Ep #140: Steps to Take Before You Go or Change

Hi, and welcome back to the podcast. Today is a little bit different. I'm actually sharing just a snippet of a masterclass that I did. It's called The Before You Go masterclass. It was for anyone who is in that limbo state, trapped between deciding whether to stay or go in their marriage, how to navigate the divorce process, or how to change their co-parenting dynamic. So many of us get trapped in this indecision, in this limbo of this worry, and we stay there for far too long. Maybe it's a month, maybe it's a year, maybe it's more, there's a way out of that limbo, and that's what we talked about in the masterclass and what I wanted to share with you. Because now is the time to step forward into creating what you actually want, not waiting any longer because the limbo and the worry and the second guessing is costing you so much.

It costs you your time, your money, your energy, your attention, your sleep, your joy, your happiness, and that is too much. It's just too much. So what we did on this masterclass is really learn how to focus our energy so we can make decisions that are aligned with what we want. How we can feel more in more control so we're not just reacting to what other people do or say. And we start to feel more freedom when we eliminate the burden of worry by learning how to move forward in a positive direction, even when we don't know the path to get there. So I hope that this little snippet from the workshop helps you create a little bit more clarity and get you on a roadmap. And if you need a little bit more support, I wanna offer you the gift that I offered in the workshop, which is a relationship audit.

There's gonna be a link in the show notes, and the audit is a low cost, high support coaching experience for parents and co-parents who are ready to stop just reacting and talking about the problems and ready to take that loving action to create a plan that will work. So it is a very simple process. You get an audit from me where you get really clear on what's working, what isn't. Then you and I get on a call for 60 minutes and we actually prioritize what needs to be addressed right now, and we create a plan of action for you to create the positive change you want. And then to make sure you get those results, you have two weeks of coaching support, one-to-one from me, to keep you aligned, to keep you intentional with your actions and integrate the changes. This is so much value, and it's only $297 and it's only gonna be available for the next month or so. So if you are listening to this when it comes out in June, please go ahead and click on the link and get yours today while there's availability. So without further ado, let's take a little listen to the Before You Go masterclass.

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Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

When you are in this moment in time, when you're trying to decide what's the next step for my family, whether again that's divorce, whether that's co-parenting differently, and you're wanting to figure out how to do that. And we start by having a conversation around what the reality is. And the reality is, I see it, is divorce is all about taking sides, creating ownership, separate camps, putting fences up around what's theirs and mine. And in this kind of process, children become the collateral damage in adults issues. It becomes solely focused on what one person is allowed to do or not allowed to do, and it becomes very sort of constricted. And when we are constricted like that, we start to solely focus on like all the things we can't do or all the things the other person's doing wrong, and it becomes very narrow and constricting.

What we wanna talk about today is really opening up to the idea and the truth as I see it, which is you have a choice in how you navigate this process. You absolutely do. There is not only one way to divorce, just like there's not one way to parent. You get to decide what that looks like. And even if your partner or your ex isn't on board, it doesn't mean that you can't decide how you wanna show up, how you want to experience it. And that's what we're talking about today. Because the fact is that either you decide where you wanna go or the other person will. So we can either focus on what the other person is or isn't doing, what they are or are not saying, or how they're making you feel. But when we do that, we are not focused on what we have control over, what you have control over just like what I have control over is my mindset, my actions, my feelings, my overall experience.

And you have the same. It really is this idea that we have to learn that fighting and sort of trying to go upstream, all it does is exhaust us, waste our energy, and keep us focused in the wrong direction. So what we're gonna do today is kind of shift our attention to go downstream, to go with the flow of, with reality of what is happening, and give yourself some tools to navigate the waters so that you can feel more at ease and grounded and peaceful. I believe wholeheartedly that when you decide what is aligned for you and you start to focus there, you create massive changes in your life. But we cannot keep running away from what we don't want because when we are just running from what we don't want, what we end up is we stop like I did five years down the road after the fact and say, oh my gosh, how did I get here?

I'm doing the same things I did before. I have the same patterns, the same frustrations, the same emotional outbursts. What we wanna do is actually stop where we are today and decide what do I want? How do I wanna show up? Because what this does is it builds a sturdier foundation so that you can start to make the changes today that create a better tomorrow. We can't just hope for things to get better. We can't just think, well, when I get divorced, things are gonna get better. Well, maybe, but things are gonna get better when you change them, when you start taking control over what you have control over and really walking in alignment with what you want. So that is what we are gonna begin talking about right now.

So why did I just start with that? Well, like we've talked about very briefly, is one of the things that we have to really decide before we make really big decisions or when we're contemplating what's the next right thing? Is it divorce? Is it staying? Is it separating? Sort of what is that next move? So many of us want to think our way to that next answer, but oftentimes our brain is just recycling information, misinformation, and we just get stuck again. And I talked about that ping pong. Like the do I stay? Do I go? Do I go to court? Do I not go to court? Do I get a lawyer? Do I not get a lawyer? Like it's like ping, ping, ping, this ping pong back and forth, and it's all happening up here. What we just did with the breath is it helps us get out of our head and get back into our body.

Our body is what holds so many of the answers. And when we are living in a reactive state, it is a lot of the time coming from the thoughts that we are having when we get lost in the mental ping pong battle. And so I wanted to start there by settling our system down, by settling our breathing so that you could hear yourself on what you want in this moment. What is most important to you? So when you're thinking about that, when you think about how you want to navigate this process, how you wanna feel, just write that down. If you have a pad, a pen and paper with you, just write, what are those feelings or what are those things that you would be most proud of? Because those are gonna help us set our GPS. And setting our GPS is really learning how to go into our internal guidance system.

I call it our inner GPS, which is our intuition, our knowing. Each one of us has this. Many of us just don't know how to listen or hear our intuition because there's so much noise happening up here. And again, that's where we have to sort of calm that down. So when I talked earlier about sort of setting the direction that you wanna go, this is a key part of this because we can either be running from what we don't want, or we can be walking slow and steady in the direction of what it is that you do want. But that is only possible when we slow down and we get out of the reactionary place that we're in. And reactions, our reactiveness is normal. We're human, we all react. It's being triggered, it's being activated. I think when we look around in the world right now, we can all agree that there's so much reaction, just people like not even hearing or seeing each other, just reacting to one another.

And so what we wanna do is actually step out of that reactiveness and step into what I call responsibility. And that is the ability to respond to life. It is from that place that you are able to continue to walk in an aligned direction towards what you want, instead of just running away from what you don't, or reacting sort of against what other people want. It's like you just don't wanna go there, so you'll go anywhere else. But that doesn't always get you where you wanna go. So we need to become very clear and focused and aligned on what you do want. So how do you do this? Well, just like we just stopped and we had a breath there, it starts by slowing down and starting to ask yourself, what do I want? Again, your brain's gonna tell you all the things that you don't want, and that's okay, but you wanna start to direct it and ask it questions.

Our brain is just a supercomputer that is looking to answer the questions that it's asked. So if we ask what don't I want? It's gonna give you all the laundry list and show you all the evidence of all the things you don't like. But if we ask it, what do I really want? What would feel so good in my soul? It will answer that question too. We just have to direct it. So I'm gonna give you a couple questions that you can ask yourself. You can say, what do you really want for yourself, for your kids, for your partner, for your ex? What do you want for your family? How do you wanna feel in your home? That's a big one. What kind of home do you wanna create? And I really believe that we are here to... Our responsibility as parents is to create a soft place for children to land In a harsh world. What we don't wanna do is keep creating more harshness.

And so I know if you're here, you're here because you want to create that safe space, that soft landing spot for them. And so to do that, we have to decide what would that feel like? What would that look like? We don't have to know exactly how to do it, like the actual steps, but just starting to understand what is it that I really want? Do I want them to feel heard? Do I want them to feel seen? Do I want them to feel like they can talk to me? All of these things, because we're gonna use that as part of learning how to set the direction. Again, when we're thinking about these big, big questions that feel just overwhelming and all encompassing, it's like you can't eat the whole cake in one bite. So we've gotta just sort of take bite after bite after bite.

But most importantly, we have to decide what are the one, two, maybe three priorities that are most important as you navigate this time in your life? As you navigate through this issue that you're having, ask yourself, what are the top one or two priorities? I like to think of these as our non-negotiables. These are the things that I'm not willing to bend on. These are the things that are so important to you, and each one of us has a different answer. I can't tell you what yours are, but you can. And starting to understand what is most important to me is going to help me decide what direction I go. And so that is something that I want you to think about. How do you want to feel in your own home? How do you want your children to feel in your home? What do you want?

What is most important for you as a parent or in a partnership in a marriage? And we allow ourselves to focus on one or two things and let the other things sort of go. And you might be saying, well, Mikki, that's ridiculous because there's so many issues. But again, we have to focus in one direction, so we focus on what's most important. Is that communication? Is that really creating what's best for your children? Whether you are starting the divorce process, thinking about the divorce process, or in co-parenting, like I said, children so often become collateral damage in this process when it is all about the parents, all about the ownership, all about what is working for them. And you get to choose how you wanna navigate this, and you might want to keep your kids' wellbeing as the top priority.

And if that is your priority, then that is where you align all of your action towards. So the other co-parents or the other parents can have their priorities, or they can act however they're going to act. But that doesn't have to derail you from what's important to you. And this is one thing I see is so many times we get into this boomerang. It's like, oh, well, they're doing this, so I have to go all the way over here and do this. Oh, they're just Disneyland dad or Disneyland mom, so I actually have to be like bad cop over here. I have to be the disciplinarian. I have to be the one with no fun. And we're just reacting to what we don't want. Instead, we have to learn how to focus and shift our perspective onto, what do I wanna do in my home with my children with what is most important to me, even if you're in the same home.

Deciding, how do I want to navigate this? And it doesn't have to be in reaction. We don't want it to be in reaction, we wanna be at choice and deciding how we're moving forward. And so that brings us to understanding what are the choices? And from that place, this is where your inner GPS is so crucial. Because once you have more awareness, once you have more agency understanding and choices, now what we wanna do is align our actions. Start to align the actions in the direction that you wanna go. And here's where so many of us get sort of caught up because we're like, I don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know how I'm gonna get there. Maybe I know what I want, but I don't know how to get there. And so then we become overwhelmed and we stop.

We stop and we get back into that sort of either or this or that, black or white ping ponging. So instead, what we wanna do is just start to allow ourselves to move one step at a time, one step aligned in the direction that we want. So what does this look like? Well, so maybe when you're deciding when we have different things brought to us or we have a couple of choices in front of us, whether you want to get a... I'm just gonna use traditional lawyer or collaborative lawyer, it's like understanding, okay, if you know divorce is the route you're going, you can start to decide, well, how do I want to be at the end of this? What is the kind of home that I wanna create? What is important to me? What are my priorities? And what is the next step?

The next one, not 10 steps from here, but what is the next step in front of me that is more aligned with that vision? Does that make sense? We don't have to know exactly the next step or which one is gonna get us where we wanna go. No. What we have to learn to do is slow down and just ask, which one is going to align me more in the direction I wanna go. This is a simple, an example as I have, but oftentimes we get so frustrated because the other person isn't communicating the way we want, or they're very argumentative, or we're not seeing any progress. And so we get very frustrated and get really, really stuck. So instead of, again, focusing on what you don't want, it's deciding what do I want? How do I wanna be able to co-parent down the road, whether we're in one house or two?

How do I wanna be able to communicate, and what is most important to me to create wellbeing for myself and my children? And we start to walk in that direction. So it could look like not engaging in a fight. It could look like not responding to a hateful text. It might look like hanging up the phone if someone is berating you. It might look like walking out of the room if they're attacking. These are little decisions that actually start to guide you in the direction that you wanna go. Not participating in the blame and the shame and the cutting down, not participating in whatever it is that you do not want. Because again, you get to decide how you wanna navigate and how you wanna move through this experience. And part of that is having the awareness to not react, but to choose what your next action is.

To say, I'm not gonna... Even if you start engaging in the fight and you're like, no, I'm not gonna do it, and you stop and you walk out, wherever it is in your relationship, whether that is to enter in or exit, I want you just to do that with as much intention and purpose and alignment in the direction that you wanna go. Because my friend, you are in control of this experience, and you are 100% capable and deserving and worthy of the most beautiful life, and you're the one who is gonna start walking in that direction today. Sending you so much love and many blessing. And I'll see you soon.

Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.