Ep #86: The Messy Middle Minisode

[music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a Certified Life and Conscious Parenting Coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Welcome back to the podcast. I'm excited to be with you today. This is going to be a little minisode, and mostly I'm just talking to myself here, because I need a little pep talk. I need a little reminder and a little inspiration, so I'm gonna give it to myself and you. So what did I wanna talk about today? The messy middle. Sometimes I feel like we are in the process of becoming, becoming a better version of ourselves, the mom we wanna be, the co-parent we wanna be. We're trying so hard to do all the things, maybe achieving goals at work, maybe supporting your kids through really difficult times. Whatever it is, there's this period where you really, really, really want things to be different or you really want to achieve a goal and how things are today, they don't match up. You're in-between those two things. And that's what the messy middle is. It's the middle part between where you wanna go and where you have been. So what's the question that I was asking myself today that I thought I would answer is how do you stay intentional? How do you support yourself? How do you not add to the mess when you're in the messy middle? And that's what I was doing for myself over the last 24 hours and I thought, you know what? I'm gonna share this with you guys and I'm gonna go ahead and bookmark it for myself for the next time that I find myself in the messy middle 'cause it's gonna happen. So for me, I am in the middle of doing something really big that I have dreamed of doing for a very long time. And I got started, I'm on the path, but it's messy and I'm in the middle of it, and I'm not at the finish line and I'm frustrated and I wanna be there. And it's so often that we find ourselves in these places. And when I think about it, when it relates to co-parenting, this comes up so, so often. When we really don't wanna be where we've been in the co-parenting relationship and we know where we wanna go, we can see it, we can feel it, we can taste it, we know how great it's gonna be if we can just get there, but it's that middle part, it's the living in the in-between, and how do you do that with intentionality and purpose? Well, I wanna tell you what I did last night. And I've talked about this before, but it was one of those nights where I just decided I'm gonna show up the way that I talk to my clients. I'm gonna show up the way that I know works, but I'm actually just gonna do it. So what did that look like? Well, for me to accomplish this dream, there are some hurdles I have to get over and one of them was happening this morning. Now, it's Monday morning, I usually wanna go to yoga, I wanna do some different things in the mornings that did not involve what I needed to do. And I spent the whole weekend really spending time with friends and family and I had a house full of people and I loved every second of it. So I didn't wanna give up that either. And so I found myself really dreading this morning that was coming, but I stopped and I asked myself, "Who do I wanna be? Who do I really wanna be? And who I wanna be is the person that accomplishes this dream." So then I had to step back and reverse engineer it. "Okay, so how would she act? What would she do?" Well, that was clear as day. That version, the person who does accomplish this goal, she would wake up, she would clear away all the shoulds, she would defer the things she wants to do, and she would prioritize what needed to happen today in these moments. And so that's what I did. I just let her guide my actions in this moment. I asked the future version of me what the answer was. And then I just trusted her. I trusted her to know that that's what we need to do. And then when I was done getting all the things done and it took a lot less time than I thought it would, it usually does, but that's a side note, then I decided, okay, I'm gonna support myself and I'm gonna celebrate the small victory. And I took myself on the walk that I wanted to go on. And I had to squeeze it in fast, the dog had to walk fast, because I had to keep going with everything, but I gave myself a moment to stop and celebrate and say, "You know what? I did that thing. I did what I needed to do. I set everything else aside. And you know what, I'm still doing all the other things too." And this is the thing, momma, you are doing all the things. You're showing up for your kids, you're showing up for you, and I know you're showing up even for the other co-parent when they're being difficult because you're listening, you're trying and you're doing. And that's all we can do. So even when the other co-parent is being super, super difficult, and you want things to be different and you don't want them to be the way they used to be, stay in the messy middle, but go ahead and trust your future self and ask her, what would she do in any given situation? When you're stuck and you're frustrated, maybe you wanna run away or maybe you just wanna scrap it all and unload and unleash all your anger onto them, stop, take a pause, and ask, what would she do? And then let her guide your steps. And listen, when your kids are struggling... I know my son is a new teenager and he's struggling right now. There are things that are really hard. He doesn't need me to fall apart with him. He doesn't. He doesn't need me to meet him in that hysterical sort of anxious place. No, what he needs me to do is double down. Double down on my work for me, double down on calming myself, being confident to show up, asking myself, what do I need in this moment so that I can be emotionally regulated. And then here's the other thing, asking him, "Who do you need me to be?" Because when we ask them, "What do you need from me?" Sometimes, they'll give us the most amazing simple answer. Sometimes they won't, but go ahead and ask. Let yourself be in this messy middle. Let yourself not maybe be the version of you that you wanna be, but not letting yourself revert back to where you don't wanna go. Let yourself be in the messiness, but support yourself along the way. Celebrate yourself along the way. Give yourself a ton of grace along the way. And I think the one thing I wanted to just say is, remind you, go ahead and take a pause, take a breath and ask that version of you that you really... The one that you're wanting to become, that goal that you're wanting to achieve, the dream that you're really wanting to make come to reality, ask the version of you that has already accomplished that, what would she do? How would she be feeling? And what would her next steps be? And then trust her. Trust her with all your heart and soul, and walk towards her. So that's my little mini-episode today that I wanted to just share, because I know we all get stuck in the messy middle sometimes and it's okay. You're gonna make your way out. And if you need any help, you know I'm here for you, friend. Just reach out and I will help you. And will you do me a favor and help me with something? I would be so grateful if you love these episodes, if you're listening to these, if you would subscribe to the show. Wherever you listen to podcasts, whether it's Apple or Spotify or whatever, there's usually on the page three little dots, just push it and follow this show so that you never miss any future episodes. And if you would be willing to give me a 5-star review, I would be so grateful because that is how we share the love. That is how we get the word out so that other people can find this message too. And if you wanna share it with friends, I would be so grateful. Just take a screenshot and share it on your socials and make sure to tag me so that we can connect there. Alright, friend, I'm wishing you all the best and I'll talk to you next week. In the meantime, take really, really good care of you. Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. [music] Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]