced as a child, your brain created this ego on a subconscious level to hide behind as a safety mechanism to help you feel safe. If there was a lot of yelling in a home, a child might take on the role of the pacifier or peacekeeper to help feel more in control of the uncontrollable. In a home where conflict is a bad thing, a child might learn to avoid it at all costs and to be a "good girl" to avoid it. If love and affection are only given based on being good or achieving or striving, then a child will learn to be a people-pleaser in order to get the desired attention. For the purpose of this book, we are going to look at co-parenting through the lens of people-pleasing for those of us who have learned to be people pleasers.

We are going to explore how some of the behaviors and manifestations of people-pleasing could be impacting your today. Not sure if you have people-pleasing tendencies? Below are some ways that you might notice people-pleasing showing up in your life. So without judgment, just say yes to any of the statements below that you see yourself doing. You are quick to agree to avoid conflict. You often feel responsible for how other people feel. You apologize often. You do things even when you don't want to so that others aren't disappointed. You accept fault even when you're not to blame. You feel burdened by things you have to do. You find it hard to say no. You feel uncomfortable when someone is upset with you. You find yourself acting like people around you to "fit in" even if it is self-destructive behavior. You go to great lengths to avoid conflict. You fear anger. You don't admit when your feelings are hurt.

You need the praise and approval of others. You often push your own needs aside. You have trouble identifying how you really feel. You give hoping others will reciprocate with the love and affection you desire. You are always busy and have no time for you. You feel frustrated and resentful often. You get passive-aggressive. You see a pattern where people take advantage of you. You say yes even when you want to say no. Did you notice yourself in any of these? If you did, there's no blame, no judgment, no panic needed. The most important piece is to simply notice and be aware. You can't change what you aren't aware of, so that's always the first step. And let's give you a lot of compassion for the little part of you that was hurt and scared and traumatized in childhood. That version created the mask of people-pleasing, because when you changed yourself to please others in your life, it felt easier or safer or more controllable. So let's send so much love and compassion to that little part of you and go ahead and tell yourself that we are not going to take this away. We are just going to learn some different ways to feel better.

Now, this is the time when your mind is going to tell you all the reasons why what I am telling you is wrong and that you should close this book. That is just the little version of you who is simply used to and dependent on the mask and doesn't want to risk any change. Instead, what I want you to do is simply be willing to listen to that part of you that picked up this book, that resonated with the idea, and that knows that you are meant for more than this people-pleasing life. It is probably going to feel challenging, annoying, and pointless to talk about all of this. I thought so, too. But I want you to just trust me for a moment that the people-pleasing could be making more of the decisions in your life than you choose to admit. That it might be holding you back from showing up in your momming and your co-parenting, and could be the thing that's keeping you small in your life. This book is here to liberate you from people-pleasing so that you can start to protect, love, and care for you and those you love without hiding and pretending. We are going to do that by helping you become aware, determine the agency that you have, and take aligned action so that you can experience true freedom and liberation.

Through the stories in this book, you may identify with one or more of the beautiful women and men, stay tuned, or maybe with all of them a little bit, but you're in good company if you do. We people-pleasers are loving, efficient, successful group of humans. I encourage you to be curious and open as you read these pages, taking what resonates with you. So that was just the introduction, and I hope that it piqued your interest, and if it feels on your heart, I do hope that you'll go and buy the book. There's a Kindle version, there's a paperback version, and I have a workbook that goes along with it. So you can find all of that on my website, and the link will be in the show notes.

So I can't wait to hear what you think of the book. Please, please, please, when you get it, send me a DM on Instagram, with a picture of you with the book, it would mean the world to me. I'm so excited to hear what you have to say, and most importantly, I am excited to see what kind of freedom and liberation you feel when you stop playing peacekeeper and start creating your own peace. Until next week, friend, take really, really good care of you, and remember, I love you, and I'm here for you. Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice.

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Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.

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