Ep #110: How Much Responsibility Are You Taking?

[music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother. And I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode. Hi, friends. Welcome back to the podcast. I am excited to talk to you today, and I am so excited. The book is coming soon. December 5th, The People-Pleasers Guide to Co-Parenting Well is going to be available for you. And I would love it if you would like to be part of the book Tribe. What does that look like? Well, it means that you are just part of the tribe supporting other women, supporting us all as co-parents, as parents, as moms, as women. And I'm gonna have some really fun things coming up in December to support the book launch, and I want you to know about it. So if you're interested, all you have to do is go to www.mikkigardner.com/list, and then you're gonna be in the know on everything. So the link is in the show notes. Please do that because I cannot wait to link arms with you and get this little baby out into the world. So something I talk about on the podcast a lot is responsibility. And if you've listened to other episodes, you might know that I define responsibility a little bit different. The way that I think about responsibility is response-ability, meaning our ability to respond. This is where our power, our ability to change and transform lies where we learn to stop being reactive. Well, where we stop being reactive, and we start taking responsibility, right where we start choosing how we wanna show up instead of just reacting like a pinball or a ping-pong to anything that happens. And I wanna ask you a question. How much responsibility do you wanna take for your co-parenting journey? I mean, really stop for a second and think about how much responsibility have you been taking, and are you happy with that? You know, a lot of moms that I talk to think that it's their responsibility to sort of keep the peace, keep everybody moving. They think it's their responsibility to carry other people's load. Other people's emotions, other people's problems, or they think it's their responsibility to over-function because the other co-parent may be under functioning. That they have the "responsibility" to step up and do this, but that type of responsibility. Carrying other people's loads over-functioning, blaming, whether it's blaming others or themselves, this isn't the kind of responsibility that I'm talking about. I'm talking about how much do you want the ability to respond in any circumstance, whether it's positive or negative. And this is really what co-parenting well comes down to is am I choosing to take responsibility, to choose to find the ability to respond and choose to stop reacting. To really learn the skills, to ground yourself, to have the emotional freedom, and to have the regulated nervous system and regulated emotions to be able to respond. We might want to choose to be more responsive versus reactive, but if we haven't regulated our nervous system, if we haven't learned how to create emotional freedom for ourselves, and we're not aware of what's going on, and we're just reacting, we can't even get to that choice. And so that's what I wanted to ask you today, and talk about the steps to start to decide how much responsibility you wanna take. And when you do decide, because I know so many of you are beautiful, loving, strong moms who are like, heck yeah. I wanna take full responsibility. Not for the other person, but for my part of this. And these are the women that I love so much. These are the moms that I work with every day that are really doing the work, showing up, not making excuses, not blaming anymore, not judging, just saying, boom, how do I show up and do this? Right? What do I need to do to start to become the woman that I wanna be? I was just on the phone call with a woman this morning, and we've been working together for a few weeks now, and she said, I don't even know who I wanna be. So many of us weren't even given the opportunity to think about that, to dream about that, let alone start to live that way. But it's completely possible. And it starts with learning how to reparent yourself. So what is reparenting? It really just is choosing to be the parent for you today that you needed for your little girl version of you. It's learning how to love and mother yourself. It's learning how to deeply, deeply care for yourself. It's learning how to have a protective parent energy. So what do I mean by that? We all come from this energy. Whether it's the reactive place or responsive place. So what we wanna stand in is a protective parent energy. That parent that you really wanted as a kid, the one who was strong and grounded. Who wasn't reactive, but was present and wise. And that's the energy that you wanna come from today. And that's how we reparent ourselves. It's not one and done. It's something that we do over and over and over. It's an energy from which we live our lives. So it's learning how to lead from that strong future energy, that future self, who you desire to be who you wanna be, how do you wanna feel. We start to explore these things, look at these things, and then we reverse-engineer it, okay? If that's who I wanna be, and that's how I wanna feel, what would she be doing? How would she be acting in this? How would she respond to this? And then we start to make the little choices, the daily steps, the little steps along the way. I had a woman say to me the other day, she's like, I just don't wanna get so triggered. I just don't wanna fall apart anytime there's conflict, that's great. And I agree with her, we don't want that for her. But you know, I don't want her just managing through the chaos. I don't want her to just to be able to survive the relationship. I want her and you and every mom listening to this, not only just to be able to cope, but to grow and to thrive. And to become that next version of them. And so we have to think bigger, and we have to get out of the reaction. As long as we are just reacting, we're not moving forward. We're just staying stuck. So it's really about learning to take responsibility. Again, that ability to choose, the ability to respond. And how do we do that? Well, by developing self-trust. And this is a term that, yes, is probably used a lot in self-help these days. But how do you even trust yourself? Well, you and I both know that after a divorce, after infidelity, after a conflict, after a loss, a lot of times our trust in others is shattered. But more often than not, our trust in ourselves is shattered. And that's where we really have to start this reparenting process. This is where we have to start to come from so that we have the ability to respond in a different way, in a way that aligns with where we wanna go. And deep self-trust begins with even having the awareness. You know, I talk a lot about the three A's. Awareness, agency and aligned action. Well, awareness is where we always begin. When we are aware of a problem, when we're aware of how we're feeling, when we can kind of clear away and separate the facts from the fiction to get to the meat of the issue. Where we're not just reacting to whatever's coming our way, but we're really stopping and saying, what's really going on here? Is it the surface stuff that I see? Or is there something underneath that needs to be addressed? Self-trust looks like being willing to start that process to stop and say, Hmm, something's going on here. Why is this all chaotic? Why is all of this happening? We can, again, look at the surface of it and just react from there. Or we can stop and go a level deeper to identify what it is that is the problem, and then identify, well, how do I wanna move through it? How do I wanna feel to understand what's actually needed. If the problem is going on, and I'm gonna give some examples here, but we have to decide what is needed, and then actually start to address how to do that, how to meet that, whether it's an emotional or physical action, there are ways that we can start to move forward. So let's get out of the high level and look at a couple examples here. So let's use the blaming one. So you might be in a conflict with the other co-parent, and you're blaming your ex. You're blaming the other co-parent. They're the reason. They won't do this. They won't help me. They won't. They won't be part of the solution. They just are digging their heels in, and you feel very angry, disempowered, frustrated, and you stay stuck over and over again in that pattern. There's no movement. It's just reacting, trying to put a Band-Aid on it, trying to be the peacemaker, trying to ignore it, trying to move around it, try to act like it's not there. But all those things are just keeping you in this reactive cycle. So taking responsibility looks like stopping. Stopping where you are, and saying, what is really going on here? Why am I blaming them? What am I blaming them for? And then asking yourself, again, from this mothering, deeply caring and protective energy, asking yourself, how am I contributing to this problem? Who am I blaming right now? And how is that blame showing up? How is it manifesting? You know, it might look like the little snarky comments that we throw in that we think maybe might hit them right where it hurts. Or are we looking for solutions? Are we looking to interrupt the pattern? Are we willing to ask the questions to start to do that? These are not easy questions. But learning how to trust ourselves looks like asking the hard questions, asking the questions that actually get to the meat of the issue, and being willing to look honestly and openly at it again, because we know that we're trusting, mothering, and caring for ourselves from that protective energy. And that wise mom, she doesn't always agree with you. She doesn't always tell you, honey, you're awesome. You're doing the best job. No, she'll be honest. She'll show you where you might be contributing to the problem. And she will love you as you move through it to rectify it, to respond to it differently, to start creating solutions. You know, a lot of times what so many of us do, and so many of my clients, right, is we are over-functioners, especially when we're people-pleasers. Oh, we love to over-function. What is over-functioning? It's doing more than your fair share. And so many moms that I talk to say, well, I have to because my co-parent isn't stepping up. If I don't do it, who's gonna do it? If I don't do it, my children aren't gonna have it. If I don't take care of this, or if I don't make it better, then my kids are gonna have to see what's really going on, or they'll be hurt, or they won't feel loved. So it's really important to stop here when we are over-functioning, when we're making up for a chronic under-functioner, is to recognize there's a pattern here. I'm over-functioning, they're under-functioning. And how am I contributing to that? Am I even allowing the other person to step up? Or have we just gotten in this role where I've always taken care of everything and they've gotten really used to it? But if it's no longer working for you, you are allowed to change. And they're allowed to be upset about it, but you are allowed to shift and change, and you are allowed to say what responsibility you are going to take on and what you're not. And again, we're not looking to take on the responsibility of carrying other people's crap. Or over-functioning for them. But what it really looks like is how much ability to respond do I want? And then we start to build on that, again, by identifying how it is you wanna show up. How do you wanna feel? What's needed to get there. What are the actions? What is the attitude? What is the energy? What are the feelings that are needed to get there? And then starting to do it one tiny step at a time each and every day. It's the consistency. It's consistency over time to actually start responding and stop reacting that creates more and more trust. You get more and more trusting of yourself, and then you're willing to take bigger and bigger leaps and risks. And that's when you start to grow and change and transform in magnificent ways. And it's gonna be uncomfortable. That's part of the process. But we have to really decide, how do I wanna be uncomfortable? Do I wanna be uncomfortable because I'm really straining under the weight of carrying everyone else's stuff, the other co-parent baggage? Or do you wanna set all of that down and choose to respond differently? Choose to respond and care for yourself to love and mother yourself, to protect yourself from a protective parent energy and decide who do I wanna be? And then start to reverse-engineer that. Start to be that person today in the littlest of ways. One thing after another, one step in front of the next. This is how we change. It's not overly sexy. It's not overly like, whoa, I didn't see that coming. [laughter] But when I talk to my clients each and every day, and this is what I wanted to say to you, is that you have everything you need already within you to change. You do. And you have every ability to start to take as much or as little responsibility as you want, because you can choose to respond to your life in a way that feels aligned, in a way that feels loving, respectful, and protective of you. And yes, here's the thing, we women do a lot of heavy lifting. We do a lot of the work, but you know what? Because we can, we are so strong and so able to heal and nurture and love. I mean, we give birth to the world. Come on. We can do so many things. We can rebirth ourselves. We can really transform our entire lives. And when we rebirth ourselves, when we heal, when we change, everybody changes. And so, absolutely, it's your responsibility, just like it's my responsibility to be that healing mother, strong energy in my own life, but for my child, for my other co-parent, for my clients, for my family, for all the people around me. And I choose, that's a responsibility that I'm choosing. And I want you to choose the same thing, because this is where you create freedom and power. And this is how the world is gonna shift each and every one of us choosing to take responsibility. Our ability to respond in a way that is aligned, that is loving, and that moves us in the direction that we wanna go. Imagine a world, if we all did this, imagine what our children would see and experience every day. It would be extraordinary. And it's possible when we each decide how much responsibility we're willing to take. So I'm gonna leave you with that, and I want you to answer that question for yourself. And if you need support, I'm here. I'm here for you, whether it is on this podcast, whether it is the new book that's coming out, whether it's over on Instagram, or you're ready to dive in and make the changes. Listen my friend, it would blow your mind how much different you could feel in a short amount of time. When you stand up and you invest in yourself, when you invest in your wellbeing, in your future, and in your family, by saying, enough is enough. I am going to be, I am going to take responsibility. And that's what I teach in my coaching, is learning how to do that. Because when we learn how to do it, and we learn the process to actually be able to reverse-engineer what we want and make it happen each and every day, the sky is the limit. And yes, it takes time, it takes money, it takes energy to get there. Everything worth doing does, but you are worth it, my friend. Your children are worth it. Your family is worth it. So I want you to decide how much responsibility are you gonna take in your co-parenting? And then I want you to start taking that responsibility. And if you need support and want support with that, if you wanna accelerate that process and make it even faster, get a coach. I want you to DM me over on Instagram or send me an email and tell me you're ready, because I'm here to help you, and I know that you are going to be 100% successful because you, my friend, are completely worth it. Until next time, take really, really good care of you. See you next week. Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or your qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]