Ep #10: Gaining Closure

I’m Mikki Gardner, and this is the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast, episode number 10, Gaining Closure. Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name’s Mikki Gardner. I’m a Certified Life and Conscious Parenting Coach, with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I’m here to help you do the same. If you’re ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let’s dive into today’s episode. Hi, friend, and welcome back to this episode of the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast. I’m super excited to be with you, as always. And I wanted to talk about closure today. So, in the last episode, we talked about conflict: how to resolve conflict with a difficult ex. How to show up as the mom that we want to be, even when someone else is being difficult. And while I was working on that episode, I started to think a lot about closure. Because many, many times, I see—I know in my own life, but with clients as well—that we really want closure. And we’re waiting for someone to give it to us so that we can move forward—so that we can show up as the mom that we want to be. “If only he would admit to what he did… If only he would come to me and apologize… If only XYZ, then I could show up as the mom I want to be.” Does that sound familiar? I think for a lot of my clients and a lot of you, it does. We can all relate to this, and really wanting to get closure. And after divorce, it’s a necessary step in the process. So, that’s why we’re going to talk about it today. So, as always, whenever I have a question, I start with the Googles. So, what is “closure”? The definition is “a bringing to an end; a conclusion; a feeling of finality.” Now, here’s the thing: when we get divorced, it is an end. And many of us have this magical thinking that it is going to then put an end to the pain, the conflict, the suffering that we felt. But we quickly realize that isn’t how it works. While the marriage may end, while the co-parenting journey might be starting, it is still up to us to find closure—to actually bring finality and an end to the relationship as it was while we were married. This is such an important step in the process, because to co-parent well, we have to build a new relationship—a new relationship with the person that we used to be married to, that we used to love as our partner, as our best friend, as all those things. Now they are in our life as a different person, in a different role, maybe with positive impact, maybe with some negative impact. And often, when we’re waiting for that person to provide us with closure, we will be waiting a very long time. Because it’s not something that they can give to us. Closure is really something that we give to ourselves. It’s almost—I like to think of as like a lightening of the load, a releasing of the beliefs that are holding me back. It is the love that you need to heal. Closure is not a destination. It is a shift in our perspective, in our mindset, from the past into the present. It is also a decision that we are choosing the story that we want to tell ourselves. And this is completely up to us. The facts of the divorce, the facts of your marriage, the facts of your current co-parenting relationship and your ex’s behavior do not determine the story. You determine the story. So, to move forward into the family, the life, and the co-parenting situation that you want, we must find closure so that we can build into the next version. So, I’m going to use the example of a woman whose husband cheated in the marriage and maybe now is married to that woman. I see this a lot with a lot of my clients. She may be telling herself the story that she wasn’t enough for him, that he ruined her life. Maybe that the other woman is to blame. She may be trying to get an answer as to why. She might be just trying to get an admission that it happened. I see this so often too. “Oh, no, we just started dating afterwards.” Not really taking into account what she knows was true during the marriage. But when this happens, we believe that we have to get closure. We have to get that admission. We have to get the facts so that we can move forward—that we can’t move forward without those things. But that is just simply not true. Closure is a decision that we make for ourselves. So, what would it look like for her? Well, she would need to understand what was going on for her and what she needs to get closure. And so, what we need to start to understand to be able to give ourselves closure is that all humans have four needs. I mean, we have many needs. But we have four relational needs. And this goes for children, adults, anyone. Just humans. Those needs are to be safe, to be seen, to be soothed, and to be supported or challenged—challenged in a way of support. These are the four basic relational needs. It’s really easy to understand these in our children. We can see when they just need to feel safe when they’re scared, and we can give that to them. Sometimes they just need to be heard. They’re ranting and raving and yelling and screaming, but really, they just want someone to acknowledge that they have a need, or they have a want. And sometimes they need to be soothed. They need to hear that, “You’re okay. I’ve got you. You’re loved.” And then to feel supported—to go out and take those risks. To go out and learn new things. To fail and to still be okay. So, when we think about it in our children, we’re like, “Of course. This is what children need.” This is also what you need, and this is also what all adults need. And so, the reason that I bring it up here is because for us to be able to find closure for ourselves, we actually have to be filling these relational needs—these buckets that we have. We need to help ourselves feel safe. We need to allow ourselves to be seen and heard. We need to be emotionally regulated and soothed, and we need to feel supported. All of these things can happen on your own. So, whenever we’re looking at starting to think about closure, we can ask ourselves a simple question: “What do I need to find closure?” And then be still to wait for the answer. Now listen, it would be amazing if everyone got the answers that they needed, and the explanation wrapped up for them and handed to them and all of the apologies that they ever wanted. If I could grant that to you, I would do so in a moment. But sometimes that’s just not the way that it works. Sometimes the other human, who has free will, won’t admit to things. Won’t see your perspective. Won’t give you what you’re asking for. And is it harder? It’s certainly easier to work with someone who is willing, absolutely. It is easier to gain closure when things are sort of done and final and you have all of the questions answered. Sure. It’s easier then. But that’s just not the way that life works all the time. And the thing that I was just telling a client the other day: divorce is complicated because when someone passes away and we lose someone we love, that person is gone. And we sort of give ourselves the grace and the time to mourn that loss. Divorce is a loss in the same way. We’ve lost something that we loved. The family and the dreams that we had are gone. But there’s a little bit more complexity here because the other person that was part of that dream is still here. So, as much as we want to get answers and we want to get explanations and we want to have memories and things like that, they might not be available. And that’s when closure becomes a little bit stickier, and we have to work through it on our own so that we can move forward. So that we can become the version of us that we want. So, today we’re going to walk through what it looks like to start gaining closure for yourself, maybe when the other person isn’t willing to participate or give it to you or help you get closure. So, the first thing is really about acceptance. What does that look like? It’s recognizing the truth. What’s done is done. It’s complete. That’s not a good use of time or energy to ruminate on what should have been. I know that we all love to do this and to think, “Oh, well it should have been different. If I could have done something different, we wouldn’t be here. If he were different, we wouldn’t be here. If this hadn’t happened, XYZ would have never happened.” I get it. But all that “should”ing on ourselves just leaves us under a big pile of “should”s that aren’t helping us, that don’t move us forward, and suffocate us. This is what I call “magical thinking.” It suggests that if we could jump back in time and change things, then everything would be different. Everything would be better. And we wouldn’t be suffering. But this isn’t reality. This isn’t true. This isn’t accepting what is true and what is done. Once we can accept the facts, then we have much more power. Then we are empowered to move forward. Because we can’t change the past. Period. End of sentence. But we most definitely can change how we see it. What matters now is how you see today—not what happened in the past, but how you’re showing up today. And I want you to ask yourself this question, and maybe pause the podcast for a minute and answer it. Or just meditate on it. But here’s the question: “Given what happened in the past, what can I do to work through the pain, resentment, triggers, conflict without any help from the other person?” Because so often, we think it’s how the other person or what the other person did or didn’t do that dictates how we react. No. We are in charge of how we act. And that’s based on how we’re thinking and how we’re feeling. Even when we feel totally powerless—so helpless to fight the situation—I want you to fight. Not against the other person, but to start fighting to maintain your internal sense of dignity, your respect, and your love for yourself. This has nothing to do with the other person, nothing to do with what happened in the past. It is 100% about how you are going to show up for you today. You are deciding “I am going to be the author of this story from here on out. I am going to choose what this means about me. And I am going to choose what it means about my future. I am no longer going to hand over any amount of my life, my decisions, my opinions, and my feelings to this other person.” This is taking 100% ownership over who you are and what you are in control of. It is all about how you show up, how you use your voice, how you stay in or out of blame. It decides whether you yell and scream and hurl insults or if you choose to rewrite the story. If you choose to show up with dignity, with respect, and with love, no matter what. You get to decide. I want you to think about it. And when we think about getting closure and needing closure, I want you to ask yourself, “Does continuing to waste my breath trying to change the other person, trying to get them to admit to things, wishing things were different, or just hoping—is any of that benefiting me today?” Or do you want to unlock yourself from the prison of blame and resentment and make today different? You have to ask yourself, “What do I want? And what do I need to get—what do I need closure on—to be able to move forward in the direction that I want?” So, we talk a lot about flexible thinking. That’s becoming aware of our thoughts, of knowing ourselves, of allowing things to be as they are—this acceptance of the truth. And then it goes into the agency—what I’m talking about here—which is taking ownership over the choices that we have. Deciding on purpose which direction you’re going to go and how you’re going to show up. And then aligning our actions towards that. So, when we are not able to get closure with the other person or we are feeling that we really need closure but it’s something that we have to do on ourselves, there is a technique to move towards that. And it takes a little bit of time. And so, I’m going to describe it to you here, and if you need help with this, all you have to do is email me or DM me on Instagram, and I am happy to walk through this with you. But when we talk about gaining closure for yourself on your own, it’s about changing our perspective 180 degrees. It’s being willing to show up in a different mindset. A Course in Miracles has a question: “Am I willing to see this differently?” And that is where we begin for closure. Because so often, we get stuck in the idea that we need someone else to give us something—that things should be different for us to be okay. And you start by asking yourself, “Am I willing to see this differently? Am I willing to start showing up for myself?” Is your answer “yes”? Then here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to start to get closure for yourself by practicing this more flexible thinking to get yourself out of the prison without needing the other person to do anything. So, first we’re going to connect. We’re going to connect and accept what is—that acceptance piece. And then we’re going to get curious about, “Am I willing to look at this differently? What are the lessons that I’ve learned here? What are the benefits from what happened?” So, to start to look at these benefits, it’s going to take a little bit of time. It’s going to be uncomfortable. I am not going to lie on that. But what I want you to do is just commit to the idea that “I’m going to work towards closure for myself. It’s not an overnight process, but I’m going to work towards it each day. I’m going to stay committed.” So, what I want you to do is find a piece of paper or a journal—whatever you have and you’re comfortable with—and we’re going to start with two columns: benefits and drawbacks. The benefits are, “What did we learn from this? What has been something good?” It’s the silver lining in the storm cloud. This isn’t toxic positive thinking. We’re looking for real lessons that we’ve learned. It helps to ask ourselves questions. Maybe “What are five things that I learned about myself in the divorce? What are three things I learned about myself by being married to that person? “Name five strengths that came as a result from being involved with this person. Name five positive things that I did with my time, my energy, and my money to get out of this or to resolve the conflict. Name three people who supported me. And how have they shaped my life for the better? And name three ways that the divorce has shaped the purpose and direction of my life today. And what are the superpowers that have emerged as a result of this?” Now, you’re not going to have, in one sitting, answers to all these questions. But if you sit down and ask yourself each day and challenge yourself—maybe to find 50. That sounds like a lot. I know. And it’s hard. And that’s okay. But over time, they unveil themselves to you. The more you ask, the more you seek them, the more you will find them. But we have to be willing to look. Now, in the other column, we’re going to do something very similar. We’re going to ask ourselves to find 50 drawbacks to the fantasy of thinking that, “If I was still married, if the divorce hadn’t happened, then I wouldn’t be suffering.” Because this fantasy thinking keeps us stuck thinking that we can’t move forward because of what happened. It’s just stopped everything. So, we need to find the drawbacks to this. Some questions that you can ask yourself are, “What would I have missed out learning if the divorce hadn’t happened? What capacities would I have not developed? What strengths wouldn’t I have today? Where would I be spending my time, my energy, and my money if I were still in that situation? “Who would I have not met or what relationship wouldn’t have been deepened if I hadn’t gotten divorced? How would my career or my purpose have been impacted had that not happened? And what superpower would I have missed out on or not developed if I were still in that situation?” So, you can see how we’re just asking these questions. We’re trying to figure out, “What are the benefits that have come out? What are the drawbacks that I would have missed out on had this not happened?” I want you to challenge yourself to find 50 of these on each side. Maybe you will. Maybe you won’t find all 50. I know if you try, you will. And you just allow yourself—stay committed to, over time, each day, trying to figure out, getting yourself one step closer. Because this is where confidence comes from, is being willing to take action every day to move us closer to the person and the life that we want to have. Every co-parenting journey is different. But if you want to create a new relationship with the co-parent, if you want to show up and co-parent differently than you are today, we have to start taking action towards that. And that begins with being willing to accept what has happened and to provide the closure you need to set down the heavy weights that are holding you back and free yourself from that prison and start to move forward. That’s the show for today, and my hope is that I’ve given you some new ways to think about closure and how to help yourself get closure. Maybe especially if you’ve been waiting on someone else to give it to you, or maybe you’re just starting out on this journey, and you’re feeling the overwhelming grief and mourning. That might be the season you’re in, and it’s doubly important to allow yourself to feel all of the feelings that you’re having right now. They are all necessary. They are all normal. And the more that you work towards giving yourself closure through acceptance, through allowing, and then through choosing what you want to believe, you will move through that season. You are the author of your story. End of sentence. Hard stop. You can’t change the past, but you absolutely can change the way you see it, and you have 100% control over what you carry with you—what beliefs you believe. And I want you to know that I am here for you, that you are not alone in this process, and you are 100% capable of getting closure for yourself. You are loved, you are worthy, and you are whole exactly as you are. That’s the story that I want you to start stepping into, because that is the truth of who you are. I will hold that belief for you until you step into it fully. So, if you’ve enjoyed this conversation, I would be so grateful if you would share it. Please take a screenshot and put it on Instagram. Tag me, and I will share it and share the love with you. And if you haven’t already, I would be so grateful if you would leave a rating and a review for me, just to let me know what you think and to help others find the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast. I want to get this message out there. I want this to touch all of the women and the moms out there who need support and love and empowerment. We are not alone, and we need to band together, and if you would rate and review the podcast, it really helps more than you know. And also, if you ever want to hear about any of the free workshops that I host or ways to work with me, just go to www.MikkiGardner.com to sign up for my newsletter, or you can find it in the show notes and just click right over. So, I’ll see you next week, and in the meantime, take good care of you, and tons of love to you, my friend. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit CoParentingwithConfidence.com. I’ll see you next week.