Ep #106: Healing Lessons for When Things Feel Too Much

[music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner. I'm a Certified Life and Conscious Parenting Coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Welcome back to the podcast. I'm excited to be here with you. Today, I just wanted to pop in for a quick episode. I was on the call the other day with a new client, and she is in one of those spots where she's done a lot of healing, but there's a lot more to go. And she and I are gonna dive in and do the work together so that she gets her co-parent and her co-parenting relationship to a place that she is feeling more calm and more confident in. But simultaneously, one of the things that we were talking about is how can she support herself to heal because she feels like she's doing all these different things, but she doesn't really feel like it's cemented, like she's feeling grounded, like she's feeling really rooted. And so I was sharing some thoughts with her and I wanted to share them with you because maybe you're finding yourself kind of feeling in one of those places where you're feeling untethered, maybe like a balloon sort of going in the air just at the mercy of the wind, or sometimes we feel like a horse that's tied up to one of those little stakes in the ground. And it can only go in this little tiny circle, wherever you're feeling and maybe you're feeling like I wish I could just move forward, really get some momentum going, I wanna offer you an idea here. And it might seem counterintuitive because often we think that we need to be doing more, that in order for us to make these great strides and to change and to get maybe our other co-parent to hear us and to understand us or our children to be more cooperative, we need to do more. But there's something that I've learned in life, and I learned it through yoga. And it's this idea that it's actually in doing less that we create more. And so I wanted to go into some of the lessons that I've learned from my yoga practice, and maybe they will not convince you, but maybe they will offer you some perspective so that you can seek out maybe a practice that works for you or something else. But we each need to really devote time to healing. Time does not heal wounds. Time does make things feel less painful. It sort of takes the sharpness off the edges of the pain, but time doesn't heal. What does heal us is the efforts, the decisions and the choices that we make to heal ourselves. And oftentimes we are just so busy. Busy doing, trying to do more, be more, have more, and we're just reacting to all the things that are around us. Maybe we are so convinced from all these stories that we've held for so long that it's hard to move forward. And listen, after divorce, when we are moving forward, it's like a whole new ball game. Yes, you have the same kids you had, but now it feels different, it feels inherently harder, feels like you have less resources, less time, less energy, less of everything, and more responsibility. I get it. And this is where I wanna start from, is that I don't wanna add one more thing to your to-do list that you have to do to be better, to have more. That's not what we're doing on this podcast, and it's certainly not what I do in my coaching. It's how can you take what you already have, how can you use what you have available to you to really dive in, dig in and help yourself heal so that you can create the life that you want because it's completely possible. And I did learn a lot of these lessons in different ways, but yoga has cemented them for me, and I've done... It used to be called Bikram yoga, and some people call it hot yoga. It's a specific kind of yoga that's been around for thousands and thousands of years. That's why I always look to the ancient things, the things that have lasted the test of time. This isn't some new idea. No, these are actual practices that have been used for thousands of years healing human bodies. And so I started yoga out of desperation. When my marriage came to a screeching halt, I remember that weekend I couldn't be alone. And the friend that stayed with me, so dear, and she finally by Sunday said, "Mikki, I've gotta go to yoga. I need a break." I was a lot. I'm the first to admit it. And she said, "Will you be okay?" And I said, "Sure, yeah." She was going to 90-minute yoga. I've got this. No problem. I don't even think she got to the front door before I was raising my hand, "Can I go with you?" I did not wanna be alone. And so I went to my first yoga class. And at first, it just felt like a safe space, it felt like a refuge because it was so challenging and it was so hot and it was so intimidating, but it also was healing and this unusual experience. So it was something new for me to try to do, and I did that for a while, and I did it on and off for years. And then I think I've mentioned it on the podcast, I had a accident about 18 months ago where my dog shattered my knee, and I was on crutches for about five months of last year, and it was really, really challenging. And so when I started to come back and started to heal, I was really struggling with how slow the recovery was. And so I knew that this style of yoga was really helpful for post-surgery, for injuries. And so I decided to come back to it, and I have been doing a very regular practice of three, maybe four times a week, and the changes that I have seen have been nothing short of miraculous. But as I was thinking about it, I was thinking there's some real lessons here that I have learned that I not only use in the yoga room, but then I use out in my regular life too, and I wanted to just offer a couple of them to you today. One of them is the lesson that every day your body is different. It really still amazes me. I'll go one day and I feel great. I'm a rock star, I'm doing all of the postures, I feel like I'm really making progress, and then I go in the next day and literally can't get off the mat. I'm like, what is going on? It was like a two-day difference. But every day your body is different and we need to meet ourselves where we are without expectation and with compassion. And I feel like this is so important for when we are on the healing journey of divorce because there are so many ups and downs. When we're co-parenting with someone else, you know how it is. There's highs and there's lows, and some mornings you don't even know what to expect. It can be totally fine, and then the next minute it isn't, and we have to be willing to meet ourselves wherever we are. Some days we're tired, some days we're lacking energy, some days we're ready to take on the world and get it all done, but we can't expect ourselves to be a machine and be the same every day. And if we do expect that and then we can't meet it because we can't because we're human, not because anything's wrong with you, then you get really frustrated with yourself and beat yourself up, and that is not a place of growth. And so that was one of the things that I really learned, is that I have to meet myself as I am on the mat each and every day. Another one of the lessons is that growth and flexibility take time. The hot yoga that I do is hot, [chuckle] and I mean hot. I hate sweating. Probably one of my least favorite things, but I love it in there. It's about 105 to 110 degrees with about 40% humidity and I sweat like crazy, and I think it's amazing. Sweating outside of the yoga room, not a fan, but inside, I am. And the flexibility, you do get some innate flexibility in that heat. That's why they heat the room so that your muscles are a little bit looser so that you can do all of these postures without hurting yourselves. But what I learned from that is even with the heat, growth and flexibility takes time. The results take a lot of time, and it's the patience to do the practice every day even when you're not seeing the results. And that's what I talk to my clients about, is that we can't just decide to change and start acting differently and then expect everything to be different. No, growth and change and transformation in ourselves and others takes time. And so we have to be willing to stay committed to it in order to wait to see the results. When we are trying to control the results, we get frustrated. When you want the other co-parent to agree with you, or you know what? I'm being really nice, why are they being such a you know what? Well, it's not that easy, it's not that linear. And so we really do have to understand that the growth and the flexibility and the change happens, but it only happens when we're actually allowing ourself the time and the space for it to happen without trying to control it. And this is one of the other things that we have to learn to really trust ourselves to show up. And that's one of the things about yoga, as well as other things that we're doing in our life, but really saying, I'm going to do this thing because I know that it is helping me. Even when I don't wanna do it, even when I don't feel like doing it, I am going to stay committed. And I think the beautiful thing about really showing up to a space like yoga is that you're alone with yourself and a lot of us don't like to be, me included, don't like to be alone with ourselves. And so by saying, I'm going to this class, I'm going... All it's gonna be is me looking in the mirrors in my own eyes doing the best that I can, being compassionate with myself, pushing myself, being gentle with myself. When we are able to do that over and over in the room, well, then we start to do it outside of the room too, and that's where the transformations really start to come in. But it first starts with just deciding that you are going to show up for yourself, and this is one of the hardest things. I know that I have people reach out all the time that want help, want to change, but they're just not ready. They're curious about change, but not committed to change yet, and it's okay. And then when you are ready to commit, to commit to the change, that's when you go all in. And I feel like that's one of the things that we do, is when we really commit and say, no, I am going to trust myself to show up, to do this, to do this practice in yoga, to do this coaching, to do this therapy, whatever it is, I'm committed to doing it long-term. Not just once or twice, and being upset if I don't see results, but showing up over and over and over again to allow myself the space to heal because you matter. And being willing to sit with yourself on the mat in yoga or in therapy or coaching or any other modality, it's just you saying to yourself, I matter. I matter enough to take this time to put my energy, my time, my money, all of those things in there for my own benefit, for my healing. The other thing that I've learned through yoga is about the heat. Again, I said I don't really like heat, I don't like being hot, but here it's very intentional because yes, it adds to the flexibility, it sort of allows your muscles to be in a state where they're more receptive to being able to be stretched and pushed and grown. But what it also does is gives you the opportunity to really increase your mental toughness, and this is one thing in co-parenting that we need more than anything. It is the mental toughness to stay in the game even when it's uncomfortable. I was just in yoga the other morning, and I could barely stay in the room, and that was one of those days where my only job was to not leave the room. That was it. If I didn't do any postures, I was okay with it as long as I didn't leave the room. And everything in my mind is telling me it's too hot, you've gotta get out of here, but it was my job just to sit down, to stay present, to stay calm and to trust that I could do it. And you know what? The more that I do that and the more that all of us in the room do that, the stronger we get mentally, the stronger we get spiritually, the stronger we get energetically, and we need that in this world. To be able to handle the complexities, the frustrations of co-parenting, of parenting, of all of it, we need to have that mental toughness and that compassion for ourselves to be able to meet us where we are, to stay in the room, to stay calm and to keep going. You need that, your kids need that of you, and you are totally capable of doing this. So the last thing that I'll say here is there are three qualities th. Whether it's in being an adult, whether it's being a co-parent, whether it's being a mom, whether it's being a friend, it is our ability to be in stillness with ourselves because that's when we are grounded and calm. It's being able to focus, focus on the task at hand instead of being sidelined by all of the things going on. Our ability to be singularly focused on what is in front of us is a super power. And the last one is alignment. Again, we don't have to be perfect. And healing takes time, and we make mistakes and other people make mistakes, but if we are able to be still, to stay focused and to stay aligned with what truly matters to you, there is nothing that you can't do for yourself, your children, and your family. It's really finding ways to be concentrated on those things each day even for a little bit because that's when we start to see really massive change in our life. I heard a client the other day say, "Well, I just wanna be happy, I just wanna be happy again in my life." I understand that. And she will be, and you will be too. And that comes from our ability to learn to be still, to be focused, and to be aligned. And so these are just a few of the things that I've learned and that when I was in yoga the other morning, and this morning, I was thinking about them and about each of you because you all deserve that stillness, that focus, and that alignment. And so I want you to challenge yourself to find ways that you can create that, and maybe it's not every day, but maybe you could start to create it once a week, twice a week, even if only for a little bit, or a little bit each day. But a little bit each day over time will create a completely different results. And I'll leave you with this. I always like to tell clients, we don't have to make big shifts at one time. It's like going into the yoga room and expecting to be doing handstands or something. No, it doesn't happen that way. But when a ship wants to get to harbor, when it wants to change course, it doesn't just turn the wheel and turn the rudder and it just turns on a dime, no, it would tip over. Those giant cruise ships will turn one degree, and that one degree turn over time will put it in a completely different direction. And that's all we're looking to do, is how can you shift one degree towards what you want? I'm here for you, I love you, I am rooting for you. And if you need anything, I hope you know you can find me right here. Until next week, friend, take really, really good care of you. Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]