Ep #72: The “F” Word

Welcome to the Co-parenting with Confidence podcast. I'm your host, Mikki Gardner, and this is episode number 72. The F word. [music] Welcome to Co-parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. Welcome friend. Thank you for being here today. Today, we are gonna talk about the F word. No, not that one. Well, okay, so I may say that one a couple of times, so earbuds might be a good idea on this episode, but before we get to all of that, I just wanted to say thank you. Thanks for being here with me. Listen, I know you are busy and you have a gazillion things that you could be doing or other amazing podcasts you'd be listening to. And I'm really, really, truly grateful that you're here with me talking about co-parenting or that you're taking me along on whatever it is you're doing. I love having this time with you each week, and I'm truly grateful for it, and if you're new here, welcome. I am super glad that you found the podcast. My intention here is to serve you, to add value and new perspectives to your life, to help you create more ease, more confidence, more calm and more joy in co-parenting. Listen, I know as well as anybody else that co-parenting can often feel the opposite of all of those things. You might find yourself trapped in the endless cycle of nastygrams with your ex, those are those text exchanges that just get more and more better and just go and go and go. Or maybe you are just tired of questioning every single decision that you have to make. You just wanna be able to make a choice and feel like a good mom, or maybe you are completely exhausted and worn down from parenting alone, and you just wanna be free to love and care for your kids without feeling like you're going crazy. Listen, I can relate. And if you feel like this, you are not alone. So many moms I work with, struggle of the chaos of co-parenting with difficult, contentious and even oblivious exes. Now imagine, what if you could feel peace, if you could make decisions and just move forward. If you had a decision-making tool that always kept you pointed in the right direction, no matter what the other co-parent was doing or thinking or saying, you could keep moving forward. Imagine if you felt confident and calm, no longer triggered by the other co-parent's behavior, but being able to manage it and move forward without any lingering anger or simmering resentment, imagine where you had all of the energy you needed to parent your kids and move forward with ease and grace. Sound amazing. Well, this is available to you and how? Through conscious co-parenting. This is what conscious co-parenting offers us. It's a simple framework that allows you to show up in the present moment and utilize what you have available to you in that moment and create peace and calm no matter the chaos that's going on around you. I swear it's available, and you can learn how to do it. If you wanna learn about conscious co-parenting and how it can profoundly impact your co-parenting dynamics, the relationships, and frankly, your life, then I invite you to my free 30-minute conscious co-parenting class. That's it. It's free, it's just 30 minutes long, and you can use some of the skills to start turning your chaos into calm today. Just go to www.mikkigardner.com/masterclass. Or use the link in the show notes. But let's get back to the word of the day that I wanted to talk about the F word. It's forgiveness. Okay, so before you turn this off, just hang with me for a minute. I know that forgiveness is a kind of a catchy word, and we think that, "Oh, you should just forgive and forget, right?" It just would be so easy, but listen, if you want more peace, more contentment and more confidence as a co-parent, you absolutely can have it, and those feelings are usually on the other side of forgiveness. Now, forgiveness is a really misunderstood concept, so I wanna sort of break it down, and then we're gonna talk about how it shows up in co-parenting. The standard definition of forgiveness is the decision to let go of the desire for revenge or ill will toward a person who is wrong do, but listen, forgiveness is way more than that, and that's such a contrite version because it misses the entire point. The entire point is that forgiveness is not about the other person, it's not about agreeing with condoning or pardoning someone else's bad behavior. Forgiveness is a choice that you make to set yourself free from the negativity, the blame, and the judgment that weighs you down. When you choose to forgive, a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders and you are free to move on with your life stronger, better and more resilient. It really is through forgiveness that that burn of anger and upset and hostility can cool down and make room for happiness again. And here's the thing, if all of these things weren't good enough, 'cause that all sounds pretty good to me, research is proving that forgiveness actually has profound health benefits, like reducing back pain, better heart health, and greater feelings of inner peace. Who doesn't want that? There's a great quote that I think really epitomizes forgiveness, and it's from Nelson Mandela. It goes as this, "As I walked out of the door towards the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew that if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison." That is what holding on to forgiveness does. It keeps us imprisoned, imprisoned in the past, imprisoned by what other people have or haven't done, and it keeps you trapped. I want you to ask yourself an honest question here. I want you to ask yourself, Am I holding on to anything about my co-parenting partner that is holding me back. And if I am, who would I be if I didn't have to hold that heavy weight? The thing is that forgiveness is really for you and not the other person, and so it's about what you are willing to set yourself free from, so sometimes people can recognize that they're holding on to things and that they're not forgiving, and other times they'll come to me and say, "Do not even try Mikki to get me to forgive my ex." I've had those clients too. I get it. There are things, betrayals, traumas that have happened that we can't even fathom forgiving someone for, but the thing is, is that we think about it in that way, when we don't understand what forgiveness is really about. You know a lot of people wondering, is there an act that is completely unforgivable? And I totally understand this feeling, but first of all, at the end of the day, what we have to understand is that you are forgiving for you, not for the person who hurt you. The truth is that not forgiving is cheating yourself because you are worthy of feeling all of the good feelings, having all the good benefits, and you deserve a life without resentment, but when we hold on to anger, we don't have this. The first rule of forgiveness is really that you can forgive absolutely anything. Right? And I think Nelson Mandela is an example of that. He ended up actually inviting his jailers who locked him up unjustly for 27 years over for dinner to break bread together. Right. If he can do that, we can forgive a lot of things, because forgiveness is about liberating you, it's not about the other person. So here's where I see it really showing up with some of my clients, it's not being able to move forward, right? Being so stuck in the past of the hurt of what was done, that you just end up repeating that over and over and over. That keeps you always stuck in attack mode in trying to justify. I always know that we're entering into forgiveness territory where forgiveness is gonna be necessary when someone says, I know, I know deep in my bones what this other person is thinking, what my other co-parent is gonna do next, right? They have already made the judgment, they have already decided exactly how things are gonna go, and there's no room for anything else. This we know is when we're holding on to past hurt because we're unwilling to see anything else, we're really keeping ourselves prisoned. I also see this with my clients who their ex maybe has remarried or is in a relationship, and they are so hurt holding on to the end of the marriage, what happened or didn't happen, that they cannot accept the new person in the kid's life, even when that person might be a really good well-meaning person. They might be somebody who could add value to your children's life, add love, be another support, but as long as we're holding on to not forgiving, we don't open up to that possibility. Another way I see this really showing up in co-parenting is keeping the score, that tallying system, where they have to do something this many times, and then I'll know, then maybe I'll understand they're a different person, but I can't forgive them until they've done this. It's like this tit for tat, where everything is one-to-one, they do this, then this means this, it's so linear, and that's just simply not how the world works, but when we're holding on to forgiveness, we can really get into that, keeping the score. And I guarantee when you're focused on keeping the score, you're never gonna be happy with it. The other way that I see it show up with my clients in co-parenting is when you really don't wanna feel the "punishment" anymore. Maybe someone has treated you really unjustly and instead of forgiving, instead of moving on, instead of sort of processing through that, you just try to keep the peace even at your own expense, maybe you just allow certain behaviors 'cause it's easier, you turn a blind eye, but each time you do it, you keep a running tally in your head. That tally that you keep running, the adding to it, adds and builds resentment. Resentment is an emotion that we feel when we think that there is something or someone standing in between you and what you want, but here's the deal, most of the time what's standing in between you and what you want is simply the added resentment. It's not the other person. It's your inability to forgive them and set yourself free to be stronger, to be more resilient and to move forward. Forgiveness works, but it's actually a process, it's a practice. It's not something we just decide one time and boom, it's done, it's actually something that we have to walk through over and over. It's a decision that you have to make. It's a choice that you make over and over and over. And at the end, I'm gonna offer you a forgiveness meditation to help you with this, but before we do that, I was really struck by some of Neale Donald Walsch's work. He's most famous for his Conversations with God book series. There's been over 15 million copies sold, but he also did a little lesser known children's book, and it's called The Little Soul and the Sun, and the message that Neale shares is really interesting. Basically, in short, it says that God, the Great Spirit, universe, whatever you believe, the higher power is in the world, sends you whatever you need, not what you want, but what you need at the right time. So what does that have to do with forgiveness? Well, if someone betrays you, although you deem them to be maybe the devil in disguise, what if they're actually there to teach you valuable lessons and provide you with the opportunity for self-discovery? What this book that Neale wrote says, is that as God says to the little soul in the book, I have sent you nothing but angels. That's not to say that you have to be best buddies and just BFF forever with your perpetrator. No, nobody would ask you to do that, but that's commonly the misconception about forgiveness, and that's what turns people off is that you have to somehow be BFFs with them. No, I wouldn't want that and I would never ask you to do that. Forgiveness isn't about getting back with your ex or dropping a charge if someone has committed a criminal offense against you. It's not a pardon, and it does not ever justify the horrible heinous acts that you may have suffered. No, we can leave that to the higher judge or the legal system or whoever, and this isn't a free pass for people to do bad things, and that we're just gonna sort of, "Okay, let's forgive them. And move on." No. If someone steals from you, report them, they robbed you, right? No one's asking to just turn a blind eye, but what we have to remember is that forgiveness is never about the other person. Forgiveness is truly a personal internal process of healing. It's all about you and your well-being and not anybody else's. You're doing it for you, not them. And it's through forgiving the process of letting go, that you liberate yourself from the poison of that resentment and that regret that holds you back, and then you can just let it go, let the universe take care of the other stuff. Neale advocates for this idea so much because he says, once you're literate in forgiveness, meaning you are... Get better and better at forgiveness, you get to a place where you actually have fewer and fewer things to forgive. There's a quote that he uses that the master never needs to forgive, for the master understands. Neale explained that there's a certain point, after you truly deeply go into forgiveness, that the act eventually becomes automatic and you're able to forgive easier and easier, and it's at that point that you simply understand other people's perspectives even when they're flawed, but you no longer get triggered by their bad decisions or their actions. Now this, my friends, is what we wanna get to, and this is why forgiveness is so crucial to co-parenting, because we wanna get to the point where you have a broader perspective, a larger vision, and you can simply understand that the perspective of the other co-parent, even when it's flawed, doesn't trigger you, that their bad decisions or actions, don't drag you down, that you can move forward the way that you want to. And this is profound. This is gonna give you the best superpower out there. And what is that super power? Well, it's being unfuckwithable. [chuckle] What does that mean? So it's an adjective that means that when you are truly at peace and in touch with yourself, and nothing anyone says or does bothers you, and there is no negativity or drama that can touch you. Now, come on. Who doesn't want that? I know, I want that. [chuckle] I love this idea of being unfuckwithable because that's really what we wanna get to, not because we're rigid or that we are untouchable or aloof or above, or better than. No, it simply means that you are at peace. You are content, you are aware, you are within yourself so much that the drama, the negative drama, and the bad behavior and words of other people just don't touch you, and you're able to move forward, and this is what the act of forgiveness really does for us. Okay, so you might be with me so far. Are you with me so far? And are you thinking, "Okay, I'll give it to you, Mikki, there might be a couple of things that I need to forgive. There might be a few things that I'm holding on to." Listen, I do this practice every day because I have them, so I know we all have these things. And there is a great book, I think I've referenced it before, but The 6 Phase Meditation Method by Vishen Lakhiani is really great. It's a whole meditation process, and if you're new to meditating, maybe you'd love this, maybe not. If you're an old hat at meditating, maybe try this, I've actually been doing it for a while now, just playing with my meditation practice, and I enjoy it, but there's a section of it, it's the forgiveness protocol, and that's what I wanted to offer you today, because I think on its own, it can be really powerful. So if you were to commit five to 10 minutes a day to forgiveness, just like I've asked you to spend a couple of minutes in the morning, and a couple of minutes at night in gratitude, I want you to think about adding a forgiveness protocol to your day because it can be really impactful over time. And ultimately what we want you to get to is unfuckwithability. I love the word, I won't keep saying it. So I'm gonna walk you through this meditation, I'm gonna shorten it so it's not too long, but you can draw it out as long as you want, you can use it as journal prompts, you decide, but here's how it goes. So step one, you identify the person or the act to forgive. You choose a person or an act that you'd like to forgive. If you're doing this for the first time, definitely start with something small. Forgiveness is like a muscle, so you need to strengthen it before delving into the real heavy stuff, and it might be easier to pick someone that you genuinely love, like your kid or somebody, a really good friend and forgive them maybe for an everyday annoyance because over time, once you get used to it, then you can add to the heavier things, but you're gonna create some space. Sit down, and you're gonna pick a comfortable, relaxing environment in your mind to allow the forgiveness process to happen. You can choose a real place like your garden or living room, or a place that you imagine maybe a tropical beach you really wanna visit. It can be whatever you want, but something that feels safe and calm for you, and you bring that person to mind, you see them standing in front of you in that environment and know that you're protected and nothing bad can happen to you in this mental stage. It's all happening in the safety of your mind. Now, you're gonna read the charge, this is step three. So, imagine inviting the person or a representation of the act into your safe space, and you are going to read a charge as though you are reading it in court, so for example, you might recite all of the things that they did to you, you brought me pain and suffering by blank, right? You keep it formal and professional, again, like you're in court and you're just reading out all the charges and you include everything. Don't leave anything out. Step four is that you feel the anger and pain. After stating the charge, take a moment to really feel the anger, the resentment, the sadness, whatever this person may have caused you. Allow yourself to express it, shout, scream, cry, curse, whatever you need to do to bring it all up. Don't worry, you're not gonna get lost in this pain, but let yourself feel it. Set a timer for two minutes if it feels safer, but really allow yourself to feel all of it. Take a deep breath and choose to let it all go. We're not gonna bury these things, it's to let them out and to heal them. Once you've done that, once you've felt the anger and the pain, you're gonna move to step five, which is identifying the lessons that you've learned. Rumi says that the wound is the place where the light enters. It means that there's value to be claimed from every seemingly negative experience, so what did you learn from this one. Identify those lessons that that hardship has made, how it has made you a better person, maybe what you have learned from it, what meaning that you have taken from it, because this stuff really reframes it and gives it worth and value, laying the foundation to move forward. The sixth step is to think about how the other person may have been hurt in the past, because always remember the phrase hurt people, hurt people. So how did this person suffer in the past, what happened to facilitate their bad behavior for you. You can let your ideas flow freely. People are very rarely inherently evil, and considering their story might help you put some pieces together and form more of a logical understanding than an emotional one. This part doesn't always come easy and it might help to transform that person into maybe their younger self. See them sitting there as a child, what might have screwed them up so badly that they thought that their behavior now towards you was okay. After you've done that and you've thought about how the other person might have been hurt, you're gonna go to step seven, to see the scene through their eyes. You need to imagine that you have a mind reading super power and you can really see the whole thing from their perspective. What might they've been thinking to explain why they did what they did? How did they feel about what they were doing? Did they even consider that it might cause pain and how did they see you at the time? Again, maybe seeing them as a child might make it a little bit easier because we're all humans and we're all connected and we're all flawed in some way, so trying to see it through their eyes, and step eight is to forgive and to love. Now, this might seem corny, but that's kind of the point here. So all of the research on forgiveness, and there has been a lot, has shown that it's hard to tell, but the best measure of if we have truly forgiven someone or not, is if we would give them a hug. So if you look at that person in your mind's eye in front of you while you're meditating on it and you've gone through all these steps, can you feel the idea of hugging them. Can you hug them without any more charge? If you can visualize yourself forgiving this person in that safe space with love and then hug them, you have stepped towards forgiveness, and that's all we're looking to do, and maybe you still feel a little bit charge and you just come back to this the next day. Sometimes we have to meditate on this over and over to be able to really step into forgiveness, and that's totally okay, the bigger the hurt, the more time it might take. This is all about healing yourself, not them, and so it's really about learning how to let go so that you can lighten your load. So, I hope that I have given you some ideas and some consideration for forgiveness today, because again, my friend, it is for you, not for anybody else, and so if you wanna feel those feelings of calm and contentment and compassion and confidence, they're often found on the other side of forgiveness. That's the show for today. Thank you so much for spending time with me. If you know someone who could benefit from this conversation, I would be so, so grateful if you would share it with them. Just take a screenshot and text it to them or share it on social, and if you do share it on Instagram, please tag me because I would love to connect with you there. I'll see you next week, and in the meantime, friend, take really, really good care of you. Thanks for listening to Co-parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]