Ep #22: Raising Whole (Not Just Happy) Kids

I'm Mikki Gardner, and this is the Co-Parenting with Confidence Podcast episode number 22, Raising Whole (Not Just Happy) Kids. [music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same, if you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready, and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Welcome friends. I'm so excited that you're back here with me. I'm excited about this episode because it's been coming up a lot with my clients in conversations, personally, with friends, in my own life, and I wanted to really dive into this. But before we get into it, I have a question for you. What do you want for your children? What do you truly want for them in their life. When I ask my clients this, or mom, friends, or anyone that I meet, we get the standard response, "I want them to be successful, I want them to be well-rounded, I want them to be capable, to be honest, to be resilient." But the number one answer that you get is, "I want them to be happy." And there is nothing wrong with happiness. We all wanna be happy, but too often when we're focused on wanting our kids to be happy, what we do is we create this idea that they shouldn't be unhappy, or that our kids happiness is somehow within our control. What happens is when our kids aren't happy, we feel like it's something we've done, we start to feel guilty, and sometimes there's even shame on that. But then you add a little divorce to the mix, you become a single mom, and you can add another heaping scoop of guilt onto this mess, and maybe even a lot more shame. And often what we'll do is overcompensate for what's going on, trying to control our children's happiness. We're trying to make up for it and prove that we haven't done anything wrong and that everything's okay, but it's an endless wheel that we get on. I mean, the problem with this whole happy kid idea, happy kid syndrome, as I talk about it, is that when we focus on wanting our kids to be happy, like I just said, it suggests that they shouldn't be unhappy, but here's the truth of the matter is, you're actually not supposed to be happy all the time. How do we know this? Because there's so many other emotions, and honestly, there's so many other experiences, and sometimes we're not supposed to be happy about things. When tragedy strikes, do we wanna be happy? No. When we lose someone or there's a death, do we wanna be happy? No. But so often we have been fed this idea that we're supposed to be happy and we know, we look at the consumerism that we live in, if you're not happy, that's okay, just take this pill, just get on this diet, just wear this outfit, just buy this car, just get this house. All of the things. Then you'll be happy. But the real fact of the matter is, is that we are not meant to be happy all the time, at best, at very, very best, life is 50-50, 50% positive, 50% negative. But so often we think something's gone wrong when we're feeling negative emotion instead of realizing it's totally normal, it's part of the process, and really when we're willing to expand our willingness to feel all of our feelings, the good ones and the bad ones, the positive and the negative ones, it allows us to feel more positive emotions deeper. By opening up to the negative, it allows us to feel the positive even stronger, so when we want that better, bigger life for ourself and our kids, we have to be willing to feel it, but when we're not willing to feel it, this is when we suffer, this is when we attach to it, when we resist, when we avoid, when we run, when we hide, and we just make the negative emotions that we're feeling bigger and bigger and bigger. And often it's because we just don't know how to process them, we just haven't been taught the skill of processing emotion so that we can feel all of them and ideally, so that we can really embrace the positive, wonderful emotions that we feel in life. So why am I bringing this up today? You might ask, because for us to raise whole resilient successful kids, we have to allow them, we have to teach them and we have to model for them what being a whole aligned human looks like. And that's what I wanna dive into today. So like I said, so often, especially when we are living a life that maybe isn't what we want, maybe we're moving past a divorce or death, whatever it is, we start to get really consumed with the negative, what's missing, what's wrong, what we don't have... We start to see the need to fix a lot of things, maybe for ourselves, for our kids, for other people. And especially when it comes to our children, we don't want them to feel these feelings that we're having, this out of control feeling, and so we feel like we have to fix it, we have to change it, we just have to help them so that they don't feel unhappy, so that they feel more happy. We often will feel the need to control the other parents so that we can feel comfortable in what we're doing. Maybe we're trying to figure out how to not upset everybody, not rock the boat, how to get people to see it from our angle, so that everybody will just be happy. When really what's going on is our need to feel okay with the negative. And what I mean by this is we have to learn to be okay with the uncomfortable, okay with the discomfort of not knowing how to fix things, to be okay with sitting with the big uncomfortable feelings that we have, so that we can sit with the big uncomfortable feelings that our children have. When we are so busy feeling guilty or not wanting to feel our emotions or running away from our emotions, or not trusting ourselves to be okay, it shows up all over our life. How might it show up? It's by feeling like you really wanna be mom of the year, and then two minutes in to the day, you're already yelling. It might show up blaming everyone around us for the way that things are. It might show up like desperate attempts to fix, trying to change the circumstances to have everybody feel better, it might look like getting lost in your feelings and in the worry, like a negative worry cycle, it might look like anger that just comes out, that feels uncontrollable. I mean, every day I talk with clients and they say they don't understand why they feel this way, and just trying to get away from it to trying to change it. When really what we need to learn to do is to understand what's happening, to feel our feelings, to be willing to feel these negative emotions, so that we're not just constantly running away. And the fact of the matter is, is that whether we like it or not, we are constantly co-creating our relationship with our children, with our ex, with anybody that we are in contact with, and so we have to be willing to make the decisions and make the choices that we have available for us to show up in a clear and present way so that we can support our children. How can we guide them through their big feelings, through their ups and downs, if we're so busy resisting running away from or hiding from what's going on from ourselves? You can't. So what does this start to look like? And why is this important? Well, again, for us to raise kids that are okay, that are happy, that are whole, they have to be willing and able and understand how to process emotion, how to be resilient, how to be with the uncomfortable, how to have courage, all of these things. And for them to do that, it helps to have a parent who is safe and loving and is embodying all of these things. You can be that safe, loving parent for your child. They only need one. And that can be you. So how do you start doing this? What does this even look like? Well, Oprah has that quote that we have to be responsible for the energy that we bring into a room, and that's where we start being responsible for the energy that we bring, being clear and present and aware. How do we do that? Well, we learn to emotionally regulate ourselves. When we are emotionally regulated, we are balanced. That means that that looks like not running away, not hiding, but being with whatever is present, sort of being present to the what is of life. This is doing the work to manage our emotions so that we're not projecting them onto others, so that we're not throwing them at other people like a hot stone or a hot potato, but we're really learning to process and deal with our own emotions so that we can do that for our children. One thing that often, sometimes I see moms do is that we feel like if our kids are falling apart, we have to fall apart with them. If we're really a loyal good mom, we really go to the mat and feel all those feelings with them, but that's simply not true, they don't need you to fall apart with them, they actually need you to be there as that strong, present, clear space so that they can feel all of their feelings, but feel safe at the same time, that is a true gift that we can give our children, but the only way that we can do that is when we are learning to regulate ourself. What does this regulation look like? It looks like all the things I mentioned before: Yelling, blaming, lost in sadness or in worry or in feelings, and an anger spiral, all of those things would happen when we are dysregulated. And so learning how to regulate ourselves... And I'm gonna talk about that a little more in a few minutes, is so important. So I am a certified conscious parenting coach, and one of the things that we learn about is that we have to get to understand what's really behind the behavior, because if you think of any emotion, it's like, a iceberg, we see what's on the very surface, but what's underneath that is a huge, huge amount. So we have to start to understand the behavior that we're seeing on the surface, whether it's from ourselves, our children or other people, there's a whole host of things going on underneath that, and so what we need to do is learn to look behind the behavior for what's really going on underneath the surface. But before we can help our kids, we have to be able to help ourselves. This is going back to that emotional regulation, so I wanna give you some tactical ways that you can start to get behind your behavior and your kids, so that you can start to create more alignment, more ease, more calm. And when you do that, more happy. So Sue Johnson's work, she's a psychotherapist... She says that every action is truly just a bid for attention. What does that mean? Consciously or unconsciously, every action that we're taking when in relationship to other people is a bid for attention, calling out for a need that needs to be answered. So whether we know it or not, we're kind of seeking attention, and luckily, because we're all human and we're all cut from the same cloth, and we're all made of the same energetic fields, we're pretty similar, and so what we're looking for are some very basic needs. In a kid, what they're looking for is they wanna know, "Am I safe? Do you see me? And will you come when I call?" Those are kind of the basic needs. As adults is very similar, "Am I safe? Do you see me? Do you hear me? Do I matter?" So those are the needs, those are the bids for attention that we're asking for that are addressing those needs, and luckily, there's again, three pretty easy things to start to understand about breaking down what the issues are. So a bit for attention can be acting out, it could be behavior that our kids are showing us that isn't happy, isn't what we want, whether it's disrespect, lying, tantrums, any of the things, it really always comes down to three things that are behind the behavior that are going towards these basic needs, and so that's what I wanna talk about, because as it relates to our kids or ourselves, it's very similar. So the first thing that is behind any "negative behavior" or a negative interaction, there is a need there that is not being fulfilled, and so it's our job as parents and as moms to start to understand what is that need? So the first thing that kids are looking for is connection, the second is constraint, and the third is skill building. So I wanna go through each of those in detail. So connection... A lot of behaviors that can come out are about connection, they either need connection to themselves or to you. When kids are younger, often they need connection to the adult, whether it's a baby crying, it's asking for connection, whether it is a toddler having a tantrum, freaking out about a toy or something being taken away, the acting out or the smarting off, could be that they need more connection. It could be that they're having huge feelings that they don't know what to do with, and they need to feel connected, they need to understand, "Do I belong? Am I loved? Will you come when I call?" And so that's where we have to look and see in our children, what do they need, do they need to feel more connected? Oftentimes in our own life, when we are feeling out of control or we're feeling emotionally alone, we're feeling angry or blaming, all of these things can go back to needing connections, needing to go back to that basic human need of belonging, and you can do that for yourself. Oftentimes, when we feel angry, like we wanna lash out any of those big, big emotions that feel overwhelming to us, oftentimes it just needs us to connect to ourselves. And what does that look like? It looks like some of the other things that we've talked about in previous episodes. But grounding, grounding ourselves, creating a safe space that we can come back to, becoming present to the moment, so that we can see what's truly going on, and the only way to do that is to connect to self. I really love of just the idea of pausing for one breath. When we can pause long enough to take one breath, we ground ourself in the present moment and we allow ourselves the opportunity to show up differently in the next moment. We can teach this to our children too, when they're having the big feelings, when they need to feel connected or need someone to just sit with them as they feel it, we don't necessarily need to fix it or change it, but just sit with them to understand it's okay to have these big feelings, it's not okay to have behavior that hurts others because of our feelings, but the feeling in and of itself is okay to have. And how can they connect to themselves or to you, to ground themselves into a safe space so that they're not acting up. Again, when we suggest that they shouldn't feel the feelings that they're having, that creates shame, that creates a feeling of inadequacy as if they're wrong for the way that they feel, and we wanna do the opposite, we wanna teach them that you can have these big feelings without acting out and hurting others, without making it into a bigger issue than it is. And so that's why this emotional regulation for ourselves and for our kids is so important. So the second thing that might be behind the behavior that is negative or that we're not wanting to see, or the unhappiness that our child might be feeling is they might need constraint. And so what does constraint looks like? It looks like a boundary, it might look like physically, they need to be helped, especially maybe it's a toddler having a tantrum and throwing things and hurting other people and hitting, they might actually need to be wrapped up in your arm so that they don't hurt anyone else. They might just need to understand that there's a time in the space. We have this much time in this much time, that's the boundary for this point. All people wanna feel capable and autonomous and little kids are no different, so we have to as moms start to understand, help them feel in control in ways that are appropriate, because whenever we feel like we are out of control or being controlled too much, this is when people can act out. And it's no different if you think about yourself, I mean, nobody likes to be told what to do. Nobody likes to be controlled, nobody likes to be told that they're wrong, so when this happens, we sometimes will act out, and we need to understand that when we are acting out of frustration to this, that we need to create a boundary for ourselves. And I was just talking to a client yesterday, and she was talking about when she gets the barrage of texts from her ex and she calls them Textmageddon, which I thought was so funny. I call them nasty grams, but in that moment, when we feel out of control, because there's this bombardment of things happening to us, it's understanding in that moment, we need to create constraints and boundaries for ourself. What might that look like? Well, for this client, it look like not responding to those texts or allowing herself to read through at one time, and if there was anything that needed to be addressed immediately, she would address it, otherwise she was gonna get rid of them and not read it again, as a matter of self-protection, as a way to regulate herself emotionally. The third thing that might be behind any behavior, kid or adult, is skill building. Is there a skill that's needed? Or missing? And so this comes out of really starting to understand, sometimes we just don't have the skill to do something and we need to learn it. And so when a child is acting out or frustrated or melting off... It might be because they don't have the skill that's required to do what we ask, and so often we get caught up thinking in the quickness, in the fast pace of our life that everybody should just be able to roll with that, but it's not always the case. And sometimes we don't have the skills we need to be able to handle things, and that's what I'm talking about in this episode, is the skills that are needed to be able to emotionally regulate ourselves and to show up as an adult and a whole person. And these skills and things come into play when you look a lot of kids with divorce, they're moving homes, they're losing time with each parent, there might be conflict that's going on, they might be having to learn two different houses, two different sets of rules, it's a lot to navigate. So it's even more important in these situations for us as moms to do the work on ourselves so that we can be that safe, loving, solid place for them to come to and find refuge in. The real fact of the matter is that kids, all kids, they really want to do well and connect, it's a need within them, you look at any little kid and all they wanna do is be loved and do well and explore, and really, adults are no difference, we have that in our core, that we're all really doing the best we can with what we have available at that time. When we know this, and we can start to look behind the behavior, when we can self-regulate ourselves to a point that we are balanced and aligned, that's when we are able to look behind the behavior for our child and to understand what is their need right now. Do they need a connection? Do they need correction or a boundary? Or do they need a skill? Because when we're able to have our energy balance and we're in an aligned state, we're able to attune to their energy as well as ours. Whenever we get caught up in all of this, we need to really ask ourselves, "What am I doing here? Am I projecting? Do I have expectations? Or are there things I need to let go of so that I can have a clear view of the behavior that is in front of me?" Because when we can do this, we can really start to see our children for who they are, which are whole, creative, resourceful, loving beings, just like we are, and when we can see them for that, we start to let go of this need for them to be happy, and we can start to let them be as they are, we can start to let go of needing to fix things when it's not exactly the way they want, and we can allow them to have their journey. We don't necessarily know exactly what they need, they do. And so when we're able to be with them on their journey and to process things, it's a beautiful way for us to be with our children instead of trying to control them. And it all starts with you taking care of you. You deciding to be responsible for the energy that you bring in the world, and you learning the skills to be emotionally regulated, to self-regulate yourself, so that you can be there for them. So that's the show that I have for you today, and I hope I've given you a new perspective on behaviors, on what's going on, and how we can address them. Because if we can start to understand that things aren't necessarily good or bad, that they have to be happy or not happy, but that we can feel all of the things, this is a very empowering place to be living from, and this is the place where we teach our kids to be empowered, to be resilient, to be whole and to be strong. If you wanna hear about any of the free classes or workshops that I offer, please go over to my website and sign up for the three myths of parenting after divorce, and you'll be in list to stay in a note. And one last thing, I ask this each episode, but I really do mean it, if you're receiving value from this podcast, I would be so grateful if you would share it. Really what I want is for this podcast to reach every woman that needs to hear this message, and so if you would share it with them, I would be so grateful. I would really be grateful if you would rate and review it as well, because that helps more women find the show, and that means that we can create more peace and more alignment in the world for us and our children. [music] Thank you so much for spending this time with me, I'm so grateful that you're here, and I'll see you next week. And in the meantime, take great care of you. [music] Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]