Ep #95: Speaking Up

Welcome to Co-parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce, and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach, with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm excited to have you today because we are gonna be talking about boundaries, but sort of what happens before boundaries are placed. Because if there's one thing I get questions about all the time it's, "How do I set and maintain boundaries?" Especially in co-parenting, we need it. But do you ever find yourself struggling to hold the boundary that you set, or not even setting a boundary? 'Cause you're like, why bother nobody's gonna listen to it. Well, if you answered yes to either of these questions, stay tuned 'cause is the episode for you. But before we dive into that, I just wanna say thank you for listening. I am truly, so grateful that you're here with me each week, and I just wanted to say thank you. And I don't want you to miss any of the upcoming episodes and we are coming up on some big ones. So, please make sure that you subscribe to the show so that you don't miss any of the fun stuff coming up. And while you're there, if you would rate and review the show, I would appreciate it more than you know. And a five-star review, helps me find other women, so you're helping other women get hope and support and inspiration. So, let's dive into this conversation. So, a lot of times, I have clients who come and while we're working together, they really want to work on boundaries 'cause they feel like they don't have any boundaries or they can't maintain their boundaries, or nobody ever listens to any of the boundaries they make, so why bother? Well, there is something before boundaries, and that's what I wanted to talk about today, and that is speaking up. And when I say speaking up, what I mean is learning how to be honest with yourself about your feelings, your preferences, your desires, your deal-breakers. It's really getting to know what matters to you, and not only getting to know what matters to you, but letting it matter. Speaking up is being willing to say something when things aren't working for you. Even in the smallest ways, it's building the skill to be able to speak up. Now, so many of us as women, maybe we are people pleasers, or just really, really accommodating. We've all learned how to do that, how to help, how to take care of everybody else, how to be super mom. But one thing that many of us have not learned, is the skill to speak up, because we have to be willing to speak up first before we can get into boundaries. Because boundaries require speaking up, telling the truth, being honest, and then holding the boundaries that you set. So, if we can't get to the speaking up part, we're gonna really struggle with the boundary part. So, if there's one thing that I remember from my mom growing up, it was that old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." This, while I know she was well-intended when she said it, and she probably heard it from the generation before her, is not helpful. Because really what it's doing is pushing down your opinion, it's not letting you have an opinion or a preference or desire, and certainly not speaking up. It's telling you the direct opposite, if you don't have anything nice to say, if there's anything that's gonna be in conflict or oppositional, don't say it. It creates suppressed emotion and it creates a ton of resentment. And here's the thing, suppressed emotion, you can push a feeling down, but it's going to come out one way or the other. So, the more that you suppress and don't say what matters to you, what you think, what's true for you, your desires, your feelings, your preferences, your deal-breakers, the more you push those down, one of two things is gonna happen. Either it's going to leak out the little edges, it's like where you can't keep it all together, or it's gonna come out like a big giant geyser. Either way, isn't good, because it's not being intentional. So, instead we have to learn to speak up, speak up so that we're not suppressing those feelings, so that we're not stuffing everything down. Because it's going to come out, it's either going to leak out with those little sarcastic angry comments that you have for your acts maybe, or the little snap you have at your kids because you're just exhausted or you're not saying what's really going on for you. Or again, that geyser where it just spews out where you end up word vomiting all over the other person or having a complete temper tantrum. This is what happens when we're suppressing feelings and emotions, when we're not speaking up. When we're stuffing, stuffing, stuffing until we can't stuff anymore. And I don't want you to live like that, because that isn't how we show up as a strong mom, woman, human, anything. And so, that's why I wanted to talk about speaking up today, because it's really the step before boundaries. Before we can get to those really strong boundaries and set them and hold them, we have to start practicing speaking up. And for many of us, myself included, this is a learned skill. This is a muscle that you have to build, and so I wanted to talk about some different ways to start to build that. Because when you strengthen this muscle of speaking up, then strong, healthy boundaries are the natural progression. So, I'm gonna talk about a couple of ways here. You know, when your kid comes to you and says, "Mommy, are you sad?" A lot of us say, "No, no, no, I'm not sad. No, not sad, I'm okay." But this does two things, one, it's you not being honest about what's going on. But two, your kids are really in tune to you. They're really observant and they know what's going on, and they're asking you, "Are you sad?" And when we say no, and when we dismiss that, we're basically telling them that they can't trust their inner guidance system. Because they innately knew that you were sad, but then you say, "No, not me." And put on a happy face, so it's actually doing a disservice to them, as well as suppressing the feelings that you're having. So, maybe the next time your kid says to you, "Mommy, are you sad?" You say, "Yes. Yes, I am sad right now, and that's mine to deal with, so I'm gonna take a walk in a little bit." Or, "I'm gonna call a friend later, I'm gonna handle it, and I'm gonna be okay." That's being honest. Just because you admit that you're sad doesn't mean that we have to fall apart, or that we have to cry for hours into our child's lap. No, none of those things. You can still be the strong, calm, confident mom, but you can be honest about what's going on with you. Maybe your ex has a tendency to intrude, just show up, maybe come in the house when you're not expecting them. Maybe they call or text at all hours, and most of the time you just ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore. And say, "Oh well, he's not gonna do anything, it's not gonna change." Well, first, let's be honest about what's going on. This is an opportunity for you to speak up. So, next time maybe you say, before they show up, where they just come in unannounced, you tell them, "I'd really appreciate it if you call or text before you leave the house, so that I know when to expect you." Simple. Maybe they like to take your kids iPad or something with them on vacation, but they're never bringing it back in the same condition that you found it, and it's so frustrating. And so, you just wanna never give them anything ever again. Well, maybe it starts with one step by just speaking up, speaking what you would like. "If you're going to borrow the iPad for the trip, I'd appreciate that you return it all with the cords and everything, right when you get back home." Now, listen, that doesn't mean that they're gonna do it, and yes, a boundary might be needed to be put into place after, but first we have to speak up. Because all too often, there's so much talk around boundaries these days, everyone wants to set the boundary, but also we have to speak up beforehand so that the boundary can be more effective. It all really comes back to just building that muscle of learning how to speak up, owning what you're thinking. Being honest about how you're feeling to yourself and with others. Owning your preferences, owning what you want. The fact is that if you're not willing to let your feelings and your preferences, and your desires, and your deal breakers matter, who else is going to? Nobody. That is your responsibility, you are 100% responsible for if you like all of those things matter or not. You are 100% responsible for the resentments that you have and the grudges that you hold, nobody else. They're yours, you're holding them, so it's also your choice to take responsibility. And we take responsibility by being honest about it, being honest with yourself first and foremost about what matters to you. And we don't have to do this in a giant grand sweeping way. No, it's about really looking at the small ways, that instead of suppressing what's going on, instead of suppressing your feelings, suppressing what you want, that you start to speak up. Speak up in the tiniest of ways, so that you can build the muscle to speak up in the big ways. This comes up with so many of my clients that they avoid the conversations, they avoid the hard decisions, because they just don't wanna deal with it. But really part of it is they haven't had the practice to speak up in the small ways, so the idea of making these big conversations is terrifying, and I totally understand it. I bet you can too. So instead, we wanna just build that muscle, get the practice, it's not innate. Many of us were not taught how to speak up, we were not encouraged to have a voice, have an opinion, for our feelings to matter. No, quite the opposite. Many of us grew up in that, children should be seen and not heard. And all of that is just discounting your feelings, your emotions and your opinions, because it's not convenient. But here's the thing, all of those things matter, your feelings matter, your opinions matter, your needs matter all of that matters. And it's your job to let the matter, to take responsibility, and you are 100% capable of doing this, my friend, I promise you. I know it feels scary, and that's why when we can do these things in the small ways, it helps us be stronger in the big conversations. So, what are some of the little ways that we can do this? Well, it's just being honest about what you do and what you don't like. If your kids wanna watch one movie and you cannot stomach watching it for the 16th time, you say, "I don't really wanna see that movie." They're gonna be okay, they can find a new movie. Or when you ordered something at a restaurant and it comes to the table and it's completely incorrect and not the way you ordered it, you know what? You get to send it back. You're paying for it. Now, we don't have to do it in a mean way. You can just say, "You know what, I asked that it would be cooked medium, and this is well done." Or, "I actually can't have dairy, so I need the milk alternative in my latte." Whatever it is, you matter, your needs matter. You are not inconvenience. And so, even in these little, tiny ways speaking up builds the muscle of being able to speak up in the bigger relationships. In the harder decisions, in the conflict. But we have to start in the small ways, and again, not suppressing. Not saying, "Oh, it doesn't matter. Nobody's gonna listen to me anyway." No, you listen. You get to listen and you get to matter. Another really small, tangible way to start building this muscle is, maybe you are feeling stressed, maybe you're feeling sad, maybe you're feeling overwhelmed, maybe you're exhausted. Whatever it is when you find yourself in a moment that you're struggling, stop, take a deep breath, put your hand on your heart and ask yourself, "What do I need in this moment?" And then find one small way to give it to yourself. Now, if you're feeling really overwhelmed by so much to do, maybe it's putting your feet in the grass for five minutes, or three. Maybe you need help, maybe you're overwhelmed, ask for help. Let whatever is going on for you matter. Again, if you're feeling sad, allow yourself to feel sad, be there for yourself. Maybe you're in a place where you can't fall apart at the moment, you say to yourself, "I'm going to come back to this later this evening." And you let yourself come back, feel the feeling, allow the tears to come. And then you can move forward in a way that supports you. Like I said, many, many, many of us, especially us women, we were not taught how to speak up. We were told to be quiet, to be passive, to be helpful, to be kind, all of those things. And yes, I think all of those things are wonderful. But they should not come at the expense of your feelings, your needs, your desires, or your deal breakers. You matter, you are allowed to have all of those things and you are allowed to meet those needs. And you are allowed to do what you need to do to get those needs met. Now, the other person may not meet them, but that doesn't mean that you can't. And this is where you get to take responsibility. Again, those resentments, those grudges, those silent arguments that you have in your mind, those are yours to take responsibility for, because you're the one holding them. And just like people go to the gym and get a personal trainer to get fit and get the body that they want, or meet the wellness goals that they're after, you also can do this for yourself emotionally. You can get a coach like me or one of the other amazing coaches out there, but this is what I do. I help my clients build the muscles so that they are emotionally fit, so that they can co-parent with confidence and calm. So, that they can allow themselves to matter, so that they can allow others in their lives to truly matter. So, if you want help with this, and learning how to speak up, or figuring out what the first step is or what the next boundary might be, I want you to know that I'm here to help you. You are welcome to schedule a clarity call with me, the link is in the show notes. And you and I will get on that free no strings attached call, where together we will figure out, how do you move forward? What do you need to put in place to move forward? What areas do you need to work on to let matter, and then where are the boundaries that you need to set? This is the work that I can do with you to help you to move forward. The thing is, is that life isn't gonna change until you decide to change it. Relationships are not gonna change until you decide to change. And so, all of this starts with you letting yourself matter, you letting your thoughts, your feelings, your preference, your deal breakers, your desires, all of your wants. These things matter, let them matter by taking the steps to honor them, to be honest and to speak up. If you need help speaking up, go ahead and get on a clarity call, 'cause we're gonna do a lot of speaking and you're gonna feel so much better. That's the show that I have for you today. And I just want you to leave with one thing, I know I've said it a million times, and I'm gonna say it one more time. You matter, you are loved and worthy and 100% capable as you are right now. And it begins with you deciding to support yourself. Deciding to choose you. So, I hope you choose you today. And if nobody tells you, just remember you're loved, you're cared for, and go ahead and take care of yourself. I'll see you next week. Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice, please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com, I'll see you next week. [music]