Ep #90: Karma + Co-Parenting

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother. And I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. Welcome back. I'm excited to be with you here. I hope you're enjoying the summer. Maybe it's just the start of summer for you, maybe you've already been in it a few weeks, wherever you are, I hope that you're enjoying this time to be present with your kids, to enjoy them, to have some ease. I know for me, summertime, it can feel like I have to jam all of the things in, right? I have to squeeze every ounce of amazingness out of summer. And when I get into that phase, I find myself running and hopping around and not being present. And so this year, as much as I have been wanting to squeeze every drop out, I've also had a yearning to feel peaceful, to feel at ease, to have relaxation, to have openness, to really just have a little bit more freedom. And so when I know that I want these things, I also know that I have to create them. And that's what got me thinking about this episode because I want you, no matter what has happened, what your summer looks like, what plans you have, I want you to allow yourself to experience what you truly desire this summer, all summer long, or just in little doses. And here's what I mean. I know way too often it feels like we don't have a lot of control over what's going on, that things are just happening to us, that the past is sort of already set and telling us what we can or can't do. We've divorced, there's a parenting plan, there's all of these things in place and we feel really constrained. We feel really sort of imprisoned within this rigid system that we've created. Maybe you even feel like the other co-parent is just completely against you, or that there's something conspiring against you that just you can't get ahead. I mean, I know that a lot of the moms that I talk to, they don't like to admit it, but they feel like sort of no matter what they do, they can't have what they want because of the divorce, because of the two houses, because of on and on and on, all the things. And I know that my job as their guide, as their mentor, and as their coach, is to show them that what they want is possible and how to do that. How do they do that? Well, you start by becoming the change that you want to see, as Gandhi said, you have to be the person that you want. And what does be mean? Being the way that I look at it, it equals how you're thinking, how you're feeling, and how you're acting. So for you to feel the way you want, and for me to feel the way I wanted this summer, even with all the plans that I have or have not made, I have to decide how do I want to feel? Why? Because how we feel is what dictates the actions that we do or don't take. And so looking at how we want to feel, first and foremost, and figuring out how to feel that now is a really powerful changemaker in your life. And it all starts with this idea of karma. I do a lot of research and a lot of reading, and I really have always been fascinated by world religions and the intersection between all of them. You know, everybody has their own religious belief, their own spiritual belief. I'm not a religious person, but I am a deeply spiritual person. And I find really so many of the fascinating teachings of whether it's Buddha or Jesus or any of the teachings that we hear about, there's always these underlying truths. And I love when I come across those threads that are looped between each of them, whether you know it's in the Quran or the Bible, or in Buddha's teaching. There's a lot of similarities. And there's these lines and these threads that we see between them, and those threads to me are truth. And one of these is karma. Now, the Buddhists call it karma, because it's a a tradition there. But we also see the same idea in science, in the Bible, and in all these different areas. And that's what I wanted to talk about today. So stay with me, 'cause I know you feel like I just took a giant leap and I kind of did, and that's okay, we're going to circle back. But I want to define what karma looks like, because when we want again to feel differently, it starts by being different, being meaning, thinking, feeling and acting. And so with you being the most powerful influence in your life, it's starting to understand how you do that, having the intentionality to make decisions, to make choices, to feel and act in certain ways. And this is where science and the ancient Buddhist laws of karma are on your side, and that's what I wanted to talk about. So how are they on your side? Well, let's look at it two ways. The first is from science. So there's the law of cause and effect, which states that "For every cause, there is an effect." This is Newton's Third Law of Motion, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." Okay? So let's look at it also from the Buddhist tradition. So I got this from Joseph Goldstein's Cause and Effect research article. He says that, "The law of karma can be understood on two levels. One level, karma refers to the experience of cause and effect over a period of time." The example being that if you perform an action sometime later, you will experience the result of it. Like if you plant a mango seed, many years later, you will be able to eat the fruit. The other level of understanding that karma has to do with is the quality of mind in the very moment of an action. So when we experience something in a state of love, there comes a naturally along with it feeling of openness and love. And that is the immediate result that you feel. Also, when there's moments of greed or hatred, you feel that immediately. And there's also future results that will come from it, because we'll continue to experience the painful energies that arose from that state. So what's the intersection that I saw? Well, the way that I see the intersection of both the science of the law of cause and effect, and the Buddhist tradition of karma is really looking at it as we align our actions with the feelings that we want to have. Because if we're feeling good in the moment, we're planting seeds to feel more good feelings in the future. If we're feeling ways that we don't want to feel or we're making decisions from negative places, from wounded places, we're planting that fruit to bear later. And so we really want to look at all of this from a long-game focus and look at ways that we are actually planting fruit now to feel good today, as well as be able to harvest it in the future. And it's really looking at the ways that you are making choices, that you're thinking and feeling and acting in a way that is in support of what you want in the direction that you want to go. Because each and every one of those actions, or inactions, decisions or non-decisions are actually you setting yourself up in the future for what you either do or don't want. So while it's true that the thoughts you think create the feelings you have, and then your feelings determine what you do or don't do, sometimes we just can't follow that order exactly the way that it's laid out. Sometimes We have to be willing to do things differently to shift out of the patterns that we've been stuck in. It's the ability to learn that for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. So what do we want in the future? Well, we have to start doing that now. And this is all about learning how to take small yet very aligned actions in the direction you want to go, even when it feels hard, even when it feels completely out of place today. Because the good news is, is that the ability to make those small shifts today will end up being huge results later. So I'm just going to offer you a couple little ideas here, couple ways that you can sort of use this idea of karma in your co-parenting. It's the idea that you're planting the seeds today to bear the fruit in the future, that you're working on how you're feeling today, so that you are creating immediate results that maybe aren't exactly what you want, but at least getting you in the direction of where you want to go instead of staying stuck in the patterns of where you have been. So one of these things is this idea that I talk about a lot, either here and also on Instagram. So if you don't, please follow me there because I am constantly sending out tips and ideas and inspirations for you to help decide how you want to move forward in a more positive way. How you want to make these changes, and how you can show up today in support of who you want to be. This idea of creating a vision for yourself, it's the first thing I do with my clients, so that they have a lighthouse, so to speak, of where they want to go. Because you basically decide, "Who do I want to be? What version of me do I want? What are the priorities that are important? What are the values that I would hold? And what is that version of me? How is she thinking? How is she feeling? And how is she acting?" And you use her to guide your decisions today, because you today might be conflicted. You today might be stressed out, you today might be really sad. Whatever it is, it's okay. And instead of relying on yourself in this moment to know all of the things and be able to do it perfectly, instead, we want to be able to look to this version of you that you want to be and say, "What would she do? What would her next step be, and how can I align it with that?" Let her support you in making these decisions. And part of this looks like you just deciding to take care of yourself, because when you take care of yourself today in the little moments, it sets you up to be that version of you. Your future self will say, "Thank you." And so what are some of these little promises to yourself that equate to big results? Well, this is where you get to decide, "How do I want to feel this summer?" If you want to feel more balanced, more relaxed, more at ease, more present. Well, part of that is deciding what you have to do today in support of that, sleep, we all need sleep, drinking water, eating good food, getting exercise. These are all things that are actually, when you do them today, create momentum moving forward to feel the benefit of that down the road. And so figuring out what can I do today in support of who I want to be and how I want to feel? It might not change overnight, but just like Newton's law of cause and effect, and just like the Buddhist tradition tells us, we're planting those seeds that will bear fruit in the future and so focusing on that today. If we want to be calmer, what do we need to be calmer? Okay, well, we probably need a little space. We probably need a little quiet. We probably need to go outside and put our feet in the grass and just take some deep breaths and calm down. These things are available to us at every moment, and it doesn't feel like it is, because we just haven't built in the practice yet. And so the little promises are really about deciding, "What is it that I need? What do I want to feel? And then what do I have to do to feel that today?" Whether that's adding in, like I said, a little bit of movement, whether that's a dance party, whether it's yoga or a walk, whatever, adding in a little bit of silence or prayer or meditation to start your day, being committed to hydrating yourself, eating good food. Maybe it's playing more, maybe you want to go and really be present and play with your kids, allowing yourself this time and the space and giving yourself the permission to go do it. Go do it. Go have fun. They need it and you need it. And maybe just deciding that for a little while, you're just going to decide to think differently, too. And I want to just offer you a couple ways to start to do this, because you can generate the feeling that you want to feel through your thoughts, that's how it works. So sometimes we have to be willing to offer our brain some new thoughts to think. It's like shopping for jeans. You might try 20 on until you find the one that feels just right. And the same is with our thinking. And this is where things like affirmations are great. They're not great just to think it. It's not like, you know, the idea of the secret where people said, "Oh, just say the affirmation over and over." No, it means saying a new thought, offering a new thought to your brain, and then backing it up with the action. We can't just think differently. Remember, we have to think, feel, and act differently. So we have to be willing to do all of those, but offering affirmations as a way to reframe our thinking. Again, it's not toxic positivity. We're just reframing our thoughts so that they're aligned with how you want to feel in support of the actions that you want to take. It's not denying reality, but it is taking ownership and offering a new perspective. And in co-parenting, learning a new perspective is crucial. So here are some of my favorite affirmations that I offer to my clients and I use in my own life. One is, "I am the guardian of my time, energy, and resources. I always have a choice. I am allowed to say no, just because they say it's true doesn't make it true. A no for this is a yes for me." And two more that I really love. One is "I matter," just saying that to myself. I don't always believe it, but when I'm working towards it, I know that I'm working towards a direction that I want to go. And my probably one of my sort of funny favorites is "Not my circus, not my monkeys." And this one I say a lot when maybe my son's with the other co-parent, maybe I don't agree on things that they're doing or how they're spending their time. It's not detrimental to him, it's not unsafe, it's their preferences. And it may or may not be going well, I don't know, but it's not my business. And so I can always sort of snap myself out of being frustrated or being judgy, because we all get that way at times. How many times do we criticize the other co-parent for the way they're doing something? And that criticism that doesn't keep me... That is karma in action, that is me planting seeds of negativity that I will experience in the future, and I don't want to do that. And so part of it is being willing to think differently. So as soon as I catch myself in that judgy critical, criticizing place, I have to remind myself, "Not my circus, not my monkeys." So these are just a couple of ways that I wanted to offer you to try on this summer. Just try on some new ways of thinking but most importantly, use karma to your advantage. Both science and spirituality are giving us the same thing, which is this idea that for every action there is a consequence, and what is that consequence going to be? And so instead of doing it reactionary, unconsciously, let's be really intentional. Let's decide how we want to think, feel, and act today. So we know we're moving forward in a direction that feels really good in the future, that we're moving forward, becoming the woman, the mom, the parent, the co-parent, the human and the adult that you want to be. Because you are completely capable of it, my friend, you are so powerful, more than you know, and the most interesting way to find that out is to actually start living in an intentional, purposeful way today and seeing the benefits, because you're going to feel the instant change and you're going to feel it down the road in the future. So again, letting yourself plant that seed that will bear fruit. Do you want it to be mangoes, or do you want it to be sour lemons? Listen, lemons make lemonade, but also a really good mango, you can't beat it. So that's what I have for you today. I hope that this offered you some ideas of how to experience this summer for what you want it to be by learning how to step into feeling differently. So go enjoy your summer, have some fun. Meet me over on Instagram, if you're there, I'd love to have you pop in and DM me and tell me how your summer's going and what you're experiencing, and any questions you have. I always love to connect with you guys there. Thank you so much for being here with me. Go have some fun. I'll see you next week. In the meantime, take really, really good care of you, friend. Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or the qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]