Ep #85: How to Set Yourself Up to Change: Practical Tips to Empower Yourself for What’s Coming

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, will get ready and let's dive into today's episode. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm excited to talk with you today. And if you're new here. Welcome. I am so glad that you found this podcast, because my intention with this podcast is to send a lot of positivity, love, some new perspective and just to make you feel more empowered and loved in your own life, because, mama, you are. I love you, I'm glad that you're here. I'm glad that if this is your first episode, I hope you listen and I hope you walk away with a big, full warm heart. And for those of you who have been with me and have been listening and downloading the episodes, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart." I do this podcast because I just love being in conversation with you, and I want you to know that you are not alone. I felt so alone at the beginning of my divorce and co-parenting journey, and I don't want anyone to feel that way because you are not, right? You are not alone in this. There are so many beautiful mamas who understand how you're feeling, and I know that I certainly do, and I am here to be a guide, to be a mentor and to be a friend to you. And if you are wanting more support on your co-parenting journey, it's available, there are so many ways that you can get it, if it's not me, there's so many amazing coaches out there, therapist, support groups, all the things, whatever you're needing, friend, please do me a favor and commit to giving it to yourself today. If you really want one-on-one attention, I'm here for you for that, you can just go to my website and click on the clarity calls so that we can get you set up. But also, if you are kind of sitting there going, "I wish that there were a class that I could take, full of women that really understand what I'm doing here, what I'm trying to do, and know how to help me." Friends, I'm cooking something up for you and I want you to get in on it, so if you are wanting some group support, some love, some care, and a place to start to explore what could be next in your life by someone who understands how to get you there, I want you to go on Instagram and DM me, and tell me that you are ready to be a change-maker. Because I'm going to start announcing what's coming up next, but I want you to know that there is something out there, and I can help you be the change-maker in your life that you want to be, so go to Instagram and just send me a DM, and we can get in the into the conversation. But enough about all that, we're here today, we're here to talk. So what are we talking about? Well, it's May. So if you're listening in real time, the school year is coming to an end, which means summer is coming, it's amazing, we all love summer, and we're all terrified of the summer. [chuckle] If there's one thing that I see over and over, it's like, "We know summer is coming, but we're not prepared for it, and then what do we do?" The kids are home, there's no school, there's no structure, there's no routine, and we feel panic. I was just on a call with a client the other day, and she was feeling this exact same way, and I said, "Let's slow this down, and let's walk through the process of you deciding what your summer is going to feel like, what is most important to you and moving you forward in that direction." She was like, "That's an option?" Of course, it's an option, this is what we do, we set you up with intention, with purpose and with love. So I thought, "Why not offer this to you guys?" Because there's probably many of you out there that are feeling the exact same way. I do this in my own life, too, so I wanted to walk you through a simple process, that I just help myself and my clients get really clear on what it is they want, how they want to feel, and how they can set themselves up to feel that way. So before we can do anything, we start where we always begin, this is where I start with all my clients, and I'm going to kind of do this in a different way, but I want you to set your intention, to set your why, to set your lighthouse, that direction of, "What it is that you want? What is that big why that you have?" Now, we do this when we start coaching, because we're really setting the big, overall intention of, "What it is that you're committing to, what it is that you're wanting to be." Maybe it's committing to showing up for yourself and your children, so that you can be the change that you want to see in the world, right? Maybe you want to be an example to your kids of what's possible, whatever your why is, is beautiful. And I want you to always be sort of working towards that. But what we're going to do here is really direct it towards this next season, whatever that season is, a month, three months, whatever, you can always be changing and adjusting and setting this. But what is your why? How do you want to feel on a daily basis? What is really driving you as your vision and your values? So I know I've talked about this in other episodes, and I think I have a Values episode, so I'll link it in the show notes, 'cause I don't want to get on a the side tangent in here, I want to stay specific to sort of when we have something coming, where we know there's going to be a big change, how do we set ourselves up for that change? So the first is to decide, "What is it that I even want to feel. How do I want to go through this season?" And so I want you to go ahead and think about that. And sometimes people are going to say, "I don't know, Mikki, I'm so tired, I just don't know." Okay, so let's figure that out. How we can do that, one of my mentors, Heather Chauvin, has the most beautiful question, and I want you to do this right now, either listen to the whole episode and come back, or stop right now. Set a timer for five minutes, and I want you to answer this question over and over, "Wouldn't it be nice if... " See if you can get at least 10. Okay. Hopefully, you could get 15. But in five minutes, if you get 10, you've done really, really well, friend. So I want you to answer that 10 times, "Wouldn't it be nice if... " And keep it specific to summer or whatever this change is, coming up. So you go through and you do the, "Wouldn't it be nice if... " So you get all 10 of those. Okay. So once you have all 10, now you're going to figure out what is the feeling that you're craving. This is the beautiful thing about this little general prompt is it tells you exactly the feeling that you want to have exactly what you're craving in your life. So maybe if you had, "I wish I knew what I wanted this summer," that possibly could be. Wouldn't it be nice if I knew what I wanted to do this summer? Well, I'm guessing that if you knew what you wanted, you would feel connected, you would feel confident. So you can see how I just took that, "Wouldn't it be nice if I knew exactly what I wanted" and got to the feeling. Maybe you have, "I wish I didn't have to worry about money." Maybe that's really a concern after divorce, and I get it, that is a concern for so many. So what is it that you would be feeling, if you didn't have to worry about the money? You would probably feel pretty calm, maybe really confident. Maybe you wish you didn't have to work this summer. Maybe you have to work and you don't have as much time for the kids. Okay, if you didn't have to work this summer, how would you be feeling? I'm guessing freedom might be in there, feeling free. Maybe one of yours was, "I wish that my kids had something that they really wanted to do and felt good about." Oftentimes, we feel like it's just this aimless time where they're on their screens all the time. Okay, well, if they did have something to do, how would you be feeling? You'd probably be feeling connected, you'd be feeling free, you'd be feeling confident and sort of compassion for them. Maybe you wish you didn't feel so awkward asking for help, because you're going to need help this summer, and maybe you hate the feeling of having to ask for your help. So maybe one of yours was, "I wish that I didn't feel so weird about needing help." Okay, so how would you feel if you didn't feel weird about it, well, you'd probably feel pretty supported, you'd probably feel pretty empowered. So you can see what we're doing is taking this, "Wouldn't it be nice if... " And we're turning it to figure out what are the feelings that I'm actually really wanting. Because this is important, my friend, because this is where we begin from. So we want to start to decide what are the top maybe three or four feelings that you want to feel. Is it calm. Is it free? Is it connection? Once you've gone through this exercise, I want you to identify two to four feelings that really resonate with you right now, and I just want you to write them down, put them on a piece of paper, 'cause we're going to come back to them in a minute. Now, the next step that we're going to do here is really important. This is what I certainly teach my clients, but also this is something that we have to do on a daily basis, which is a brain dump. What is a brain dump? It's getting everything in your head out onto paper. Why? Because when we get it out of our head and we get it onto paper, we can see all of the stuff and the junk and the negativity and the just shenanigans that are going on up there. We all have them, totally fine, but it helps to get it out and onto paper, because that helps us eliminate the overwhelm. So often we're worried about summer or whatever big change is coming, because we're overwhelmed, it feels like there's so much to do, it feels so out of control, so we've got to start to eliminate that by getting it out onto the paper, so that we can actually look and see what we need to do. Okay, so now that you have all those things on paper, what I want you to do is start to categorize them. That we're all going to have some main categories of things that we have to do in our life or that are important to us, there's the kids, there's relationships, there's money, or maybe work, maybe those are separate. There's environment, meaning your home and caring for things. Self is a category, it might not show up often, but self absolutely must be one of the categories. So what we're going to do is I want you then to take all of those things that you got out of your head, all of the to-dos, all of the things that you're thinking about for the summer, and I want you to start to categorize them into all of these groupings, things you need to do for yourself, things that have to do with the kids, things that have to do maybe with home or your environment. Again, things that have to do with work or money, relationships, you start to pull all of these things and categorize them. And here's the really important next step, we're going to prioritize them. What do I mean by that? We're going to decide what matters most, because everything cannot be given equal weight, and when we're not being intentional, we're sort of just putting out fires, we're just addressing whatever feels relevant in that moment, but oftentimes what feels relevant is just actually what's most emotional, and that's not a good use of your time. And we certainly don't want to plan for an entire summer based on what feels like a fire that need to be put out. No, we want to prioritize it based on what we want more of, what we want to create that will make us feel full and connected and joyful. Listen, we are here to feel good. I know oftentimes it feels like we're just supposed to get through this life, that is not the case, we're supposed to feel good and amazing and abundant, and so really going towards that instead of away from it, and so we have to do that with intention. So I want you to prioritize each of the areas, what comes first, is it kids, is it work, is it relationship, is it environment, is it self? You categorize them in the level of importance, how you want them to be, not how they are currently, but in what order you want them to be. I'm going to go out on a limb here, I'm guessing when you just did that. Self was probably pretty low on the list, and that's okay. Because we're taught that being a good mom is being selfless, "I don't need anything, I'll take care of everybody else, and then I'll get to that." For those of us people pleasers out here, and I am a card-carrying member, because that's what we do. That's okay. So I'm just going to act as the reminder to you and to me that self is always first and foremost, always. It's priority number one, even when you don't want it to be. Why? Because just like the flight attendant tells you in the airplane, "Put on your oxygen mask first." Why? So that you're not passed out and unconscious. We need to be taking care of ourselves, so that we have the capability of taking care of others. So like it or not, self is going to be priority number one. And then what's coming next, maybe you want to have a super fun summer with the a time that you have your kids, they're number two. Maybe work and money is number three. I don't know, you get to decide, this is your life, not mine, you have the answers, not me. But I want you to go through this process of really sort of deciding, "What are the priorities?" And then we are going to focus on the top three and everything else, we're going to kinda let it go a little bit. Okay, so right now, what do you got, you got your vision. You've got your why, or the feelings that you really want to feel, those three feelings, you've done your brain dump. So you've gotten everything out on to paper, and then now we've prioritized what is getting my attention in this next season and what isn't. Okay, you with me, if you haven't done those thing things, that's okay, just stop, do them and come back. Because now what we're going to do is we're going to decide. We are going to decide, "How do I want to feel? What is the experience that I want to create this summer, and how can I start to do that?" And that's by deciding what the aligned action steps are going to be. When you look at your summer, when you look at the time that you have with your kids, what do you want that to look and feel like? If you are home alone with them, maybe it's really overwhelming, because you're only working part-time or school's out or day care's out, and you have more time with the kids. How do you want to feel during that time? Maybe you want to feel connected, you want to feel calm, you want to feel confident, Okay, how are you going to do things that are getting you to feel that way? What is the support that you're going to need to ask for? How can you feel empowered and supported to ask for that help? If you want to feel connected, what are the things that you guys can do to feel that connection, if you don't want your kids on screens all summer, and you wanted to feel more connected and present and empowered, what are you going to do to do that? It's really about deciding in advance, "How you want to feel?" Maybe it's day trips, or maybe it's going to a pool, or maybe it's playing sports or whatever it is for you, maybe it's gardening, whatever it is, you get to decide, "I am going to set these intentions, I'm going to set these aligned action plans to do these things for myself." And these aren't always big things, but it's saying, I'm going to get exercise each day, because that's really important." Maybe you invite the kids to do that with you, maybe you do it on your own. Maybe if you're feeling really lonely and you want more connection, how are you going to create connection, how are you going to either reach out to friends that you have to do things together, maybe with the kids, or how are you going to make sure that you're meeting new friends? Whatever you are craving, I want you to walk towards that and I want you to get creative on ways that you can do it. And then you start to actually put these action items down on paper, on your calendar. If you need to find a pool to go to, or if you need to research the different activities that are out there, maybe it's zoos, maybe it's educational programs, maybe it's camps, actually set aside the time to do that, because it's in support of the way that you want to feel. Oftentimes, we just keep pushing things aside, because it just seems like one more thing to do, but when it's in support of how you want to feel, you are much more apt to actually set aside the time and to do this. Because it's the way that you want to create, it's the way that you want to feel, it's how you want to align your life, and we have to be intentional with that. And it's not getting overwhelmed by all the things, it's staying focused on, "Here are the top three priorities to me, and I'm going to let those be enough, I'm just going to let it be enough, because I don't have to do all of the things, I just have to start where I am." Remember, it's all about progress, not perfection. And when the resistance comes up, when you're like, "Oh, I don't want to do that." That's okay, my friend, give yourself compassion, go easy on yourself, and then still say, "Okay, I'm feeling the resistance, but I really want to feel more connection, what is one thing that I can do to move myself towards that," and just let yourself take one step, just one. If you want to feel more supported, it might mean asking for help. Who is one person that I can ask for help? Maybe you have a friend who's feeling similar to you, and you guys could trade, maybe you take the kids on Tuesday afternoons, and they take the kids on Thursday afternoons, and you get some time to yourself. Whatever it is, I want you to start to get creative, I want you to start to get resourceful and to figure out, "How can I move towards what I want and how I want to feel, instead of just putting out all the little fires?" You, my friend, are far more powerful than you give yourself credit for, and when we slow down to really decide, "How do I want to feel, how do I want to anchor into that feeling," and then take aligned action from that, you will be amazed at what you can create, I promise. I'm here to help you with it, but you can do this. And if you have any questions or you're like, "Mikki, I don't get it, I don't understand." That's okay, go ahead and come over on Instagram and DM me and I'm happy to jump in and help. So that's what I have for you today. Go ahead and let yourself decide that you are going to change into this next season, whatever that is, summer, a new phase, getting through a big project, how do you want to do it? How do you want to feel? What are the priorities during this time, focus there and let the other things go. And then what are the aligned actions that you're going to keep taking over and over and over again to create more of what you want? Alright, so I will see you soon. I hope you're setting yourself up for an amazing summer and I'll talk with you later. In the meantime, take really, really good care of you, friend. Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff, this podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only, it is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice, please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to co-parenting with confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]