Ep #136: The Foundations for Being a Changemaker with Molly Claire

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Mikki: Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

Mikki: Welcome back to the podcast. I am really excited to have our guest on today because she is an amazing person and probably one of my favorite humans. And so, Molly Claire is back on the podcast today. But before we dive into that, I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you for coming here to the podcast. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing it with your family and friends who you really feel like could receive value from the conversations that we have here. I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you, because I am really so grateful that you're here. And if you are receiving value from this podcast, and you're ready to sort of take it to the next level to find a little bit more, what I want you to do is use the link in the show notes to set up a breakthrough call with me. Why? Because sometimes we don't know what the next step is. And oftentimes, we need someone to sort of talk it through with us. And that's what I do on these breakthrough calls. The calls are not meant for me to solely sell you on why you need to coach with me. The calls are really there for you to decide what's my next step, what feels most aligned in where I am and where I wanna go? And then, I help you craft the plan to do that. And that's what we're talking about today on this episode.

Mikki: But I wanted to just say, please go over and use the link in the show notes to schedule your breakthrough call. It is a 20 minute call where you get to come, get some answers and create some clarity on your next step so that you can start moving forward in the direction you wanna go. I mean, who doesn't need that, right? So go ahead and give yourself that gift. And take a listen to this conversation that I had with Molly Claire. She's a seven-figure business builder, founder of the Masterful Coach Collective, author of the bestselling book, The Happy Mom Mindset, and a proud mom of three. She is also a divorced single mom who is doing it all and so, so well. She hosts her own podcast, which is amazing. And she teaches so many people. She speaks to coaches, entrepreneurs, and women all over who are united in making the world a better place. And I know that is each and every one of you listening. And so I cannot wait to share this conversation with you. Please get paper and a pen because she says so many things here that I know you are gonna wanna think about. And so, without further ado, here is the incomparable Molly Claire. This is a happy day 'cause I get to talk to my friend, my mentor, the most amazing human, Molly Claire. Welcome back, Molly.

Molly Claire: Hello. I'm so excited to be here with your amazing listeners, doing big brave things every day, helping the people in their lives. Yeah.

Mikki: Yes, absolutely. I love that you started that way because you understand being a divorced single mom, going through doing all this stuff and it is big, brave things every day. That's what we're doing.

Molly Claire: Oh my gosh. It really is. It's like, as women, we just do it. And I think sometimes even we can make it seem effortless, but it's not. It's not at all. It's the real deal.

[laughter]

Mikki: Yes. Why we mastered that art of subtly making it look easy, it's just not a good idea. But yes, we do.

Molly Claire: It's so funny. I have a friend of mine who was talking to me and saying almost like, "Yeah, well... " Almost indicating that he's not sure how it's easy for me. And I was like, "Well, it's not".

[chuckle]

Mikki: Yeah. It's not, although it appears completely to be that way. No.

Molly Claire: Yeah, yeah.

Mikki: Well, I really appreciate you coming on today. And you are a master coach, you teach coaches, you have taught me more than I can ever thank you for. And I really just love hearing what you have to say. And so I just wanna say even if you're not a coach... Although I know there are coaches. Even if you are not a coach, today's conversation is gonna be so juicy. And so let's dive into it and keep listening, because you have come here with a beautiful message to share, which I think is relevant to each and every one of us that's trying to do the work and become the best version of ourselves. And so talk to me about how we do that.

Molly Claire: Yeah. So all of you here listening, there are things in your life you want to change and improve. Your co-parenting relationship, you wanna improve the way you show up as a mom. Maybe you wanna hit certain goals in your income, in your life, your health, whatever it is. And so, I'm working with coaches who are helping people just like you to implement change and growth in your life. And the work that I do is helping them to understand how to support you. So here you are trying to make change in your life, and I know oftentimes the question that we can ask ourselves is, where do I begin? Do I need a really good action strategy? How am I gonna be held accountable to that? What are the things I need to do to make this better? And then, many of you are also aware that there are some emotional needs, ways that you need support emotionally to be able to integrate changes. We're hearing more and more about the way we believe, how we think and mindset. And I know Mikki talks about that here. And so, I think with change already often feeling challenging to do, then there becomes that question of what's the best way to approach it. And so, really in short, what I say is. There are many ways to approach it. And what my hope is, my message for all of you is to give you a little bit of understanding into the different options of how you can help yourself move forward and integrate change and really understand today maybe what's the best step for you personally.

Mikki: Perfect. So how do we do that?

Molly Claire: Okay, let's do it. Keep going. Okay, so I'm gonna break this down into four important aspects of you as a human being when it comes to implementing change. So let's talk first about mindset, thoughts, beliefs. And I know, Mikki, you talk about this all the time with your clients and your listeners, right? Yes.

Mikki: Yes. I'm sure they're sick of hearing it, but today you get to hear it from someone better than I say it. So, keep listening.

[laughter]

Molly Claire: I don't know about that. But I think it's important and it's one piece.

Mikki: One piece. Yeah.

Molly Claire: But I'm gonna talk about it first and then we're gonna move on to the next. So the way we think about our life creates our experience of our life. If we are thinking about a relationship in our life as contentious and being ready for a fight, we're gonna show up contentious, ready for a fight. If we believe that we are not capable of doing a great job raising our kids on our own, we will struggle more because we have that belief. So the way we think about our life matters, the way we believe about ourself matters. And I also want to point out that while that idea can seem helpful, it can also seem super overwhelming, because how do I begin to change this? Like, how do I begin to believe I'm more capable? How do I begin to let go of this idea that this co-parenting relationship is contentious when I have a lot of experience that shows me that it is.

Mikki: Right. Exactly. Yeah.

Molly Claire: Yeah. So... Yeah, go ahead.

Mikki: Oh, I was just going to say, I wanna speak to that person that's like, yeah, I know, but right. It's yes, I know. I shouldn't think this way, but... Because these are neural pathways that just get used over and over and over and over. And the more used it is, the more sort of deep the groove is in our brain actually. And then we just go to it more. So it's not as simple. And that's what I love you're gonna be talking about as we go through this conversation. It's not as simple to just say, well, don't think that way, or just believe this way.

Molly Claire: Right. Right.

Mikki: We can't just do that.

Molly Claire: It can be frustrating sometimes, right?

Mikki: Yes. Oh, when someone tells you just not to do that or not think that, it's frustrating.

Molly Claire: Yeah, yeah. And sometimes it can seem like pie in the sky thinking or wearing rose-colored glasses. So I wanna be clear to all of you, that's not what I'm suggesting, and it's never going to work.

Mikki: Right.

Molly Claire: And also, if you're hearing this and thinking, "Oh, well, it's my fault. Because I am thinking this is contentious. And because I am thinking this, it's my fault that I'm doing such a crappy job". None of this is your fault. All this is, is you have experiences in your life and your brain turns them into thoughts that seem to be absolute beliefs that become mindsets. It just happens. You're not doing anything wrong. None of this is your fault. And mindset and addressing it in the right way can be one of the ways you can implement change.

Mikki: 100%.

Molly Claire: So, I think maybe for the sake of helping your listeners one at a time, that's what we'll say about that. And then we can circle back to it in practical terms as we move forward. Sound good?

Mikki: Yeah.

Molly Claire: Okay. I know this can be overwhelming and it's like, okay, the last thing we all need is one more thing to overwhelm, right?

Mikki: Correct. Okay. So mindset, one avenue.

Molly Claire: Yes. One avenue. And there are many things we can do to make shifts in the way we think, not in a rose-colored glasses way, but in ways that truly serve you and help you to experience more ease in your life, which is nice to know.

Mikki: It is nice to know.

Molly Claire: Yeah. [chuckle] Okay. So the second one is awareness of, sometimes I refer to this as your emotion set, like we hear about mindset, but your emotion set, kind of your go-to emotions that you seem to experience regularly. And even just thinking about that, like, as I say that, it would be interesting for all of you listening to think, what are kind of my go-to emotions? Where do I live emotionally a lot of the time?

Mikki: It is an interesting thing to think about.

Molly Claire: Yeah. And yes, there's a connection between the thoughts and feelings. And our thoughts will create feelings for us. But if we just separate it out, it's important to notice what are your go-to emotions? Because sometimes just understanding that can allow you a starting point for cultivating a new emotion set. An emotion set that will feel better, that will serve you better. So emotion set. And then, also just this idea that within you as a human being, within your emotions, there are emotions within you that need to be attended to. And I'll talk more about this, but this idea that emotions are meant to be felt. They need to be processed. Grieving needs to happen. Crying needs to happen. And so if, for example, we contrast this with trying to just do mind over matter and change my thoughts and my mindset. But we're doing that as a means of hoping we can just eliminate the need to feel these feelings or process, it's not going to work and it actually keeps you more stuck.

Mikki: 100%. 100%. And I can say from personal years, decades maybe, of personal experience of trying to avoid the feeling.

Molly Claire: Yes. Yes.

Mikki: But it doesn't work. [laughter]

Molly Claire: Let me think of a way out of these feelings. It just doesn't work.

Mikki: It doesn't.

Molly Claire: It can be a Band-Aid for a while, but then you pay the price. Those emotions under there, they've got to come out. Yeah.

Mikki: I heard someone say the other day, trying to think our way out of the feelings is like putting a Band-Aid on a bullet hole.

Molly Claire: Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah.

Mikki: And it was like, I mean, just that visual, it's like, yeah, it's... I mean, for a second, you might get some protection and relief, but ultimately it just blocks the healing.

Molly Claire: That's... Yeah.

Mikki: I just wanted to share that.

Molly Claire: Exactly. Exactly. So that's the other piece, as you're thinking about changes you wanna make in your life, of course, there's mindset, there's your outlook. And then there's also attending to emotional needs that you may have. And there are a lot of ways we can do that. But right now, just thinking about my emotion set, where do my emotions normally go? And are there some emotions, some tears, or some grieving within me that needs to be attended to in order for me to move forward? That's number two.

Mikki: Yeah. That's a big one. Number two. Got it. Okay.

Molly Claire: Okay. Number three is, there are emotions that need to be processed. And then, there is a nervous system that all of us have. And our nervous system can have some pretty big responses at times. Our sympathetic nervous system can get activated. A lot of us have heard terms like fight or flight, freeze or fawn. These trauma responses, nervous system activation. And it's important to be aware of nervous system activation and what it looks like for you.

Mikki: Okay.

Molly Claire: Okay. And so, for example, with your listeners, they may have some triggering experiences when they are trying to co-parent and something happens and they feel immediately heightened. And yes, there's emotion there, but there's more of a triggered response where there are things happening in their body that are somewhat really out of their control, very automatic. So we have to be aware of that because if we're trying to process emotions or work with our mindset, when we're having this activation of the nervous system, we're losing access to the part of our brain that can be rational, that can be reasonable, that can be creative, that can be strategic. So for that piece, are you aware of what your nervous system responses are like? Do you recognize them? Yeah.

Mikki: Okay.

Molly Claire: So then, the fourth thing that's super important to take into account as you are implementing changes in your life and growth and moving forward, is the right kind of action strategy. Because sometimes we think the solution to change is always going to be action when action is a part of it. But sometimes, starting with the mindset or with the emotion set or with better nervous system regulation is actually what's gonna make different actions just happen naturally. And the reason I say the right type of actions is because we can also set ourselves up to fail miserably at taking new actions when we're setting them up in a way where it's absolute, where there's perfectionism, or we're expecting ourselves to take actions that don't even fit with like our style of how we are. Like a perfect example of this would be someone who is taking on an action plan that works very well for someone who's very type A and very organized and very absolute. And this person is more creative and more free flowing, and they're trying to put in place a strategy that doesn't even match them, and then they just feel like an utter failure. And then they, of course, collect more evidence that they will never be able to get it together. Is this, like this is a familiar.

Mikki: 100%. I was just thinking about doing your morning routine, having this amazing morning routine, and getting up early and doing it. And listen, I prescribed to it all day long, because I'm an early morning person.

Molly Claire: That's right.

Mikki: Since I was like, six, I jump out of bed, the early bird gets the worm. Like, that's just who I am. So for me, no brainer. For my clients who don't actually like to get up early or do their best work late at night. I think what you're saying is when we try to shove ourselves in a box of this thing that's gonna work, and then it doesn't. We just keep all the judgment, all the shame and all the more evidence of why we can't do it.

Molly Claire: Exactly. Exactly. Well, I wanna highlight, yes, that. Don't put yourself in a box. Make sure that you're having solutions and strategies that actually fit and work for you. Number one. And I think also sometimes we're trying to build a habit or an action pattern before we even have established it. And so, it's like implementing change takes some energy. And so, like every day, so I brush my teeth several times a day. It doesn't take any effort for me. It's very automatic. When I go in and I get my toothbrush, I'm thinking about everything else other than brushing my teeth because it's automatic. But think about how hard it is to get your kids to brush their teeth 'cause they don't want to because they're not in the mode of it. And I always think the amount of effort that it takes to create a new habit and make it automatic is a little bit significant. It takes some focus and some effort from us. And oftentimes, the reason we quit is because a part of us believes it's always going to be that hard, and it's always going to take that much effort. And that seems exhausting, so we quit.

Molly Claire: So I think instead when we can first identify the type of action strategies that are actually gonna be effective for you and then build in this space of saying, during this time, I give more energy to building this habit and I only focus on it because I know that then it's gonna become automatic and it's going to be easy. So it really is giving yourself permission to have it be hard when you start. And to stack little tiny wins of first establishing a habit and then building it. And what I mean by that is, for example, if you wanna start a yoga practice every day, well, first start with getting the yoga mat out at the same time every day and then do the next thing. So yeah, I think that having the right action strategy is worth spending some time thinking through what's actually going to work for you and what's actually sustainable and making sure that before you set up this big action plan that you're not setting yourself up in a way that's just gonna create more evidence that you suck and that you can't do it. [laughter]

Mikki: Yeah. Yeah, 'cause that's not gonna get us anywhere. I love that.

Molly Claire: Yeah.

Mikki: Okay, so how about we actually walk through this in a practical way, right? Like can we just take one example and walk it down the line so that they can start to think about what would work for them?

Molly Claire: Yes. For action, you're looking at all four areas.

Mikki: For all four.

Molly Claire: Yeah. So, the first question I will say is, if you're wondering, well, where do I start, what do I need? I know the answer, and that I know that you know the answer. Right? As you're listening, take a minute to think when you think about potentially being able to shift your perspective and your mindset and giving some attention there, or you think about maybe attending to some of your emotions, getting support with that, and you think about maybe paying more attention to when your nervous system activation is happening so you can attend to that or you think about some simple actions you might put in place, I think the best thing your listeners can do is just to focus on which one is calling to them to focus on first. Yeah.

Mikki: Yeah. I'm just kind of thinking of what I want it to be most useful for the audience, and I think one thing that continues to come up just over and over is how do I move past the sadness or how do I move past the anger towards the other co-parent when they call or at transition time, or how do I move through the sadness and loneliness that I feel when my child is with the other parents? And so, I'm curious how you would feel about talking about those big feelings that then create a lot of just sort of messy, tangled up stuff in our life and often behaviors that we're not happy with. And so, what do you think about that as an example?

Molly Claire: I think that's a perfect place to start.

Mikki: Okay.

Molly Claire: Because there are these four areas, but wherever you start and focus, there's gonna be a spill over on to all of the others. So as you're addressing these emotions, they're gonna be shifts in your mindset, you're gonna have better regulation of the nervous system and take better actions. So I love that one. And I will say I am 100% an advocate of each of you having support in your personal life. Obviously, I'm a believer in coaching. I work with coaches to be the support for all of you. I have multiple people I'm working with all the time to help me and to help me with my emotions because I think it's vital. So I'm gonna tell you some things you can do on your own. And by all means, if you can get support and help with Mikki or... Well, of course, I think you should use Mikki for this, but...

Mikki: [chuckle] But there's others.

Molly Claire: Either way, give yourself that support.

Mikki: Yeah. Yeah.

Molly Claire: So going through a divorce and having your life turn out so differently than you imagine for most people, many people here, it's almost like it brings these tangled threads of emotions, and sometimes the emotions can be overwhelming because there is sadness, there's grief, there's anger, there are fears. It's all there. And one of the little things that you can do is just take a little bit of time every day to care about how you feel. Okay. So my daughter comes home from school and she's had a bad day, and what I've learned, as I've learned to become a more supportive mom and what she needs, it's better for me to not push her to talk or try to fix it or give her solutions or even distract her. Although sometimes that can be helpful.

[chuckle]

Molly Claire: What she really wants is she wants me to be with her and care about how she feels. So what this looks like for that... The reason I'm giving this external example is I think many of your listeners, it's much easier for us to attend to others than it is to ourselves, so we're gonna bring it back. But this happened just yesterday with my daughter. She came home, bad day, I plopped down on the couch with her, I listened to her, I tell her I'm sorry she's feeling the way she is, she lays on my lap, we hug. That was exactly what my daughter needed. And that is exactly what all of you need, and you can ask for it from people around you and you can give it to yourself. There's a place for both. So what this looks like is you're feeling a lot of emotions, instead of trying to stay busy so you don't have to face them, or instead of getting caught in a thoughts world trying to talk yourself out of those feelings, take the time to write down your feeling and even writing like this love note to yourself, saying, "I'm so sorry self." Right? For me, like, "Molly, I hate that you're feeling this way. This is really hard. It matters that you feel this way". Just expressing through journal writing or dialogue in your head, or even out loud, to yourself, attending to the way you feel and giving that comfort as you would to another is honestly one of the most life-changing things you can do.

Mikki: I love that you stated that because we just wanna be heard and seen and know that it's reasonable, right? That our feelings matter and that...

Molly Claire: That's right.

Mikki: It's okay to be feeling this way. And so to actually carve out five minutes of your day to do that, it makes such a difference. Yes.

Molly Claire: And another thing you can all do is like set a little alarm on your phone for a few times a day, that just says, "Take a minute to care about how you feel".

Mikki: Oh, that's a great idea.

Molly Claire: And what this can look like is a check-in, right? Where I put my hand over my heart, and I can close my eyes for a second and just say, "Hey, how are you feeling?" right? Talking to yourself. "How are you feeling? I care about however you're feeling". Like just that it creates, going back to what you were saying about these neural pathways that are like right now, maybe they're saying "You need to get over this. You shouldn't be feeling this way. You've gotta handle this." Now we're creating that new pattern that says, "Hey, I care about how you feel. I care what's going on." And what this does is not only does it create that new pathway of thought, but it kind of softens everything, right? It softens the emotions, it softens those potentially heightened responses of the nervous system, it softens and opens up the ability to take better actions, it softens what's inside so we can have a more clear mindset, right? So this is an example of when I attend to those emotions, it allows space for those areas of change in my cognition with my nervous system, with the actions. So that's what's really cool. We don't have to know it all, we don't have to figure it all out. We can take one simple action and it has that spill over. Yeah.

Mikki: Yeah.

Molly Claire: Well, here's my other secret weapon when it comes to emotions. So sometimes when I'm having emotions, I need to cry, and it can be very hard for me to cry on my own. So you know what I do? I call one of my cry partners. One of my main cry partners is Mikki Gardner.

[laughter]

Molly Claire: She knows this is true. Because I'm like "Mikki, I need to cry. Can I cry to you?" She says, "Yes, you can cry to me."

Mikki: Yeah, anytime.

Molly Claire: And so that's the other thing. It's if you're focusing on the emotion piece, you can attend to it for you and rally the people who will just be willing to let you have emotions with them, people who aren't gonna tell you what to do, unless you want it. Sometimes we want that.

Mikki: Yeah.

Molly Claire: Right? Like, "Hey, give me guidance, or give me advice." But have those people that are willing to just care about how you feel, let you cry to them, so that you have it internally for you and you're building that support on the outside too.

Mikki: Oh, such a good point to make. And it's important 'cause we try to hold it in, right? We try to hold everything in, and especially as moms, right? Where you sneak to the bathroom or to the garage and cry on the floor.

Molly Claire: Yup, yup.

Mikki: Only reinforcing that you shouldn't be crying, right? Like this idea that you should be hiding away, and so it's so important to allow your feelings to be there. And I love what you just said that by accessing them, we're actually starting to tell our brain, that's okay to do that. We're telling our nervous system, it's okay to be here, right? And creating on all of the different points that you brought up today on that foundation of change, to be able to move through it. So it's so important that we do that.

Molly Claire: It just creates such a gentle process for change, because oftentimes, we wanna white knuckle our way to make changes. It feels so hard. We feel fearful that we won't do it. And I actually love Mikki that you had us focus on the emotion piece, because right now as I'm talking, even just what I've shared, I'm feeling so relaxed. I'm feeling so grounded. And when I'm in this space, it just makes it so easy to take the actions that serve me in my life, and it doesn't have to be this big checklist or accountability thing, I'm just in a place mentally and emotionally to be able to create what I want.

Mikki: Yeah, I love that you said that, because it is by accessing and by allowing, if it's the sadness or the anger, by actually calming ourselves and allowing ourselves to experience it, then we can ask that question of, now what? Right?

Molly Claire: Yeah. That's right.

Mikki: Now, what am I going to do? And Molly and I can't give you an answer on what the next step is, right? You have that. And by being able to respond in all these different ways, we're able to access that knowledge and what is the next step? Even if you don't know it, it's what's one step to start to move into the area that I wanna change. What's one step to move us closer to that. And so, I really appreciate what you have brought to us today, and I think we do have to do as many day series because I love talking to you and I feel like we could keep going, but...

Molly Claire: Yeah.

Mikki: Out of respect for time, if there was one thing that you really wanted the audience to know sort of now, one thing that they could do... I think you just gave a beautiful example of something, but is there anything else you want them to know?

Molly Claire: Yeah. I just want you to know that you are capable of so much more than you realize. You really are your child's or children's parent for a reason. You have everything in you to be the parent that they need. You don't have to parent like anyone else, you get to parent like you and build connection with your child. So I want you to know you have more abilities in you than you realize, do not quit on yourself and commit that you will surround yourself with people that believe in you and give you the exact support you need because you deserve it and it matters.

Mikki: Yes. I feel like we need to just make a little audiogram of what you just said and play it every morning. [chuckle]

Molly Claire: Right? I know.

Mikki: Yes.

Molly Claire: Right, right. Yes.

Mikki: Right. 'Cause it's what we do need and surrounding yourself and doing this work, and I know that each of the people listening, that's who they are and they're trying...

Molly Claire: That's right.

Mikki: Their darndest, and I applaud you for all the brave things you're doing, and I really hope that today's conversation opened up, right, not into this do one, two, and three, or steps X, Y, Z, but opened up a little bit of curiosity, a little bit of loving awareness on how you can start to create some change, and I think we probably should dive into another conversation around this, but I think it's a beautiful place to wrap up for today.

Molly Claire: Perfect, perfect.

Mikki: Thank you, Molly, for coming, for your wisdom and for being you.

Molly Claire: Yes, you are so welcome. So nice to be here and any time. I'm always up for a good conversation with all of you.

Mikki: I love that, thank you. Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff, this podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only, it is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or your qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.