Ep #149: My Back to School Plan

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Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name is Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children? Well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

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Hey friends, and welcome back to the podcast. I'm excited to be here with you today because I am talking about back to school. No, we're not going to go through the list and the supplies. I'm not going to tell you how to make those cute little meals that you see on Instagram so that your kids have the best lunch. No, we're not going to talk about any of those things. What we're going to talk about today is how you can set yourself up for success in this next season. Because I know maybe you're like me trying to eke out every moment of the summer, but life gets in the way. I know for me personally, the summer has been really tumultuous, a lot of ups and downs with my significant other being sick, my son being super busy, work, all of the things. It feels like there hasn't been a summer. And all of a sudden, I see myself with school starting and starting to feel the stress, starting to feel the overwhelm, starting to feel honestly sort of the not wanting to go back, the resistance, not wanting to get back into that schedule, that hecticness. And when I get into these situations where I'm starting to feel really anxious, where I'm starting to feel really stressed, I know that this is a time when I need to step back and create some space and some clarity and some intention so that I can move forward purposefully in the direction that I want to go.

And so that's why I wanted to talk about this today, because I think a lot of us are feeling this way. And when we are going back to school in two homes, or even if you're not divorced and you're just sort of moving into this next phase, it can be really, really overwhelming. And so I wanted to talk about what I do with my back to school strategy for myself. We'll talk about the kids later, but let's talk about our own sort of backpack of tools that we need to be able to move through this next season. And I want to mention one of them that I know is just so valuable and I want to make sure that you know about it, which is a life audit with me. This is a really unbelievable, unique, comprehensive coaching experience that is designed to help you in a very short amount of time, less than two weeks, shift into alignment, and bring more intention, more peace, and more ease into your life right away. Listen, I know that we can all get really overwhelmed, that we can get so busy. Or get so stressed that we sort of shut down. And it's normal. But what I want to offer you is that it doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to wait until you're less stressed or less overwhelmed to make the changes that you need to right now. You don't need to wait for the other people in your life to change or to get on board for things to be filled with more ease.

And you do not have to wait for everybody to agree with you or validate your decisions in order to move forward. If you are ready to make this back to school season less stressful less overwhelming, and just frankly a little bit easier, then I want you to give yourself the gift of an audit. The link is in the show notes. And for back to school, for a limited time, if you book in September, I'm going to offer you 15% off. So go to the link, use the back to school promo code, and get your audit today. So my son is actually going to be a freshman in high school this year. I cannot believe it. I have each of the pictures of first day of school, starting from kindergarten all the way up. We have a picture of him and I. We have a picture of him and his dad. We have a picture of us together. In later years, we have even more people in the picture. Back to school is always one of those sort of those really fun times. And this year, yes, it's fun. But I'm also noticing there's a lot of other stuff going on. He's no longer that little kid that I can put in a cute little outfit and pack his little bag with his little pencil case and his little packed lunch. And off he goes. No, this is different. He's already seeing changes, right? In social situations, there's more stress. There's more expectations. There's more homework. There's more responsibility. There's just a lot more.

And this is a period in life when, frankly, mom and dad, while it appears we aren't needed, as much. I know from the work that I do and the education that our kids need us more now than ever. If you have the older kids, and this goes for younger ones too, they may be really independent. They may be flying off and sort of going into this next phase, but they need you. They need you to continue to be that soft place in a harsh world. And that's what I've noticed about this high school transition. My son's having a lot of feelings about it. Sort of one day it feels one way, another day it's a different way. We're all over the place on this roller coaster. And there are days when I get on the roller coaster with him. And I'm up and I'm down and I'm up and I'm down. But that's not what he needs from me.

What he needs from me is to do my best to be grounded, to be present, to be reassuring, and to support him as he navigates this journey in a different way, more independently and on his own, more than he ever has. And so I know that my job is to let him fly, but me to be here, to hold down the fort and keep that soft place to land. And this even goes for when he's not at my house because I don't have my son all the time. They're shared custody. But just because he's not at home doesn't mean I'm not still present in his life. Doesn't mean that I'm not still creating connection, that I'm not still opening communication, that I'm not still showing up every day as mom, even though I might not be standing right next to him.

This is one of the hardest things that I know a lot of my clients go through is trying to understand what their role is when their kids are not with them. It feels like they're just sort of like off duty at that point. And yes, you do get some time and space to yourself, but it doesn't mean that you don't get to choose how you continue to show up. With that said, I wanted to sort of talk through what I've been going through because maybe you can relate to it. So with all of the stress, with sort of seeing all these different challenges, a new school uniform, having to get everything prepared, I've really been noticing that I'm feeling very different as my son gets older, as he goes into this next phase.

And I realized that it's time for me to assess what season I'm in. And we constantly move into different seasons in life. But the one thing that doesn't change with the season is who I am, meaning who I want to be. The person, the mom, the woman, the partner, the daughter, the friend, who I want to be and how I want to show up in the world doesn't change season to season. But what does change is how I navigate that journey. And so this back to school season is one of those times where I need to stop and reflect about what is the season that I'm moving into that my son is moving into and what is actually needed. Sort of taking inventory of what's next for myself and for my son for myself and for the other kids in my life that I support.

There are so many components that I can get lost in all of those things if I'm not staying really grounded in deciding who do I want to be and what is most important in this next season. After a lot of self-reflection, it's very clear to me that connection is most important in this next season. As we move into back to school and then the holidays and the hecticness, the sports, all of the things happening, connection is what is necessary. That's what I've been noticing with my son as we're talking through what's coming up, what's going on, what's next. Him really wanting to feel connected, whether connected to friends, connected to this new school experience, and really connected to his parents. And so that is my job to cultivate that connection. And when I think about it in relation to seasons, I also have to look at what does that look like? There are times when the season, like fall, when we're sort of slowing down.

The harvest is coming to an end, preparing for hibernation. And then in the spring, you plant the seeds. And then you tend to those seeds, you water them, you pull all the weeds. And then summer time comes around and there's a harvest, there's blooming. So we can see from the four seasons. Things don't happen all at once. And so when I look at this next season, I have to look at what are the seeds that I need to be planting and cultivating and taking care of so that I can have the harvest. So as I look ahead at what is necessary for this season, well, this season comes with a lot of hecticness, a lot of stress, a lot of overwhelm, a lot of emotions. And so again, sort of that connection is most important. That means connection for me with myself, connection with my son, helping my son connect in many ways. And so when I look at that connection, it requires intentionality. It requires preparedness. It requires to be really present so that I can be flexible and move with what's going on. So there's a new schedule.

We all know that back to school schedule and some of us like want to eke out every minute of summer and then boom, right? We have to wake up early for school. We have to get going. The kids are tired, all of the things. So what we want to do is start to see these things in advance and realize, okay, how do I want to show up for them? How do I want to move through them? And expect the issues, expect the hiccups, expect the problems. And that doesn't mean that anything necessarily has gone wrong. It's just a chance to readjust. So we plan, we prepare, we talk a lot. I know that one of the things I've had to learn through mothering is how to open up a conversation and then just leave it. Like maybe start to have a conversation and then let it simmer for a little bit and then revisit it. Sometimes we have to let other people noodle on things and think about it and come back to it. I know my son and I have been having a conversation around some things that have been going on this summer in preparation for school. And it's been really important to just open up the conversation, talk a little bit, and then allow some space.

And this allows him to think, me to think, and then we can come back. So I want to just offer up these ideas because a lot of times we want to just get a schedule, put everything on the books, know that it's all going to be taken care of but that's not how life works. We can't expect everybody to just absolutely go along with what we want, to never have an issue, for everything to be flawless. That's just not realistic. What we wanna do is start to really decide in advance who do I wanna be, how do I wanna show up, what is most important to me, and then allow yourself to work towards one or two of those things. So again, I'm really focusing on connection. What does that mean? Well, it means if it isn't directly helping the connection, either to myself or to others, I'm not doing it right now. I'm gonna say no to things because I need to make sure that I'm here and present and allowing us to move through this transition. And I think a couple other things that are really important is, I can't expect a thank you out of everyone in my life. They're not gonna thank me. And I cannot expect their unwavering participation or them to be like yes to everything. But even when people don't agree, even when they push back, or even when they don't say thank you, how can I still continue to show up and not get derailed and stay the course so that I can continue to be the version of me that is most important for me?

Learning how to adjust to be flexible and to believe that what I'm doing matters. That's part of it here. We get so consumed with trying to make everything perfect and trying to make everything go without a hitch, but it just doesn't work that way. I know for me, there are so many times, just the other day, I totally lost it. I was very frustrated, very overwhelmed. I was looking for a screwdriver, blamed my son because he has been in the toolkit in the past and not put things back. And so I jumped to that conclusion. And then like three days later, do you know, I found the screwdriver in the laundry room where only I would have put it. And I had to go back and apologize. I had to say, okay, really bad moment there. I'm so sorry. And it was days later. But here's the thing. I miss the mark. I mess up. I say things I shouldn't. I get activated. And I do my best to apologize, to repair, to love myself and my family, even when we're triggered. I try to remind myself that we're all doing our best. And that this is a season we're moving through.

And seasons can change, but my values and who I want to be, the version of me that I deeply desire, that isn't changing. That is going to continue to be my guiding light. So when I focus on that, when I focus on how can I show up in a way that really feels good to me and is aligned with who I want to be, I can start to look at what do I want to do to increase connection with this busy year coming up, with this busy season coming up? Well, I'm setting aside time for when my son comes home because he's not with me every night. So I'm setting aside time for us to reconnect, for us to touch base. I'm setting aside time on the weekends to look ahead at the week together. I do this in my own life, but really inviting him into it. To say, what's coming up? What do you need? How can I support you? And also to do the same thing, here's the support that I need from you. Limiting screens and phone time, is hugely important, especially when things get really hectic and schedules are hectic and things are more overwhelming. We have to put those things down to stay connected and to stay grounded.

And listen, it can be just 10 minutes of no phone time, but 10 minutes of no phone time, no screens, and just connecting with each other, whether that's on a walk, whether that's over a meal, but intentionally setting aside that time is so important. And again, opening up the conversations. With the little ones, these conversations just sort of happen and they're younger and they're smaller. But as our kids get older, these conversations that we need to have with them are about the big topics, about the big things going on in their lives and being that safe, open space for them to hear. I know for us, we're starting to talk about there's been parties where we're hearing about kids drinking alcohol and vaping and other things going on. So having those conversations about what are you going to do if you're in that situation?

What's our plan? What do you need? How do you want to move through that? Really starting to open up those conversations. Same goes for school. What's going to happen when it gets hard, when you don't want to do your homework? Maybe you're not doing great on a test. What are you going to do to support yourself to make sure that you can move through it? These are the conversations our kids need us to be having with them. And those only happen when we really are present and hearing them. And I know that in my own life, there's so many times when I just want to talk and fix and try to move through it quickly, but they actually don't need that from us. Again, our kids need us to be that safe space in a harsh world. And that requires us to do a lot of listening and a lot less talking. A lot of listening to what's going on for them and supporting. And so as I move through this next season, I know that for me, it's going to be really important to continue to show up, to be present, to be grounded, even in the times that he's not with me, even when he's away to continue to let him know that I'm here and for me to continue to support myself so that I am resourced, so that I am supported and so that I am ready to be the kind of mom that I wanna be, to move through this hectic season with as much ease and grace as I can. And it's possible. And it's possible for you too.

And here's the other thing I want you to know, that you're not alone in this journey. It helps to have someone by your side. And I know for so many of you that are co-parenting, you don't have that co-parenting partner that is by your side, maybe supporting you along the journey. And it is so important that you have that. And if you need support in any way, please, please, please do yourself a favor and book a call with me or another coach or therapist to say, I need some help to make sure that I'm moving through this season so that I'm supported so that I am fully resourced. So I have the capacity to really keep going so that you have the capacity to show up for your kids full of love and energy. You are completely capable of it. And I hope that you will make sure that this season you're going into it ready and prepared by slowing down, by taking stock of what's going on, of really choosing how you wanna show up in this next season and then building a roadmap to do it. If you need help, I am here for you. Either book a breakthrough call with me or grab one of those audits that I offered at the beginning of the episode. But most importantly, your kiddos need you. They need you to help them move through this next season and each of their seasons. And you are the perfect person to do it. I love you so much. I'm wishing you all the best. And I'll talk to you soon.

Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.

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