Ep #93: The Most Generous Interpretation

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of doors and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode. Hello Friends I have a question for you. Have you ever wondered why despite wanting to make a change, like desperately wanting something to be different, you just can't seem to do it enough to get the results. Maybe you promise not to get triggered by your ex, but yet you keep finding yourself triggered. Maybe you really wanna prioritize feeling better, but you don't do the things that you need to actually change, maybe you've set up the perfect plan to be okay while the your kids are with their other parent, and then the time comes and you don't follow through on any of it, and you end up not feeling okay. Maybe you promised to get yourself super organized, so that transition days are simple and easy for you, so that getting back to school in the fall seems like a breeze, but you just don't do it. Well, good news is, there's nothing wrong with you. You just probably aren't utilizing your energy, your time, and the innate abilities that you have within yourself effectively to actually navigate the change. I mean, here's the thing, we all really want things to be different at times, or there's so much change in our life, but we just get overwhelmed and don't even know where to start, so we don't go anywhere, and this feels miserable, and I don't want this for you. Because as co-parents, if there is one thing we have to do, well, it's navigate change, it's navigating conflict, it's navigating other people's choices when we don't have a say. So as co-parents, we need to build the muscle of being able to navigate change really, really well. So if this is you, well, today is a good day, because this August, I'm gonna be hosting a month-long workshop. We're gonna be taking a deep dive into what it looks like to learn how to create and navigate long-term change just for co-parents, because here's the thing, chaos and change is always gonna be coming, and so we need to get really good at building the muscle to navigate it, so that no matter what happens, we are left standing, grounded and at peace. So you and I and a group of beautiful souls are gonna walk this journey together in August. Why August? Because we all know September's back to school season. I know for my son, he's actually going back in August, but that's okay, because we wanna be ready to navigate anything that happens, whatever change is coming 'cause we all know it's coming, but so that you can feel grounded and have the grace and the confidence to move through it, no matter what's going on, and I promise you this experience together in August is gonna allow you to do it. So please join me, there's gonna be a link in the show notes, or you can just DM me on Instagram, but I cannot wait to do this deep dive with you guys. It is going to be so fun and life-changing, 'cause you guys are gonna know how to navigate change. I'm super excited that you're back here with me today for today's topic, because it is one that I've been thinking a lot about and I'm really excited to bring to you, but before I do that, I just wanna ask you a favor, I hear from so many of you that say you listen to all these episodes and you get so much value from it, and that warms my heart so much because that's why I'm doing it, is to help you guys and for us to be able to navigate all this co-parenting journey together. So I would be so appreciative if you would just go on over to Apple or wherever you listen to your podcasts and rate and review the show, five star ratings would be amazing, and I'd appreciate it so much from you, but do follow the show so that you don't miss out on anything, and that way we can stay together in this journey, so if you take a couple of seconds to go over and do that, I'd be really grateful. But today, what I wanna talk about is really boil down to mindset, because mindset is everything. If there's one thing I see so often, you start your co-parenting journey fresh off of what likely was a very traumatic end to a relationship, to a situation, to a marriage, where everything that you believed was going to happen, all the dreams that you had are suddenly changed and you're left really reeling from maybe some trauma, maybe the betrayal, maybe infidelity, maybe trust was broken in other ways, but basically you're being asked to co-parent with someone who there has been a lot of baggage, there's been a lot of hurt, and there's been a lot of pain, so there's healing that has to take place, and that healing is such an important part of the work, and I do that with each and every one of my clients as we navigate those feelings and learning how to process them and move through them. And equally as important to that is our mindset, because mindset is everything, mindset is really so important because how we think creates our belief, and those beliefs become the lens from which we see the world. So if I am lenses on that is a rose colored, I am going to see everything with a rose-colored hue, if I have a blue lens on, I'm gonna see everything through that hue. So if our thinking and our belief really do create our perspective of the world, but they also create our feelings, and our feelings are what determine what we do or don't do in life, and those actions are what are giving us the result. So it all boils down to how we're thinking, and that's why I wanted to talk about mindset today because it's so crucial, like I started this conversation, oftentimes we're starting co-parenting kind of in the weeds, behind the starting line, if you will, and we have to understand that our minds are built on negativity, they're built for negativity as a survival mechanism. I know I've talked about this on episodes, and it's really important to understand how your brain works. This is something I teach each of my clients, because when we understand what's going on in our brain, why we have the negative thinking, kinda takes the pressure off and it makes us feel less like there's something wrong with us. Our brain is wired for negativity so that we can stay alive, it's a survival technique, right? Just in case, it's gonna think that everything is dangerous until it's proven otherwise, so as soon as you know that your brain has this sort of wiring already built in, it's important to keep in mind, but also what can happen in times of conflict, in times of hurt, is we get really consumed by it, right? The negative thinking actually starts to build and build them build on itself, and we get more and more consumed by the conflict, consumed by the problem, consumed by the hurts and the feelings, and soon our thoughts and our belief shift to everything that is wrong, everything is a problem, and we've become really, really focused there, and that is where I wanna talk today, because when we find ourselves in this difficult place, it's learning how to shift our perspective, and it doesn't happen overnight, and it actually is a conscious choice that we have to make. Yes, there is a part where time heals all wounds. Yes, time does allow us the opportunity to step away from the pain so that we have more space around it, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it is dealt with or healed, so what we wanna do is start to create a mindset that is promoting that healing, is promoting us moving forward in growth and transformation and in freedom. So how do we do this? It all comes down to awareness. I know I talk about the three A's Awareness, Agency and Aligned Action, that is the foundation of the process that I work all my clients through because that is the way that we create change and navigate it. So as soon as we realize that we're caught up in the narrative, when we're focused on only seeing what's wrong, or we're focused on only seeing the other co-parent as who they used to be. If you've grown since the break up, there's a chance that they did too, while we see our own growth, our own change, we don't offer that same perspective and that same opportunity to the other co-parent, we just consistently believe that they are the exact same as they used to be, and when we do that, we're really doing a disservice to ourselves because we're looking at it through a lens that might not be accurate. So you might be thinking to yourself, Mikki, you're totally off-base. My co-parenting partner is still the jerk that they were then, and they're still the jerk now, they are consistently that way. Okay, I understand that. And if we wanna be offered openness, curiosity, generosity, we have to be willing to do the same thing, and so I want to start with this shift in mindset to start looking at creating a lens and a perspective to offer generosity to ourselves and others. Where we are actually gonna look for opportunities and look for evidence that there has been maybe positive change or even any change or maybe just not as bad as it used to be. Now, I'm not talking about toxic positivity where we're ignoring the problem or we're ignoring bad behavior, no, what I'm talking about is intentionally learning to use awareness to shift our lens, to be focused on the solution, to be focused on what we do want instead of staying focused on what we don't want or the negativity. And this is a muscle that we have to build mindset is a muscle, just like any other muscle in your body that we have to become aware of, we have to work at, we have to strengthen it, it's uncomfortable sometimes. Sometimes we're like, no, this doesn't feel right. But we stick with it because we wanna keep going on a growth mindset and not a fixed mindset. So I'm gonna give you two examples 'cause you might be like, "Okay, what really are you talking about here?" So one of my clients recently was really frustrated because the their other co-parent had sent them through the their attorney, a very nasty email with an allegation that they were completely out of control, and they were thinking that there needed to be some parenting time changes because of the erratic-ness of this person's behavior. So my client told me what had happened, and they have a very contentious relationship, so most of the communication is done via email through MyFamilyWizard that I know many of you use, and that's fine. So one of the days they had been in court again, because that's just the reality of what's going on, and she had been really frustrated, she didn't get the outcome that she wanted, she was feeling really frustrated, she was feeling really alone, she was feeling really backed in a corner, there was no one to help her, and now it's transition day, and she has to get the kids pulled together and over to the other parent's house, and the kids are not being helpful. They're just being kids. And she's frustrated, she's at the end of her rope, she's not had a good sleep, she is disorganized, things aren't ready to go and they're late. Okay, so now's she's late, so she's trying to get everybody, "Come on, you guys, we gotta get in the car, we gotta get going," because she can't be late because every time she's late, it causes more problems with the other person, so it's just getting worse and worse and worse. So she gets into the car, everybody's in the car, she's got her coffee, she's driving down the road, she says, "Hey, you grabbed that black bag, right? No, of course, they didn't grab the black bag and she got so frustrated, she hit the steering wheel and she dropped her coffee all over her and her daughter in the front seat of the car, she lost it, she lost it right? We all would, just so frustrated. She was like a tea kettle that had just been building, building, building, building, building, and that last final straw was the one that put her over the edge and she just unloaded. The rest of the ride within silent, nobody spoke, she dropped the kids off. And she felt awful. And then she started to really fear what was going to be the backlash of this, so she did all the damage control that she could do, she wrote the email, said what had happened, the kids were upset about it, they were upset when she dropped them off, it's just a mess, just a mess. And she felt awful. And by the time she and I talked, she had gone completely into a very bad place because she felt like I just can't win, I can't win here, I can't win with my kids, and she was so so frustrated. So that's one example. And before I talk any further, I wanna do one other example, 'cause maybe that one didn't resonate with you, certainly resonated with me. I know I've lost my cool many a time or two. So another one of my clients I was talking to the other day, and it was sort of similar, is that she was having a typical interaction with her child and the other co-parent that happens, she doesn't like the way the other co-parent deals with things when they're all together. She doesn't like how it affects her son, but she's standing there and she's watching it, it's slowly starting to build, where she's seeing and she's thinking to herself, "Oh my gosh, here we go, they're get into it again, like they always do." And she stood there and she watched it, and she didn't say anything. She was thinking, "Oh, I have to let it play out and see what's going on. Oh, I wish that she didn't act that way. Oh, I wish that he didn't act that way." She's having all of this conversation in her head when she was telling me about it and how frustrated she was and how this is always the way it is, and nothing's ever gonna change. I asked her, "Why didn't you say anything?" And she said, "Well, because I can't say anything. Every time I say something, it ends badly." She's upset with me. He's upset with me, I can't change them so what am I gonna say? So in these two examples, what do they have in common? What they had in common was, both of them had a mindset that this is just the way it is, nothing's ever really gonna change, I'm mired down in this muck and I can't get it off of me, I can't just... Can't get cleaned up. And so everything is seen through that, all of the decisions, all of the actions, all of the feelings are really predicated on this mindset that it's not gonna change, that there's no option here, that we're just stuck, and that's stuck-ness is continuing to perpetuate more stuck-ness. So the first client with the coffee and freaking out in the car, so I'm gonna talk about how we can go ahead and rectify this or start to shift our mindset in two ways, the first is really starting to shift the mindset, introducing the idea that we want to shift it, so that we can become aware so that we can then build the muscle, which is gonna be the second thing we talk about. This first one is the awareness, and part of that is using this great question, what is the most generous interpretation? So what I mean by, I asked my client, what is the most generous interpretation that you had of yourself in this situation? If we look back and we're not trying to judge or blame or criticize, but we're just looking to understand, to be open and willing to see what we can learn, what would be the most generous interpretation? For her, she found she was really overloaded, her tank was completely on empty before she even got to into the car, before she even got to 20 minutes before the car ride or an hour before the car ride. She was depleted, and so she didn't have anything to give, and so looking at it from this generous interpretation, she started to look at that she needed to shift things so that she could show up in a more kind, loving way. And now when I say kind, loving way, I don't mean passive and friendly and smile on your face and placating your people pleasing, what I mean is how can she learn to take care of herself and others, but not at her expense. Also, when we can use this most generous interpretation. It also can be applied to the other person, because frankly, she has a belief about the other co-parent and listen, the belief is probably that they're always fighting, and you know what? She's in court all the time, so there's a lot of evidence that that's true, and if she stays focused that that is the only thing, it really makes any solution orientation for herself harder, and so it's not looking for the ways that the other person is right or how things aren't as awful as they seem, but it's really looking at how can I be generous to all of us in this situation. That might look like sending a text where maybe she isn't normally to say, "We're running 20 minutes behind, we'll be there as soon as we can." Or sending something on MyFamilyWizard, but instead of letting the stress consume her and get her to a point that she's triggered, it's being generous to say, I'm gonna go ahead and offer myself this space, and then I'm going to offer it to them too. So next time, maybe something happens on their end, she doesn't come on glued quite as quickly, but this is where building that muscle comes into play, so what is building the muscle look like? Well, it looks like learning how to open your mind and you're thinking intentionally so that you are willing to analyze things, so that you're willing to be wrong, so that you're willing to learn. Are you willing to fail? Are you willing to offer that generosity to yourself and to others? So when we start to build this muscle and using this beautiful question that I really do love of what is the most generous interpretation? Because that automatically shift our mind out of the negativity and into how can I look at this in a generous perspective? Well, learning how to do this requires us to build the muscle of awareness, and one easy way that you could start to build the muscle of awareness is when you have something happen, like for this client, it was the car, or for my other client, as she's standing there watching the situation escalate yet saying nothing. Really, instead of judging herself or criticizing again, just having a set time every day where she reflects, what did I do well, what did I... Maybe where do I wish I had done things differently? And a really easy way to do this is every night when you're brushing your teeth before you go to bed. So I have an electric toothbrush that gives me the two minutes, it tells me when two minutes are up. I often tell clients to go ahead and use that time while they're brushing their teeth to reflect on one thing that happened during the day that you wish maybe had gone a little bit differently. For this client, maybe it was just looking at how everything led up to that moment in the car and what she would have liked to have done differently, what would she have needed to have done for herself earlier in the morning, maybe the night before, to set herself up so that she had enough in her tank to be able to handle what was going on. For the other client in the situation where she stood there and didn't ask any questions because she assumed she couldn't, because history told her that nothing was gonna change, well, how could she reflect on this situation and ask herself, what would it be the most generous interpretation here? If I was being generous to my ex, what would I think about what they are or aren't doing? If I had the most generous interpretation towards my child, what would I think about what happened there? And if I had the most generous interpretation towards myself, how would I have done things differently? Now, you might say, "This is ridiculous, because nothing's gonna change," but there is the key, it will change when we are aware of it and we start to choose differently. So we can only change what we're aware of, so really just allowing yourself those two minutes while you're brushing your teeth before you go to bed, to simply reflect on one area that maybe you wished you'd done a little bit differently, look at it, decide what would I have liked to do differently, what would be the most generous interpretation moving forward, and then allow yourself to think about that to say, "Okay, you know tomorrow, I need to get up a little earlier to be a little bit more organized," or in the next transition day, "I've gotta make sure the night before everything is ready to go so that I'm not so stressed out in the morning," whatever it is, you just make notes and then commit to doing that for yourself, commit to shifting your perspective into a more positive mindset. Shift yourself into a more generous interpretation of what's going on and what you have available to you. Because when you start looking for it, you will find it, and I just wanna be clear, I am not saying that you should ignore bad behavior or that you should just say, "Oh, everything is great. Everything happens for a reason." No, what I'm saying is that we need to be aware of where we need to stop looking only at what's wrong and start looking for growth, looking for those opportunities. There's that adage where your attention goes, your energy flows, so we have to be intentional about where our focus is, and that's why I love this question to be shifting your mindset into a more productive solution-oriented mindset. So that's what I have for you today. I hope this helps, and I would love to hear from you how you think this might shift things in your own life. I love talking to you guys on Instagram, so meet me over there. Feel free to DM me, and if you ever need some help, please let me know, and I do hope that you consider joining the August group this year because it is going to be a blast. Alright, my friends, I will talk to you soon. Remember that you are very, very loved, and I'll talk to you next week and in the meantime, take really, really good care of your friends. And one more thing, the legal stuff, this podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only, it is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice, please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.