Ep #70: Problem vs Solution Mindset

[music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready. And let's dive into today's episode. [music] Welcome back to the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast, and episode number 70. How many times do you find yourself thinking about co-parenting, worrying about the problems in your co-parenting, talking about these problems with other people, trying to change whatever it is that you're doing to make the problem go away? Well, I'm guessing for a lot of you, it's a lot of time, and if you find yourself here, then today is the episode for you, because we're gonna help you work on creating a mindset that supports and creates cooperative co-parenting no matter the situation, and even if you feel like, "Mikki, I'm way better about this than I used to be," I would still keep listening, because the tools that I'm gonna offer today make powerful shifts and will benefit your co-parenting, your kids, your friends, your family, and most importantly, you. But before we dive in, I just wanna thank you for being here with me. I love spending time with you each week, it's why I keep recording these, and I love hearing from you and getting those messages, emails asking for new topics, or getting on clarity calls with you and hearing about what you're learning from these episodes and what you want more of. And I am so, so glad that you're finding value here, and that's why I keep recording these. But for me to do that, I need your help. If you're feeling generous, I would be so grateful if you would rate and subscribe to the show. This is what helps other moms find this show. So, for us to be able to feel better about co-parenting, to know how to co-parent better, to be less lonely, and have less conflict, and to share that with other moms, I would be so grateful if you would rate and review the show so that others can find their way here too. So today, what we're gonna talk about is really where are you focusing. Are you focusing on the problem or all the problems in your co-parenting, or are you focused on the solution? Here's the thing, where your attention goes, your energy flows. I heard that in yoga, but it's so true. Our mind is like a flashlight, wherever we direct the light and look, that is what it's going to believe is true and look for more evidence to support it. So whenever we have a thought in our head or we're introduced with something, so let's say that we think that there is a problem or the other co-parent is being aggressive or combative or just a plain jerk, whatever it is that we think the problem is, so to speak, that thought gets introduced into our brain and then it's like a little spider web, is scattered in our brain, and it starts collecting all the evidence to support that thought, and so whatever you ask your brain, it will find. So when we are constantly focused on the problems, constantly focused on what is wrong, what isn't working, it's like we've just tuned our channel on a TV or on a radio to find more of it. It's like we've just plugged into that and we're listening to it all day, every day. And when we do that, we just create more and more evidence, we get more and more stuck, we believe stronger and stronger that the problem is the problem, but essentially what this is doing, it isn't allowing us to be able to see the solution. So what we wanna learn to do is actually change the channel or direct our thinking in a different direction. We wanna choose to be part of the solution. We wanna shift our focus from problem to solution. We wanna shift our mindset from fear to love. We wanna shift from combative-ness and conflict to cooperation. And so that's what we're gonna talk about today is the mindset shifts that we have to make to be able to set ourselves up for more cooperative co-parenting. But to do this, we have to be intentional, we have to be decisive. We have to let ourselves not know the exact solution maybe because oftentimes we don't know. If we did know, we've already do it, right, you're like, "Mikki, okay, if I knew the solution, I would be going there." I understand that, right? But we also... To be able to find the solution, it's like we have to start looking at the breadcrumbs. So we have to start finding it in that start was shifting our thoughts, shifting our focus and our perspective, because when we have a different thought, it creates a different feeling. When we have a different feeling, it creates a different action, and when we do different things, we get different results, right? So if we're always focused on the problem and trying to "fix the problem" in our co-parenting, we're having very repetitive thoughts oftentimes, "Here we go again. I can't believe he's doing this again. How could she possibly think this." All of those things. They're very familiar. They're very ingrained. So when we have those thoughts, we feel similar ways, the frustration, the helplessness, the resentment, all of those things, and when we feel those feelings, what do we do? We continue to do what we've done, we continue to cycle through the actions, whether it's be actually contributing to the problem, or maybe it's trying to people please our way out of it, whatever it is, we're getting those actions, which creates more of the same. So, we end up creating more problems within the problem. And so what we wanna talk about today is really, how do we start to shift? And what I wanna offer you is this idea that sometimes we don't have to know exactly how to shift to be able to get headed in a direction that we actually wanna go. What do I mean here? Well, like I just said a second ago. So many times I can get on a call and I ask people, "What do you think the solution is?" And they stare at me like a deer in headlights. Well, it's not really a deer at headlights. They stare at me like, "Are you not so smart? What's going on with you?" [chuckle] If I knew the solution, why would I be talking to you? But here's the thing, the solutions lie within you, you are the one with all of the answers for what's going on for you, but all too often, they're covered up by all of these other thoughts, all of these other problems that are just contributing to more and more mess. So what we wanna do is learn how to shift our perspective, shift our mindset, so that we can start to look at what is available to us, where we can start to find the solutions, and what I wanna offer you is one tool to do that, is to shift into compassion. I might have just lost you there, but stay with me here. I know this is a little bit of a jump and you're like, "Compassion Mikki, seriously? Are you gonna tell me just to love everyone?" Well, maybe a little bit, but don't panic, let's just stay with this thought for a second. So what is compassion? Oftentimes, people think compassion and sympathy are the same thing, but they really are very different. Sympathy is like, "Poor you. Oh, poor me." Where compassion is, "May you be well." "Fundamentally, I wish you well and I want good things for you because you understand that that means good things for me." The difference is subtle, but significant because sympathy zaps our energy, where compassion boosts it. So, the definition that I really like of compassion that scientists have come up with is compassion is an act for moving from judgement to caring, from isolation to connection, from difference to understanding, from problem to solution. So do you see how this compassion can do that? So let's step back and talk a little bit about what is compassion and how can we create it? So compassion is not something you either are or aren't. It actually is something that you can cultivate, kind of think of it as a way to train your brain to be kinder. And honestly, in this world, kindness is something we all need more of. Compassion to me kind of gives us a little bubble that we're in, that protects us from the negativity, that protects us from all of the bad juju, so to speak, that goes around, that we can bump into during the day. When we have more compassion, the problems are less like mountains and more like molehills in front of us, and when we are practicing compassion, we're more able to see ourselves in others, and then when we can do that, we let things slide kind of off of our backs. I don't mean let things slide, let people just off the hook, but we don't hold on to it so much. But compassion is really something that we have to cultivate, that we have to intentionally create more of, and compassion is also deeply rooted in the idea that we are all the same. And I know I've said this before on this podcast, but this is a fundamental belief that I actually have changed and started to understand later in my life, but we are not separate from one another. We are all created from source, source being the same energy. Whatever you wanna call that, whatever religious or non-religious beliefs you have, science has showed us that we are all just energy. We all boil down to an atom, and an atom is 99% energy and 1% particle. And they even have a hard time knowing if that particle is really matter or not, if it's really physical because it moves so quickly. So when we understand that we are all essentially at our core, the same, this is when we develop compassion, because we find connection between us. So going back to this idea that compassion is really this act for moving from judgement to caring, from isolation to connection, from difference to understanding and from problem to solution, when we start to practice compassion more and more, our emotional landscape, so to speak, gets a lot lighter, a lot happier and more balanced long-term, because we're inducing feelings of being more connected to everyone and everything. We stop seeing ourselves as so separate, so isolated, so alone, and we stop seeing things quite so threatening, and we start noticing kindness, we start noticing where people are trying. It actually just helps us be lighter, it lightens our load. And when we are feeling lighter and our load is a little bit lighter co-parenting becomes less cumbersome, it's like we can start to move through it without it weighing us down to the point that we feel like we can't even put one foot in front of the other. So when I was researching compassion, I was looking back into all of my positive psychology notes and going through this, but there was something that popped up when I was reading the six-phase meditation method. It's by Vishen Lakhiani. I think I said that wrong, I'm really sorry. But he's the founder of Mind Valley, and he pointed out something that I thought was really interesting. It's called the fundamental attribution error. It's basically how we misjudge others, and at the same time make a lot of excuses for ourself, and I found this fascinating. So basically, our brains are really sneaky in this way of self-glorifying things for ourselves, and it's called the fundamental attribution error. So let's say you're driving down the street, right, and somebody cuts you off on the highway and you immediately blame them, you're like, "What a jerk," hopefully in your head. Not in front of the kids, but I will say I've done that. I think actually very recently and caught myself. But in other words, we assume that they have a character flaw that made them do this, they're rude, they're arrogant, they're inconsiderate. They're selfish, right? But when you're the one that cut somebody off in your head, you're like, "Oh God, so sorry, sorry, sorry." Whether it's an accident or not, you'll justify it, "Oh, I'm just getting used to this new car," "Oh, I was really... I didn't sleep well last night. I just kinda wasn't paying attention or I misjudged the space. You find all of these excuses for why it was just an accident for you, but when someone else does it, it is this major character flaw. When it's them, they're rude and obnoxious and evil, but when it's you, it was just kind of unfortunate. It's like, "Oops, sorry." So what I found was, this comes up so often when I'm talking to clients in co-parenting. When we do something wrong, "wrong" or make a mistake, we kind of like, "But I'm doing my best, I tried so hard." But when the other co-parent does something, it's like, "Can you believe he did that again, look at how he's always doing that, he's rude. He hates me." And it's this character flaw. Well, when I was reading this, and I found that this is a fundamental attribution error that our brain sort of does automatically, it's this sneaky little thing that our brain does to help us understand what's going on in the world to help keep us safe. If someone does something bad, we wanna self-protect, and so our brain does this, but that doesn't mean that it's true. It's just this little thought error that our brain will automatically go to. So this is why I wanted to bring it up in regards to moving from the problem to the solution, is sometimes we have to be willing to let go of this idea that the other person is fundamentally, has a character flaw, that the other co-parent is fundamentally trying to take us down, and maybe you're like, "I don't really think that." Let's stop for a second. How many of your actions in co-parenting are making that assumption? I know that for so many of my clients that I talk to, they don't even realize it until I point out, "Okay, but here's what you're doing when you're thinking this and feeling this," and it's like, "Oh, right." Light bulb moment. That's why having a coach is so amazing. That's why I have a coach. They can help you see how you're thinking and therefore feeling and acting when you can't see it, 'cause so often these little things are happening in our brain that we're not even aware of. We've sort of put that spider web out to collect all the information about the problem, when that's not even where our focus should be, but we just don't catch it. And frankly, divorce a lot of the time, as well as just growing up in the society that we're in, compassion gets almost trained out of us. And so we actually have to be willing to open up to compassion a little bit more, and again, this isn't to let people off the hook or to say that everyone's looking out for us and has their best interest. No, not necessarily but it's also that you're using a perspective that benefits you. Really, compassion while it benefits everyone, there are a lot of selfish benefits from it, because you just simply feel better, and so we have to be willing to train our muscle to coach your brain into compassion, right? You can program this into your brain because your brain is changeable. Your brain is changing all of the time, and every new thought is creating new neuro pathways, new thoughts in your brain, and so we want to shift this so that we're literally kind of training ourselves out of being a problem, and into being more of the solution. And compassion, I want you to think of as like the act of surrendering to be a better version of yourself, because when you are being warm, that warmth radiates outside, when you're being caring for yourself, you're more caring for others. And there's a lot of benefits to compassion. It actually... You can look younger and sexier just because of compassion. Scientists at the University of North Carolina have proved the compassion actually reverses aging, unbelievable, because it actually changes the length of the participant's telomeres, which are in their brain, and so telomerase shorten naturally over time, but with more compassion you have, you actually keep that length and that actually makes you look younger. So there's a benefit right there. But practicing compassion and becoming more compassionate enhances your levels of optimism and positivity. You develop natural generosity, you have a heightened stress immunity, you're less reactive to annoying things. It reduces PTSD symptoms, it reduces physical pain, and it slows the aging process at a genetic level. I mean, come on, science is telling us that this is a game changer, and I believe it's a game changer in co-parenting. When we are able to increase our ability to find compassion for ourselves and others, because it moves us from being part of the problem into being part of the solution. One of my clients really is a great example of this, when we first started working together, she was like a pendulum. She would go between being really upset with her ex to wishing that she could have him back. On the days that he was nice and being sweet she was like, "Oh, maybe he's turning a corner, maybe this will work. Well, then he'd show the other side of him, and she would get so upset, get sucked into the drama and just completely overreact, and they would go back and forth, back and forth. By learning how to use the tools that I teach my clients in my program and also building and having more compassion, she was able to see him in a different light. She was able to step back and create a buffer. The thing that I think meditation and compassion and all of these things do for us is they create a space between us and what happens in the world, and that space is where we can be responsive. Instead of reactive, we become responsive. So the more compassion she was able to find for him, she automatically found that she was able to hold boundaries for her and her kids in a better way. She was able to have feelings of love for him without wanting to be in love with him or needing his love. She was able to have clarity that she doesn't want any more than a co-parenting relationship with him, because she wants more than he can offer her, but she was only able to gain that kind of awareness when she had the compassion to open up to see things in a different way. When she stopped focusing on the problems and started focusing on what she wanted and the solutions that she could be part of, it was almost as if compassion cut the cord of her being part of the problem, and so I know that this works. I see it each and every day, and as I was reading the sixth phase meditation method, there was all kinds of science behind it, and you get to look younger. So who doesn't want that? So there's a number of ways that you can create compassion. And there's two that I'm gonna suggest. One is actually the sixth phase meditation method. I think it's a really great meditation if you're looking for a new one, also just doing a loving kindness meditation, being able to open yourself up and find more love and compassion in your heart and project that outward, the more that you focus on doing that, it's like building that muscle, and each time you build the muscle, it creates the space between you and the world, and that is the space where you can be responsive. So much of the time I'm talking about response-ability. Response-ability. This is your ability to respond and not react. This is the game changer, this is what we have to be able to cultivate and learn how to do, is learn how to be responsive versus reactive. I've also created a worksheet for you this week and for you to be able to align your co-parenting to the solution, right? Again, to switch our focus from the problem to the solution, and you can find a link in the show notes so you can download it. Really all of this is about you being decisive, purposeful intentional on changing the channel. If you currently have a channel that is all about the problems, we need to switch the channel. We need to turn it. And I'm not talking about toxic positivity here, but turning the channel, moving your focus to what you can do to move into the solution, and again, if you don't know where to go, that doesn't have to stop you, because even just building compassion and practicing compassion creates more solution, because it helps you shift your perspective into a more aligned, aware, empowered space. Instead of being watching the rerun of what hasn't worked, what isn't working, you wanna turn a new channel, a new show, and so that's what this worksheet is meant to do for you to help you get clear and align yourself towards calm, confident and compassionate co-parenting, 'cause that is a game changer. So, that's to show that I have for you today. If you know somebody who could benefit from this conversation, please share it with them, I would be so grateful. Just take a screenshot and send it to them, text it or put it on your socials, and if you do post it on IG, please tag me. I love when you guys do this and we can connect. Thank you so much for spending time with me, I'll see you next week, and in the meantime friend, take really, really good care of you. [music] Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]