Ep #68: Life Lessons from 2022

[music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive in to today's episode. [music] Welcome back to the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast. This is Episode Number 69. Let me ask you a question, what is your intention when it comes to being a co-parent? Do you intend to be calm, cool and collected, but sometimes you end up completely losing it and feeling like it just came out of nowhere, or do you have every intention of being the mom who gets all of the things done and has tons of energy afterwards, but you are just exhausted from parenting on your own and feel like that's just the way it is now? Well, that's what we're gonna be talking about today, really how we intend to show up as a co-parent and then what we're doing to actually set ourselves up for that. But before we do, I just wanna dive in and say, Thank you for being here with me. I love spending time with you each week, and I'm truly grateful that you're here with me. I know there are a gazillion things you could be doing, and so many amazing podcasts that you could be listening to, and that you're here with me really, really warms my heart. And for all of you that are new, I'm super excited you found the podcast. I talk to new moms all the time through the clarity calls that I offer, and it's almost always from you beautiful listeners, and I love that we can take the conversation here from the podcast onto the Zoom calls. And when this happens, I know that you're getting value from the show, and that is what makes me keep doing this for recording each week. I really wanna make sure that you feel less alone in this co-parenting journey, that it feels less of a fight and to give you ideas and inspiration to make co-parenting just frankly better for you. But to do this, I do need your help. If you've been receiving value from this podcast, I would be so grateful if you would subscribe and rate the show. This truly is the life blood for podcasting because it helps other people find the show. So if you are feeling giving, I would be so grateful to receive a review from you. So again, today we're really talking about the intersection of our intention of who we want to be as co-parents and the actions that we're taking in life, and I'm gonna start this with a story. So I don't know how many of you know that I went to culinary school after college, and it was a super fun 18 months. Well, maybe two years with the internship, but it was in San Francisco, I went to the California Culinary Academy and I had a great time. I learned so much, I ate so much. And all we ever talked about was food and wine, and all those fun things. It was awesome. And after that, I did use my degree in my work. But one of the first things that I learned at culinary school is something that I use every single day in my life. And I realized this the other day, and I thought, You know what? This is really where it's at. Little did I know that that chef instructor who kept beating it into me, mise en place, Mise en place, mise en place. I felt like he said it over and over on repeat, but he did repeat it so much that it just became ingrained in me. And so I wanted to offer this idea to you. So the idea is mise en place, what does that mean? It means everything in its place. And so the very first week of school, during our knife skills class, that was the entire week, yes, knife skills, all of it was learning how to begin the idea of mise en place. And this was the idea that everything has to be in its place for you to be able to create these extraordinary culinary treats that we were gonna learn how to make. So it really is setting yourself up with everything you are going to need to be able to create something. So we started this at the beginning of culinary school, and all the way till the end when we were actually running the restaurant at the school, but each night before service, the head chef comes through and checks everyone's mise en place, so whatever your station was in the kitchen, whether you were on salads or proteins or sides or whatever, you had to have everything ready, all of your knives, all of your utensils, you had to have every ingredient prepped and ready to go for the execution when dinner service was gonna begin. And when you had everything laid out, you were going to be successful because you had everything you needed right at your fingertips, you know where it is, and so when everything started to get heated and all the tickets started coming in and everybody wanted their food right then, you are prepared and ready to go. And so you can execute at a very high level when you're prepared and your mise en place is done. Well, what I realize is I use this in my daily life. Yes, in the kitchen, when I'm making dinner for my family or any meal, I get everything set out and then I start. But I do this also in my regular life, and I do it a lot in co-parenting. And so I offer this idea to clients, but I wanted to offer it to you here, is what are you doing to prepare yourself to be a great co-parent? Are your actions and are your intentions lining up? And so when we think about this, we can't be running on fumes, we can't be completely depleted, we can't be totally exhausted and expecting ourselves to show up as the co-parent we wanna be. We can't be ready to engage in a conversation with the other co-parent when we aren't prepared to do it, when we haven't thought it through, when we don't have a plan, when we don't know what our long-term vision and values are. There's a certain amount of foundational work of mise en place that has to go into co-parenting so that you can show up consistently and execute no matter what is happening around you. And so when I ask you that question, how are you preparing yourself to be a great co-parent, what are your intentions that you have, and then what are the actions that you're consistently doing? Now, some of you might say, I'm really setting myself up, I'm trying to do everything, I'm trying to learn and do more. And those of you who have hired a coach, I commend you, there's so many things that we need to do to prepare ourselves to co-parent well. But then there's some that just get overlooked. And that's what I kinda wanted to focus on today. When we think about it, really, we are just animals. We are human beings. We are a soul. That is who we are. I believe that we are all one. We all are cut from the same source, the same energy, but we are all walking around in these different meat suits, these bodies that we're inhabiting, but those bodies are just animals like any other mammal or living being on this planet. And so a lot of the times when we look at ourselves as just as an animal, what we need is pretty basic, water, food, rest, sunshine, exercise, a little love. We're not overly complicated. I know that we feel very complicated and we are complex beings, but so often, I just find that the clients and the women that I talk to, they aren't consistently setting themselves up to be the co-parent they want because they're not giving themselves what they need to be able to execute it, to be able to be there, to put themselves in the position to become a great co-parent. So there's a couple of ideas that I wanted to throw out here. When we think about, again, the idea of mise en place, having everything in its place, what I mean is having everything in its place for you to function at your highest level. And when I say highest level, I'm not saying peak performance all the time. We all fluctuate up and down. I mean, I'm recording this in January, and it is cold and flu season and everyone has been sick and especially post-pandemic. I feel like the illnesses come and just keep on coming, we can't expect ourselves to be at peak performance at all times, but given where we're at at any given moment on any given day, are you giving yourself what you need to be able to keep moving forward? So often I work with clients that are just exhausted, yet they're not sleeping, maybe they're staying up until midnight, 1 o'clock watching Netflix, because frankly, that's way more fun than going to bed or being bored or any of those uncomfortable things. But really what you need is rest, we all need rest, we need to give that to our bodies to be able to be functional the next day. So often we don't give ourselves the food that we know is good for us because it just takes more time, we think or the kids won't eat it, so there's a number of excuses, but then we end up filling ourselves with things that don't feel good, that don't fill us up, that don't really fuel us for our best energy, or maybe we don't drink water, we live on coffee or soda or whatever it is, when really our body is just craving water. And that's what I mean. A lot of times when you stop and you ask yourself, What do I need in this moment? Often times the answer is pretty simple, a walk, some water, some rest, a little bit of peace and quiet. That's where we're not super complex, but are we willing to give ourselves what we need, are we willing to do the things for ourselves that we need to be able to be the best co-parent we can be, to be able to handle the chaos, or the conflict, or the shenanigans of our children or our acts. So I want you to do two things. One, I want you to stop and ask yourself, really just being willing to, out of curiosity, without judgment, just become aware. I want you to put a blank sheet of paper in front of you. And on one side, I want you to write what I want, the intention, who you wanna be as a co-parent. Do you wanna be energetic? Do you wanna be confident? Do you wanna be calm, do you wanna be a problem-solver? Any of those things that you wanna be, you write that on one side of the piece of paper. On the other side of the piece of paper without judgment, we're not looking to judge or blame, but who are you being? What are the things that you're consistently doing, are you fighting, are you blaming, are you not speaking up, are you showing up and addressing the issues, are you problem-solving? Really just getting curious, what is it that I want? And what am I doing? And then when you have those two columns, you can look at, Well, what's different? What isn't lining up? And what do I need more of? Because it's that, what do I need more of? That's your ticket. That is the next clue to direct you in the direction where you're headed. If you're feeling exhausted, you wanna be energetic, but you're feeling exhausted, well, that might mean that you need more sleep, and so figuring out a way that you can get more sleep, maybe you're feeling really depleted. And maybe you just need a little bit of exercise. And so figuring out ways that you can do that. So again, it's not to blame anyone or blame yourself or judge yourself or anything else, it's just looking at who do I wanna be, and who am I being currently? And do they match up? If not, let's just look at one area and try to give yourself a little bit more of what you need. I have created an aligned action plan for you too, that will help you create a plan for how you can take better care of yourself on a daily basis, so that you can actually set yourself up to be the best version of you in that day, because that's all we can really ever do or ever ask for, is just to do the best with what we have and what we have available. I wanna give you an example too, sort of how this played out. I was talking to a client the other day, and she was feeling really, really exhausted, and frankly resentful, resentful of her kids, of her new partner, of her co-parent because she just was tired. She wanted to do something for herself. When I asked her, What is it that you really need? She said, without even hesitation, I need to go to yoga. Because for her, yoga was a place where she could refuel, where she felt safe, where she was doing something for her mind, her soul and her body, and she was craving it, but she wasn't letting herself go. So as we dug into it, we started to understand, Okay, well, when could you go? Do you have support to go? Do you have the time to go? All of the answers were yes, but she still wasn't going. And this is where we started to get really curious. Well, why not? Well, because she felt guilty, she didn't wanna ask anyone for help, she didn't wanna make her partner have to do "extra work," and she honestly just felt that everyone else was more important than she was. So what she was doing in that moment, it wasn't even just a moment, what she was doing was she was not setting herself up for success, she was not getting everything that she needed to be the best version of her and the best co-parent and the best mom that she could, because she was not allowing herself to have what she needed. So we went through and we started a plan, we actually created a plan and walked through it, and this is what I do with each of my clients. We create actionable plans for what is going on and what they are struggling with in life and in co-parenting, and then I help them execute it by being their accountability partner, by being their mentor and helping them when they have resistance, what's going on? What's happening? So that we can start to understand, we can become aware, accept what she can do about it and then take the aligned action to change. So when she and I talked about it, we set the time, we knew the class time that she was gonna be able to go, and then she was... She had help so that all the kids were okay, but then the next step was we have to eliminate the temptation, because oftentimes what we'll do is, Okay, I'm going to yoga then, but I'm just gonna get the grocery shopping, the dry cleaning picked up and this done beforehand. So she starts to overdo. And in doing that, what happens? Well, things run late, there's traffic a number of things, and then suddenly, Oh, she can't go to yoga. So what we had to decide is that the time before yoga was actually time that she had to block out on her calendar so that she couldn't have any interruptions or any temptations not to go. And then when the time came, she had to do the thing that was uncomfortable. She had to go even when she felt guilty, she had to let other people help her even when she didn't want to, and she had to let herself be important enough to go and give herself what she needed. Can you relate to that at all? I know I sure can. So the question really comes down to, what is it that you need to set yourself up to have more time, more energy, and more resources to be the awesomest version of you and the awesomest version of you today? Where you are with what you have going on, there's always things that you can do today to create your mise en place, as they say, to get everything in its place for you to become and be the best co-parent that you can, and are you willing to give yourself that? I hope that you are because you are worthy and capable and deserving of being amazing, of feeling good in your body, of having energy and having resources, and for you to, no matter what the other co-parent is doing, to feel good in your co-parenting journey. It is possible, and it starts with you deciding that you are going to get everything in its place for you to be successful. Again, I've made a little download for you that I hope will help you start to create this action plan for you. And if you ever need help, I am right here with you. All you have to do is email me, my email is in the show notes, or you can always book a clarity call with me where I will help you create an action plan for you, given what you have going on so that you can feel better today and be a more effective, calm, confident co-parent right now, without the other co-parent's permission or even their participation. That's our show for today. If you know someone that could benefit from this conversation, please share with them, just take a screenshot of the episode on your phone and text it to them, or share it on social. And if you do post it on IG, please tag me 'cause I would love to connect with you. Thank you so much for spending time with me. I'll see you next week. And in the meantime, take really, really good care of you. [music] Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]