Ep #24: Making It Through the Days When You Just Can’t

Hi, I'm Mikki Gardner, and this is the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast, episode number 24: Making It Through the Days When You Just Can't. [music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a Certified Life and Conscious Parenting Coach, with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Welcome, friends. I cannot believe that we are at episode number 24, almost 25. I've heard from so many of you over the last couple of months on how this podcast is really changing your experience, helping you think differently, and how you're sharing with friends and family, and I cannot tell you how much that means to me. And I'm really so grateful for those of you who took the time to leave a review. The reviews mean so much to podcast because it helps me deliver more of what you wanna hear, but when you rate and review, it also helps other moms and women find the show, so that we can create more peace and alignment in this world for us and our kiddos. Isn't that what we're all really after? And in honor of this, I wanted to do a shout-out to one of the listeners, and I love the name, Armpit 91. Her review, she said, "Yes, Mikki has a realistic and thoughtful approach to co-parenting, thank you for being real with your listeners. I'm inspired each episode." I'm inspired by you, and I'm so grateful that you took the time to review this. I wanted to thank you for taking the time to review the podcast, and I am so grateful, and I just wanted to give you a shout-out here on the podcast today. Couldn't we all just use a little bit of a shout-out sometimes? I know I could. And that leads me directly into the topic of this podcast. Have you ever had one of those days when you wake up and you just can't? You can't do any of the things, handle the people, work, being your best self, raising the kids, putting the dinner on the table, dealing with your ex, getting out of bed, frankly? All of it. I get it, I've been there. And if I'm being really honest, with all that's going on in the world right now, it's so hard not to be profoundly impacted on a cellular level. It's got me thinking recently, I remember back to when I was newly divorced, and I was really in the mode of muscling my way through everything. And when I say muscling, I mean it. I mean, I worked harder, I doubled-down on everything. I worked out more, I pushed my body to the edge. I was partying more than probably I should have been, or that my body could handle, but I just kept pushing and pushing and pushing. Why? Well, I now realized I was doing it so that I didn't have to feel what was really going on for me. Recently I found myself really struggling again in my own life, I had a little bit of an accident, it was, I call it dog versus knee, and the dog won. And I ended up having this accident and then 12 days later, emergency surgery that probably should have happened before, and now I'm into a two-month recovery of not walking. I literally can't do things, because I'm not able to walk. And I found myself wanting to do all the things that I normally do, but I just... I'm not able physically, and I'm not able to mentally or emotionally. And I've been really sad. And some mornings, it's hard just to get out of bed, to be mom, to do all the things that I need to do, to work. And I've had to dig really deep in my toolkit, my emotional toolkit as I call it, to manage this experience. This toolkit is so crucial in my own life, and this is what I help my clients build for themselves, because when we have the tools and the skills at our disposal to navigate any experience that life is gonna throw at us, we are simply just more confident versions of ourselves. Why? Because we have the innate sense of trust to show up, to have our own back and to solve our own problems. Isn't this what we all want? But there's days when it is harder than others, and I know that with the experience I'm going through recently, I've been feeling more of those days than not, when it just feels like I can't. And so that's what I wanted to talk to you about today. I wanted to help you for those mornings that you wake up and you just can't. And so the first tool from the toolkit that's so important is the tool of awareness, and I know we've talked a lot about this in other podcasts, and you can go back to those, but I really wanna talk about it in relation to those mornings when you just wake up and maybe you feel really anxious, maybe you are feeling really stressed, maybe you're feeling just so sad. I remember those mornings when I was newly divorced, when I would wake up and my son wasn't home, and honestly, I didn't wanna get out of bed, I didn't wanna do anything, I was so upset with my life, I was so depressed and feeling so alone that I just wanted to pull the covers over my eyes and just forget about it. So the first thing that I wanna offer you is just the awareness around when we feel this way. And what does that awareness look like? It means just witnessing yourself having the feeling, it's having compassion that you are human, having a human experience. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't be feeling this way, or that you should, or that you need to change it, or that you don't. It just means that you're a human and you're having this experience. And when we can stay with ourselves and witness it, and again, have that compassion, it's a game-changer. Maybe not in the moment. When I say game-changer, people wanna know, "Well, how can I feel better? What's gonna make me feel better?" Well, quite frankly, maybe not a whole lot, and maybe it's not that it's gonna be a huge difference in that moment, but maybe it's a small shift and that's what the tools can start to do, 'cause those little shifts over time make huge results. So I wanna talk about some things that we can do on those mornings when we just don't wanna get out of bed, or we're feeling super anxious, or maybe you're having a health problem, maybe feel a headache coming on, or you're feeling a little sick, or you're having physical pain. But there are a few things that we can do to get out of our own way. And what do I mean? Well, to get up, a lot of times we wanna hit snooze and we wanna lie there and we wanna forget about the world, but sometimes the best thing we can do is just to say to ourselves, "I'm feeling X whatever the feeling is," and then choose to get up, go have a shower, clean yourself up, put an outfit on that makes you feel good, get your hair done, put your make-up on, and just get ready for the day. It doesn't mean you have to do anything after that, but just doing that, saying to yourself, that, "I can feel anxious, I can feel worried, I can feel stressed, I can feel not okay, and I can still with compassion and awareness get up and put myself together and prepare for my day, because it makes me feel better." And if you've gotten this far, there's other things that we can do. I always recommend making your bed in the morning. Why? Because it's nice to come back to a bed that's made. It's like being at a hotel, when you come back and housekeeping has made the bed and everything's perfect and ready for you. It's the same idea, it's deciding in advance, "I'm gonna do this for myself, so that when I come back tonight, everything is ready for me in a clean, warm, inviting space." So even when we don't want to, make the bed. Maybe it's just going downstairs and doing a little something, maybe we don't feel like doing a full work day, but maybe we can do a little something, whether it's clean up around the house. I know the last thing you wanna do is clean up or do things, but actually deciding in advance, "I'm still gonna do this for me, because I'm still going to create a clean space for myself that makes me feel better." These are all little things that even when we don't feel good, when we can do them for ourselves, for our future self, it actually makes us feel better in the moment. But one of the things that I really love and is a tool that I pre-accident used everyday, was a walk. Everybody, maybe you're a runner, maybe you're a hiker, whatever it is, but on those days when you're feeling really stressed, anxious or worried, the best thing you can do is get outside, get outside in nature to go on a walk. Not to push yourself or to think your way through your walk, but just to go out and be in nature, to notice what you see around you, the noises, the temperature, the animals, whatever it might be, but just being out in the fresh air is so good for you. I remember my high school German teacher would always say, "Frische luft ist gut," and it means fresh air is good, and she would open the windows for 10 minutes of class every day, no matter what the weather. And I grew up in Michigan, so I'm telling you, I got pretty cold on some of those days. But she'd always say that to us, "Just 10 minutes of fresh air will make you feel better for the rest of your week," and I've really held on to that. And this is one of those things that's so important, that as we're having those days when we feel like we just can't, and we're aware of our feelings, we allow ourselves to witness ourself having the feeling, when we're having compassion for ourself that we're human having a human experience, and we're not trying to change it or anything else, but just going out on that walk and allowing ourself that experience, that allowing ourselves to witness what's happening for us, can be so transformative. Another thing I think that we can do on these days that's so important, is to call a friend, or your coach. It's not calling to have them fix it, but it's just saying, "I need you to listen, I just need to be heard, I need someone to know how I'm feeling today." Just being willing, again, to be a human, having the human experience reaching out to another human who might be able to say, "You know what, me too." And it's so important because so often we don't wanna burden other people with our problems or maybe, "I've complained too much about this and I can't tell anybody anymore," or we don't want to admit how we're really feeling. And I understand all of those things, but when we tell ourselves that we're the only one, when we keep ourselves locked in to feeling that we're all alone in the journey, it feels worse, and so just being able to call someone, again, whether it's a friend or a parent or a coach, and just saying, "This is what's going on, I don't need you to fix it, I just wanted to tell you," and to have them listen and hopefully say, "You know what, I understand, and me too," can be such a connective point for us. The truth is, is the depression, anxiety, excessive worrying, all of these things are made worse when we resist them, or when we overly attach to them, or when we try to act like they're not happening. And so, really, what we've been talking about over the last couple of episodes and these tools that I wanna give you today is that we have to separate from them, we have to be willing to witness them outside of ourselves through that non-attachment, to see that it's just a feeling that we're experiencing. It's not our entire existence. It won't be like this forever and ever and ever. And we have control, when we don't try to muscle our way through it. You know that depression, the anxiety and the excessive worrying? I've experienced all of those things. And what I've noticed as I've been navigating this new experience in my life with the accident, is that I've started to have all of those same feelings, they've all been coming up over and over quickly again. And so I've been doing a couple of different meditations each morning to help myself process and navigate through this, and there were a couple of things that came up during them that really have reminded me of why I do this work, why I create the toolkit for myself, why I help clients create the toolkit for themselves. It's because the moment that we loosen our grip on our negative thoughts, we're free. As long as we stay attached to them, we are attached, we're fused and we're controlled by them. It is only from our ability to loosen our grip, to step back, to witness them, to separate from them, that our freedom and our liberation lies. So we have to go easy on ourself, and I want you to go easy on yourself and be kind to all of those thoughts that come up in your mind. Be kind to yourself on those mornings that you just can't. Have compassion for yourself and all that you're going through, just like you have compassion for others, have compassion for yourself and allow yourself the space to move through it, that you don't have to muscle your way through it, you don't have to actually do anything, you get the choice. The fact of the matter is that you don't have to get out of bed, you don't have to pick up the kids, you don't have to make a gourmet meal for dinner. All of those things are choices that you can choose to do or not to do, but we forget that we have that choice. And so just being honest with yourself about it. The number one thing that I see that you wanna do on those days when it is all just too much, is to go to bed early. [chuckle] I know I sound like your grandmother, but this is a game-changer, and this is so crucially important, because this is when I see so many of my clients start to over-drink, when they eat too much, when they stay up binge-watching Netflix, all in the effort to avoid, or because they feel somehow entitled to just, "It's been too much, I'm just gonna blow it all off and numb myself." Which, okay, fine, it's certainly an option and absolutely is a choice available. But what I wanna offer you is do yourself a favor and go to bed, go to bed early and get a fresh start. Even if you have trouble sleeping, just witness yourself that you're a human having a human experience of struggling to sleep, and it's okay, because the next day is gonna come, and all the things that you may have done or not done will still be there. And you can beat yourself up about what you didn't do, you can beat yourself up about how you stayed up too late, how you drank too much wine, or how you ate all the ice cream because you just didn't go to bed early. So if you decide to do a little bit today, like I was talking about, making the bed, doing the dishes, cleaning up around the house, it's like giving your future self a little bit of love, even on those days when you feel like you can't. Because the next time that you feel like you can't, you're gonna have a little bit more evidence that you did. And on those days that you show up with kindness and compassion for yourself, when you actually choose to put yourself to bed early, versus staying up and having that bottle of Chardonnay, you're gonna thank yourself in the morning, it's like giving yourself the gift, even when it feels really hard. Trust me, I've been there, we've all been there. I talk to clients every day, that say, "I just keep doing the same thing over and over and over, and I don't understand why it's... Why, they're not changing or I'm not changing, why I can't just get myself to do this." Well, sometimes we can't muscle our way through it. Sometimes there's those days when it all really just does feel like too much. And instead of trying to force ourselves, instead of trying to beat ourselves up and telling ourselves that if we were only different or better or more this or more that, that we could get it done. If we just allowed ourself to be where we are, to witness it, and to be kind and compassionate towards ourself, imagine how much different you would feel in that moment, and if you felt differently, you know what you would do? You would act differently. And when you act differently, you get different results. And so it always goes back to that, when we're aware of how we're thinking and we're choosing consciously, we can choose consciously the thoughts and the feelings that we wanna have, which create the actions that create the desired result that we want in our life. So I hope that this episode has offered you a couple of tools to help you through those days when you just can't, the days when you feel so heavy with all the negative feelings, and you can find ways to help yourself move through it, not in a muscling, not in a forcing, but in an allowing, witnessing, aware way. Because the thing is, is that feeling good is your birthright, it is not something that's reserved for a select few people, feeling good is a conscious decision that you make to do the things today, to take the aligned action today, to create the life that you want and to feel better today. So that's the show for you. And I also wanted to say that there are some really exciting fun free workshops that I have coming up in the next couple of months and new opportunities to work with me. So if you wanna be kept in the know on this, just go to www.mikkigardner.com, that's M as in Mary, I-K-K-I G-A-R-D-N-E-R dot com, and sign up for my three myths of co-parenting, and you will be on the newsletter, so you don't miss any of the excitement. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. I'm so, so grateful that we're here together, and I'll see you next week. In the meantime, take really good care of you, friend. [music] Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]