Ep #157: Reflection: Auditing Your Life and Co-Parenting for a Balanced New Year

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, we'll get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

Hi, and welcome back to the podcast. If you're listening to this right when it drops, it is January of 2025. I don't know about you, but I still cannot get my mind around how quickly time is passing. It feels like it's racing, and then at times it feels like it's so slow. I guess that's what they always say about having little kids. The days are long, but the years are fast. I was just talking with my son over the holidays. He's 14 now and almost 15, and he was starting to get really nostalgic about holidays. They used to be, and this wasn't when his dad and I were married because he doesn't remember those holidays very much. He was so young, but just when he was younger and there was a little bit more magic, and it just got me to thinking about how we can get into these patterns.

We can just get into getting by and keeping up and doing the things that are expected. So many of us do this, and then sometimes there's a big bombshell sort of dropped in our lives, or we're having the holidays and it's like everything goes to that, and then afterwards you're left sort of reeling and feeling like what just happened? Well, I know for so many of us, that's kind of what happens with the holidays, but that's also what happens when we are trying to navigate this whole co-parenting experience or when we're experiencing separation or divorce. And so what I wanted to talk about today is a really easy practical way of organizing your thoughts and your actions in the direction you want to go. If you've listened to this podcast at all, that is something I talk about a lot, which is let's choose the direction you want to go and help you create a plan and navigate the path to get there.

Because you are the one in charge of your life. You are the one who's going to get you where you want to go, but we can't do that when we don't know where that is. And so what we're talking about today is really a life audit and it's perfect timing. If you're listening to this right when it drops, great, it's in the middle of January. So I actually think this is the perfect time to do it, but if you're listening to this down the road or years down the road, it doesn't matter when during the year or the calendar year, this is at any given time, we can stop and assess what is going on and we can choose the direction that we want to move forward in. So I'm going to frame a lot of this because of the time that we're in, which is the new year, and I actually intentionally this year did not do my audit early.

Normally I try to do it in December, but things were just so hectic this year just with life and other things going on, and I really wanted to have some time. And so I've given myself the gift of January to look at what's happening, what's going on in my life, what's going on in my co-parenting, what's going on in my business, and allowing myself the space to move through this. And so I wanted to do it with you here on the podcast today. So what I'm going to walk you through is what I like to do in my own life and what I help my clients do. Sometimes I actually get on calls with my clients when they want to do this, and we do it together. And also, I'll just tell you now, I do offer this as a service too. If you just want a coach to walk through an audit with you, I do this and I'll put the link in the show notes so that you have it if you want to book your life audit with me.

But what does that look like? Well, it's basically I'm going to walk you through a part of it today, but I send you a process and you walk through that and really figure out, answer all the questions that we're asking, and then you and I get on a call together and we go through what you found out, and then here's the magic of it. You get two weeks of Voxer support with me where I actually help you implement the changes because this is the deal. We can think about what we want to do, we can have the best of intentions of how we want to get there, but unless we are taking action and moving forward and handling the emotion and the uncomfortableness and all of the things that come up in the meantime, if we're not able to do those things, we're not going to see any changes.

We're not going to see the results that we want. And so that's why I created this little one-off offering that I do for people where you can just get help if you have one area or you're like, I don't even know where to start, Mikki, or whatever it is, we can actually do that together. And because I'm still in the gift giving experience from the holidays, I'm putting a special discount link, which is 2025. So if you go and buy an audit this month or in February and you use the 2025 coupon, you'll get a hundred dollars off. So that means for $197, you and I are spending two weeks together as me as your coach. I mean, this is a no-brainer. So if after you go through this podcast you're like, no, I really would love some help, just click the link in the show notes and I'll help you with it.

So let's get down to business. So I listened a couple years ago. It might've been last year, I listened to it again this year. But Mel Robbins has a beautiful process that she walks through with people, and I've sort of over the years tweaked what I do. I used to have this elaborate process of how I analyzed everything that happened during the year. You know what? I just kind of need it a little simpler, a little easier. That's why I made that process for the life audit. But what we're going to go through here is just some notes, just some questions that you can start to ask yourself so you can start to decide how you want to move forward. But one caveat before we jump in, I do not want this process to be a negative experience. It is not a time for judgment or blame or condemning yourself or others.

When we start to look at an audit, what we're wanting to do is really be an observer and a gentle observer of what's happened, what you're thinking, what is going on in your life. It's not a time to beat yourself up. It is not a time to condemn others. What we're really wanting to do is look at everything as nonjudgmentally and neutrally as we possibly can. And that's where having a coach going through this with you sometimes can be really, really helpful because sometimes we get really sad or upset or angry or frustrated or just like to heck with it, right? Because we're so frustrated by what's going on. And so actually having someone in your corner to help you is really important, but you can do this also on your own. I just wanted to say that in advance is let's not let this be a time to beat yourself up.

What we're looking to do is what are some ways that actually today I can start to move the needle and then go in the direction that I want. Okay, so let's look at this. So one thing I'd like you to do is just maybe you have different pages or you just sort of block out the months of the year. So we want to just look at each month of last year, January through December, I want you to go back and you can use your phone as a way to do this just by looking at pictures. You might need your phone. You're definitely going to need a pen and paper. And once you have those things, let's sit down and walk through this. So what we're going to do is we're going to start all the way back in January, and I want you to write down what are the highlights of 2024?

Look at this past year, and if it's not the year, right, let's say it's July that you're doing this. Just look at the last year and start to say, maybe you could look at it in the quarters or monthly, whatever feels comfortable for you. But look at what were the highlights, what were the great things that happened? So like I said, I actually haven't done my own. And so I was just looking back at some of my photos and I started laughing. I had totally forgotten that we started the year out with friends in Florida. And so we met with one of my high school friends, and she has a son that is my son's age, and the boys get along so well, and I was just looking at the photos. The two boys decided they really wanted perms, right? That was all the rage with the hair, still is the fluffy hair for the teenage boys.

And so they convinced us. We told them they had to do all the research, but they convinced us that they were going to get perms, and this was a great idea. They found the salon, they found the person who could do it, both of them together. And so we let them go. They got matching perms, and then we got on a plane and came home. So I was just looking at those and laughing so hard, and we had that trip, which was so much fun. And then I'm from Detroit, and I've got a ton of lions pictures from playoff times last year, which we're not going to talk about that right now because doing really well this year. And then I was looking, I took a beautiful trip with my mom in February of last year. It was the first time that she and I had traveled alone, just the two of us.

And I still cherish the memories that we had during that time together. It was so special. But just as I'm scrolling through, it just reminds me of how much we forget, right? Years go so quickly and it's like something happens and then we forget about it. And that's why these moments of taking an audit are so important to look back and say, what was really great, what was a highlight? And so I want you to just go back through the last year or the last 12 months and really start to write down what were some of those highlights. Once you've done that, I want you to go back and we've got to look at what didn't go so well, what were the low points? And so for me last year, my significant other getting sick was a real low point and took out a few months of our life really dealing with that and trying to handle everything that came along with that.

That was one of the really low points. My mom's had some real health issues as well. When I look at it, there have been some really difficult moments, difficult moments with my son as he was ending eighth grade and moving into ninth grade. Some moments just in my own personal life, in my relationships that have been really challenging, really difficult. So those were those moments that I have to take a look at and really look at what were those low moments. So from those two things, and a lot of times it's from those lower moments that we start to want to ask this next question, which is, what did I learn about myself last year? For me, I learned a little bit of how resilient I am. I've known that I do have a lot of resilience. I also have a lot of dedication when I decide I'm going to do something.

Over this last year, I started a master's program going through that process of applying and everything that came along with that, all of the uncomfortableness, I really realized that when I want something, there is very little that stops me. And I've known this, but I also witnessed myself do it in a different way this year, which is really slowing down. I have a tendency to be a little bit of a bulldozer, if I'm being honest. My ex-husband can certainly tell you about that and my son and my significant other. But what I've learned about myself is through the work that I've been doing and learning and growing over a lot of years is there's a lot less bulldozing, but there's a lot more intentional decision making. And when I make that decision, I move to it. I move towards it, and things will not go as planned.

But I've watched myself stay really true to what is aligned for me and watching myself navigate that. So that's been something that I've been really proud of. There's been heartbreaks along the way, right? Mistakes that I've made in a relationship that I wish I could change and I can't. But what I can do is how I respond to it, how I continue to show up, how I make amends, how I try to do my best to move forward and ask for forgiveness, admit mistakes. And those are some of the things that I've learned about myself. And I'm curious what you've learned about yourself in this past year. Once you've done that, you're starting to have a really good look at what have the last 12 months been like? And this is where the life audit that I walk you through is where we start to get really clear on what is and isn't working, right?

So what we want to look at next is what is working in your life? And we can break it down to maybe different areas. The ones I like to look at are lifestyle. That's things like time management, our responsibilities, our scheduling, our commitments, relationships, wellness, that physical health, mental health, spirituality, fun, all of that. Co-parenting for me is one that's always in there. That's really putting dedicated time and attention. Looking at just co-parenting, the co-parenting, relationship, communication, responsibilities of care, the finances. There's a number of different things that we can look at within the area of co-parenting. And then home is always one. That's really the state of our home, clutter, cleanliness, organization, energetics, the flow, all of that. So what we want to look at is really start to decide, and then you can just put it in those broad categories, but what's working, right?

And it might feel some days like nothing's working, but we can really dig kind of a little bit deeper to find out where am I actually doing things that are working? Because what we want to do is continue to do the things that are working. So if you're doing really well at managing your physical health or mental health or your time and your calendar, or you've been really on it with taking care of your house, these are things that we want to celebrate and we want to keep going in the new year, and we want to do that with intention. We also want to look at what isn't working. Those things that are creating a lot of frustration, a lot of tension in your life. Whenever there is tension and friction, we know that we are out of alignment. We know that we're actually trying to make something work that isn't working.

And so we need to redirect there. So starting to look at what are the areas in your life that there is friction, that there's tension that isn't working, and that's an important thing to look at. And once we do that, now we start to have a better idea of, well, what's actually happening in my life? I can see what's working. I can see what isn't working, and now I can start to make some decisions from that place. Here's where we want to start to really drill down on it, because we can get overwhelmed at this point in the process, but what I want you to do right now is I want you to list out the things that are working really well and the things that are not working well. And you just get those onto paper and look at it. And from there, the ones that are not working, I want you to write for each one what you would want instead.

What would it look like if it were aligned, if it were working perfectly, if everything was easy in that area, sort of write down what that would look like. Because then from there, what we're going to do is ask ourselves if it was working well, if it looked exactly the way that I wanted it to, how would I feel in that instance? Because right now we have frustration and tension and annoyance in all of the things, but we want to know if it were eliminated, if it were working well, how would I feel? And this is so important. We really want to know how we want to feel because that is at the bottom of what's happening. And so for us, we have to start to look at what are the feelings that I actually want to start to create more and more of, right?

And so let's say co-parenting is an issue that isn't working, and maybe communication. Maybe you guys are constantly miscommunicating. Maybe there is so much frustration, whatever it is. So you could ask yourself, if the communication isn't working, what would it look like if it were? Well, it might look like you could just send a text and get an answer back without all of the hoopla and all of the drama. Or maybe it would look like being able to pick up the phone and talk to the other co-parent and iron things out and find solutions and then move on with your day. And if you had that, how would you feel? You'd probably feel content, you'd probably feel safe. You'd probably feel confident, productive, all of these things. So you can think about what it would look like and feel like if you had them. And then from there, what we're going to do is start to build an idea of, well, what is in the way?

What is the obstacle in the way of that? What would you need to do to actually start to shift it? It's asking ourselves questions like, what's holding me back from making changes in this area? Or What would even need to change? Or what do I want to do that I'm not doing? Or we can start to ask ourselves, what are even some possible solutions here? Because a lot of times we're like, it's never going to change. So we have to even start to step into possibility. But ultimately what we want to look at is how do I want to feel about this thing in my life? And then when you start to decide how you want to feel, you can ask yourself, well, what is one thing that I can do today? Or what is one small change that I can start to make where I would feel a little bit more like that?

So if we're wanting to feel a little bit more content, or we're wanting to feel more confident in our communication, well, what's one thing that you can do today? It might be start to communicate. It might be send a message when normally you would only stop and think about it, because so many times we try to think of the perfect way to say it, or we try to think about what's the way that we could say it that isn't going to elicit some dramatic response versus just saying, I want to be the type of co-parent who communicates clearly, and so I'm going to step into doing that now. So that might look like putting together a short note, just saying the facts of what's going on, or Here's an issue, here's what I'm going to be doing about it. Let me know what you think, or I don't know what the specifics are for you, but as always, I'm here to talk about that if you need any help.

But really starting to ask yourselves, what are the changes that I could make? How could I feel a little bit more confident? What would make me feel more confident in starting to step into doing things? We're not going to go from things not working to everything, working perfectly without taking some steps. And so what this life audit process does is just starts to look at what are the areas that are and are not working so that we can prioritize? Well, this is actually an area I need to sort of focus on, or this is actually an area that I'm not going to change right now, but I'm going to focus over here. We can't change everything all at once, but we can start to prioritize what actually needs our attention, our time, and our energy now, and start to move forward in that area. Because once we start to do that, we actually start to get some progress.

We start to gain some confidence. We start to move the needle, and we're willing to do it more and more in other areas. Again, what I always like to do is look at big picture. What went really well? Maybe what didn't go as well last year? What did I learn about myself? What are some things that I'm doing that I want to keep doing? What are some things in my life that I want to stop doing? And what are some things that I want to start? But then after we have those sort of big picture, we just pick one, letting yourself just focus on one thing to move the needle forward a little bit, because we've got to start to be more intentional, to be more specific and prioritize and give the time and the space to allow ourselves to actually grow, to learn to see what works and doesn't work.

But when we're trying to do everything all at once or we go way too much in one direction, we'll kind of fall back. They have that, what do they call it? Quitters day. It's like in the middle of January where all the New Year's resolutions, everyone gives up. It's because they're too big, right? Or they're not really going towards what we want. We might be saying, oh, yeah, I need to work out, but we're really not feeling it versus saying to myself, I actually want to have so much energy that I am overflowing. Or maybe you aren't feeling that great physically, and you want to have more energy to play with your kids. Well, that means that you start working on that in little increments so that in a couple of months you have way more energy. But that means starting now, getting more rest, starting to move your body in different ways, maybe changing diet a little bit, but it's really looking at one area of your life and how can I really start to move that forward?

And that's what this process does. And again, if you need support with this in any area of your life, but for sure relationships or co-parenting, I'm happy to help you out with one of these audits. You can just grab it again with that promo code so that you get the discount or just listen back to this episode, right? Or I said the Mel Robbins one. She does an amazing one. But just starting to look at what are the ways that I can start to focus on one area, and how can I start to actually support myself in growth, in movement, in prioritizing and setting myself up to be able to live that life that you want? So that next year when you come back to this process, then you can look at yourself and say, you know what? Look at me. I put my time and my energy and everything forward into this one area and look at how I've grown.

Look at the amazing progress that I've made. Look at the amazing things that have come out of it that is completely possible, and it's just up to you, and it's up to me, and it's up to each of us to keep moving forward in the direction that we want to go. As long as you have life and you have breath in your body, you can continue to move forward, to learn, to grow, to create change, and to create more beauty in this world and more beauty in your life. And that's what I want for you. This can be an extraordinary year for you. I know that it can be, and it is not dictated on what happened last year. It's not dictated on how your other co-parent is showing up or isn't. It's not dictated on any of those things. It really comes down to you choosing you and saying, I deserve to move the needle forward with progress, with growth, with love and compassion for myself and for my children and my family and the people that I love.

And this is what you can do. And it starts when we're really willing to get honest with ourselves and do a little bit of an audit process and say, what's working and what isn't, and then how do I want to move forward? You've got this, my friend. I promise you. Do you know that I'm here for you? If you need any support? I look forward to hearing how this process goes and what happens for you as you move the needle forward in your own life. I'll see you next time.

Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or the qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.