Ep #147: Summer Break Replay: Navigating Different Parenting Styles

Welcome back to the podcast and happy summertime. I am taking a little summer break from podcasting. Just a short one. And in place of a new episode, I am replaying some of the most downloaded episodes and your favorites.

So while I'm off having a little bit of time and vacation, and I hope you're enjoying some time and vacation, I hope that these conversations are helpful and bring you insight and create some fun while you're out at the boat or on a walk or at the park or just enjoying some sunshine.

And also, I wanted to let you know, so many of us take this summer because we just want to relax. We just want to spend time. We just want to take a break from everything going on. And then fall comes, then the holidays come, and then we're right back in it wondering what the heck has happened. If you want to make sure that this year, this fall, this holiday season, going into next year, maybe you're just starting a transition into separation or divorce. Maybe you're just thinking about how you're going to get your kids back to school and navigating sort of all the relationship challenges that we have going on, whatever it is, if you want to feel empowered, if you want to feel fulfilled and you want to feel connected to your life, you don't want to feel as a burden or overwhelmed or like you have to do everything yourself. I want to invite you to get on a call with me, because there are very tangible ways that in just a couple of months, you and I can work together and have you feeling like you have more energy and more capacity to handle everything that's happening. Even when you're doing a lot of the parenting on your own. You can wake up every morning feeling rested and ready for the day, not waking up and avoiding life. You can learn to really communicate your needs and set healthy boundaries so that you can stop being frustrated with the ones that you love the most, or stop being so frustrated with the ones you used to love. And I want you feeling 100% capable of handling whatever life throws your way so you don't have to worry about everybody else changing or waiting for things to slow down or waiting for this to happen. You can handle it right now, today. And I really want you feeling like you have the time to take care of yourself and your kiddos and your family without feeling like it's one or the other. These things are completely possible. I promise you. So I want you to use the link in the show notes and jump on a breakthrough call with me. You and I will figure out a plan and a roadmap to get you on your way. I promise.

So if you want to make sure that your fall is set up for success, go ahead and schedule a call today, and we will get you on the right path. In the meantime, have an amazing summer week, enjoy the replay, and I'll see you next week.

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Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner, I'm a Certified Life and Conscious Parenting Coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother. And I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

Does it feel like you and your co-parenting partner have completely different styles, and those styles are in complete opposition with one another, and so it feels like you're in a deadlock, like you can't possibly move forward, that you're constantly fighting against one another? Well, stay tuned because this episode is all about learning how to navigate different co-parenting styles. Before we dive into today's episode, though, I just wanted to say thank you. I'm really, truly so grateful that you're here and that you're listening to this podcast.

When I hear from you guys, you send me DMs or you send me emails asking for different topics. I love when you give me topic ideas too, 'cause I wanna know what's going on for you, but I know that so many of you listen to this show often and that you're getting inspiration and ideas from it, and that makes me so happy and it's really the reason that I keep doing this show. And I wanna ask a little favor of you. I definitely want you to hit subscribe so you don't miss any of the new upcoming episodes, because I've got some great interviews coming. But I also would be so appreciative if you would rate and review the show. That is not just for me, it's so that other moms and dads and co-parents find this show and the message and that we can create and spread more inspiration, more love, and more light in this world of co-parenting, because, don't we need that? So I would be so grateful if you would just take a few minutes, go to Apple Podcast and rate and review this show. But let's dive in because if there is one thing that I get a question about a lot, whether it's on clarity calls or when people reach out or when I'm being interviewed on other people's podcasts, it's how do you navigate different co-parenting styles.

How do you navigate life and parenting when the other person is doing something that seems like the polar opposite? I get it. I understand. And there's definitely ways that you can move through this, and that's what I wanted to talk about today. I actually just taught a class on this in another person's community and it got so much great feedback and I thought, "Okay, I really need to bring it here," because we need more ideas on how to navigate conflict, on how to navigate different parenting styles. Because not everyone is the same. But here's the spoiler alert that I always say is that just because you have different parenting styles with your ex, that could have been part of the reason that you're not together anymore. But it definitely isn't the reason. So many of us think, "Oh, it's the divorce causing these problems." No, you were likely gonna have these disagreements anyway, and probably it was there in the marriage, so of course it's present now, but you have to learn to navigate it in a different way as a co-parent. And that's what I wanna talk about today.

Again, we're not talking about controlling the other person, changing their views or changing their parenting style, what we're talking about today is navigating it. How can you still move forward in a way that feels good and true for you, even when the other person isn't on board? And so that's what we're gonna talk about. So before we get into the how and the what's going on, I wanna talk about mindset, because really, we have to always start with mindset because that's the perspective from which we see the world. Our mindset is the view that we take. And so what I wanna offer you today is an idea, sort of an image for you to keep in your mind's eye on how to navigate these different things, on how to navigate different situations. Co-parenting is a team sport, and you're on the same team with the person who feels like the opponent, the mortal enemy, but they're not. They're part of your co-parenting team, whether you like it or not, that is what's going on. So instead of feeling like we're on opposing teams, what we wanna do is build the mindset, change our perspective to understand we're on the same one and therefore we're standing on the same side of the field together. The kids, you guys, all the people that are involved are on one side of the field and we're looking out onto the game.

That helps me, and I know it helps so many of my clients, and I wanted to offer it to you because when we understand we're on the same side of the field and we're looking out at the situation or what's going on, we're not coming at it from opposing sides. It's like when you sit across a table from one another, it feels more adversarial. This is being on the same side of the table, the same side of the field, looking out at what's going on. So what does this do for us? Well, it helps us find commonality, first of all. If we're playing for the same team, there must be something in common. And I want you to find, even if this feels hard, one or two things that you and the other co-parent agree on. You might say to me, "Mikki, there's nothing we agree on. It's too different. There's too many things." But I bet that you both really love your kids deep down. I bet that that's true. And if that's true, that's a starting place. Another one for me that really sort of shifted things is understanding that everybody is doing the best they can at any given moment with what they have.

If I believe that this applies to me, it applies to everyone else too. And so maybe that's part of the commonality. Even when their best is really, really bad, it's still may be their best with what they have, what they know at any given moment. Now, listen, as we know better, we do better, as the great Maya Angelou said. But holding this perspective that we're all doing the best we can, doesn't change anything, but it does soften us. It allows us to have a more cooperative growth mindset. One that's looking for solution instead of problems. And that is huge here, because what we don't wanna do is look at these different parenting styles as right or wrong. Us versus them. It's either black or white, because this keeps us in that adversarial position. Really, when we're looking at co-parenting, even when there's conflict, we wanna come from the mindset of what do we have in common? What can we use to move forward? Because really, what you can do is control what you have control over, which is you. How you think, how you feel, and how you act. So really navigating these parenting styles isn't about making the other person right or wrong, but instead looking at how you can stay aligned with what's important to you, what matters to you, even when the other person isn't supporting that.

And when we have this more team approach, it helps us stay out of the trap of fighting for fighting's sake. So many people are just used to fighting. Maybe that's been the norm. Maybe you and the other co-parent have fought for a long time, bickered, or really had big fights. So part of it is breaking that pattern and being willing to look at it as a team approach. Now, the other thing about this team approach is that like any other sport, let's just use football, you would never go out onto the field to play a game completely unprepared. No rules of engagement, no playbook, no warm ups, no practices, no equipment, no helmet. No, you would do everything you can to prepare yourself to play the best that you can. You'd have all the proper equipment, you'd do all the training, you'd have your playbook, you'd run those plays you'd know, you would work with your team to be ready to take on the opponent. And so this is what I wanna sort of start to do and how to navigate these different parenting styles. It also starts with understanding sort of what's going on so that we're practicing and we're setting ourselves up for the best possible outcome when we're on the field. So the first thing is understanding what's at play.

Now, whenever there is a differing parenting style, and we have a very strong reaction to it, oftentimes what I hear is someone saying, "Well, they shouldn't be doing that. That isn't how you should parent. You should do it this way. If they would just do it this way, everything would be easier." So notice there were a lot of shoulds. And what a should is always telling us is that there's a lot of expectations. Now, expectations are the thing that trip us up the most, in parenting, in relationships, in all the areas of life. Because our expectations rarely, and by rarely, almost never get met. But every day we're setting expectations for ourselves and all the other people in our lives. Expectations are simply a picture that we create in our minds, either consciously or unconsciously, but most of the time it's unconsciously. But it's a picture of how things should be and exactly how they should look. And I know if you think about this. These pictures in our heads, they're so vivid, they're so detailed, we know exactly what the other person should or shouldn't be doing. And it's all fine to have these pictures in our head, until the other person who's outside of your control doesn't do what's in your head, then you get upset, angry, resentful, frustrated, reactive. Maybe you even yell and scream and have a tantrum, or you're just forever waiting for it or them to change.

But the real issue here isn't how the other person necessarily is or isn't acting, but the suffering is coming from the mismatch between the reality that's in front of you and the expectation in your head. Expectations are just what you believe should be happening. And we get really frustrated when it doesn't meet reality. And this is where we have to start when we start thinking about navigating different parenting styles, because oftentimes someone is doing it differently than how you would. And so therefore, maybe it's wrong or you don't agree with it, or it has to stop. Whenever you have one of these strong reactions, it's not because necessarily the other person is so wrong. What it is signaling is that there is something important for you to know. There is a need that you have that needs to be addressed. If we get really angry about the other person's parenting style, there's a message in that anger, and it's our job to figure out what is it? And that's where we have to start always with where we start, which is awareness. What is going on versus what do we think is going on. We have to parse out that expectation to understand what's really reality versus what's in our head.

And then when we're having this feeling of anger or resentment or bitterness, really looking at it to understand what is the message underneath it? Because the anger isn't there to hurt you, it's there to tell you something. And so this is where we have to start to build trust within ourselves to be able to handle whatever is going on. So often we like to focus on the other person or what they are or are not doing because it's easier than really showing up and doing the work for ourselves. And listen, I get it. None of us wanna have to do all of the inner work, but that's where the healing is. And we can't show up for our children or the other co-parents in a clean, healthy, cooperative way unless we're being honest with ourselves. So when you notice that you have a strong, strong reaction to the other person's parenting style or something that's going on, the first step is to stop and ask yourself, what is it about what they're doing that's driving you crazy? What are they doing that is driving you crazy? And what do you think when they do these things? What do you think when they behave that way?

And then when you see those thoughts that you've written down, you start to ask yourself, "Well, how do I feel when I think those thoughts about their behavior? And then when I feel that way, how do I act?" All of these things are just showing you, getting you cleaner and cleaner awareness around what's going on. The person is doing this, and this is how you're thinking and feeling, and therefore acting, that's valuable information, because then you can start to understand that underneath the anger are thoughts that you're having that may or may not be true, but until we have them down, we can't really know or address them. But part of building self-trust is just being willing to start this process of inquiry and then asking yourself, "If I'm having intense anger about the way the other person is doing something, what is underneath that? What do I want to be different? What is the need that isn't being met?" Because that need is what needs to be addressed. Building self-trust, which is all part of being able to navigate co-parenting in a really graceful, confident way, is being able to know yourself, to know what you need and what you want, and then to find ways to get it either for yourself or from someone else.

But meeting your own need and then being able to communicate your needs to someone else, this is where all of the work begins. But it starts with just understanding what are we expecting our world, our co-parent to be, to look like, to act like, and how are they showing up. And if there is a mismatch, understanding that that is where a lot of the feelings are coming from. And so we have to address our expectations. So I'm gonna get into how to realign your expectations here in a minute, because that's where we start to really allow some magic to happen, where you get to decide what's aligned for you and you move forward in that direction. But before we do, we also have to create rules of engagement. And what do I mean by this? Especially when there's different parenting styles. It's really important for you to create a sense of safety and clarity for yourself. Otherwise, it becomes all about what the other person is or isn't doing, again. It becomes focused solely on the other person, which by the way, you have no control over. Instead, what we wanna do is start to create rules of engagement for you so that you always have sort of a safety and a place to come from as you're navigating, as you're talking through, as you're speaking up as to things that do and don't work.

So how do we do that? Well, A, you know your why. The why is really your vision for how you wanna show up as the co-parent and the values that you're using to guide your life, your parenting and your co-parenting. This is where I start with all of my clients because we always have to have a foundation of what it is that you truly want and desire. Again, that knowing yourself, what do I really want? And then once we have that, once you know what you truly desire, it creates a general direction, it creates a lighthouse, a GPS, so to speak. You might not know the next turn that you have to take, but when you have these visions and these value, you always know the direction that you're headed. I always use the lighthouse analogy. It can get very, very dark, and stormy on the seas, but when you see the lighthouse, you know that you're always going in that direction. And so our visions and our values are important to understand, to give ourselves a framework to work with them. Another way to start to understand the rules of engagement for navigating different parenting styles is for you to have an okay and a not okay list.

So what is this? You literally write down all the things that are okay for you and all the things that are not okay. So things that you will not tolerate or things you will tolerate. Again, because we can't change the other person, but you absolutely have control over what you will or will not tolerate. Now, listen, I always say right here, abuse and pain and someone disrespecting and hurting you, not okay. Never okay. That's a hard no. That gets dealt with immediately. So a parenting style is never about abuse or corporal punishment, that is abuse and that is not okay. What we're talking about is navigating parenting styles, whereas someone might have different rules within the home, different ideas on what it means to support the kids. All of those kinds of things. We are not talking about verbal, emotional or physical abuse, which is always not okay, and please get help. But you can create an okay and a not okay list. Now, again, this doesn't change how the other person acts, but it absolutely means that you're allowed to not tolerate it in your presence. You are allowed to say, this is or isn't okay. I will not tolerate this. That's where boundaries come in.

Now, on your okay list, it is okay to allow the other person, the other co-parent, your children, or you, to be uncomfortable. If you speak up to say, "I don't agree with these rules," or "The kids have come to me and told me that X, Y, and Z are happening and I'm not okay with it," that's your right. You're allowed to do that, and you are allowed to let the other person not agree with you or be uncomfortable, but it doesn't mean that you are supposed to tolerate or condone or just go along with or stay silent about things that are not aligned for you. Listen, they're your children, and you get a say. You may not be able to change it. I'm not saying that you can change the other person, but speaking up or talking to the kids in a respectful way about what could be going on, that might be okay, and you get to decide if that's aligned for what you want. So I really encourage you to go through and figure out what are the expectations that I have of the other co-parent, or what is it that they're doing that's driving me so crazy, mad, upset, and really figure out what is it that I think about them when they behave this way. And how do I feel when I think those thoughts and what do I do when I feel that way? Because that starts to give you a clearer picture of what's going on internally for you.

We have to be willing to do this. To actually go through and ask ourselves, "Well, okay, if this is how they're acting, how should they be acting?" Again, let yourself go to that expectation. What should they be doing? And then if they were behaving that way, how would you feel? What would you think about them if they behave that way? These are all ways for you to understand the expectation in your head versus reality. Another great question as you're sort of going through these is to write down what it would be like for you if you expected them to act the way that they did that drives you so crazy. So often we feel surprised and sidelined by the way that they are doing something, but yet they've been doing that all along. So instead of being surprised by it, what if you expected them to be that way? And if you were able to expect the behavior and accept it, notice I didn't say agree with it, but you at least weren't surprised by it, who would you wanna be? If you were able to expect them to act the way they do and you accepted, you couldn't change it, how would you wanna be? Who would you wanna be? And be means how would you wanna think, how would you wanna feel, and how would you wanna act?

These are really important questions to ask because underneath the way that they are acting is always for you to figure out, "What is really important to me?" And sometimes we can see that the other person isn't showing up the way that we want for our children. Maybe they're not as connected. Maybe they're just letting the kids play on screens all the time. Maybe they're doing all these things that we don't necessarily agree with, but it's to understand why. Why don't we agree with it? What is it that's causing you the pain and frustration? Because in that, is a message. Maybe it's because you want your children to feel really connected, valued, seen. Maybe you don't want them on screens because you want them feeling more present or have being more creative. All of those things can point you towards what is really truly important to you, and then you align your parenting on your parenting time to fulfill that, not to be making up for or in reaction to what they're doing, but it's really guiding you towards what is important for you and aligning you in the direction that you wanna go. Because we have to be willing to identify the expectations and then evaluate them. What is the expectation that I have right now? Am I expecting reality, this person to give me something that they're not able to give me?

And if that's the case, can you see how when we expect them to do something that they're not able to do, we're setting them and us up for failure. And so we have to be willing to really realign our expectations to make the choice. We can either change the situation or we can change our expectation. Frankly, that really is what it comes down to sometimes. But you have to decide what is most important for you. Do you wanna keep that expectation or do you wanna accept reality as it is and start to shift how you're showing up for it? The most important thing about realigning your expectations is really learning how to be aware and attuned to what is actually going on. Again, that awareness is always key, and that starts with you being aware of what's going on for you, what needs you have that maybe need to be met, what desires you have that you wanna focus on. Again, those strong emotions, those strong reactions are usually telling you that something important to you needs to be addressed. And so we realign our expectations and we attune to you, first and foremost.

Then we attune to what is most important for the child or the children. They're the next step here. What's most important for them? And then we realign to the other co-parent, what they are or are not doing. But that is the hierarchy in how you make the decisions. It's awareness about what's going on for you, awareness to your child, and then awareness to the other co-parent. You're all on the same team, but we have to always be looking at where can you be putting your focus, your energy, and where can you have the most impact? And I always believe that that is first and foremost with you. And then you can influence your children and do that in a loving, positive, conscious way. And then we focus on the other co-parent. Instead of looking at these different parenting styles as a problem, start trying to reset your mindset and look at them as pointing you towards something that is misaligned. If you're being triggered or reactive to what's going on, that means there is something that needs to be addressed. There is a wound that needs to be healed, and that's where you start. And always remembering that it's all about progress, not perfection. We're not gonna change everybody. We're not gonna change everything in a day, but it's just how can you move forward with one step, one step at a time in the direction of where you wanna go?

Again, that vision and those values that you have, how can you take the next most loving step towards that? Sometimes that's learning how to let go of the different parenting style. Sometimes that's about accepting what we can't change, and sometimes that's moving forward in speaking up, in taking control and being more outspoken but when we're coming from a clear and team space. So that's what I have for you today. I hope that this was helpful.

Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.

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Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.

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