Ep #151: Life Lately: A Personal Catch-Up

[music]

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother. And I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode. Hi friends, and welcome back to the podcast.

First, I wanna apologize for the crunching that you might hear underneath my feet as I'm walking through a trail. It's a Sunday morning, And I am walking with my dog, and I really felt called to send you guys a little bit of an update. I don't do these often, and I want to, I come on this podcast and I work with my clients, and it really is such a joy in my life to be able to do that and to share and to help people and to serve in this way. And I often forget to connect with you on more of a human level. And I took a break from the podcast this summer. Mostly it was a mental health break for me to be able to spend some time really taking care of myself. This summer has been a rollercoaster of just so many things happening.

I feel like I didn't even have a summer. My son's already back to school. He's in high school. Oh my gosh. I just, it's like it was yesterday he was just a baby, or starting kindergarten. And here he is starting the last chapter of him, at least in my home. In this phase of life, I'm having to learn a lot of things about myself, about being a mom, of being a single mom with, a high school boy in the house without a balancing of that... Where usually with two parents, there's sort of like that balancing, whether it's a man and a woman or same sex, but there's usually like a balancing of you and someone else. I think that's why family often is, two people. But my family is beautiful, it's me and him. And yes, his father is in the picture, but the majority of my son's life is spent with me, and the majority of my life is devoted to him.

And as he goes into this next phase of high school, and independence, developmental independence, he's in a phase where he doesn't need mom. He doesn't need a mom, so to speak. What he needs is a loving, grounded parent so that he can go off into the world, experience things, learn, fail, make mistakes, have successes, all of it. And have a safe, grounded parent waiting to be there to help him through whatever comes his way. And being that grounded parent for him, it's crucial that I am that version for me. And this is an example I work with all of my clients on, how can we be that grounded, steady parent for our children? It starts with being that for ourselves. And this summer has been turbulent, some work things going on, personal things in my life. I do have a partner who has been sick, very scary.

We thought, he got very lucky, but it could have gone very differently. But this time, he got lucky. But it really, all of these things sort of mixed together. I feel like it hijacked my summer, and there was a moment where I was really angry, like really, really angry about it, about why can't I just have an easy life? Why can't things just go the way I want? All of those questions that we ask, but really what I was needing to ask is what do I need? What do I need right now? And for me, that was a break. It was to take some time away. I took time away from everything except my clients and my son. I spent a lot of time refueling myself with walks, with restorative yoga, with time apart, spending as much time as I could, enjoying the summer, what little bits and chunks we got.

And I wanted to sort of talk about that here today, because so often we just keep pushing through. And with the school year coming and life starting back up. And yes, we all on some level love the routine. Of the kids going back to school. But oftentimes we just get into a new kind of busy. The summer is one kind of busy, and now we're going into another kind of busy. And if we're not really taking time out to be intentional, to decide what it is that we need in any given moment, and then actually give it to ourselves, we're missing the opportunity to be that grounded sturdy parent that each of us needs for ourselves and that our children need from us. So, like I said, I had to really take a step back. My coach called me out in the early part of the summer and told me that she doesn't really know me, that I don't really ask for help.

I kind of fake it. I make it look like I am, but I'm not asking for help in advance of what's going on. I sort of ask for help after I've already done something. And then I have all of the evidence of how it didn't work. [laughter] And I see this kind of in all areas of my life, and I see it coming up so much with my clients too. We don't ask for help until we're in crisis, or we don't ask for help until afterwards, and then we just blame everybody and everything around us. And that really isn't moving the needle forward. And when she said this to me, let me tell you, I was pissed. I was livid, I was offended. I was all of the things. I was so upset by what she said. But when I really stopped and checked in, it was because she was right.

It wasn't just her that I do this with. Like I said, I do this all over. I do it here with you on the podcast where I don't really let you in to see who I am. To have an exchange, and I want that to stop. But I've had to take some time off this summer, and I started working with an intuitive therapist, which Annamarie Green, oh my gosh, this woman is revolutionizing mental health and is awesome. So I'll put a link to her in the show notes, because she's just extraordinary. And I hope that everyone can have an opportunity to work with her or someone like her, because it's so beautiful to really be able to stop and heal in different ways. And that's what I needed this summer. I needed some space to heal. I needed some space to really recalibrate and get to that point where I can decide who it is that I wanna be for myself, for my child, for my family, for my partner, for my clients, for my future clients, and for each of you on this podcast.

And so in doing that, I've had to make some hard decisions across my life. Things I'm having to let go of, things I'm having to pare down on so that I can add more in. I mean, this is essentially the thing. We can say, well, I should stop doing that, or I should stop spending money, or I should stop yelling, or I should stop the texting, or all these things. But really what we wanna do is turn it and focus on how do I need to fill myself up. Really fill my cup up with so much good and nourishment and strength and steadiness that there's just less room for what I don't want. That's the mindset part of it is really deciding and shifting into that framework to start filling up more of what you do want. But then what we can't forget is the emotional side.

Really feeling, processing and moving our feelings through, the somatic work that I do with my clients, actually allowing the body to inform us of what is needed and what's going on. I just had a client yesterday that I worked with who has never been able to access parts of her body, and she was able to do that in such a short period of time. And I talked to her yesterday, and she's doing such beautiful healing because she's checking back in with the parts of her that needed it. And she's feeling differently in her body each and every day. And when we feel better in our bodies, you know what we do? We make better decisions; we support ourselves in better ways. It's like one step at a time. And there's this definition of titration. It's like a fancy scientific or engineering word. I should know this when I say it, but I don't know it in this moment, so I'm just gonna throw it out there.

But to me, what titration means is small amounts. It's like something is diluted before it's put into the larger so that it can be absorbed, so that it can be mixed in. So titration is a really important part that we wanna think about in our own lives, because the way I think about it is small doable steps over time. We all want the massive leap. We all want the big transformation, and that's great, and you will get there. But we get there with small, doable steps over time. And that's what I've been focusing on this summer, is really pulling back and focusing on what do I need in this moment and how can I give that to myself? How can I show up as the type of parent I wanna be for my son and for me. If you want help doing this, I want you to know that there is help out there, whether it's a therapist, whether it is a coach, maybe it's me that you feel aligned with.

You can book a call with me. The link is always in the show notes for a breakthrough call, where you and I can just chat. And figure out what actually is the next step for you. Because yeah, it might be coaching, it might not, but I can help you get clear on what it is so that you have a path forward so that you can titrate your decisions and actions to move forward, one doable step at a time. I just want you to know, and I wanna tell you more often, I'm here to help you. Like I said, I have a coach. I took a little break and I'm starting back up because I have more capacity, because I gave myself what I needed, which was some time to heal, some time to really dig in with therapy, to process some things that needed to be processed, so that those patterns and those things are not blocking me from moving forward in the way I want.

Because what I was seeing is there were patterns in my life that I was doing over and over and over, and I didn't wanna be, and I was frustrated, and I was getting really angry and really resentful, blaming everybody and everything around me, when really what I needed to do was take a moment or a long pause and focus on me, let myself be nourished in the way that I need, let myself get the healing and the support that I need. The other thing that came through in all of this time and healing, it's actually been happening since the early part of 2024, is I've been called to go back to school. I felt it kind of in my bones that I wanna be able to support my clients on a more holistic basis. Like really be able to support in different modalities. I'm a certified conscious parenting coach.

I'm a certified life coach. I'm finishing up certification as a somatic coach. I'm constantly wanting to bring resources to my clients that will help them shift and move and make real lasting change in their lives, in their families, for their children, and generationally. This isn't just to co-parent in a different way, or get your ex to do what you want them to do or get them on board, it's about really shifting all of the paradigms, all of the limiting beliefs, all of those patterns that we hold that says we can't do something. You absolutely can. And you are the one who knows what it is. Each of you are unique and resourceful and whole and capable. And oftentimes there's these blocks and these energies and these things happening, and emotions that are stuck and traumas that are stuck within our bodies.

And we need to be able to move them so that we can be released and move forward in the way that we want. And so part of that for me, I feel like, is going back to school. So I did decide [laughter] after much internal argument in my head and going back and forth and all the reasons why and why not, and the lists, and the worrying and the doubt, and the just spiral of thoughts. I grounded myself and I asked myself, what is it that I truly want? And all answers pointed to going back to get my master's in counseling at one specific university. I did get accepted, let me tell you, that would be a podcast for another day. That was a humbling process. I have been out of school for 20, over 25 years, and it wasn't awesome as a student the first go around.

So this has been a learning curve for me, and I'm really having to step into this identity that I am a counselor in training. I deserve to be there. I am as smart as anybody else to be able to do this. And all of the doubts and the fears have been coming up and really working through those. But I bring this up because you might hear that this is a bit on my plate between working with clients in my private practice, being able to show up as the mom that I wanna be for my son, and now adding school on top of that, not to mention taking care of my mind, my body, and my spirit. It's a lot. And there's only 24 hours in the day. So I've realized that something has to give. Some things have to change and shift. And I thought about not doing the podcast anymore.

And that also just felt really ugh to me. I love being here with you. I love talking to you guys when you book calls to just talk about what's going on, or something you learned on the podcast or something you're struggling with and you need help moving forward. So many of you have given yourself the life audits that I offer. And it really moves the needle quickly to help get some clarity. But most importantly, what it does is gives you accountability and connection. And that's what most of us need. And I didn't wanna let go of this podcast because I get connection through this, and I love that. And I wanna make sure that I'm here for you so that you know that I'm here. I love you. I'm here to support you. I believe in you, and I'm ready to be that mentor and coach and champion in your corner.

So that we can do the work, whether it's mindset, whether it's emotions, whether it's somatics, whatever it is, there are so many ways that we can support you, you and I together to make sure that you're getting exactly what you need. And that's what I've been doing this summer, is really just getting more help. This has been a season of receiving help, of me saying, you know what? No more fake asking for help, but really asking and then allowing myself to receive, oh, this has been the hardest part, but I wanna do it because it's so important to me for who I wanna be in the world and how I wanna show up. So I'm gonna keep doing the podcast, but the scheduling might change a little bit because I have to make space for me to be present in the areas and the priorities that are most important in this season of life.

And I think that's what we all have to do, whether it's back to school time, whether it's, you're just starting out on getting divorced or separated and it's a new season, and allowing yourself some space to figure out what do I need in this moment? Because I can tell you from personal experience, when we don't ask for help and we don't allow ourselves to really receive the help that we need, we make it so much harder on ourselves. We alienate ourselves, we feel so alone, and then we wonder why we're lonely.

And I've been really wondering this, this summer. I think that's what hit me. And it was time to reset. It was time to really decide what do I wanna do? And I'm working, shifting that. It's not perfect. I haven't gotten there. There's no destination to go, but I'm working towards it. And most importantly, I'm feeling more connected. I'm feeling more supported. I'm feeling more loved, mostly by myself and by those around me. And I just want you to know that I'm here supporting, cheering for you. I love you. I believe in you, and I'll talk to you next time.

And one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or your qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.

[music]