Ep #152: Navigating the Path to Healing After Divorce

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a, podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name is Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn, learn what it takes to become a great co parent and an amazing example to your children. Well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

Hi there. I'm excited to talk to you today. Last night, I was having a beautiful conversation at a divorce recovery group, and there were so many people there from all walks of life, all age groups, some co-parenting, some with older kids. It was really a wide mix of people, but the one thing that they all had in common is that they were really wanting to move forward from their divorce and doing it in a way that they could grow, that they could heal, that they could let go of, a lot of the anger and resentment. Those comments and those conversations came up a lot last night. But there was one man in particular who, as we were talking, he said, you know, what you're saying makes sense. And I can see that you have a lot of tools, right? And, you do this professionally, and so you've used all these things. But for someone like me who doesn't have all of those resources, how do I do it? I thought it was such a great question, such a vulnerable question. And I told him I was really reminded that I didn't have these tools either. I've developed them later on my journey, and I didn't have them either. But we find them when we need them. And part of healing is really looking at it from a holistic perspective.

We can't just think our way through it. We can't just feel our emotions all the time. And that's the only thing we do, right. We'd be a puddle, or if we only thought our way through things. Right. We would just be spinning in all of the thinking that we have going on in our head. So it's really this, full holistic approach that we have to look at. And so his question was a good one. How can we start to heal when we're triggered, when we still get overwhelmed with emotion, maybe when we still can't look at the other person? Right. I was talking to him about the fact that my ex-husband and his now wife and my son and I will have dinner at times. It is not every week, it is not all the time, but there are times, right? I invite them over, they come over, we have dinner. And he said, how do you get to that place? How do you get to that place that you can go from where you were so raw and hurt and then get there? And, that's what I wanted to talk with you about today. Because I think this is a question that a lot of us have or we feel like, well, that's just for other people, or other people's situation is easier and so they can do it. But here's what I want to say to you and what I told him last night.

There's a couple angles that we have to have that conversation from. First and foremost, it is a decision. It's a decision that we make of how we are going to heal. One of the first things that I decided after my marriage ended, even when I was in the throes of, feeling all of the anger, all of the betrayal, the devastation, the sorrow, the loneliness, all of it, the one thing that I knew I wanted to do was give my son the best life and the best parenting situation that we could. And I knew to do that, I would have to embrace this new reality and figure out how to move forward co-parenting with my ex. And I didn't know how I was going to do that, right. But I knew somehow that that was one of the keys to it. So it's a decision that we make. Then once we've made that decision of how we're going to go forward, if we want to let go of the bitterness, if we want to let go of the anger, if we want to be able to do things in a specific way, well, then we have to start to look at it holistically. And that's where we can't think or just feel or just act our way into a new reality. We actually have to become that. And that's what we were talking a lot about last night.

What are some of the ways that we can do that? What are some of the ways that we can actually create the space for ourself to heal and to grow and to move forward. And so I wanted to bring a couple of those here in case that might be helpful for you too. So one of the big topics that we talked about that I think is really important in this conversation or any conversation around healing is that it doesn't happen overnight. And especially when we're getting triggered by the other person. Especially when we're getting activated. Maybe we've been really numbing out or avoiding or suppressing for a long time. We can't go into just sort of this space of acceptance and openness and expect ourselves to stay there. So what I was talking to him about is really practicing in advance the skills that you want to have to be able to handle it. So he kept asking me specifically, how do you stay in the same room with the person? Right. So he had experienced infidelity and was really feeling a lot of emotions still around it. And I understand that. Right. It takes a lot of time for those emotions to lessen.

And when we were talking about it, you know, I said to him, it's not really that they ever go away completely. Maybe some of it will, but there might always be some lingering anxiety, some sorrow, some anger. Right? But what we're looking to do is sort of soften the edges of those emotions so they're not quite so prickly. Right? Because when they're prickly, that's when they really get to us. They really hurt us. And so what we want to do is kind of soften those edges a little bit, right. So that we can move through it in an easier way. How do we do that? Well, we don't expect ourselves, when we are feeling activated, when we're feeling sort of prickled by the spiky edges, to be able to let go in that moment, we have to practice in advance. And this idea of practicing in advance is really one of the keys to healing. Because when we are activated, when we are triggered, our thinking brain, we have talked about this a lot on this podcast, has gone offline.

So what we need to do is really have the muscle to be able to bring ourselves back into a calm place, into a rational place, and get our thinking in our rational brain back online. So what are some of the ways that we can do this? Well, learning how to breathe, right? We're all breathing all the time. If you're listening to this, you're breathing, right? As am. I. As I'm talking. But what I mean is intentional breath, right? Using it to calm down, using it to bring yourself back into a grounded space again. Because when we do get triggered, when we do get activated, when we do run into the other person or when we have to have a face to face with them, it's really hard if we are not prepared and we haven't done the work to build the muscle to be able to tolerate that. Right. Or if we're really overwhelmed, having a bad day, whatever's going on, it's even harder.

So building that muscle of being able to bring ourselves into a grounded, calm space is really important. So we talked about breathing. That can look like three deep breaths, in and out, right? Just in through your nose, out through your mouth. It can look like four box breathing, right? Where we breathe in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four, right? And we just do those things. What that is doing is it's calming our nervous system, it's reducing anxiety, and it's really anchoring you into the present moment. So when we get lost in all of those stories, when we get lost in all of the what ifs, when we get lost in the anger, it's really about bringing yourself back to the present moment because this is where your power is so you can get back to that decision of how you want to show up.

Another thing that we talked about is meditation, right? Or even just stopping and scanning your body, doing a body scan that looks like closing your eyes to starting at the top of your head and scanning all the way down through your body, just noticing any areas of discomfort, any emotions that come up. And we don't have to change them, we don't have to fix them, we don't have to move them. It really is just about bringing awareness to those areas of, tension, those areas that might feel tight so that you can connect to what's actually going on in your body. Another thing that we really talked about was, and this is how we close the evening and ah, it's how I'm going to close this podcast.

One of the most important things we can do for ourselves when we are healing from divorce, from betrayal, from loss, from grief. All of these things really encourage self-compassion. And for so many of you listening, I know you are uber compassionate people, right? You are amazing parents who are doing a great job trying to take care of your children. But so often we do not extend the level of compassion that we offer to others, to ourselves. And this is what I told them. You know, it wasn't until I started to have more self-compassion that I actually started to experience healing. Healing on a deep cellular level. I was thinking my way, right? I was trying to figure things out, I was manipulating, I was people pleasing. I was trying to figure out all the different pieces of the puzzle to make everybody happy. But I could never get it right, right? None of us can because we're not in control of other people. And I would blame myself. I would berate myself. I would beat myself up. And all of that just kept me digging a hole deeper and deeper and deeper.

Self-compassion is really the key to moving forward and healing. Because when we can offer ourselves the same grace and love and non-judgment and not blaming, but really stepping into knowing you're doing the best you can with what you have in this moment, and that compassion can help us start to then be even more compassionate to others. When we actually start to give ourselves compassion, then we can actually give it tenfold. Right? And so that's what I was asking him to do last night is start to think of what are the ways that you can create more self-compassion, more love for yourself, more trust in yourself to show up. It looks like starting to build those muscles of awareness, of mindfulness, of being able to bring yourself back in the present moment. When you do get activated or you yell or you get overwhelmed, instead of beating yourself up or reacting or sort of dumping that on other people, really being able to stop yourself, notice what's going on, have the awareness, oh, I'm triggered, I'm activated. Labeling that emotion, identifying it, and then bringing yourself back to that present moment, this is huge. This is where healing lies. This is where all of your power lies. And it really is looking at ways that you can start to develop more compassion, more grace and more space for yourself so that you can then extend that to your children and to everyone else in your life.

You know, I was really amazed last night and I know that you listening are very much like this. You're trying and you're trying to do all of the things and I know that you're doing an amazing job because you're listening and you're learning and the fact that you are trying to do that is a huge plus. So keep going on that. Reach out for help. If there is a local divorce recovery group, right? Or a local parenting group in your area, or an online group, or reaching out to a coach or a therapist. It's just so important that we actually start to give ourselves the tools and the strategies that we need to be able to heal and not beating ourselves up for the mistakes of the past. We can't change it. But what we can do is give ourselves compassion in this moment so that we can move forward as best we can and we can create the life that we really want.

So with that, if there is any way that I can help you, please know that I'm here for you. All you have to do is shoot me an email. Use the link in the show notes to jump on a call. But you're not alone. And that was what I really wanted all the people last night to know. I mean, they were sitting in a room of other people, but they're not alone. Our shared experience and talking openly and vulnerably with one another and honestly and sharing our stories, right, that makes us realize that we are not alone in this. And there is hope, there is light on the other side. And, you know, I told them, I have the perspective of 10 years post-divorce, and that's very different. He was fresh out of it. And in that 10 years, I've made a lot of mistakes and I've learned a lot of tools. And I'm committed to giving back now and supporting parents as they navigate this journey so that their kids are not the ones that bear the weight emotionally of all of this, that the parents can really clean up what's going on emotionally for them and energetically, so that they can show up in a more clean, whole, healed way. And, that's why I do what I do. And I'm committed to doing it in my own life, and I'm committed to doing it in my work and here on this podcast. And I just want you to know that I love you. I believe in you, and I know that you can do this. I'll see you next time.

Oh, and one more thing. The legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to co-parenting with confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com I'll see you next week.