Ep #59: Finding Gratitude Where You Are (Even When It Feels Impossible)

Welcome to the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast. I'm your host, Mikki Gardner, and this is episode number 59, Finding Gratitude Where You Are, Even When It Feels Impossible. [music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Welcome back, friend. Okay, so if you heard the word gratitude and you immediately rolled your eyes and thought, "Seriously, Mikki? This at Thanksgiving, can you be more predictable?" Stay with me for a second. Listen, I've got so many moms that I talk to every day in my coaching practice, over on IG, in a daily conversation, who tell me how exhausted and overwhelmed they are with all that is wrong in their lives, and that the holidays make them feel that much worse. It's like a spotlight being shown on them so that they just, all they see is them alone without the things that they want, and they just wanna hide. So yes, this is what we're gonna talk about today, because we need to. But before we do that, I wanna say thank you for being here with me. I love this time with you each week. I mean, I really love this podcast. I love thinking of topics. I love asking you guys what you wanna hear about and then researching and coming up with the show. And so I am grateful that you're here with me and that you take me along with you while maybe you're walking or doing your errands, but I'm just grateful you're here. And if you're new to this podcast, welcome. I'm so excited that you found us. And if you love this show, I would be so grateful if you would subscribe and rate the show. This is truly the lifeblood for podcasters. So if you're feeling in the mood of giving, I would love if you would rate and review the show for me over on Apple. Okay, so let's dive in. This week in America, it's Thanksgiving week. The kids are off school, many people are off work, at least maybe a couple days anyway. Maybe you're seeing your whole family. Maybe you're having a friendsgiving, whatever the case. But there is definitely this undercurrent of what the holidays are supposed to look like, what they should look like. Now, I'm gonna date myself here, but there's that Norman Rockwell image of the happy family with everybody doing everything together around the table with everything perfect. And when we see these images and when our life doesn't match up, there's a disconnect. And we can make ourselves feel awful. And frankly, all you have to do is spend one holiday post-divorce to know that the holidays look really different for co-parents, really different for divorced families. And I'm not saying for all divorced families, the holidays are miserable. I know for me, this isn't true. I know for many of my clients, it's not true. But I also know for many of them, it is true. That the holidays bring up a ton of stress and worry and grief and frustration. And when we hear these messages of how we should feel and what we should be grateful for, it just makes everything feel harder. It just makes us feel more isolated and more alone. Sometimes it can feel impossible to be thankful and grateful when your kids are with the other parent, when you're all alone for the holiday. None of us had kids, right? Got married and had children to just be left alone at the holidays. And when we are experiencing these effects of post-divorce, it is painful. And it is even in these times that gratitude can be present and can help. And that's what we're gonna talk about today. What we are not going to be talking about is toxic positivity. That we could just somehow think positively so that we don't have to feel the sadness or the pain or the grief. What we are not gonna be doing is glossing over reality and what is true. So I know you've heard me talk on the show before that our brains are these supercomputers and they have really one goal, to keep you alive. But there's also this ironic quirk of evolution that our brain has developed in a way to yes, keep us alive, but also that makes us feel a little bit bad, down, and a little bit neurotic. Not all of us, but many of us. And what it is is that we're wired to focus on negativity. It's called the negativity bias. We latch onto stuff that goes wrong and we refuse to let go of it sometimes for years and years and years. And at the same time, when we're latched onto those things, we barely notice what's going right. So why would this be? Well, our brain wants to keep us alive. So it's gonna always err on the side of negativity, just in case, right? It's always gonna think that things are wrong just to keep us alive, right? Your brain thinks that if you don't do things that are dangerous, that you don't expend too much energy, and that you just do things that feel good, you'll stay alive, right? So that's the basic wiring. You know, and so many of us, from the outside looking in, we might be leading really awesome lives and everything seems like it's going great, but from the inside looking out, maybe all we see are our stumbles. Maybe all we see is the negativity. Maybe all we see is the devastation of the divorce. That drag down can keep us stuck in pessimism. It can be compulsive. It keeps us in anxiety and depression. So how do we battle that wiring? How do we battle when we sort of are stuck in this negative cycle, when our negativity bias has gotten too out of control? Well, one way is to proactively bring in positive experiences, because when we proactively bring in more and more positive experiences each day, it becomes harder and harder to ignore the good things that are around. So there's a guy, Marty Seligman, he's a professor, and he's the father of positive psychology, and he was really wondering, is there a way for us to rewire our brains towards positivity, right? To pull ourselves out of this negativity bias, out of this negative spiral? And there is, and that's gratitude. Seligman realized that often negativity came from an inability to see and be grateful for what is right in your life. He wondered what might happen if specific exercises forced you to acknowledge the awesome side of life, and then express your gratitude for it. Would that counter the pull of the negativity? And it turns out it does. And so that's really where this practice of gratitude has become popularized over the last 10, 15 years, because we know scientifically that it is proven to help us feel better. So whenever I wanna know anything about feelings, right, and gratitude is a feeling, it's an emotion, I always ask Brené Brown, because she is the expert. So in Atlas of the Heart, I went and I looked up some of the things that she had to say about gratitude, and I wanna tell you about them. So she says that gratitude is an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our life, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others. While gratitude is an emotion, if we want to experience its full power, we must also make it a practice. And it is the practice of gratitude that is so powerful. There is overwhelming evidence that gratitude is good for us physically, emotionally, and mentally. The research has shown that gratitude is correlated with better sleep, increased creativity, decreased entitlement, decreased hostility and aggression, increased decision-making skills, decreased blood pressure, and the list goes on and on. And this is what we're talking about. We're not talking about focusing just on one day, just on the holidays, right, where everything is. And I'm not suggesting that a practice of gratitude is gonna make your day tomorrow Thanksgiving, if you're alone, or any other day of the year, that gratitude is simply gonna make it easier and better, and everything's gonna be great. No, I'm not saying that. But what I am saying is that when we focus and have a practice of gratitude, it does make us feel better. We do get all of those positive benefits. There are countless research articles and books about gratitude, but one of the best definitions and ways to understand it comes from Robert Emmons. Emmons is the world's leading scientific expert on gratitude, and he's a professor of psychology at the University of California Davis, and the founding editor-in-chief of the Journal of Positive Psychology. So Robert Emmons writes, "Research on emotion shows that positive emotions wear off quickly. Our emotional system likes newness. It likes novelty. They like change. We adapt to positive life circumstances so that before too long, the new car, the new spouse, the new house, they don't feel new and exciting anymore. But gratitude makes us appreciate the value of something. And when we appreciate the value of something, we extract more benefits from it. We're less likely to take it for granted. In effect, I think gratitude allows us to participate more in life. We notice the positives more, and that magnifies the pleasures you get from life. Instead of adapting to the goodness, you celebrate goodness. We spend so much time watching things, movies, computers, screens, sports, but with gratitude, we become greater participants in our own lives as opposed to spectators." I really just love the way that he outlines this. And the thing that really struck me is that gratitude makes us appreciate the value of something. And when we appreciate the value of something, we extract more benefits from it. And here's what I want you to consider. Wherever you are, no matter what is going on in your life, no matter who you're surrounded or not surrounded with this holiday, I want you to try to find gratitude for you. You heard me correctly. Because when we can start to appreciate the value of something, we focus on that. We extract more and more benefits of it. Listen, if you got up today and you're walking around and functioning, you're doing something. I'm not saying that you're perfect or that you've made every right decision, but I do believe that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have at any given time. And sometimes their best is really, really good. And sometimes our best is really, really not. But what we can try to do is value ourselves, to find gratitude in the ways that we are showing up, to find gratitude for the ways that we are trying, to find gratitude for how we are trying our best to be the best mom we can be, to try to be the best co-parent we can be, to try to be the best person we can be. And listen, I know that if you're listening to this podcast, this describes you. You're trying. And so we wanna find gratitude for that. And also once we can start to find gratitude for the small things, it builds. It's like a snowball that gets bigger and bigger and bigger. I promise you. I heard Oprah once say that the single biggest changer of how she was feeling about her life came from when she started having a gratitude practice. It really does shift things. It shifts your perspective, your mindset. And so what I wanna do is offer you just a couple ways where you can start to embrace and practice gratitude. While gratitude is an emotion, if we want to experience its full potential, if we want to experience its full power, you must also make it a practice. It does not happen overnight. A practice is a way of doing, trying, failing, and trying again. And so I wanna talk about just a few ways that maybe you could incorporate this into your life today. The first is the gratitude list. I learned this from Oprah. I think millions of us did. But it's as simple as writing down three things as soon as you wake up in the morning that you are grateful for. Before you go to bed, you write down three more things that you're grateful for. Sometimes they come to you right away. Sometimes we have to think about it a little bit. But starting and ending our day in an attitude of gratitude changes us over time. So just try it. Again, it's not gonna change everything overnight, but if you commit to it, it does change everything. Another practice that I really love is one that I do every night with my son. We do highs and lows. This is where he gets to say two or three of his highs of the day, things that he really loved and enjoyed, and then a low. This is important, I think, because it suggests to him that highs and lows are all part of life. And we can celebrate, and we can move forward through each of them. And so whenever your kids are with you, I encourage you to create this as something you do around the dinner table, around breakfast, at bedtime, but you each get to say your highs and your lows. And we don't have to answer them. We don't have to comment. We don't have to change them. We don't have to say, oh, it'll get better. We just witness them and be there with one another. So you might be saying, okay, these two things sound great, right? But how is this gonna affect me today? Well, if you want something that profoundly affects you today and makes you feel more grateful, here you go. Go pay it forward. There is nothing better than serving other people. Maybe it's going to Starbucks and buying the car behind you their coffee. Maybe it's giving money or food or a pair of socks or some hand sanitizer to someone less fortunate that is needing help. Maybe it's buying someone a bus pass. Maybe it's buying someone's groceries in line. I was recently at a sporting event, and this woman and her son in front of me, her credit card just wasn't going through. And it was probably the machine, and she was so flustered and there was a line behind her. And I made eye contact with the woman at the cash register. And I said to her, "I'll take care of it." And she goes, "Okay." I was kind of surprised how easy it was, right? And so I just stepped forward and I placed my order and I paid for everything. And the woman next to me looked at me and she said, "What's happening?" And I said, "Oh, I've been there. Don't worry about it. I got this one." And she was profusely uncomfortable, right? "What can I do? How can I find you somewhere? Can I get your number?" And I smiled and I said, "I've been there. I've been where you are. And so next time you find someone in the place where you and I have been, help them." And with tears in her eyes, she walked away. And there were more tears in my eyes. Whenever we serve others, whenever we pay it forward, even in the smallest ways, you feel better. I promise you. So often we get stuck and isolated in our own pain and sometimes just being willing to step out and focus on someone else can offer us such relief. The last and final thing that I wanna offer you is a self-love list. Now keep listening, don't stop here. There is a link in the show notes. So what am I talking about? I think that self-love is really just doing things that your soul loves, doing things for yourself that fill you up. And so what I'd like to do is offer my clients to make themselves a list of 15 or 20 things that their soul loves. This might be reading a book, this might be taking a bath, a walk, and having a dance party in your kitchen, whatever it is, anything that makes you feel uplifted, that makes you feel loved and valued. Create a list and on those days when you are struggling, on those days when you feel like you can't even get out of bed or maybe tomorrow if you're all alone for Thanksgiving, the only thing you have to do is get up and do one of those things. And if after that you wanna go back to bed, okay, absolutely, right, you're in charge, you get to choose. But sometimes having those things handy and just promising that you're gonna do at least one thing a day that fills you up and that makes you feel valued and seen and loved, well, I don't know anything more to be grateful for. Listen, like I said, holidays after divorce are challenging. We feel so many emotions, even in the best of circumstances. I know that I have a great relationship with my ex. The holidays are really around my son and what he wants to do. And we've been able to do things together and separately and even still, there are a mixed bag of emotions and I know each and every one of my clients feels this. So wherever you are, however difficult the situation, I just wanna offer you that there are ways for you to feel better. There are ways for you to take control of your side of this, for you to take 100% responsibility for where you are, for your reality and choose to move forward with grace and with love and with gratitude. So that's the show. Wherever you are today in this week, I really want you to know you are not alone. I know that it may feel like you are, but there are so many of us out here who know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. And I encourage you to find ways to connect with others, to find ways to be grateful. And if you need help or you just wanna connect, shoot me an email and I will help you find the next right step for you. My email's in the show notes, but it's really simple. It's just [email protected]. So for now, I'm gonna leave you wishing you a happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate it and thank you for spending this time with me. I am so grateful for you. I'll see you next week. And in the meantime, take really, really good care of you, friend. Thanks for listening to Co-parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]