Ep #16: Building A Healthy Co-Parenting Relationship

I’m Mikki Gardner, and this is the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast, episode number 16, Building A Healthy Co-Parenting Relationship. Do you want more harmony and cooperation from the other co-parent, less conflict, and more partnership? Well, stay tuned because today we are talking about the foundation to building a healthy co-parenting relationship. Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name’s Mikki Gardner. I’m a Certified Life and Conscious Parenting Coach, with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I’m here to help you do the same. If you’re ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let’s dive into today’s episode. Hello, friend. I’m excited to have you back here. In the last few episodes here of January we’ve been talking a lot about building an intentional life, being purposeful, being conscious of our decisions and being aware. Why? So that we can show up as the mom, and the woman, and the co-parent that we truly want to be no matter what, no matter how anyone else is acting. And we’re going to really bring this full circle today and talk about building a healthy co-parenting relationship. Now, I understand that some of you are going to say, “Well, that’s just simply not possible for me, Mikki, because the other co-parent doesn’t want to have a relationship, or is a complete jerk,” or any number of things. But here’s the thing, I want you to realize that just like we talked about last week there are always choices. We might not love them, we might not be happy with all of the choices available, and we might really wish that things were different but that does not negate the power that we do have. And the power that we do have is how we are showing up and that is what we’re going to be talking about today. When we want a harmonious and cooperative co-parenting relationship we have to begin by being harmonious and cooperative even when the other people aren’t. And this is difficult. When I started thinking about this episode what came to mind was one of my favorite quotes from Oprah. She says, “Please be responsible for the energy you bring into each space.” And it’s so true. We have to be conscious and deliberate with the energy that we bring. So, for us to be able to start to align towards the life that we actually want to be living and showing up as the woman, and the mom, and the co-parent that we want to, well, we have to start to make some choices about how we are today. Often we feel like we don’t have any choices in this situation, when we’re not happy with the way the relationship is going with the other co-parent, maybe our children are struggling. Maybe there is a lot of frustration and conflict going on. Maybe we’re just not showing up the way that we want to, and we feel like we have no control. I mean we’ve all had those times when we wake up in the morning with the best of intentions to show up calm and loving. And then 10 minutes in we’ve already lost our temper, yelled at our kids, sent off nastygrams to the other co-parent. We’ve all been there. I’m not saying that you have to be living a life of perfection, or never losing control, or never losing your temper, that’s just not realistic. But what I am talking about is how do we want to be showing up? How do we want to be responsible for the energy that we are bringing in? And to me it really comes down to integrity. So, it starts with the way that we’re thinking about ourself, our self-belief, the vision that we have. And we really have just two options that we can choose from here. Again, there are options. But we can either choose the past version of us or we can choose the future version of us. The past self is based on fear, it’s based usually on past failures. When we look backwards it’s typically we’re looking at the things that haven’t worked out. And when we’re not living the life that we want to be living today and we use the past version of ourself as our vision, our self-vision, and the beliefs that we hold are based on that past, do you know what we’re going to get more of? That. The other option is our future self. Our future self is based on desire, it’s based on possibility, it’s based on what we truly want. The vision which is really just the story that we’re telling ourselves fuels what we create. If we’re stuck in the past, if we’re stuck in fear we spend time in the predictability of the past. This sounds like the I told you so’s, the why try, it’s never going to work out, or this always happens to me. Or the other story that we can tell ourself, the other vision that we can hold is based on desire. This is when we spend time in possibility, this sounds more like, I want, fill in the blank. I believe, fill in the blank. This is based on abundance, where fear is based on scarcity. So which vision do you want to be spending time with every day? It’s a choice but it’s also a commitment. For us to have a different life we have to be willing to think, and feel, and act differently than we have in the past. It requires us to really create a new self-vision for ourself, one based on desire and possibility. And this is where integrity comes in. Integrity is a commitment you make intentionally to your future self no matter what. It is where you choose to live in a state of wholeness and worthiness. What does this look like? We choose worthiness as a state of mind. We are choosing a core belief that we are loved, and we are worthy exactly as we are. I believe that this is the truth of the universe. When we choose to believe this, when we accept this truth for ourselves, things shift because we are creating beliefs about ourselves that create love and acceptance. Loving and accepting ourselves then drives actions of purpose, of honesty, of truth and integrity. These actions are what support us and strengthen us. It’s not simple but it comes down to how we behave and really how much integrity we’re willing to hold. So, it’s really about committing to our future self today, starting to believe that future vision and letting go of that past vision, choosing to try different things to get different results. And it really all comes down to having a commitment mindset. What does this look like? It’s the even when mindset. It’s a commitment to becoming the woman that you want to be now. I mean here’s the beautiful part of it, you already are her. You’re already whole, and beautiful, and complete, and loved, and worthy exactly as you are. We just forget it. We came into this Earth knowing that, babies when they’re born, they know this. They don’t have all the drama wondering if their cry is loud enough, if their little face is cute enough. They already know this but somewhere along the line we get conditioned, and we forget. And so having that commitment mindset, that even when mindset is really committing to coming back to your true authentic self, who you truly are. And the universe brings us opportunities every second of every day to become her. But oftentimes we resist them, or we ignore that, or we wallow in the pity that everything is wrong. Instead of seeing them as roadblocks or obstacles, we can choose that commitment mindset and start seeing these opportunities to become her, to figure it out. The even when mindset helps us because it’s even when the struggles happen, even when the problems arise, even when failure occurs, even when people leave, even when the ex is mad at us, even when our kids are struggling, we stay committed to being our best selves and we stay in integrity. We commit to that future self, we commit to our authentic self. What does that look like? It looks like working on how we feel about ourselves. It looks like choosing abundance and gratitude. It looks like taking responsibility and cleaning up our messes. It looks like allowing ourself to believe in who we are becoming and who we already are exactly today. When we start to act in integrity we start to build the belief of ourselves, we start to trust ourselves more. And then we start to seek to live a more impeccable life, not because we should but because we want to, because we feel deserving and worthy of it. And so why is all of this coming up before I start talking about building a healthy co-parenting relationship? Because it really comes down to how you are believing and thinking about yourself. When we don’t have a strong sense of self-love, when we don’t have a strong commitment to who we want to become we are like a candle in the wind. We’ll blow out whenever a strong wind comes by. And so instead we have to really ground down, become that oak tree that I talked about in the last episode, or the lighthouse that even when you don’t see the light it comes around, it’s always guiding you even when there’s darkness. So that’s what I wanted to talk about today is really how we start to build a healthier co-parenting relationship. Once we have started building that relationship with ourself and we’re focusing on that, and we’re strengthening that then we can really start to focus on building a healthier co-parenting relationship. And so, I’ve created a freebie that I will have in the show notes for you but I’m going to walk through some of the pillars here in this episode. So, the first pillar is prioritizing the relationship. So, there is you, there is the other co-parent but then there’s the relationship. That relationship needs its own time, and attention, and energy. I mean married or not you still are in a relationship. And so, it’s really important that for us to be able to prioritize the co-parenting relationship we have to separate it from the past relationship. We have to realize that it is a new relationship, it has to be cared for and built, attention given to it otherwise it’s not going to make it. It’s like any other relationship. Now, this is really challenging, I understand when you have an ex that doesn’t want to be in a relationship or doesn’t want to communicate at all. I understand how difficult this can be, but it doesn’t change the fact that you get to choose how you look at it. And instead of focusing so much on the other person and what they are or are not doing, we can start to focus on the relationship. How can I strengthen this relationship? How can I show up and bring my best energy? How can I be responsible for my energy within this relationship? So, within that relationship we also have to create a vision. We have to have a goal for any relationship. And this brings me to the second pillar which is creating a shared family vision. This is a combination of flexible agreements, dreams, and goals that you and your family share for each other. Now, I understand that you’re probably saying, “Mikki, that’s not even possible, we can’t do that. We’re too separate, or we have two houses, everything’s different.” But what we can agree on is what we need to find out. What is the shared vision? What is the shared interest? And why is this important? Because for there to be a healthy co-parenting relationship, the first and foremost shared vision for this is that it is child focused. And what I mean by that is that the children are the entire point of this. When we get divorced, if there aren’t children involved you frankly never have to talk to the person ever again if you don’t want to. But when there are children there, they are the priority. And it is trying to figure out how we co-parent in a way that is going to be best for them, that is going to support them. And so sometimes even when there’s conflict or a lot of disagreements, can we agree on one thing? That the children come first. And so, when we have that agreement, when we have that shared goal, that shared common vision, well, then that’s what everything gets funneled through. If it’s not about the kids we don’t talk about it. We decide in those moments based on what’s important, what that shared vision is, we decide what’s important, what matters. We also can decide what we need to let go of or what is a non-negotiable. So why is this important? Because it really does help us guide the way that we act, and feel, and show up. When we have a shared family vision it acts as a funnel. We can funnel all of the decisions through it. If it’s not child focused, maybe we don’t do it, maybe we don’t talk about it. And so that’s what a shared family vision can look like maybe when there’s conflict, or when there’s not a lot of cooperation. But even with your kids in your own house you can create a shared family vision. And I have a separate worksheet for that too if you’re interested. But how do you really create that combination of flexible agreements that you guys can all live within? Because the clearer you are the more compassion you can have for one another. And so, sitting down and really spending the time to define what is important to you can reap huge results down the line. One of the other pillars that I wanted to talk about of building a healthy co-parenting relationship is about listening. And it’s listening to understand, not to control. So, what do I mean by this? When we listen from the lens of defending, we miss out on the opportunity to understand the other person. But when we listen with curiosity we open up to cooperation. So often I know that I have found sometimes when I’m feeling defensive, when I’m feeling attacked, I start listening and I start planning my rebuttal. I’m not really listening to what they’re saying. I’m going through what I’m going to say in response. That’s not listening to understand, that’s listening to try to control the situation. Instead, what I am suggesting is that learning how to have that mindset and that flexible thinking. In one of the earlier episodes, I can’t remember the number of it right now, but we talk a lot about flexible thinking. Opening up to curiosity and this is where this comes in because when we are willing to put down our defenses for a moment and listen to understand, even if we don’t agree with the person but to try to understand where they’re coming from, what is it that they’re really asking? When someone is acting out, or frankly, most of the time any interaction that we have with people it’s really a bid for attention. We’re constantly asking for people’s attention, their approval, their acknowledgement. And so, when we can start to understand that they’re asking for something and get curious to figure out what that is, it doesn’t mean that we have to give it to them or agree with them, but we can start to understand. And when we are in a place of understanding we have much more power because we can cooperate. The Course in Miracles has a wonderful lesson and it’s, am I willing to see this differently? And this really comes in here. As soon as I start to find myself being very defensive and getting on the attack, this is a question I ask myself, am I willing to see this differently? Sometimes the answer might be no, but hopefully more times than not I’m willing to try. The fourth pillar that I want to talk about today is treat others with respect. This really comes down to that even when commitment mindset. To choose who you want to be and then show up that way. Listen, it might be super easy to react and hurl back insults when someone throws it at you but it’s just frankly low energy and low vibe. It creates damage and it is not showing respect to us or to them. I mean here’s the thing, whenever we go back and attack someone, or attack them back, it might feel good for a minute. But more times than not down the road it doesn’t make us feel good, or there’s fallout from it that we have to deal with. And so, when we really focus on treating the other with respect even when they might not be offering that to us, we have a greater influence and a greater opportunity to show up and influence the situation. It’s really hard to fight with someone who won’t fight back. And I’m not suggesting that you should never fight, far from it. When something is really important and a non-negotiable and you believe so passionately in it, absolutely. When we are willing to go to the mat for something because we feel so strongly in our bones that it’s the right thing, that is living in integrity. That is being committed to your future self. That is being committed to doing what you believe is the right thing and that is always where we want to be coming from. But there is times when we don’t treat someone with respect, especially our ex when we get nasty, and short, and frustrated. But those are the moments when we need to step back and say, “Who do I really want to be?” And to be responsible for the energy that we’re bringing into that space. I like to think of it as a game of hot potato. When someone throws the insult at me, it’s like a hot potato. Do I want to catch it and get burned or do I want to just step to the side and let it fly be me and just be grateful I didn’t pick that one up? I don’t know. The next time a hot potato gets thrown towards you, you get to decide. So, like I said at the beginning of this episode, if we want to create a different relationship, if we want to create a healthier co-parenting relationship, one with more harmony, more cooperation, we have to be willing to show that and give that first. And so, to do that we have to be very clear, very aware of who we are, of what is important to us, of what we will and what we won’t accept, of how we are going to act even when other things are happening around us. And this is the point, to be able to offer yourself the compassion, and the forgiveness, and the grace that you want others to offer you. Creating a healthier relationship and a more cooperative co-parenting relationship is possible. And I’m not suggesting that it will be easy and I’m not suggesting that the other parent is just going to totally turn around and be like, “Absolutely, I’m onboard, let’s see what we can do here.” Oftentimes that’s not the case and I appreciate that. But they’re not going to change and they’re not going to suddenly come around if we keep doing the same thing that we’ve been doing over and over. We have to be willing to think differently, to act differently if we want different results in our life. And so, when we want to work towards that ideal relationship that we want to build we have to get really clear on what that looks like, and we have to start acting like that now. We just have to start becoming and use that future vision for ourself, the possibility and the desire of what we want and start showing up that way today. I hope that you’ve gotten some real tangible ways of how you can start showing up differently and becoming a more positive influencer in your family and your world. This whole month of January I hope has brought you some points to ponder, some different perspectives. And I’m here to help you through any of it. I’m on Instagram, just DM me or find me over there or shoot me an email. And if you want my freebie, The Eight Pillars of a Healthy Co-Parenting Relationship, it’ll be in the show notes for you to download or you can just go to www.mikkigardner.com/healthycoparenting. And one last thing. If you’re receiving value from this free podcast, I would be so grateful if you would rate and review the show. This helps me more than you know. It helps me not only deliver more of what you love, when you rate and review, it also helps more women find the show so that we can create more peace and alignment in this world for us and for our kiddos. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. I’ll see you next week and in the meantime, take really good care of you. Bye, friend. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit CoParentingwithConfidence.com. I’ll see you next week.