Ep #135: "Should I Stay or Go" Might Not Be the Question to Answer

Welcome to Co-parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom, they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children will get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

Welcome back to the podcast. I just got back from my morning walk and it's the end of April here, and we've had stretches of warm days, I live in the Midwest in Michigan. And when spring comes, it is like everyone comes out and they're waving to each other, it's almost like a Disney movie like, Hello. Hello? After the winter. How was your winter? We live such indoor lifestyle, and I walk almost every day all year long. I try not to let the weather stop me. But this morning I was walking and there's a frost advisory and it is cold, it's been really cold and dump and rainy.

And it reminds me of those times when you're trying to make changes, maybe you've decided to leave the relationship, maybe you are in the process of divorce. Maybe you are so sick and tired of your own BS, and you're like, No, I'm making these changes. And you start to make the change, and it starts to feel so good. And then something happens, right? Maybe it's your ex's or your current person's reaction. Maybe it's a reaction from your family, maybe it's because you start to not know the answers, right? Or the worry sets in about is this the right decision? What's gonna happen to my children? Right? And all these things start to set in and you start to feel the opposite of the light feeling that you've been feeling.

You start to feel really heavy, you start to feel weighed down, not knowing what to do next. Maybe really blue and sad and lonely, and really doubting yourself. And it feels like you're going back into that dark period of time. And that's what this morning's weather reminded me of, right? On the journey when we are growing and expanding and try new things, and maybe we're in a season of massive change by divorce, like separation or maybe you're just contemplating it. There are these periods of ups and downs, there are moments of clarity, and there's moments of not knowing. There's moments of feeling like you know which direction you go, and then feeling like you have zero idea what's next.

You have these conflicting ideas of you know what you want for your life, but then you look at your children and you think, I can't do this to them, I can't. I don't know what it's gonna look like, and I can't do this to them. All of these questions are valid, all of these feelings are valid. And all of them are necessary on the journey. And what I think is not helpful or necessary is the sheer volume of self-doubt and self-blame that we often feel. That is heaped on to us and that we have just been conditioned and learn to carry. And what do I mean by that? As young girls in the society, whether you are Christian or Jewish or Muslim, or wherever you're listening from, but I know in our Western culture that women have really been stripped of the power, the intuition, and the deep knowing and a deep reverence of that knowing.

And this happened centuries ago and has just played out generation after generation after generation. And I don't think that we need to get into the nitty-gritty of it, although it's fascinating when you start to learn more and more, but I don't think we need to blame anyone. I don't think that's useful, but I do think it's necessary to understand that we have been conditioned to be quiet, to look outside of ourselves for answers. And sorry, Disney franchise, but suggesting that we need a man or a prince or someone to come and scoop us up and save us, that little seeds that were planted in our brains when we were little girls, really start to come out when we're older, and when we have this knowing inside. And we can feel that knowing, but we don't know what to do with it.

And all the voices in our head take over and it becomes a really confusing place to be. And I was just working with a client, and I know this from my own life, there are those moments when we have that deep knowing. When we know I can't live this life that I'm living anymore. I can't be in this relationship one more day and feel okay within my own self, but then we look at our children. And when I was just talking to this beautiful woman who is really struggling because she has two really little kids. And she thinks, "How can I do this, they're so pure," she told me. So innocent, they don't deserve this.

And she has a knowing that by her living in her strength and her power and trusting her knowing that she is going to be the best example for them, to be able to do that for themselves and maybe not make as many mistakes. Likely they will make their own mistakes. But as she's talking, she's so conflicted in the back and the forth. And so in that moment, that's what I wanted to talk about today, because we get to those moments when we're so sick of what we've created for ourselves. We're so sick of our own BS, like I said, by getting ourselves to the point where we know we need to do something, but then we don't do it. We know we need to make a change, but we don't do it. We know we need to have the hard conversation, but we don't do it.

So when we're in that place, I wanna offer you a different perspective because oftentimes we get really focused on the, why is this happening? Or we get focused on the, how am I gonna change it? In that moment, I want you to turn inward, and this might sound counter-intuitive, and you might say, Mikki, this is ridiculous. But I just want you to try it a couple of times. Because in that moment, when we're starting to spin, when we're starting to doubt, when we're starting to berate ourselves for all the things we've done wrong. Or we're leaning into the overwhelming catastrophic fear of what's next in what we don't know. So in that moment, I want you to just stop for a moment, and I want you to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, do that two more times.

And I want you to ask yourself the question, or state the thing you're thinking about. And try not to let it be a yes or no, but let it be, what do I need to know here? Is leaving the option that is going to help my family? Is this the time that I need to start moving in this direction? What conversation do I need to have? Right? What do I need to say to this other person? What logistics do I need to figure out? And you start to just inquire a little bit. It might help to journal and just start to figure out what is that question that you're really holding onto. Or what is the knowing that you have. Maybe the knowing is, it's time for something to shift, it's time for you to have the hard conversation. It's time for you to try to separate, it's time for you to, fill in your blank.

When you filled in that blank, I want you to stop, take these three deep breaths and then put your hand on either side of your head, gently. And check in with your head and ask, Why do I really want this? And just notice what comes up. We don't judge it, we don't blame it, we just notice. Then I want you to take five deep breaths in and out, in through your nose, out through your mouth again. And then I want you to put your hand on your heart and I want you to ask yourself, Do I really want this? And just notice what comes up.

If both of those are agreeing, then you take five more deep breaths and you put your same hand on your belly and you ask the same question, Do I really want this? If all three of those are aligned, then there is your answer to move forward. If it's not, here's where you need to revisit. Not again from a place of spinning or fear, but to start to ask yourself, Okay, if I'm gonna peel back the onion here, what needs to be healed? What needs to be said? What do I need to support myself? To find more clarity, right? And this is where coaching changes things because you have someone who is exploring these things in real time with you. For so many of my clients, I work with them before they've even thought about. They haven't started the divorce process.

But they're in the process of deciding, Do I even go? Is this the time to go? Or they're in the process and they're maybe just starting it or in it. But walking through that process, because we need a lot of clarity when we're making these big decisions. And like I said, we haven't been taught how to trust ourselves. And to have someone with you who is helping you really turn inward to answer your own questions and be the support with you to do that, that's a game changer.

That's what I wish I'd had during my divorce. That's what I wished I had during the times when my relationship got really difficult, and I felt like leaving was the only option. Leaving wasn't the only option in my second relationship. In my first relationship, that's where we ended up. But we have to start to look at what are the options available? And like I said earlier, sometimes the answer isn't, Do I stay or do I go?

But sometimes the first question that we need to answer is really what do I need to heal inside of myself to be able to find more clarity. To trust my knowing, to follow my gut, so that I move forward in a way that is aligned. And moving forward in a way that I am building my family up no matter what happens, instead of letting it get torn down. And that is the focus that I wanna be with in my own life and each of my clients lives and here on this podcast. How are we shifting our focus from what we can't do, what we're getting boxed in with, to what do I have available within me right this moment to make positive change.

Because my friend, you have it in you all the time. You have all the answers inside of you, and the more that you can learn to trust yourself to answer those knowings, to move forward in a direction that is aligned with your well-being, with your health, with prosperity, with abundance. That is when you know that you and your kiddos are gonna be okay, because you're moving forward towards your well-being. Not moving forward in a scattered way, running around, just trying to put out fires. We don't wanna be that one putting out the fires. We wanna be that calm presence who is moving towards what we want. Towards the healing that we desire, towards the joy, towards the safety, towards the abundance of life that we deserve. Each one of us, every single one of us deserves that. And the safety and the love, and allowing yourself to matter.

So when we are moving forward with each step towards that direction, you're never gonna be wrong. You might make a mistake, you might make a decision that you're like, Oh, of course correction, when I figure that one out. And that's normal and that's helpful. It's helpful to start to make decisions, take action, do things have conversations and you're like, Oh man, actually, I don't wanna be doing this that I'm doing. I wanna actually be moving over here. And that's why when we are able to heal ourselves more and more, and trust our knowing that we can be more open to solutions, to conversations, to opinions, and to being in partnership and co-creation with the other people in our lives, to figure it out. To figure out what the solution is for you and your family that will lead you towards a healthier, happier, more whole life. And that's what we learn.

I hope this little shift was helpful for you today. And if you need support in this, I want you to schedule a breakthrough call. Because it's a call where I help you just shift perspective. Start to decide what is one thing, one area that I need to start to look at to take action on, to trust that deep knowing and how to access that so that you can start to move forward, because it is a snowball effect. One step after another, after after another, starts to roll you in a direction, it's like the snowball starts to gain mass and gain speed and gain movement.

And so we wanna constantly be pushing that snowball in the direction we would want to go, instead of the direction we don't wanna go. So if you need support in that my friend, I am here for you. And in case, nobody else tells you, I believe in you. I love you, and you can do this. Have an amazing day. I'll talk to you next week. Oh.

Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parenting with confidence dot com. I'll see you next week.