Ep #14: The Art of Allowing

I’m Mikki Gardner, and this is the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast, episode number 14, The Art of Allowing, how you can allow yourself to be okay, even when the world isn’t. Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name’s Mikki Gardner. I’m a Certified Life and Conscious Parenting Coach, with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I’m here to help you do the same. If you’re ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let’s dive into today’s episode. Welcome, friend. Today’s episode is a little bit of a continuation on last week’s, on episode 13. So, if you haven’t listened to that, you may want to go back and listen. Really, here in the month of January, I’m laying out the four pillars of the work that I do with myself, on my clients, and that really helps us co-parent, parent, and actually just live with more confidence. Last week, we talked all about the first pillar, which is “awareness”—really starting to understand and become aware of how we’re thinking and how we’re feeling. The second pillar that I wanted to talk about today is really about “allowing”—learning to accept and allow what is true versus that story that we’re telling ourselves. Why do we want to do this? So that we can be the calm, cool, collected mom and woman and co-parent that we truly are. Oftentimes, we spend so much of our energy and effort trying to change the way that we feel or trying to change other people so that we feel better. Trying to feel differently about a situation to avoid how we’re feeling now. Or we dwell in the overwhelm of our feelings, but really just keep getting more of it. I mean, here’s the thing: life is chaotic. Life is difficult at times. Life can be very hard. And what we want to be able to do is allow ourselves to move through it, to flow through it, with ease and confidence. So, I really want to start with an analogy, because those always help me—a visual to understand what I’m working towards. An analogy about allowing that I really love is the oak tree. If you think about this big, beautiful oak tree—I mean, so many things can happen. They live for so long. Giant storms can come through. Animals running up and down it. Other trees growing next to it. But those big, giant oak trees are so strong that they have these deep, deep grounded roots that hold it steady so that no matter what storm brews around it, it doesn’t falter. It stays up. It might lose a few leaves here and there, but it is going to stand firm and weather the storm. It’s going to be that place of shade and safety for people underneath it. These oak trees don’t do this out of resistance, but they do it from their inner strength—their deep grounded roots that hold them steady. And so, I really love this analogy because this is what we’re working towards. The work I do for myself, the work I do with my clients, and what I want for you isn’t to change the storm that’s happening outside of you, but instead to create such a deep groundedness that you can stay balanced and stay strong and stay upright and stay whole and complete, even in an unbalanced world. So, we’re going to talk a lot about allowing today. And of course, I always like to ask the Googles, and the Google says this: the definition of allowing. It’s a verb. And it says it’s “to give someone permission to do something.” The second definition is “to give the necessary time and opportunity for,” and this is the definition that I want to focus in on. Because for us to be that grounded oak tree, it’s about learning to stay grounded, to turn inward for our strength and let go of trying to change the outside world. It’s about giving ourselves the necessary time and opportunity and space to be able to ground ourselves. I mean, the real fact of life is that pain’s inevitable. That’s just part of the human experience. Suffering, however, is optional. Suffering is really what happens when we resist, when we fight, when we avoid, when we ignore, or when we become completely attached to anything. The pain of life happens, but it’s when we grasp it, when we are attached to it, or we’re trying desperately to get away from it that we feel suffering. And this is what the art of allowing can help us alleviate, because so many of us are really suffering. We’re suffering in the thoughts that we’re having. We’re suffering in the feelings that we just can’t seem to get out of. And we feel helpless there. But we are not helpless. And when we understand—when we become more aware—of the thoughts and the feelings that we have of those beliefs and those patterns that are holding us back, and when we can truly start to learn how to accept and allow what is true, what is real, that is when we can tap into our power. I see this come up so often because when we’re focused so much on what’s missing, we’re actually just missing out on what is true. Where do I see this show up? I know in my own life, and for many, many of my clients, when their kids are with the other parent, they are so distracted by all the things that they’re missing—the time that they’re missing with their kids, all of the control that they don’t have, just missing all of it. And it’s natural to feel that way. It’s natural to miss your kids. We totally understand that. But when we become so focused on what’s missing, we really are missing out on what is available. We miss the time that we have to ourselves to do something for ourselves that fills us up. Or spend time with friends. Or whatever it is. Often, I’ll have a client come to me and say, “I just couldn’t get out of bed when they were gone.” And missing—“I want to do things for myself, but I’m just so sad when they’re not with me.” And I understand that. But this is part of the allowing. Allowing that your children are with the other parent, that that is the true fact, and being willing to not place judgment on it, but allow it to be there and still move forward. This shows up, too, when we’re so focused on what’s missing and we’ve spent all that time dwelling on it when the kids are away. Well, then they come back, and we’re overwhelmed. And maybe we don’t show up for them the way that we want to, or we’re not present with them the way that we want to be. It’s like both situations, we’re just so resistant of what’s going on, or ignoring or trying to change the circumstance, that we’re missing out on what’s in front of us and those opportunities. I also see this happen a lot when we’re so busy fighting with an ex or fighting against the ex. I had a client the other day that said, “I know if I even open my mouth, a fight will ensue. And so why should I even say anything?” Or, in that case, she ends up not saying anything for a while, and then just blowing up. But here’s the issue: the pain and discomfort of conflict is kind of inevitable in relationships, but when we avoid and we avoid and we avoid it, it just builds up and then comes anyway, but with much more force. So, when we’re able to learn to allow for there to be conflict, allow the other person to have their feelings or their thoughts without trying to change them, we have sort of a “looser grip,” as I like to refer to it, on the situation. And when we have that looser grip, we can come from curiosity. We can come from listening—listening to understand. We can be part of the solution instead of continuing to be part of the problem. So, for us to be the version of who we want to be, we have to first be aware of how we’re thinking and feeling, and therefore, how we’re showing up. And then we have to be willing to learn to allow—to accept kind of what is true, what are the facts of things. And allow them to be there without the need to control them. This applies to other people, and this applies to ourselves. We have to allow other people to be who they are. The fact of the matter is, is that we can’t control other people. Period. I mean, I know I’ve said this before on this podcast. If I can figure out a way to tell you how to get people to do exactly what you want all the time, I would happily tell you. But it just simply doesn’t work that way. We don’t have control over other people. They have free will, just like we do. So, really what it’s about is allowing people to be who they are in what they can do and allowing yourself to take the control that you do have. Allowing yourself to be present to the facts of what is true and then working from that place. When you take control of what you do have, which is you and how you show up in a situation, that’s the most control you’re ever going to get. And a lot of people misinterpret this idea of “allowing,” as if I’m saying that you should just be a doormat or that you should just allow people to do whatever they want to you. That is not at all what I’m saying. What I’m saying is it’s really giving the time and the space and the opportunity for yourself to choose how you consciously and intentionally want to move forward. Learning to accept and allow what is true actually provides you strength because that’s when you’re grounding into those deep roots so that you can stand tall, regardless of what is happening around you. So often, this shows up for us when there’s something going on in our life that we really aren’t happy about. Or someone is not complying with the way that we want. Or our child is not meeting the expectation that we have. Or any of those times when we just wish that we could change them so that we could feel better. And this is a totally normal thing. We all do this. The real issue isn’t that these things are happening, or the person isn’t complying, or that there’s conflict, or that what we want didn’t happen or didn’t come to fruition. That’s part of life, these ups and downs, and we actually don’t have much control over that. What we want to be able to do is get into a state where we’re aware of our thoughts and feelings, where we can allow them to be where they are without trying to change them all the time, without attaching to them. And what do I mean by “attaching”? It’s like that death grip feeling that you can get, like you have to fix it now. You have to change it. It can’t keep being this way. Have you ever had one of those moments in your life where you just have to get to something different? You just need that person to understand you. You just need them to apologize so that you can move forward. Whatever that is for you that has that grip—I mean, I’m right now with my hand just kind of gripping tightly. That’s resistance. That is not allowing life to be what it is. That’s us desperately gripping and trying to change it. When we put all of our focus and control on trying to change something outside of ourself—another person, a situation, any of those things—all of our energy is going to a place that we actually lose control because we don’t have control over it to begin with. And this might sound depressing, I suppose, on some level—as if we just have no control and have to go about it. That is far from the case. Here’s the thing: when we are allowing life to be as it is and we’re moving with it, we’re accepting what is true (and then we’re going to go through the other steps later in other episodes)… But when we have this allowing and we can see things clearly for what is true versus the stories and the judgments and the resistance that we have, well, that’s when we can show up in our truest, most powerful state. And it is from this place that we have the greatest influence in the world. We may not have control, but we are influencing ourselves and other people every second of every day. And that’s why this is so important to learn this detachment, this ability to flow with and allow for things to happen. And the only way that we can do that is when it is separate from us, when we are not attached to it, when we don’t have that death grip on it, needing it to change immediately. It’s about creating the time and the space to allow our thoughts and our feelings and, frankly, other people and situations to be there without us being dragged down by them. So, there’s really only one way that I’ve found effective and that I know of to be able to learn how to start this process of allowing. And it all starts with our thinking and being able to separate from our thoughts. What does that look like? It’s called meditation. It’s prayer. It’s sitting in silence. It’s whatever you want to call that practice of separating from your thoughts. So, I’m going to talk about it using the term “meditation” because that’s what I do. That’s what I’ve found most beneficial in my life. And we’re actually going to do a meditation together at the end of this episode. So, if you want to stay on for that five minutes, I welcome you to do that with me. But I’m going to give you the sell on meditation right now. I’ve meditated for years. I’ve been trained in Vedic and also TM. I’ve done guided meditations. I’ve been on retreats. I’ve definitely spent a lot, a lot, a lot of time and energy learning meditation. It has only been in the last… little over 400 days now that I have been meditating every single day that I have started to really understand the impact that meditation has over time. There is so much science out there, and I’m not going to get into all of that, but there is so much science behind meditation and how it actually extends your life span. It is the single most impactful thing you can do to live a longer, healthier life because what it does is it actually decreases the cortisol that’s going in your system and increases oxytocin, which is the happy hormone. It actually reduces the cortisol and the inflammation in your system. And then when you’re able to sit in the silence and connect with source, it floods your body with oxytocin. So, hormonally, there’s a lot happening when you’re in meditation. But what I’m going to talk about are the benefits and the ways that we can use this as a way to benefit our life by learning how to separate from our thoughts. So, I like to think of thoughts as like a bowl of water. If we were goldfish and somebody tapped on the bowl and said, “Hey, how’s the water today?,” you, being the goldfish, would look at them and be like, “What are you talking about? What water are you talking about?” That is essentially what’s going on in our head. We are swimming in thoughts. We have over 85,000 thoughts a day. I mean, you couldn’t possibly even register all of them, and you’re not meant to. But there are so many thoughts, and they’re happening all the time, and we’re swimming around in them all the time that we believe them. Every thought that comes in our head, it’s like, “Okay, well, there’s a truth. There’s a truth. There’s a truth.” But we’re not even aware of all of those that are happening. So, what meditation allows us to do is actually step back—step behind the thoughts—and to see them go by. Now, here’s the beautiful thing about it: when we step back, we are actually becoming aware of who we truly are. And who each one of us truly is, we are all boiled down to one source in this universe, whether you want to call it “source,” whether you want to call it “God”… Whatever you want to call it. When we step back from our thoughts, we are stepping into our consciousness. We are stepping into that source. It is from that place that we are witnessing our thoughts happen. When we realize that our thoughts are happening outside of us, that we learn to see them, it’s almost like you’re sitting on the side of the road and watching a highway. You’re watching the cars go by. Sometimes they’re going so, so, so fast. And sometimes it’s very slow. It’s like a covered wagon going West. It doesn’t matter. You’re just learning to sit back and watch the traffic of your thoughts. Here’s the beauty of it: when you’re able to over time, and you build this muscle of being able to separate from your thoughts, to step back and to witness them go by, this is where you can learn to allow. You can watch the thoughts go by without attaching to them. Does that make sense? And so, really, what we’re doing is two things: one, intentionally connecting to our source into love and the energy of the world, and two, we are stepping and grounding into that place and then watching our thoughts go by. When we create that separation between us and our thoughts, this is where our power lies. Why? Because even sitting for five or 10 minutes every morning sets you up for your day to be able to create the space. Remember: allowing is creating the time and the opportunity. And so, when we create that space for ourselves to separate and detach from our thoughts, we’re then able, through the day, to be able to do that in little moments over and over. This is when we can choose to respond to the world that’s happening outside of us versus react. I know we’ve talked about this before, but it’s like we get into pinball mode. And that’s where we’re attached. That’s where we’re in resistance and we’re just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. We can’t see the separation between us and our thoughts. Us and the other person. Us and the other person’s feelings. So, we’re looking to create that distance, create that separation from our true being—who we truly are—and what we’re thinking and the outside world. And it is within that space—that time and opportunity in space that we give ourselves—where we can be and we can choose to show up in the calm, cool, collected manner that we truly want to be. So, you can see why meditation is really the key to being able to learn to allow, because it helps us detach. Detach from the judgment. Detach from the resistance. Detach from the drama. Detach from the past. All of those things. And so many times, people think that they’re doing it wrong—that we’re supposed to somehow sit down and sit in silence and not have a thought happen. I don’t know about you, but that never happens for me. Our brain is going all the time. That’s how it’s wired. That’s how it’s made. It’s supposed to race. It’s normal. What we want to do through meditation is just learn to watch it. To recenter ourselves. Get ourselves back to source. Back to breath. To detach from that judgment. Detach from the resistance. And stop trying to control what we can’t control. So, I want to offer all this to you as awareness. If you haven’t meditated or even if you have and you’re like, “It’s not for me,” I would ask you just to give yourself 30 days. Give yourself 30 days to really commit and try it. Just five minutes in the morning. And see if there’s a shift for you. I’ll tell you, the thing that I’ve noticed most in my over a year now of meditation every day is that separation has gotten stronger and quicker. It’s shown up in my life in so many ways where I have a buffer. I have space to choose that I didn’t used to have. And don’t get me wrong, I make mistakes every day. I just yelled at my kid like an hour ago. We’re doing the homeschooling thing and it was… I got attached. I got attached to the outcome and I wanted him to just do what I needed him to do so that I could get back here to talk to you. And I got frustrated. And I didn’t use the space. But then as soon as I figured it out, I was able to step back in, make amends, figure out what needed to happen. We all make mistakes. We’re human. That’s what we’re supposed to do. But it’s what we do after that that matters. And this meditation, when we do it every day, we’re really learning to separate. We’re connecting to source, reminding ourselves who we truly are. Connecting to that power that all of us share. We’re building that muscle of being able to sit, to witness, to practice the separation. We’re building the trust in ourselves that that is the deep roots that we want to have so that we can be that calm, tall, strong, unmoving oak tree. So, before we get into the meditation that I do want to offer you today, I just want to make a couple notes about meditation and common misperceptions. Often, we think we’re doing it wrong, but right there is wrong. There’s no wrong way to do it. But when we think there is a right way, we’re attaching judgment to it. And really, equanimity is a place where things are where they are. It’s that place of nonresistance, of no judgment. It’s really just a practice of unwinding shame. That’s what meditation is. It’s a space where you’re inviting all the parts of you, and you’re noticing all of them, and they’re welcome there without judgment. Real mindfulness is a state of nonjudgment. It’s of having no agenda. No attachment. And being in a complete state of allowing, of acceptance. And meditation offers us the ability to practice this. It helps us practice nonjudgment. It helps us practice separating from an agenda. It helps us learn to not have control over the thoughts or the narrative and just allow them to be there without making it mean anything. It’s just a practice of being—being where we are. And when you sit down for meditation, your mind will be busy. It’s supposed to be busy. That’s what it does. It might think over and over and you might get caught in thought over and over and over again, and maybe you have 40 seconds where you’re totally distracted by thought. Awesome. You just noticed it. You noticed that you were lost in thought. So, there you’re creating the ability to step back, to be aware of that, and bring yourself back to the breath. That’s successful meditation. And “successful,” I use that in air quotes. We’re just really wanting to learn to notice the thoughts that we have, and the more we notice, that’s great. And over time, we’ll start to notice thoughts that we have a lot of. Maybe we have a lot of thoughts about the past, maybe about your mother. Maybe it’s about body image. Whatever it is—and it might be a lot of negative thoughts—but we’re just noticing it. We’re not trying to change it. But when we notice it, we can then accept it. We can allow it to be there without judgment, and it is from that place that we can let them go. It’s a way to connect to your higher self, to your intuition, to tap into that place. And when we can do that every day, more and more, that’s when we learn how to go inward—to connect with ourself, with our source. When we learn to listen and hear it. We learn to trust. And then we start living from that place. That’s what I want for you. That’s what I want for me. And that’s what this art of allowing and learning how to do can offer you. So, now I want you to, if you can, just spend five minutes. It’s only five minutes with me. We’re going to meditate together. There’s something so beautiful about meditating together. And so, you can sort of mark the time in this podcast if you want to come back to this meditation, but we’re just going to spend five minutes to really get centered and offer ourselves some intention for the remainder of your day. Thank you for gifting yourself these few minutes. It’s important to remember that you are a priority, and allowing yourself even just a few moments of short, intentional reflection can really have a positive impact on the rest of your day. So, let’s use these next few minutes to come back to center and to set an intention for the remainder of your day. So, move into a comfortable position wherever you are, if you’re seated at your desk at work or lying on the couch. Just gently close your eyes wherever you are and shift all of your attention onto your breathing. We’re going to take slow, deep breaths. These are going to be the slowest, deepest breaths you’ve taken all day. We’re going to take a deep breath in through your nose, and slowly letting it go. Exhaling through your mouth. We’re just going to continue to breathe in that way, feeling our lungs expand as you inhale and contract back as you exhale. Just tune into your body and notice how it feels to breathe. Noticing if there’s anything that your body is trying to tell you. Notice any place of tension or tightness that you feel in your body. And give those areas permission to just relax, sending love into each of those areas of your body. And I want you to thank your body for taking such good care of you. And let it know that it’s okay to rest and relax for these next few minutes. Whatever might be on your mind, whatever pressing issue you might have in this moment, I invite you just to set it down. Set it down next to you wherever you are. It will be there when we’re done. You can always pick it back up. But just allowing yourself these few minutes without it. You might notice that your mind starts to wander off, and that’s okay. It’s natural. Just notice it and bring your attention back to your body, using your breath as your anchor. It might help for you just to even put your hand on your belly and to feel your breathing going in and out as your belly rises and falls. Just to help keep you grounded in your breath. Now, I want you to try to picture one thing that’s happened today that’s made you smile or thankful or appreciative. One thing you’re grateful for. And just let that feeling fill you up for a moment. Breathe in that feeling, in from the top of your head all the way down to the tips of your toes. And allow yourself to smile if that feels natural to you. Now, I want you to focus on something that you can do today, whether it’s for yourself or for someone else, that will allow you to continue to feel this way. It could be something small like deciding to go to bed early so that you have time to finally read that book you’ve been wanting to read. Or the joy of getting dinner with a close friend. What’s one little thing that you can plan for your day that will bring intentional joy to it? Now, just focus on that for a   few minutes. Sit in that feeling of joy and peace that it will bring. And if your mind wanders and you find yourself lost in thought, just bring yourself right back to your breath. Just letting those thoughts go. If you find your thoughts are coming very quickly and you’re struggling to release them, I want you to envision just a soft feather that you have in your hand. And as soon as you notice the thought, just tap it with the feather and let it keep going. And to sink back into that feeling of joy and of peace, of relaxation and silence. Focusing on your breath and the energy in and out of your body. I’m going to take a few more breaths in and out. Big breaths in as you inhale, and letting everything out as you exhale. We’re going to do an even deeper breath, breathing in. Holding that breath for a moment. And then exhaling everything out. The last time. This is going to be your deepest breath, sending that breath through your entire body. And then exhale it out all the way out on your own time. And then slowly bringing your awareness back to where you are, noticing any sounds, any smells. Allowing yourself to become present to the space around you. And I want you to thank yourself for taking these few minutes. Thank yourself for being intentional and kind to yourself. And when you’re ready, you can gently open your eyes and enjoy the rest of your day. Sometimes, it’s just about taking those few moments throughout the day. Just to spend time connecting back to becoming present, to becoming mindful, so that we can detach from all the judgments, all the expectations, all the noise, and sink back into our truth, into our groundedness, into our roots, and ground down into the moment. So, that’s the show for today. My hope is that through this episode, I’ve offered you a new perspective, and maybe some tangible ways to start to create a more intentional life, starting with the awareness and allowing things to be as they are. I know that sometimes the life that you’re living isn’t exactly the way that you want it, and maybe you feel like it just isn’t going to change and that you’re never going to feel the way that you want to. But I want to promise you—I am promising you—that you are 100% capable of creating the life that you’re dreaming of. You are 100% capable of feeling good and strong and confident. And I am here to help you on that journey. If you want help creating a life of intention and balance, the life that you’re really wanting to live, then I’m offering a free workshop. I want you to join me Friday, January 21^st, and we are going to help you align your life for a better year ahead of you. Again, it’s all about awareness—allowing, accepting, and then recognizing the agency that we have, and then moving forward in an aligned way. We’re not looking for perfection. We’re looking for alignment. We’re looking to be balanced, even when the world isn’t. It’s like the world can be chaotic around us, but we are that oak tree. So, if you’re ready to dig your roots into this ground, I want you to join me January 21^st for this free workshop. Just go to www.MikkiGardner.com/Workshop to save your spot. Everything will be in the show notes. You’ll have that link. So please just jump over there, save your spot, and I will see you on Friday the 21^st. And one last thing: if you’ve received value from this podcast, I would be so grateful if you would rate and review it. Those reviews help me more than you know, and most importantly, they help other women find this podcast. Please share the love with them if you’re enjoying it. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. I’m so grateful that you’re here. I’m going to see you next week, but in the meantime, take good care of you. See you later, my friend. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit CoParentingwithConfidence.com. I’ll see you next week.