Ep #57: Holiday Intention Setting

Welcome to the Co-Parenting with Confidence Podcast. I'm your host, Mikki Gardner, and this is episode number 57, Holiday Intention Setting. [music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach, with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Welcome back, friend. I'm so excited that you're here. I wanna start with a question. So when you think about the holiday season that's approaching, how are you feeling? Are you so excited that you're just jingling with excitement, or do you find yourself feeling more like the Grinch even at the thought of the holidays coming? Or maybe you just have a sinking feeling of dread, that makes you wanna just stop the calendar from letting the holidays approach. Well, no matter where you are, this episode is for you. But before we dive into the episode, I just wanna thank you for being here with me. I know there's a gazillion things you could be doing and so many amazing podcast you could be listening to, but I'm so grateful you're listening to this, and if you're new here, welcome. I'm super grateful that you found me, and speaking of finding me, you know I pour everything into this podcast, and I love being here with you, and if you find value from it and you enjoy listening, I would be so immensely grateful if you would rate and review it on Apple Podcasts. The reviews and the ratings are so huge to podcast because it helps others find the podcast. So if you would take a few moments to go over and rate and review this show, I would really appreciate it, and if you add a five-star review, that would be amazing, but even if you don't, I would be so grateful to hear what you think. What's resonating? What you'd like to hear more of? So let's dive into today. So as I was thinking about this podcast and with the holidays approaching, I thought I really want to create an episode that really helps you create a holiday season that works for you, that feels good. I mean, I don't know about you, but this year has just flown by, and I can't believe that we're already here in November with the holidays so quickly approaching. I realized when Halloween came around, oh my gosh, right? It's just gonna fly right by and the whole year is flown by. And when we're feeling that sort of lack of control over how quickly things are moving, that's always a sure sign to me that I need to slow down and take stock and set intention of where I wanna be. Because honestly, the world is moving so fast, there's so much technology, everything is sort of streaming 24/7, it's really our responsibility to slow down, to be able to be intentional with how we're showing up, be intentional in the life that we're living. And I wanna talk about being intentional with the holidays. So the holidays can be really hard when we think about co-parenting. Nobody gets married and has children to get divorced. And oftentimes, when I see people really struggle, moms and dads really struggle, it's around the holidays, it's around those big traditions where family was supposed to be sort of that Norman Rockwell image that we all had in our mind of what it meant to be in a big, happy family with all the people over at the holidays. And when we get divorced, right, and we have to share time and maybe share holidays, this really challenges the dreams and the ideals and the beliefs that we hold. And so part of surviving the holiday season with co-parenting is learning how to be really intentional, how to decide what is going on, what you have control over and how you wanna show up. And so that's kind of what we're gonna talk about here, whether this is your first holiday alone, maybe along with the kids, or totally on your own. Maybe you're a few years in and the holidays have not gone well, and you're just dreading another disappointing, frustrating holiday. Wherever you are, really, I want you to come, I want you to sort of go through this. Stop, wherever you are, I want you just to allow yourself to start fresh. And what I mean is start to really create an intention for this holiday, and I'm not talking about every holiday from here on out, just this holiday season. It's really meeting yourself where you are today and deciding, how do I wanna show up with what I have available to me, with what the current circumstance is, and how do I wanna be intentional about the way I experience it? So I'm gonna break it down into a couple of different areas, but the first is just getting intentional and what does that even mean? It means slowing down enough that you can start to choose what you want holiday season to look like, and you ask yourself, what do I want it to look like? How do I wanna feel at Thanksgiving or at Christmas? What's important to me? Is it doing all of the holiday things with your kids, maybe it's doing every single activity that you can do, and that feels fun and energizing, and you wanna do that, or maybe you just crave rest. Maybe you crave space, calm. If that's what you wanna do, that's where you focus, whatever it is, it's stopping to get intentional to decide what feels true, what feels healing, what feels supported for me right now. Because what's going on in your life right now may be different from a year ago, or how it will be in a year. So what you wanna do is really stop and ground yourself into what is true today, and how do I wanna approach it? And this is the next step. It means being really realistic. And what do I mean by that? Well, so often we get really stuck in what we want to be true. Right? Versus what is true. So what does this look like in real life? Well, it's, I don't wanna spend the holiday without my kids, I don't wanna spend Christmas morning without my kids. But maybe you are, maybe the parenting plan says that that's what's happening, maybe they're going away with the other parent, but the more we resist, the more suffering that we create for ourselves. So all the, "I wish it were different. I wish it wasn't this way," while that is valid and it might be how you feel, it keeps you stuck. And so I'm not talking about toxic positivity here of just thinking positively, but what I am saying is we have to stop and be realistic, what is true? Well, if it is true that this is my first Christmas or my first holiday season alone with the kids. What do I want that to look like? Right? We go get intentional. What do I want it to feel like? How do I wanna show up for my children? Maybe this is your first holiday on your own. You know, if this is... If you're very new to divorce, the first year is a year of firsts, so many things you have to do for the first time, and so you might not know exactly how you're gonna feel, right, but what you can do is get as intentional as you can to decide in advance, how I wanna feel, what I want to do, so that you can then make decisions from a very grounded place. And part of that is just getting really realistic with what is happening here, what is the situation, what is my circumstance, and then moving through it in an intentional grounded way. I remember the first Thanksgiving that I had without my son, and we share Thanksgiving, so the poor kid eats two Thanksgiving feels every year, he doesn't even care for them that much, but that's the way that we did it. And so I thought, well, it's gonna be fine, 'cause I have him sort of the first half of the day and then I'll drop him off and then I'll hang out with my family and it will be great and everything will be fine. So I just sort of went gangbusters as I always did, I do all the cooking and... Well, most of it, my dad does the turkey. But I did a lot of the cooking and I'm running around and I'm doing all the things, and then I had to... We had to eat dinner so fast so that we could get him to his dad's on time, and I raced over there and I dropped him off and I said goodbye, and I got in the car and I fell apart. Fell apart because I had been running all day to create this holiday, to keep the traditions that we've always kept, but on a new time frame because he had to be at his dad's at a certain time, and I had missed the whole day. I had just been running around doing all the things, and then I dropped him off and I felt awful. So I remember going home, it was warm that day, so I got my dog and we started walking, and we walked, and we walked and we walked. And I remember just feeling so sad and it reminded me the next year, I learned from that experience, that for me, doing that, trying to keep that tradition that we'd always had before the divorce, and trying to now shove it into this condensed time frame, and then me being all alone after didn't work for me. I didn't enjoy it, I didn't show up the way that I wanted to, and I didn't get to connect the way that I wanted to. So I had to then learn the next year, how do I want to show up? And I wanna tell you that I learned the first time and that I did a great job and that everything was easy after that. That's not true, right, but we learn through every experience, and that's why once I started to get ahead of it and get intentional and really start to choose what's going on for me this year. For me, this year, ease is something that I need. We've had a really, really hard year. In my life, in my personal life, and with my family, and there has been a lot going on, and this year has just taken it out of me. And so when I stop and think about what I want this holiday to feel like, it's easy. It's calm, it's grounded. There's not a lot of hassle. There's not a lot of stress. And for me, that's what I feel is true. And so that's what I am creating intentionally for this holiday season, we also... I decided to do... I'm still gonna host 'cause I love doing it, but we're not doing Thanksgiving because my ex and his wife are doing that traditional Thanksgiving with her family, and that's wonderful. So [0:11:55.9] ____ Lilan will, my son will get to go and do that, and so instead, we're from Detroit, so the lions always play on Thanksgiving. So we're just gonna eat a bunch of appetizers, watch the game, and that's it, and call it a day, because that's what feels true for me this year, that's what actually feels healing and easy, and when I say easy, I don't mean the quick way out, I mean what creates ease and flow, and that's it. So that whole long story is just to tell you that every year, every time, every holiday season will not look the same. I mean, you know this in your own life, and whether this is your first time after divorce or your fifth or your 10th or your 15th, it's really getting intentional. Where am I at today? What is true? Be realistic about what's happening, where you're at, and then decide intentionally how you wanna feel. And then the third tip I have for this is really getting ahead of it. So what does that mean? Just like I described, we decided this year, I don't have it in me to do the full giant meal and race through everything for the first half of the day. And so what I decided is I wanna decide something that's connective that allows my family to all come together, we're not a huge family, but those of us that are in town, we're gonna come together, we're gonna do what we can, and if everyone wants to join great, and if they don't, that's okay too. But I said, here's what we're doing. Here's the time that I'm doing it. This is my tradition, my new tradition for this year, and I hope you can join us, and it's that simple, because I'm owning what's true for me, what I can do, and I'm welcoming, which is important, that's one of my values, to spend time and connect with others, and so I really had to get intentional. I had to decide ahead of time what was going to be in my best interest, my son's best interest, my family's best interest, and sometimes those don't all align, but I have to go with where I'm at and what would feel most intentional and supportive and healing, because when I'm doing that and I'm coming from that place, I'm the strongest, most loving version of me, and that's the version that I wanna be for everyone else. Getting ahead of it might also mean having the hard conversations that you need to have. I know a number of my clients have these huge families, really big families. And so one of my clients that I was talking to the other day, she's really dreading the Christmas holiday because it's her first time alone without her children, her ex is gonna be taking the kids to his family's house. And she's not going. So I said, "Well, what are you gonna do." When we started to plan her holidays and what that looks like, and she said, "Well, I'll just go with my family." And I said, "Okay, what do you imagine?" And she said, "Well, it's always really loud because all the kids are running around and, but it'll make me feel okay, it'll make me feel like things are normal." Okay, great. If that feels supportive, go do that. But maybe being around everyone else who maybe is or isn't a blended family, having the kids running around might not be supportive for you right this moment, if you're in your first or second or third sort of iteration of holidays. So it's really taking the time and trying the experiences, definitely try, if it feels right, and then learn from it, because sometimes being around all of those kids and people at the holidays actually makes you feel worse, and if that's true, then you let yourself be with that and choose a different tradition, choose to do something else that feels more supportive. Right, if you have other friends that are in the same boat, maybe you create a space together, or what it might look like is if you love those big family dinners, if you love the big traditional get togethers, but your kids aren't with you on the actual holiday, you know what you can do? Make a second holiday. I know that everyone says, "Well, it's not the same day. It's not the same thing." Well, I'm a firm believer that the idea of Santa Claus is just magic, and that magic can be on any day. So when you create the magic, when you create the tradition, when you create everybody coming together to celebrate each other for a holiday and to be grateful, that can happen any day. And so this is part of it, it's getting creative, it's being willing to challenge your idea that it has to happen on this certain day or that certain day, and letting yourself be intentional and choose how do I wanna show up? And when do I wanna do that? And what does that look like? So when I say get ahead of it, part of it is having those conversations that you have to have. If being around everyone or doing, going to the holiday parties that you've always gone to before, but isn't feeling aligned for you this year, it's saying ahead of time, "I can't make it, but I'd love to see you. Maybe for coffee or lunch." Right? "I'd love to be there, but I can't make it this year." Or simply, when you get the invitation, "I appreciate the invitation. But I can't come." It's just getting ahead of the conversation and being intentional in choosing what you're gonna do and how you're gonna do it. And maybe it's telling your parents or your family that expects you to be at a holiday, that just feels a little overwhelming for you, to be willing to have the conversation ahead of time and say," I love you and I can't come." Right? "This feels most supportive for me this year, and I hope that you can understand," and then you let them feel disappointed, upset, whatever, but you're choosing to honor and to care for you, and that is what's most important here, because for you to be able to really honor and care for others, we have to also extend that to ourselves, and when we force and ignore and resist and try to make the holidays something that it isn't, often we just end up resentful and exhausted and frustrated and spent. So that's why I wanted to offer you sort of these guidelines to just think through before the holidays arrive, to really get intentional, ask yourself What do I want, what do I need this season? What do I want the holiday season to feel like? And then you can start to build a game plan from there. And then the second thing was to be realistic, right? To not attach, to be realistic for what is true today. It doesn't mean it will forever be the same way, but what is true today, because when you live in that I wish it were different, you just stay stuck. So you have to really ask yourself, what is true, and how can I support myself even when this is true? And then the third thing was really to get ahead of things. Once you're intentional, once you know and you're very realistic with yourself, get ahead of it, is there a conversation that you have to have? Are there parameters that you have to put in place, are there things that you have to say no to, are there new traditions that you wanna create? You get ahead of it and do those with intention and love and purpose, and then we let go of the rest, we let go of other people's opinions, we let go of other people's reaction, and you know and trust that when you are loving and supporting you and your children and your family and trying to show up in the best way that you can, that it's never a wrong decision. I hope this is helpful and it... I hope it gives you a starting point to work from. And if you want help with your holiday’s intentions. No worries, I've got you. I have two amazing options for you. On November 15th, I'm hosting a holiday workshop so that you can make intentional choices for your holidays, and so you don't get triggered into Grinch mode, but you actually are creating space for peace and healing this season. So that's on November 15th, it's a free workshop and I would love to see you there. The second option for you is to jump on a clarity call with me, if you want help actually working through your individual situation to create an actionable plan for the holidays that's doable, and it creates the experience that you truly desire, then let's get on a clarity call so that I can help you do that. Both of the links are in the show notes, so you can choose what's best for you. Or choose both of them, give yourself that gift of intentionality and clarity for this holiday season. I'm offering it to you as my gift, and so I want you to receive it. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. I'm so grateful to be here with you, I'll see you next week and, in the meantime, take a really, really good care of you friend. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]