Ep #109: Protecting Your Truth

[music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother. And I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Hi, friends. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm excited to be here, and I'm so excited to share something with you. I know I've said and dropped some hints and alluded to this, but I wrote a book and I am so excited. It is called The People Pleasers Guide to Co-Parenting Well, and I am really excited for it to come out. And we now have a date. Yay. December 5th is launch day, and I am so excited to share it with you. If you wanna be on the book squad, part of the book tribe, and help me get this into the world, but also get all of the fun things that are gonna go along with the launch, I want you to be there. So just go to my website, it's www.mikkigardner.com/list, and there you'll get on the list so that you are in the know about all of the upcoming fun things. One of the reasons that I wrote the book is that I really want every woman, every mom, to know that she's not alone in this experience. And I think all too often we can get ourselves into trouble or make things more difficult, or really stunt our healing because we are so craving community and change and transformation and frankly, just being heard. And that's what I wanted to talk about today, is protecting your truth and specifically protecting your heart. Because all too often what I see is when I'm talking with moms they really want to be understood. They wanna be validated. They want to know that their opinions matter. They wanna know that the way they're feeling is valid. That it matches what's happening. But all too often what's actually going on is they're asking this of the exact person who hurt them in the first place. And that's not the person who's gonna protect your truth or protect your heart. And so I was talking with a client about this, and I thought this is a really important topic that I wanted to share with you. And it certainly, in the book, I go through so many different ways as it relates to people pleasing, which many of us are people pleasers, on how that impacts us. And so today I wanted to talk about really learning how to protect your truth, when really what you want is to be heard, to be valued, and to be honored. So have you ever found yourself in this situation where you're like, "Okay, this is the time that I'm gonna speak up. I'm gonna say what's really going on. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. I'm not gonna lie. I'm gonna be honest." And then you blurt it all out there, and then the other co-parent or the other person turns it around and throws it back at you, and you're like, "No. Didn't you just hear I was being honest, I was being vulnerable, I was being truthful?" But they throw it back and attack you. Well, here's the thing. That wasn't a person to share your truth with. And what do I mean? The only person that you wanna share your whole truth, your real truth, all of the things that you feel, are the person who has earned the right to hear it. Let me repeat that. The only person that gets to hear your truth is the person who has earned the right to hear it. How do people earn the right? Well, they show that they have the capacity to hold someone else's truth. They show that they have the ability to listen without criticism or blame or attack. And they have shown that they know how to support you and what is good for you. Now, I'm not saying that you're just looking for a yes person. No. But you're looking for somebody who has the capacity to hear it, the ability to listen, and the wherewithal to support you. And so when we start to decide, "Well, when should I speak up? How should I speak up?" Especially in co-parenting relationships, you may have like me, and like so many of my clients, spent years of not speaking up, years of just keeping the peace at your own expense. And now you're like, "No. No more. I don't wanna do that anymore. I'm sick of it." Or you say, like my client just said to me earlier, "I've said my truth so many times. I've spoken up and nothing changes." Okay, well, that's falling on deaf ears, and she's putting herself in the position to be hurt over and over and over again, and that's not moving her forward. So first and foremost, before we are even vulnerable with someone, before we speak up and speak our truths, there's a couple of things we have to understand. One, we have to be clear as to why we're doing this. Why is it important for you to speak up? Why is it important for you to share your truth? Now, I'm not saying that you talk yourself out of it, but we have to know why it's important. And then we have to be discerning and to really decide what needs to be shared, how much needs to be shared, and again, has this person earned the right to hear that? And the last thing that we have to do when we're willing to speak up and speak our truth is to also learn how to create the emotional safety for ourselves to do so. And what do I mean by this? Well, to speak up, to be honest, and to tell our truth, it's vulnerable. And I know that's a big word that's thrown around a lot lately. Like, "Oh, just be vulnerable." Well, no. Being vulnerable is scary as hell. We all know this. Exposing ourselves to be seen is terrifying, but we can learn to do it when we're discerning, when we have decided to share in a space that is safe, when we have said to ourselves, "This person has earned the right to hear my truth and therefore I'm willing to be uncomfortable in their presence. I'm willing to be uncomfortable within myself and create the safety I need to move forward." And sometimes you're like, "Well, what does that even mean?" Well, I like analogies. I think you know this by now, if you've listened to a lot of the podcasts. But it's like having a door. A lot of us think that we are either vulnerable or not vulnerable. The door is either opened or closed. But what we wanna learn to do is to create this safety within ourselves to learn to be discerning, and to protect ourselves so that we install a screen door. That way we can enjoy the breeze that's coming in. We can enjoy the fresh air that's coming in through the door, but there's a screen there to filter off all the bad stuff. So that we're not being attacked by the little bugs and debris coming in. So your door can still be open, but you've got that screen there to protect you. You can crack the door and only let a little air in and keep your screen closed, or you can open it up but still have that screen there. And that's what I want you to do, to learn to be protective of you within your co-parenting relationship, so that you can open that door, so that you can be more honest, so you can be more flexible, so that you can be more solutions-oriented. At the same time you have your screen in place so you know with confidence you're filtering out the majority of the crap that the other co-parent might be bringing in. So how do we get here to a place where we can open and close our door with our screen door securely attached? Well, it's going back to this idea of being very clear. As to not just getting to a point where you're like, "I can't take it anymore and I have to speak up." That's coming from a very reactive place. Versus, "I am putting a stake in the ground. I am no longer participating in X, Y, Z, and I'm going to speak up." Or, "I'm going to share my truth from a place of discernment." A lot of times what we do is we just wanna be heard. We just wanna know that... We just wanna be heard so badly by the other co-parent or by the other person because we wanna feel validated. We wanna know that the way that we're feeling sort of makes sense. We want them to understand, we want them to agree with and see and be like, "Oh, okay, I see why you feel that way." But oftentimes that other person doesn't have the capacity or the willingness or the wherewithal to do it. And so to share in that way could be, and most likely, could get thrown back in your face, which doesn't feel protective. It just actually reinforces the narrative that I can't speak up because it's never gonna be received. Versus being very, very clear on what needs to be shared and why. We can still have a conversation about a topic or something that's going on, or an issue with the kids without creating a lot of vulnerability in ourselves to have information thrown back, or to come from a place of needing to be justified, or needing to be heard, or needing to be validated from a place of neediness versus a place of strength to say, "I'm gonna figure out the solution here. I wanna be part of the solution. So I'm willing to be honest. I'm willing to push back. I'm willing to have a conversation and maybe some conflict. But I'm not willing to put myself in a position where I'm gonna be attacked, blamed, or demeaned." And this is what I mean by protecting your heart and protecting your truth. There are ways to go about communicating, and there's lots of episodes on communication from a place of strength. And part of it is knowing when we need to be heard, when we need our truth to be out there, and then who are we doing that with? Again, has the person earned the right? So first and foremost, we get clear on what is it that needs to be shared and why. And if that is something that you can do for yourself, amazing. If it needs to be something that you do with another person, okay, well, then we have to decide, is this person, have they earned the right to hear my truth? Have they shown the ability to listen? Do they have the capacity to hear and be open? And are they supportive? Again, not a yes person, but someone who is someone that you value. And another question to look at when you're thinking about sharing or being honest, you look at the other person and say are they living in a way aligned with their values and with yours that you admire, that you agree with? Is that person living in alignment? And if so, that would be someone's opinion that you trust. But if the person isn't, if they're living a life that you don't agree with, or isn't in aligned with your values, or you think is a complete hot mess, we don't want their opinion. We don't want... That's not someone that we're gonna share our full truth with. Again, and when I say share the full truth, it's really putting yourself out there to be open, to be honest, to be vulnerable. That doesn't mean we can't be in relationship with other people. It's just the degree to which you are willing to show yourself. We need to learn to be protective of that, because oftentimes we think we have to just lay it all out there or not say anything at all. But it's learning how to install that screen door so that you can show up, so that you can engage in ways that are healthy and moving you forward and protective. So if you decide that you are gonna share your truth regardless of how it is received on the other end by that other person, it's really important that you are committed to supporting yourself through it. Oftentimes, we'll be vulnerable or we'll say something, or we'll set a boundary, and then afterwards we're like, "Oh. Gosh. I wish I didn't do that. It was so uncomfortable. I wish I could take it back." And we just run for the hills. No, it's important in those moments to stop and to be with yourself, to say, "I just stood up for myself. I just spoke up. I was just honest about how I was feeling, and that feels really uncomfortable, and that's okay. I can take care of myself here." You tell yourself the truth that you needed to share. You share that truth with yourself first and foremost. Oftentimes, we're looking for other people to validate what's going on for us, or validate our feelings, when really we just need to be honest with ourselves about, A, how we're feeling, and then, B, take care of that. Hold yourself accountable, show up, be consistent, start to do the little things to love and care for yourself and to honor how you're feeling, to honor what's going on for you, and to keep showing up. Because the more and more you do that for yourself, I promise you, the less you'll need from other people to do it. Because oftentimes we're just looking for the other person to agree with us so that we can feel right. Well, you get that choice in and of yourself when you support, care for, and protect yourself. So the next time you find yourself saying, "Oh, I just I have to speak up," or, "I can't keep doing this," or, "I'm scared to say this because I don't know what's gonna come back." I want you to stop and I want you to take a breath, and I want you to walk through this. Decide what is it that I really wanna share, and why do I wanna share it? What am I hoping for? How do I wanna feel after doing so? Really take the time to get clear on what that looks like, and then ask yourself, "Has this person earned the right to hear that?" And with a co-parenting partner, a lot of times the answer is gonna be no. So then you decide, well, what is appropriate to share, or what is necessary to share? Sometimes we don't have to share at all. Sometimes we just have to learn to stand on our own two feet and keep moving forward. Sometimes we need to share, and when we do deciding how much do I share, what is the context that I do it, and how do I support myself through it? Because we can't manage how they receive the information or react, but you absolutely are in control of how you show up and how you protect yourself and your truth. You can do this, my friend. I know that it can be intimidating, and I know that it can be completely scary. Listen, I've got 47 years under my belt of not a lot of speaking up and just in the past few five years have learned how to really start to do that. And it's uncomfortable and it's messy, and I make mistakes. And sometimes I just keep my door closed, and sometimes I fling it all the way open and forget to install the screen. But I just want you to know that you can, and then you can enjoy all the fresh air and the cool breeze that you want. And remember, I'm always here for you, rooting for you, supporting you, and cheering you on. I love you. I know that you can do this. I know that you are an extraordinary parent and co-parent, and I hope that you are getting value and some inspiration from these podcasts. And if there's anything that you wanna hear, any topics you have, go to the link and you can leave me a voicemail because I'd love to talk about a topic that's important for you right now. Until next time, take really, really good care of you, friend. Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. [music] Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]