Ep #53: Five Things I Want You to Know

I'm Mikki Gardner and this is the Co-Parenting with Confidence Podcast episode number 53, Five Things I Want You to Know. [music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Welcome friend. I'm so glad that you're back here with me. I know there are so many things that you could be doing and I'm really honestly just so grateful that you're here listening. There are so many great podcasts and I'm excited to bring this one to you because sometimes I feel like we just need a little pep talk, a little reminder. Because so often we get disappointed maybe in what's going on with your life, maybe disappointed about the divorce, judging yourself for how you're co-parenting, maybe you're frustrated with how you're not taking care of yourself or you feel like you're doing all the work but nothing's paying off. So I wanted today just to be a little bit of a pep talk, a little bit of a reminder of the things that I want you to know. Because here's what I do know, you're listening to this podcast which means you're a loving, courageous mom who's doing the very best that she can and she's trying to learn, and I applaud you for that. And that's why I have this podcast and do this so that there's a place where we can talk about these things, where we can talk about divorce and co-parenting and what it means to do it in a conscious, in an intentional, in a loving way. So often we don't see that example in the world and that's why I am so committed to making sure that this podcast offers love and light and hope because that's what we need, that's what our children need. But today, I wanna talk about what I want you to know. I was sitting with a client earlier today and she was so frustrated. She's trying to parent according to the parenting plan, she's trying to do everything right but her ex just is not helping, not answering, not doing any of the things that they had agreed on, not making decisions, not having her make decisions, it just goes on and on. And her frustration and her indecision and her doubt, it kept going and going and going. And at one point, I just looked at her and I said, "You've got this. I know you've got this." And it's my job as her coach and her mentor to hold this belief for her, to teach her the tools until she believes it 100% herself. And that's really when I thought, well, sometimes we all just need little reminders, we just need little pep talks. And so that's what this podcast is about today. So here's five things that I wanna remind you of in case you've forgotten. Number one, no one is in charge of how you think and feel, period. That is your job. Now, I know when your ex is acting like a complete jack whack or doing all the things that you wish that he wouldn't or sometimes when your kids are suffering and you just don't know what to do, we feel like we have no choice but to feel awful, to feel stressed, to feel overwhelmed, to react, to get angry. But no one is in charge of how you think and feel, that is 100% up to you. And it is only once we learn how to do this, how we learn to have higher quality thoughts, how we learn to understand what we're thinking and separate it from what is true versus just thoughts in our head. And really when we start to understand that how we're feeling is based on how we're thinking and what we're believing, when we start to understand how all of these things mix together, how they build on one another, this is where we can really start to affect change. But it starts with understanding that it's not the world, it's not the circumstance, it's not your acts that is causing you to feel the way you do. But you have more agency over your experience than you believe. And it all starts by understanding that you are in charge of how you think. There is nothing about divorce and co-parenting that is fun or lovely or easy. If it was, it wouldn't be divorce. A marriage is coming to an end for a reason and it often isn't a positive one. And so there are going to be many feelings, there's going to be negativity, there's going to be conflict but you are 100% in charge of how you experience that. And that is based on how you're thinking and feeling. And that's why it's no one else is in charge of this except for you. The second thing I wanna remind you of is that big changes happen step by step. And what do I mean? Things take time. I know your marriage and the divorce didn't happen over night, sometimes it feels like it did but it doesn't. Things take time, it's not instantaneous. And I know that we want things to just be better, we wanna feel differently, we wanna just get to the part where it's easier, where we know what to do. But to go from A to Z, we have to go to B, C, D and E and so on and so on. Big change, big transformation happen step by step, one step at a time, one decision at a time, one mistake at a time, one failure at a time, all of these things. But the big changes happen when we are walking consistently with intention and consciously in a direction that we want to go. I always tell my clients that consistency really is made up of commitment and support. The commitment is really deciding, creating a vision for what you want for yourself, for your kids, for your family. You make a determination of what matters most to you. And then, you start making decisions aligned with that. You start making choices that are aligned with that, that get you closer to it. There's often so many decisions in front of us, so many choices available that we don't even know. We don't know what to do, what's the right decision? What's the wrong decision? How can I do things that will make people feel differently or be nicer? Whatever the case may be. But we need to really simplify what matters most to us so that we know that we're taking action towards that because then you can be confident that you're always going in a direction that is in your well-being, in your best interest, in your children's best interests. And everything has a season. So often we feel like things just because they're frustrating right now, that they're never gonna change. But they do change, they change once we start taking action, once we put one step in front of the other, once we make one decision then the next and then the next. Change does happen. And so often we don't even realize how far we've come until we stop and look back. So I want you to pause every once in a while. When we know we're putting one foot in front of the other, when we're trying our best, we wanna then turn around and reflect and see how far we've come. But just remembering that big changes happen one step at a time. The third thing that I want you to know is that the life that you wanna create is your responsibility. We are not entitled, none of us, entitled for anyone to hand us the life that we want, the family that we want, the marriage that we wanted. It is up to us to take responsibility, to show up day in and day out, to create the life and the family and the dreams that we want. So what is that look like? Well, responsibility is, I define it, is an ability to respond. So what is that look like? Well, it begins with understanding that when we are in a reactionary place which so much of the time we are, we're just reacting to everything coming at us, what other people think we should do, trying to manage all the things that we have, trying to get away from the drama or other people's feelings. We're always going from thing to thing to thing, it's like living in a pinball machine. So it starts with becoming aware of what is true and we can only do that when we ground down into the present moment. And what is that look like? It means not living in the past, not being worried about the future but really being present to what is true today. That awareness of what is true in this moment, allows us the space to respond, the ability to respond. You choose your response when you are clear and present, when you are able to regulate your emotions. When we're living in reactivity, we are basically just flooded with stress hormones a lot of the time. Things come at us and we're overwhelmed, we're flooded, we react, we yell, we do all of these things, our emotions are out of control. So it's up to us to take responsibility and regulate our emotions to learn the skills to do this. Listen, most of us were not taught this in life, I know that I wasn't and I know that many, many, many of my clients weren't. And that's what I help them do, is learn how to regulate their emotions because once we are able to process them and move through them, they don't have the control over us anymore. We can be with how we're feeling without letting it overtake us. Responsibility is really about learning how to take 100% responsibility for your 50% of each relationship. It is not your ex's job to do everything you want or to agree with you or to say exactly what you want him to say at all times, it's not your children's job to do that. They have free will, all humans have free will. They're in charge of what they think, they feel and what they do just like you are in charge of how you think, feel and act. So when we really start taking 100% responsibility for your 50% of each relationship, you are coming from a place of power. This is where you start to really make big changes because you're coming from a place of responsiveness instead of just reacting to whatever is coming at you. The fourth thing that I want to remind you of is that you are as deserving and worthy and capable as any other human being on this planet to have everything that you want to reach your highest potential and it is truly up to you to do that. And it starts with believing it, acting on it, improving it. This is one of the things that I work with all my clients on, is this understanding and the... Really the belief that they are worthy and enough exactly as they are. I know that sounds so cliche and we hear it all the time but it is 100% true. And the thing is, is that once you start to believe that you are as worthy and capable and deserving as anyone else to have everything that you want, everything to reach your highest potential, that is our job in this human experience, is to reach your highest potential. But the only way to do that is to be taking really good care of yourself, to believe that you are worthy of care and respect and of love and to start showing it to yourself first. So a couple of ways that we do that. I know I've talked about it before and I talk with each of my clients about it on the daily, really taking time for yourself, carving out that time to be quiet, to meditate or pray, to be in silence because that is when we are most in touch with who we truly are, that part of us where the divine is in us. And when we are in touch with that, that is where we are coming from a powerful place, that's where we have the ability to respond like I was just talking about. And so creating the space and the time for yourself to actually sit in silence, to connect with yourself, it's hugely important. It's not something we do when we have the time, we actually have to make the time because then that opens up time across the board. The only way that we're able to create and honor boundaries in relationships, to really show up as the woman and the mom that you wanna be is when you are caring and loving yourself first. Another way that this looks is to really look at what you're consuming and when I say consumption, I don't mean just food and drink but really consumption of everything, everything that's coming into you, all of the energy, all of the feedback, all of everything. So how are you caring for yourself with food and water, limiting alcohol and drugs. Anything that impairs you is going to impede your growth or that ability to connect with yourself. So it's taking a look, an honest look at what am I consuming and do I want to? How much time am I spending on social media and how do I feel when I'm doing it? News outlets, movies, TV, all of these things, it's about what you're consuming. How is it affecting you? Is it filling you up or is it tearing you down? Because going back to that belief, you have everything in you. But when we are overconsuming and sort of burying ourselves underneath all of these distractions, we're not able to believe and act on the true gifts that we have. And the fifth and final thing that I want you to know today is gratitude. First and foremost, I am so grateful for you, I'm grateful that you listen to this podcast. I'm grateful that you are doing the work to be the strongest mom that you can be for your children, that you can try to co-parent in a more calm, confident, cohesive way. I'm grateful for you doing this work. This is how the world is gonna change. When the moms, us moms, when we band together, when we stand up in our power, when we are intentional and we are conscious and we're moving forward and actually supporting our children in the way that they need, this is when the world changes. And so I'm grateful for you being here and listening and trying your very best because I know you are trying your very best and that's all we can do. So first, I'm grateful for you. And here's the thing about gratitude, I learned this in positive psychology training that I went through and I've noticed it in my own life, that having a practice of gratitude each and every day does some really amazing things for us. It's such a simple thing, but to start and end your day by writing down and acknowledging three things that you are grateful for really makes huge shifts. First, it reduces anxiety. When we ask our brain to look for what we're grateful for, it actually releases these warm fuzzy chemicals in our brain that reduce anxiety and uplifts our mood. It also helps us build a muscle of abundance. And what do I mean by that? It's really shifting our mindset to find what's working, what's available to us today. We get so mired down with what isn't working, what we don't have, what we're missing out on. So focusing on gratitude actually helps you build the muscle to naturally look for what is working. And this is so important in co-parenting because all too often we get really mired down in what isn't working. And so when we can find gratitude for what is, we can build on that. It gives us clues of what to build on, to what to strengthen. So I wanna encourage you to build your gratitude muscle, to step into an attitude of gratitude as they say. And there is no better model for your children than you modeling gratitude for what you do have and all that you are going to build. It's a beautiful practice and so I wanna offer that to you here today, so that's it. I just wanted to offer you some ideas because I know that oftentimes, we just feel like we're doing the work and it's not changing anything, but it is, I promise you. Keep going on the path and if you need help, I am here to help you. Just go in the show notes, you can get on my newsletter so that you don't miss out on any of the upcoming workshops I have that I do or you can learn how to work with me, go over on Instagram and tag me and so that we can connect there because you are not alone in this journey, you do not have to walk this path alone. I am here for you and if I am not the person for you, I will help you find the person who is. But I just wanted you to remember today of how powerful and beautiful and loving you are. And keep going because your children need you and the world needs to you. So that's what I have for you today. If you know someone that could benefit from this episode, I'd really be so grateful if you'd share it. Just take a screenshot and text it or email it to them or put it on Instagram. And if you do, tag me so that we can connect over there. I really appreciate you spending this time with me. I'll see you next week and in the meantime, take really, really good care of you, friend. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]