Ep #144: I Can’t Do This Alone, and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves About (Co)parenting

Do you ever find yourself wondering why you can't do something? Maybe you promise yourself that you're not going to have those three glasses of wine after the kids go to bed, but yet you polish off a bottle. Maybe you say, "I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow. I'm absolutely going to go to yoga. There's no doubt I'm going to do this." But then you wake up and you don't do it. Or you promise yourself that you are going to stay so calm, cool, and collected when transition day comes and you have to see the other co-parent. And two seconds in, you are completely overwhelmed and shut down because you can't manage what's happening. And then you get so mad at yourself because you should be able to do it differently. Or maybe you're thinking about what you want in your life and realizing that your family and the situation that you're in has to change in order for you to have what you truly want. But you just don't believe that you can do it on your own. You just can't parent on your own. You just can't support yourself on your own. You just can't fill in the blank on your own.

"I can't do it all alone." This was one of the lies that I told myself for so long that I couldn't parent on my own. I couldn't support myself on my own. I wouldn't be able to take care of the house alone. So, I had to sell it. All of these things. All of these lies that I told myself and that I sit with clients each and every day as they tell themselves the same lies. And I wanted to talk to you about them today because I don't want you lying to yourself and cutting yourself off from what you could truly have.

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Welcome to "Co-Parenting with Confidence," a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother. And I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

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Before we dive into the episode completely, I want to make sure that you know about the support that I offer, because there's this podcast, and if you're here listening, thank you. Thank you. For those of you who have been listening for a long time, if you are new to the podcast, welcome. I'm really excited that you're here with us. This podcast is meant to be a place where you can be informed, where you can learn new ways to manage your emotions, to manage your anger, to really create mindset shifts, to prioritize your own needs, to learn how to set healthy boundaries, and grow in your personal life, your spiritual life. And we talk about ways to simplify and make things easier so that you can be more intentional, clear, and actually live the life that you want. But to do this, we cannot lie to ourselves. And that's what so many of us do so much of the time. And so we're gonna shed a little bit of light on that today. But I want you to know about the different ways that I can support you beyond this podcast. I have one-to-one coaching spots opening up for August of this year.

If you are ready to really dive in and get yourself the support that you need to create the life that you want, to learn how to emotionally regulate, to regulate your nervous system, to do those somatic work required for healing, I want you to book a breakthrough call so that we can talk about it. Another way that we could work together is through one of my really simple, easy, low-cost audits. This is an option where you and I will work together for two weeks so that we can focus on just one area and help you start to make transformation in that one area. And I promise you, you will see a difference. You will experience change. And when you do that, you create confidence in yourself. And that's what I want for you. I want you to celebrate the little wins so that when your brain tells you all the things you can't do, you're like, "I got this," right? So, if you are looking for support, I just wanted you to know that it is available for you. Both the breakthrough call and the link for the audit are in the show notes. So, please pause.

Sign up for one of them that feels aligned for you, and give yourself the gift of coaching, and support, and accountability. So, let's talk about these lies that we tell ourselves, right? We've all had experiences when we were young, in our childhood, through our marriage or through relationships, maybe just a year ago or six months ago, right? And these experiences create imprints on us. There are unmet needs, there are wounds that need to be healed. And just because you have these doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that you are broken. You are nothing. It just means that you have lived experiences that have impacted you and left a mark. And it is now your job to lovingly hold space for those parts of you from your highest self, from that adult self, and to shower it with love and care so that you can move forward in a more positive direction. We can't change or rewrite history, right? We can't negate the things that happen. We can't erase them. No amount of drinking wine or, you know, pills or shopping or overworking or overdoing or over-exercising can help us escape the pain and the wounds that are inside of us.

The only thing that can help us do that is to really step in where you are today and have an honest dialogue with yourself, to heal, to move forward. And this sounds like a lot. It is a lot. It is. And that's why it's so important to get support and help. But there is some version of you, right? That needs to be healed. And it is our job here, in this moment, in this point in your life, to give it what it needs with care and with love and with space, right? And with support.

Why is this important? Well, at the top of the show, I mentioned a couple of those ways that we get stuck. I was just on a call this morning with a client and she said, "You know, every night I get to the point when my kids are gone and I promise myself that I'm going to go to bed so that I can get up the next morning and have a really great day. But it's like I just see the bottle of wine and I think, well, I'll just have one glass. And then I'm watching videos or hanging out, and then it's two glasses, then it's three glasses.

Then I finish off the bottle of wine. Then I wake up the next day and all I wanna do is drag myself to the coffee machine, not go to the gym, not drink water, not make better choices." Another client that I was talking to, she's like, "All I wanna do is be able to walk into the other co-parent's house at transition day and not freak out, not feel triggered, not get all squirrely and start saying random things, or get resentful and hateful." The fact that these things are happening, we can shame ourselves about it. We can beat ourselves up. Like my clients were doing, saying, "I just can't do it. I just can't do this alone. I just can't bring myself to do x, y, or z," right? Just like the lies that I've told myself in my co-parenting journey, "I can't do this alone. I'm not capable." But as long as we continue to just tell ourselves that without excavating what's really going on, we're missing the opportunity that's in front of us. One of my mentors says, "Never waste a good trigger." And it's so true. The triggers, the activations, the wounds, the hurt, they are actually an invitation for healing.

It's an opportunity to say, "I'm actually not going to try to erase or change or ignore what happened, but I'm going to meet myself where I am in this moment and I'm going to get curious. What does that part of me need, right? What part of me doesn't allow me to go to the gym in the morning? What part of me keeps reaching for that bottle of wine? What part of me feels so out of control and meet that part, right?" These unmet needs are playing out in a myriad of ways with different people. Right? And so often I know I've had those moments where I come to the realization that there's one common denominator between all the different issues in my life and I'm pointing right at myself, right? And that's not to beat myself up, but it's to step into the power that I have to heal this. And I just want to say here, we have to be really careful in setting our expectations. You know, so often we get frustrated because we're like, "Well, I tried to do it, or I tried three times and it didn't work. So it's never going to work." When, in actuality, a lot of these adamant needs, a lot of these wounds that we have, have been there quite a long time.

So, to expect them to go away overnight isn't realistic. So, we have to understand that it's going to take time, and patience, and care. And that's where it's really all about consistency. It's about the little actions, meeting ourselves, where we are asking, "What do I need in this moment?" And then doing our best to lovingly provide that need. If we were a child who was not allowed to speak up, but now we want to use our voice, it is going to feel very difficult. There is going to be a million reasons in our head why we shouldn't. Right? All of the experiences, all of the "evidence" that our nervous system has of why speaking up is dangerous is going to make it very challenging in this moment to speak up unless we're able to meet that need in the moment today. With our adult self saying, "I got this. I'm not that small child who had that experience any longer. I'm actually this really wise, experienced adult self." And we want to step into that. But to be able to do that, we have to be willing to look at the parts that hurt. We have to be willing to look at the parts who need our love and care, we have to be willing to look at that part who doesn't feel like she can speak up and offer her space to do so.

Because the more that we're able to do this kind of somatic work, then the more power we have. When we are able to meet our own needs, that is when we have more opportunity to start asking other people to help support us in these ways. As long as we are avoiding, right? Not showing up and feeling like we are just fragmented and broken, we're going to constantly be finding more and more evidence for that. And that's why getting in support with someone else to do this work is so important. This work can be done on its own. It's really hard, right? It's grueling on our own. But when we are in the support of a loving coach, therapist, mentor, who can hold space, who can provide guidance and who can help us move through it, we just make things quicker, easier, and softer. So, there are so many things that I promise you, you tell yourself you cannot do, but you can. Maybe not the younger version of you, but who you are. You have more power, more capability, more strength than you ever could imagine, and I want you to tap into it. And sometimes it's just about removing the layers that have it hidden.

You, my friend, are whole and capable and worthy exactly as you are. I know this is true because each and every one of us are. A lot of times these patterns, the negative behavior, the quote unquote bad behavior, they look like they are awful. And on the surface they can be when they hurt others and when they're destructive and when they move us away from what we want. But the truth is, underneath all of them is a pure need, right? A need to be seen, a need to be loved, a need to be supported, connected, valued. So, what we want to do is actually learn what is the need here, and how can I meet it in a healthier way so that I don't continue to tell myself all the things I can't do, or shoot myself in my own foot, or create the obstacles that I just have so much trouble getting over. You have the ability to find safety within yourself, to create that safety, that love, and that containment to then thrive out in the world, but it requires you making the choice to do so. And I know that you can do this because you are strong, you are loving, and you are doing the work, or you wouldn't be here listening to this.

So, I just want you to know that I'm here for you, that you're loved, and that I am cheering you on. I hope you have a beautiful day and I look forward to connecting with you soon.

Oh, and one more thing. The legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.

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