Ep #117: How to Create More Calm, Clarity + Cooperation in Your Co-Parenting

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother. And I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

Happy New Year friend, and welcome back to the podcast. I'm so excited to be here with you. And if you're listening, when this episode drops, it's the beginning of 2024. It's a new year, a fresh start. At the end of last year, we talked all about really wanting to figure out how are we gonna move forward into this new year with intention, with purpose, with positivity, and we're gonna keep going on that. But today, before I jump into that, I wanna tell you about something really special coming up. I'm gonna be doing another live workshop on Wednesday, January 24th. This is really fun. I love getting into these workshops with you guys, where we can actually work together live answering questions, figuring out plans, helping you move your co-parenting forward in a direction you want. And this one coming up is gonna be so good, and absolutely, I wanna see you there.

I'm entitling it: How to not Lose Your Temper in Co-parenting [laughter], right? I mean, most of us wanna know that, right? And it's really all about understanding emotional regulation. It's learning the keys to understanding emotions, yours, your kids, the other co-parents. It's learning how to manage those big feelings and those big reactions that we have. But most importantly, how do we help ourselves calm down so that we can actually respond, take that responsibility that we have, and then also, how can we navigate co-parenting from an emotionally regulated place, especially when we don't agree with the other co-parent, right? And this is all about the strategies of effective communication so that you can communicate even when you don't agree with your other co-parent. This workshop is gonna be such a good one. So I want you to pause the recording. I want you to click the link in the show notes, but I want you to go and sign up for it.

You can do that in mikkigardner.com/workshop. So I definitely wanna see you there because these workshops are really easy ways for you to start to take massive action and change towards more positive co-parenting. Now, as I was thinking about what did I wanted to talk about, I've been getting so many questions about really, how do I co-parent well, especially when the other co-parent isn't helping me, especially when they're not showing up, maybe when there's high conflict, it makes us feel like we have, have no choice, right? Like we have no say, we have no authority to make things better. But here's the thing, my friend, I promise you, you do. You have so much more power and control than you think you do, and it's really learning how to step into that. So in January, what we're gonna be talking about is really cleaning up different areas of our life, because for us to move forward, we've gotta get rid of some of the clutter, whether that's emotional clutter, physical clutter, mental clutter, just clutter. [laughter]

But let's really work together in January. I've got some fun experts coming on to talk to you about these topics. But I really wanna look at how can we simplify and clean up so that we make our co-parenting experience easier, so that we make it more foolproof for us to be able to move forward in the direction that's aligned for you. So today what we're gonna talk about is really deciding how you even want to move forward. I did an intention setting episode last year, so definitely check that out if you want to. But I want you to start to decide what do you want more of in your co-parent, right? Sometimes we have to look at it and say, okay, I know what I don't want. And that's a great place to start. We can look at what we don't want and then learn to flip it, reframe it.

If I didn't have that, how would I be feeling? What would I have more of? Because what we wanna do is get more and more focused on what it is you do want, the feelings that you wanna create, so that we can be become less focused on what you don't want, or less focused on what the other person is or isn't doing. So this looks like really starting to ask yourself these questions of what feeling do I really wanna have more of when it comes to co-parenting? Is it calm? Is it confidence? Is it capability? Is it collaboration, cooperation, support? Starting to really think through what is the feeling that I'm after? Because we wanna start to create more of it, to focus on what you desire, to focus on, what you can control, and focus, again, less on what you can't, which is the other co-parent.

And it's really looking at where do I have the capability to make changes and to start to focus there. So many of us wanna feel more confident in our co-parenting, but confidence isn't a feeling. Confidence is actually an action. It's something that we start to do by taking action, by feeling more and more capable, right? And that is what generates this desired confidence that we all want. So how do we do this? Well, we start to really narrow in on this plan of what you want to feel more of. So if you wanna feel more cooperation in your co-parenting, you have to look at what is standing in the way of that today, right? Is it getting triggered by the other co-parent? Is it the other co-parent reactions? And then that sets you off and you react. Maybe it's the constant conflict that just never seems to end, well when we want more cooperation.

But our reality is being trapped in this conflict, in these patterns. This is where we have to get really clear with ourselves and ask, what part of this am I engaging in? What part of this am I playing a role in? And then we start to look at that. Well, if I stopped playing that role, would I start to create more cooperation? Even just feeling that for yourself, cooperation is likely going to start with creating some really clear boundaries of what you will and won't accept, and then holding those boundaries, right? That looks like not engaging in the conflict. Now listen, I'm not saying that you don't fight every, any battle. There are battles worth fighting, but there are some that simply are not worth it, that just keep you engaged in the conflict. And the more honest that we can get with ourselves about where am I engaging in conflict that isn't necessary, right?

That isn't moving me forward, and really ultimately just draining your energy, that's where we have to really start to look at, and that's where we wanna start to come from. If we want more calm in your co-parenting, well, we have to start by looking at, well, what's standing in the way of that? Now, what's really disrupting my calm? Is it being totally overwhelmed? Is it not having the support that you need? Is it that conflict in those reactions, conflict and those reactions that are constantly making you feel sort of ungrounded, that untethered feeling? Well, we have to start there. And again, ask yourself, what part of this am I engaging in, if any, right? None of us are perfect. And listen, we likely are in patterns that we are unaware of, but maybe perpetuating what it is that we don't like. The more that we can become aware of what we are or are not doing and how that is impacting us, the more ability we have to change.

Again, remember the three-step framework that I teach, the awareness agency and aligned action. We have to be willing to become more aware. And this is where having a coach who is there to help you see it. I just had a client yesterday, she was saying to me, it's so easy when you say it when we're sitting here together, but when am I gonna be able to do it on my own? But the first step is being able to separate yourself from the issue so that you can start to see it from a different perspective. And until you really build and hone that skill, that's where having someone with you, like me as your coach, can help you understand and see the different patterns at play, how things are connecting. Then you have a wider view and you can look at it and decide, oh my gosh, I see that, okay, I'm gonna shift and I'm gonna do it differently.

That's where real change starts to happen, is when we're able to shift and do it differently. So if you're wanting to feel more calm, that might look like not engaging in the conflict in the nasty text exchanges, right? It might not be as fun not to engage, right? But it actually will help you create more calm and more of the feeling that you actually want. I talked at the beginning of this about sort of simplifying when we feel like we are constantly overwhelmed and we're not feeling the grounded calmness that we want, one of the first things to do is really start to simplify, to start to declutter all of the things that are eating up our time, our energy, our space, whether that's physical clutter, emotional clutter, mental clutter, all of these things really start to come into play. Financial clutter. I mean, it really is a holistic view, but if we want to feel more calm, we really have to start to simplify and step out of the areas that are creating the overwhelm and start to figure out how can I create more calm so that I can show up differently?

And this, again, a lot of the times it comebacks to boundaries. It might mean, if you are feeling very un-calm, very ungrounded on transition days, maybe because your kids have a lot of emotions, okay, that is totally normal. And transition days are hard for the adults and the kids. So we can start to look at, how can you start to create more calm for yourself and then for your children during these times of unease, right? And there are ways to do that, but it takes being intentional, being purposeful, and really deciding in advance, maybe one thing you want, like so many of my clients, is just not to feel so awful or so awkward, or so much anger around the other co-parent. Listen, I get it. And it doesn't happen overnight, but it does change when we decide to, right? And it's sort of setting ourselves up for how we wanna feel, but recognizing we're not there yet.

And that's a keyword to always add. I'm feeling really awkward here, or I feel really angry. And then we feel like it's always gonna be that way. Well, we start to look at what is it that you do want? Well, I wanna feel really just at peace in their presence. So you start with saying, I don't feel at peace yet, but how can I create more feelings of peace? All of these things are steps that we can take. The more aware we become, the more choices that we make. And you might be saying, Mikki, this sounds like way too much work. Well, here's the thing. We can either work on what we want. Or we just continue to do all of the things that we don't want or engage in the things we don't want, and keep getting the same results. If you want something different, if you want more positive, cooperative, collaborative co-parenting, it begins with you making the decision of how are you going to be the example?

How are you gonna show up and be that version of you no matter what, no matter how the other co-parent is acting, no matter how the kids are acting. And listen, it's not about perfection. It's about really making the decision and then deciding how do I need to support myself to get there? This is the beauty of it. It's less about the destination and more about the journey. Because when you're working each and every day to support yourself, to trust yourself, to calm yourself, to feel more of the feelings that you actually want to feel, you know what shifts and changes, you feel better, you feel stronger, you feel more supported, you feel more empowered, you feel more trusting of yourself. When you do these things, you take bigger and bigger leaps, you're willing to risk more things. Put yourself out there, find love again, open up to possibility, right?

This is when things get really good and juicy when we are actually doing the work each and every day. And it starts to build and it becomes less about the destination, so to speak, but more about how am I actually feeling today? We get this one life, one, and I want you feeling good in this moment, in this day, not in 10 years when you don't have to co-parent on a day-to-day basis with your ex. No, I want you feeling good today and tomorrow and the month after that, and the year after that. And I want you opening yourself up to new possibilities, to new love, to new parts of your life that you can't even imagine yet. And it's totally possible when you start really taking care of yourself and owning your part. Cleaning up your side of the co-parenting street today. Let the other co-parent be responsible for their side.

But you get to be really responsible for your side. And when you are, I guarantee you the ripple effect of that. It's shocking. And I wanna close with a little story because I had a reminder of this recently. In December, as many of I had my book launch. It was so exciting. Thank you to all of you that supported me and bought the book and made it an international bestseller. I'm beyond excited. If you haven't gotten your copy, please go to the website and grab yours today. Or Amazon, Walmart, Barnes and Nobles. Any online bookseller will have it. But here's what happened that night. I was surrounded by friends and family who could come and support, and each of the people there really were there because they helped me in some way, whether it was through their love, friendship, mentorship, but really there to support.

And it was just such a beautiful night, and my ex and his wife and their son and my son were all there. And it was was really one of those moments where it was just fun and easy and we were all helping each other. They were helping me get everybody drinks, and they were enjoying themselves and laughing and talking with everyone. And one of our oldest friends came up to me, and I actually know him because he was the best man in our wedding. And he put his arm around me and he said, Mikki, it is so amazing to watch you guys tonight, all in this space, supporting them being here to support you and how easy it is and how much fun you guys are having. And it really made me pause when he said that to me, and look at what was going on around me.

And it was true. We really have this relationship where we can support one another. And listen, it's not perfect. There's conflict. There's disagreements about things that are going on. There's the upset feelings that happen. All of these things still happen. And we also have gotten to the point that we can be together and celebrate one another. And this is what I was so grateful in that moment, but I was also reminded, it hasn't always been that way. I can post the picture and say like, look at us now. But it was not always that way. Listen, it has been a 10 year journey. And I will say the first two to three years were not pretty. They were fraught with conflict, really hurt feelings, misunderstandings, really a lot of stress. And it was really, once I decided I am going to do this differently, I decided that I was going to show up and really work on being the version of me that I wanted to be.

And I got really busy healing myself, doing my own work, taking responsibility for my part of it, releasing the parts I didn't have control over, and then also making the decision of who do I wanna be within this family, right? Because we now had more people involved. And I also made a decision and a choice that I was going to welcome this other woman into my family, so to speak. She was there regardless of if I welcomed her or not. We all know that. But I chose to look at her as one more person to love my son, one more person to support and help him. And with that, I started to show up differently because if I wanted her to be that for him, I had to be that for her. And that's what I mean by the ripple effect is, and I'm not giving myself soul credit here.

They've done their work as well. But what I do know is that when I am focused on how I'm showing up with intentionality, with kindness, with respect, with boundaries, with love, remembering that love isn't always easy, right? Isn't always the soft kind. Sometimes love is strong and requires strong boundaries. But when I show up like that, everything shifts, right? Because we are the strongest ripple effect. We can, when the waters are really tumbling and the waters are rough, and we're in it, we're just trying to stay afloat. But really what we wanna do is calm things down, ground ourselves so that even when the waters get bumpier, we are in a more solid place, right? We're not so much at the mercy of it as going with it and figuring out how to navigate it. And this is what I want for you.

And we do this by really deciding what do I want more of? And this is what I wanted you to start the year thinking about. What is the feeling that I want more of in my co-parenting? And then starting to really honestly look at it and decide what do I have control over? How can I create more of it? Where am I getting in my own way or getting in the way of it? And how can I shift? And if you need help, my friend, I am here for you. We all need support. We are not meant to do this alone. And I want you to know that I am here to help you. And if you are ready to dive in and really figure out how to be less reactive, right? So you can choose how you wanna respond to do the work, to become more consistent and more committed.

'Cause this is the juice of when it gets really good. It starts with you deciding this. It starts with you focusing on this, not running away from what you don't want, but really going towards what you do. And I know that you have the capability to do this. I know this so strongly in my bones that you are capable and ready to do it. And if you have that voice inside you that's like, I know I can do this. I want you to step in, but I want you to do it with support and whatever that support looks like, whether that's your therapist, whether that's a support group, or you're ready for a coach. I mean, I know for me, coaching was invaluable and the game changer, and I know it could be for you too. So if you are ready for that, I have an amazing new program.

It's only three months long. Listen, this is gonna be a game changer. It is three month intensive where we get you shifted quickly in a positive direction so that you can start to really see massive change. I want this year to be filled with calm and joy and ease and confidence, and I wanna help you start experiencing it. So if you're ready to do that, I want you to go check out my Co-parenting Well Intensive. You can find it on my website, mikkigardner.com/co-parentingwellintensive. It's also in the show notes. But check it out, and if you're ready, apply. Because if you are the right candidate for this, really you gotta be ready and you gotta be ready to do the work, and to heal and to move forward. I would love to take you on this journey, and within three short months, I promise you, you will have more confidence, more calm, and feeling more positive about your co-parenting than you ever have before.

My friends, we're gonna make this year spectacular, and we're gonna start this January and this podcast by really cleaning up, cleaning up the way we're thinking about our co-parenting, cleaning up the way we're feeling about it. We're gonna clean up some physical clutter next week. We're gonna look at wellbeing and our bodies. We're gonna look at emotions and our mind, and I cannot wait to do this with you. Until next time, take really, really good care of you, friend.

Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.