Ep #94: The Danger of Toxic Gratitude

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother. And I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, we'll get ready and let's dive into today's episode. I get to talk to so many of you beautiful moms, and the one thing I keep hearing over and over is, listen, I do all the things, Mikki, I've tried all the things, but nothing's working. Nothing seems to change, nothing seems to stick. I hear you. If there's one thing that we all struggle with or often struggle with, it's change and really specifically making lasting change, figuring out how to do the things to create what we want, to reach the goal to be the person we wanna be. Do you ever wonder why, despite all your effort, you just can't seem to get the result that you want? Maybe you promise not to get so triggered by the other co-parent, or you swear you're not gonna react the next time they do the thing that they do every single time. Yet there you are reacting. Maybe you know that you need to take care of yourself. You know you need to shut the TV off and go to sleep, yet you just can't seem to do it. Maybe you set up the perfect weekend, all the things that are gonna make you happy while your kids are away with the other parent. But yet, when the day comes, you can't seem to get yourself to do 'em all. Or you do some, but then you inevitably just end up sitting around feeling awful. And maybe you think about this year with the kids going back to school, I'm gonna have it all together. I'm gonna be the best version of me, and it's gonna be super simple [laughter] And then we know the school year comes and then we're right back in the same pattern. Well, I don't want this for you anymore. I know you really wanna make change that lasts change that feels easy change that actually starts to make a difference in your life. And the good news is nothing's wrong with you. You just maybe aren't utilizing the energy and the abilities and the resources that you have in a way to facilitate and navigate lasting change. We often use willpower, right? To try to change our way, force our way. And that works. It works for a little bit of time, but willpower is short-term. What I'm talking about is lasting change. And if there is one thing that us co-parents have to be able to do really well is navigate change and know how to get long-term results. I mean, this is the key to co-parenting really well. That's why this August, I'm creating a deep dive class where we are gonna spend the month together actually doing the little things, giving you the habits and the tools and the mindset to make lasting change so that by the time Fall comes, maybe the new school year comes, maybe you're in a different transition right now, or just getting used to the separation or the divorce or a new change that you're navigating in your life. Whatever it is, we're gonna take August and you are going to pick one thing, and we are gonna work on getting you the consistency, the habits, and all of the resources you need to make sure that you can create the lasting change, the change that actually gets you the goal and the result that you want. I promise you, friend, this is gonna be such an amazing experience and I cannot wait to get into it with you in August. So use the link in the show notes or go over on Instagram too. I'm gonna have information there, but sign up so that you can join us in this deep dive. Because what we are going to be doing for co-parents is creating long-term lasting change so that you can do this in every area of your life. It's gonna be awesome, and I can't wait to see you there. But let's dive into today's episode. Last week we talked about the most generous interpretation, and if you haven't heard that episode, I'd love for you to go and listen to it because it's all about mindset. It's about really shifting our mindset into a way that helps us be the best co-parent, the best parent, the best human we can be. Mindset is everything. Today's episode is a continuation on this, but we're looking it through the lens of gratitude, and I wanna talk about this because there are so many of you beautiful mamas that I talk to on clarity calls and my clients who come to me. And you are so generous. You are focusing so hard on being grateful for what you do have to finding the kindest approach to figuring out how to do this in a loving way. And I see all of your efforts, but what I also see so many people doing, and I know I've done this in my own life, sometimes we can use this idea or this practice of gratitude against ourselves. And what do I mean by that? Oftentimes people will use either toxic positivity or toxic gratitude to avoid the emotion to kind of bypass or jump over the negative emotions because we just don't wanna feel them. So I'm just gonna be grateful, right? It's like you are maybe one week or one month post divorce and you're saying, no, I'm really, really, I'm grateful, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I'm no longer in that situation. Well, that can be true, but also we don't wanna use that gratitude to avoid the negative feelings that we maybe don't wanna feel. Sometimes we use gratitude as like a sledgehammer, right? To manipulate ourselves or other people. This can look a lot like, oh, it could always be worse. Oh, well at least he doesn't do that. Or, well, it's gotten me this far, right? All of this is kind of beating down the reality of what's going on. And this is where gratitude isn't helpful. And this is where what we're not talking about is like just wearing the gratitude t-shirt that we got off of Facebook, right? [laughter] We're not talking about surface level gratitude. What I wanna talk about today is really the deeper level of gratitude and what that looks like. Because too often, right, we again get into this using gratitude almost in a toxic way and against ourselves to avoid. It can get really toxic when we're focusing only on what's good. I had a client the other day, we were talking and she's like, no, I'm really grateful 'cause he is showing up in this way and he is doing this for my kid. But what she wasn't looking at was all of the things, the glaring issues that were going on, the ways that he actually was undermining their son's needs and their co-parenting relationship. She didn't want to address those things. And listen, I understand it. None of us want to, it's not fun to have to go in and have potential conflict or difficult conversations. And so oftentimes we'll use gratitude just focusing on what's good while avoiding the complete you know what show that's happening behind us. This refusal to look at what is actually going on, whether that's out of fear or avoidance, but it's really not acknowledging what's true. And this is so toxic because when we don't acknowledge it, we can't change it. And another client that I was talking to, and she's worried for the safety of her child because of her ex's addiction, but at each time that we would talk about what was going on, there was a very quick switch. Well, you know what? I should be grateful 'cause he used to be this way, or he used to be drinking all the time, or he used to be doing this all the time. So at least now it's this, right? But so again, I should just be grateful that it's not worse without of trying to avoid looking at what actually was going on. And so these are the little examples where I see so often that we can use gratitude against ourselves because ultimately when we're not allowing the negative feelings that are there, we're perpetuating the current reality that we're in. What do I mean? If we are unwilling to feel the negative feelings, then we will not be able to make change. We will not be able to do the things that we need to actually create a different result in our life because we're not willing to be with those negative feelings. And oftentimes it just feels easier to slap positivity or slap gratitude on it and not have to deal with that. It's like that saying, just trying to put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig even with the lipstick. So there is a gentleman, Dr. Robert Edmonds, and he really is the authority on gratitude. And again, this isn't just the gratitude that we think of when we're talking about just wearing a t-shirt that says grateful. No, we're talking about gratitude in really what it means. And sitting in gratitude is not about denying the horrible things that may happen. It's about gaining balance and focus on the good things that emerge from the less desirable experiences we have. It's about connecting to a deeper part of yourself where you inherently understand, right, that all things are connected. And in that connection that all living creatures are connected, we can start to appreciate the small things to be grateful for because you start to see a larger picture. Gratitude is really more of a spiritual process of understanding your place in the world, because when we understand that we are all connected, we have a more generous outlook, we are able to find gratitude in the small things so that we don't stay only focused on the big things. Gratitude is a mindset, right? That sees this larger vision so that we can appreciate the small moments. And it's not always just the focusing on, it's not always just focusing on the big things right, or the obvious things, but it's being willing to search and to find gratitude for the small things. And what an example would be is maybe things aren't changing as much as you want. Maybe you are in a very difficult situation with the other co-parent, but maybe you can start to look at and find gratitude for where you are being really strong, where you are showing up, where you're feeling the negative feelings, where you're focusing and shifting your mindset into more of a growth mindset and becoming part of the solution and not as much part of the problem. When we refuse to allow ourselves to just go into toxic gratitude, where we're again trying to just avoid the emotions by jumping over them, or we're trying to sledgehammer and manipulate things with happy thoughts and being grateful for things, when we can start to use gratitude in a deeper way to find gratitude for the small areas that we are shifting and really step into and appreciate those, this is where gratitude can be really powerful. And it does start by being grateful on a daily basis. It does start by building a daily gratitude practice like in the morning, writing down three things you're grateful for, doing the same thing in the evening, taking moments for meditation or mindfulness of just being grateful for what's going on around you. That does build the muscle that you need to be aware and to train your brain to look for gratitude. But one of the biggest things is the awareness. The more aware we become of what's actually going on versus the stories that our head is giving us, we naturally shift towards a more grateful attitude. Because awareness teaches us more of a truth, more of a shift in thoughts and feelings where we become more at peace, more at one with what reality, with what's going on around us instead of being lost in thought. Again, sort of just going and reacting to life. We talk a lot on this podcast about reacting versus responding, and one of the ways to really train your brain to become more grateful is to really focus on awareness, to be focused on how you're feeling and what you're thinking and what you're experiencing. Gratitude also requires an aspect of accepting. And this is radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is really seeing right, that things that maybe you didn't want have happened, right? It's been difficult and they've happened. So ultimately, while we cannot control those things, we can learn to deal with them, but we have to accept that it did happen first, and gratitude requires that. So if we're not accepting what happened and we're trying to avoid or push it away, we're also pushing away gratitude, which is a beautiful feeling. And just like we talked about last week, really shifting mindset is a gradual process. It's not a one and done thing. That's why just sort of writing down every grateful thing that you have every morning doesn't shift everything all at once. It does help shift, and I do recommend doing it, but also it's really about being aware. It's really about being aware and practicing. Where can I have a more grateful mindset? Where can I have a more generous mindset? How can I find gratitude even in the situations that are difficult, when we're feeling the negative feelings? Can we feel those feelings and allow them to be there and still find gratitude? Meaning, can we start to look at what have I learned? Where have I grown? What have I strengthened that I wouldn't have without this experience that is deepening into a gratitude practice that long-term really benefits you and will shift your perspective. So I just wanted to talk about this today again, because I see so many beautiful moms, right? With big, gigantic loving hearts, using gratitude as a way to avoid, or a way to sledgehammer and manipulate themselves and that isn't serving them or anyone else. It actually can make you in the long run feel worse, because when it's, oh, well, it could be better, or at least it's not that bad, it's not really directing you in the way that you wanna go. So instead, we wanna choose to be grateful, not at the expense of reality, but actually accepting reality and still choosing to find what you're grateful for, how you've learned, how you've grown, how strong you are to have been through this and coming out the other side, how you can make mistakes and still move forward. Those are things to be grateful for. And looking at gratitude through that lens, again, sort of having more of a spiritual, more of a grateful heart is starting to build that one thought at a time. And so I just wanted to talk about this today because I see it so often, and it's something that you can train your brain to start to look for more of an attitude of gratitude long-term when you start to build that muscle. I hope this was helpful. As always, I love hearing from you, so please comment, feel free to connect with me over on Instagram. I'd love to chat with you there, and I hope that I will see you in the August group because I know that this is gonna be a game changer for people who are ready to make lasting change for that person and that mom who's like, I am done with this, and this next year is gonna be different. Well, let's start getting you the tools and the skills that you need now so that you can have a generous, grateful heart that moves you into the life that you truly want. I will see you next week, and in the meantime, take really, really good care of you, friend. Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or your qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.