Ep #129: Entering Motherhood with Sarah Marie

Mikki: Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach, with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

Mikki: Welcome back to the podcast friend, if you're listening to this the day that it drops or nearing the time that it drops, it's the end of March, and this March I have really devoted all of the podcast interviews to conversations with beautiful, strong, inspiring women. There's so many, and I look forward to many more conversations and have loved the conversations I've had so far. But one of the things that's really important to me is that we get into conversation with other women, women who understand the journey that we're on, women who are examples of doing things differently in a more positive, purposeful, intentional way, and that is why I've wanted to share so many of the conversations that I've been having, and today is no different. I have a beautiful woman with me today, Sarah Marie, she is a birth and postpartum doula, and the host of the Entering Motherhood podcast.

Mikki: I can say that one thing I didn't understand in my pregnancy and early motherhood journey, it's just how much it changes you. I was one of those people that thought, "It's not gonna change me, it's not gonna change my life, it's just gonna add this new beautiful part." But with that belief came a lot of pressure on myself and pressure to keep going, and that pressure didn't allow me to be fully present to care for myself, my son, my family. You know, hindsight's always 2020 and when we look back we can see how we would do things differently now with the knowledge that we have. So I share this not from a place of regret or blame in any way, but I think each of us have our own experiences, and that's why I wanted to share this with you because those of you who are new moms, so many of you that listen to this podcast, I think it's a staggering amount that I hear that...

Mikki: Something like 55 or 60 percent of divorces happen within the first year of giving birth, and you can't help but know that so much of the changes and the uncertainty and just the sheer volume of change that's happening when we have a baby, especially our first one, and it puts so much strain on a marriage and a relationship, and while that's not the focus of today's show, I know that so many of you are experiencing that, the ups and downs, the uncertainties, the unknowns, of new motherhood, but also trying to navigate this co-parenting thing too, and it is a tall, tall, order. So today I wanted to have Sarah Marie on, because she's like a warm hug that just helps us walk through this journey of navigating motherhood, especially in the early years, and often with the lack of support that so many of us are experiencing, whether that's from partners, exes, or just the lack of family unit and help. And so I hope today's conversation inspires you and reassures you and adds value into your life. Without further ado, let's talk with Sarah Marie.

Mikki: I am so excited to have Sarah Marie today on the podcast. Sarah, thank you for coming. I'm just really excited for this conversation 'cause it's a topic that I've not approached here on the podcast, so thank you for helping me.

Sarah: Yeah, thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Mikki: Awesome, well, I told everyone a little bit about you, but I'd like to hear from you who are you? Why do you do this? And how did you get here? Just all those things really quickly [laughter]

Sarah: Sure, yeah, so my name is Sarah Marie Bilger, and currently I also host a podcast called Entering Motherhood, I do doula work, I am a mom of two, my daughter is four and my son is two, and I am a wife, and I just absolutely love doing all of the things and living life, but ultimately when I entered motherhood for the first time, and I was really kind of experiencing what being a parent was, I kind of lost myself and was sort of in this, "Who am I? What am I doing? What's my role? How does work come into play? How does daycare function? How does... " Reconnecting with my partner in a different way, just all of these questions, all these emotions and all of these things that I never really thought about before...

Sarah: All of a sudden it was here. And so that was my journey and my experience and why I started my podcast and having these conversations, and it has truly just evolved to what it is today, and I love continuing to have these conversations and really dig deeper about who we are as people and who we're becoming, and really just having those raw conversations surrounding everything.

Mikki: Yeah, the links will be in the show notes. So if you haven't checked out her podcast, you must do it, because I love this approach that you take, because I think what you just said is so important. When you're pregnant, everyone's so excited for you, like, "Oh a baby, this is so exciting." And you spend all that time preparing for the arrival. And then they arrive, and then it's like, "Oh, snap...

Sarah: Yeah, what now?

Mikki: What now?"

Sarah: Yeah, yeah, and I think it's kind of like the same thing when you're preparing for a wedding, and then all of a sudden you actually get married and you're like, "Okay, now what do we do in this marriage?" It's just this concept of people tell you what to put on your registry or things like that, or they talk about all the baby, baby, baby, and you don't really get into those conversations, even people that are close with you, about how is that family dynamic functioning after baby comes and even before...

Sarah: When you're trying to conceive, when you're planning, when you're thinking like, "Is it the right time?" All those conversations come up, and I think it's just one of those things that sometimes are sort of talked about behind closed doors, and you don't really have an opportunity to have conversations like this and really out-reach and say what you're truly feeling, even with your partner sometimes.

Mikki: Yeah. And the reason that I thought this was such a great conversation to have here on this podcast sort of about co-parenting and many people are separated or divorced, there's a lot of the audience that isn't, maybe thinking about it or just really struggling to parent with the person that they're in relationship with, which is so common, and I really wanted to talk about and help normalize, which I think you do so beautifully, is what you said, the emotion, and because there's so much and nobody really talks about that side of it, and they only talk about the good, shiny, like, "Oh... " exciting parts, but it is it's like such a just life-altering moment of time, even just early childhood, it's not even just when the baby comes home, but all of that time. So I'd love to hear from your perspective sort of how do we navigate that? And then how do we navigate that when we're also in relationship with other people?

Sarah: Yeah, I think especially in those first few years of becoming a parent, there is a lot of new things happening and you're learning how to be a parent and partner together, and maybe the conversations or the topics of "How are we literally going to do this?" or "How are we disciplining them? How are we regulating their emotions? Are we doing anything like that? What about restrictions on food or food habits?" Or things like that. I think it's just like one of those things where until it's really... You're thrown into it, you don't possibly have those conversations, and I think it's just really kind of navigating through each step one moment at a time, and really trying to figure out what that means and where you are heading and how that's going to work.

Mikki: Yeah, 'cause I always love tangibly too, I wanna put this in very specific terms, so let's say you're a new-ish mom, you have like a one or a two-year-old, I think that's still... Postpartum is much longer than any of us think it actually is, and so I think just to normalize, there's so many emotions that we're having, there's the excitement, certainly there's the love, there's the terror of not knowing how to navigate these new little children that we don't necessarily have all the answers for, there's also grief and there's loss of identity, of freedom, of time, of all of those things.

Mikki: And so I love that you are so willing to talk about and open up to how do we move through this? And so what do you think is helpful to help move through all of those emotions?

Sarah: Yeah, I think it's a lot of self-reflecting and seeing "Why am I having that emotion and what is really triggering it and what's happening?" Because at least for me, a lot of times it roots back to... It's not the situation, it's not really what's happening, but it's how I'm feeling because of it. And so when I can kind of realize, "Wow, I'm feeling really triggered right now," or, "I'm feeling really frustrated," and sort of backtrack and try to say like... It's super hard in the moment, but if you can talk about it when it's not happening or maybe be like, "Whoa that escalated really quickly, what in the world was going on there?" And I think when we, again, just learn more about ourselves, we learn how to control our emotions and step through that, it does help explain to others. I freak out in the car a lot of the time. When we're driving, or when I say my husband's driving and there is something going on that I am just like...

Sarah: "That is not how I would drive," or, "That is not how I would do it." I kind of panic, I pull the little bar up at the top and I freak out, and it has been a lot of conversations of like, "Just let me freak out because I am still working on this, I'm still navigating towards how to be better at it, but you also have to understand that I'm going to have this freak out." It has nothing to do about my husband, it has nothing to do about his driving, it's just for whatever reason I'm having a mini freak out. And so I think when we allow ourselves to have those little moments and say like, "Okay, bring awareness to this," what is happening and it has gotten a lot better, but I think it's just that releasing control, letting somebody else take over something that maybe you normally... I would drive myself everywhere all the time, and now as a family sometimes it's more convenient for him to drive or we take turns driving if we're going on long trips, and I think it's just learning to really kind of set those things aside and detach yourself for a second from it, and then learn how to navigate through it more with ease. Because I'm trying to learn how to do these things so that I can show my kids when they're having those difficult moments how to work through it, and then I'm communicating with my husband of like, "Okay, maybe the next time I do this, you could say this."

Sarah: When I know how to really understand what's going on with me I can communicate that with other people, and then you can help them do the same as well in their life.

Mikki: Yeah, I love that you just touched on that, 'cause it's something we talk about a lot here, which is learning how to communicate our own needs. And you said it so beautifully during that description, but we have to be sort of aware, awareness is that first little moment, the little glimmer of where you can possibly change something because you're like, "Oh, I'm freaking out." "Oh, I am having this moment." So that awareness, but then I love the way that you said it, it's sort of become the detective and figure it out and look back and being willing to communicate your needs. And I can also... 'cause I always try to listen for what my audience might be thinking, and there's probably a part where they're thinking, "Well, she's married, so she has a willing participant." What happens when you don't have a cooperative partner or you're divorced and you're co-parenting? And I love that you just brought the release of control because we're so busy trying to control ourselves, other people, our reactions, other people's reactions and opinions, all of it.

Mikki: And we just simply can't. And so there are those moments, I love that you said sort of the little freak-out, but there's the little things that bother us that we do have to just... We don't have to, but we're well served to learn how to let that go versus trying to continue to fight the fight. And then there's the big ones that you can't let go. There are some things we cannot, because it's kind of like those little things that eat away at us, the little annoying way people drive or that they keep giving the kids Twinkies and you don't want them to have processed foods or whatever it is, there's this point of, "What fight am I gonna fight and which one am I not?" And we can't even get there without self-reflection and awareness, so I love that you brought that up.

Sarah: Yeah, yeah, and it's really... Yeah, it's like picking your battles and saying, "Is this willing to really fight over or is it... " I don't wanna say, "Is it me that's just overreacting?" Because I wanna validate all of my emotions, I wanna validate everybody's emotions and really you're allowed to feel however you're feeling, but it's do you want to feel like that? And I think that's what I have to run through my head when I'm having a freak-out moment or something, like, "Do I want to feel like this when I'm around this person, or can I kind of just like... " "You're gonna do that and I'm gonna do this, but we can all harmonize in some way."

Mikki: Yeah, and I know it sounds overly simplistic as we're talking, but simple actually is usually the best way. Just because it sounds simple doesn't mean it's easy, but those simple things are what create ease in life, and ease creates more and more happiness and joy and sort of depth of relationship. And so, I'm glad you brought that up. I also was thinking while you were talking, often we can't, when we are mid-freak-out, you were like, "Just let me have my freak-out," because there's really nothing you can do in that moment, it's like, we're not gonna have some big deep talk about what's happening. In that moment, it's just like you just gotta get through, and I think with moms too, it's like with toddlers when they're little and there is so much, you have very little time to just be like, sitting with a cup of tea and journaling, [chuckle] maybe you get some time, but maybe you don't.

Mikki: I always think that one of the best pieces of advice I've heard is every night when you brush your teeth, if you have one of those tooth brushes with the timers on it, use the two minutes to look at one area that maybe you didn't love that day, maybe you snapped at your kids, maybe you snapped at the other co-parent, maybe you sort of showed up in a way that you wouldn't, and without judgment, without blame, take those two minutes to understand just what you said, what happened right before then, what happened 10 minutes before that and kind of start to build an awareness around "How did I even get there?" And I always think that two minutes of time right before you go to bed, it's like, "Okay, I'm gonna look at this and then I'm gonna do it differently tomorrow."

Sarah: Yeah, yeah, I think it's really kind of processing and going through something, especially if it's something that's happening repetitively, and you know like, "Okay, whenever I do this, this is the reaction that that other person has, then can I do something differently? If they're going to be like a broken record and continuously do this one thing, can I alter the outcome of that? Or can we kind of... " And not brush it under the rug or just don't do it at all, like, completely avoid...

Sarah: But, "Can the situation be different because I approached it differently?" or, "I thought about it differently?" Or... I just sort of let that one little thing go, that then the big escalation didn't happen, and I think it's just, like I said, it's not falling over or just letting somebody win at an argument, it's really understanding what's serving you and how you can really be confident in what you're saying and what your ability is, that you know you don't have to approach it the same way or there is another option, like I say, there's always options, so really kind of going through that. And it's definitely harder when you're in it in the moment, but again, like you said, brushing your teeth or taking that moment to just really self-reflect when you're not currently in it, because I think when we look at it from a third point perspective, we can see it differently.

Mikki: Yeah. Yeah. So where do you see the biggest challenges happening or the issues that people really struggle with entering into motherhood?

Sarah: Yeah, you mean in general or co-parenting-wise or?

Mikki: Either.

Sarah: I think it's just that fear of the unknown and you don't know what you don't know, and so I think a lot of it is, "Well, what is birth gonna be like? What am I gonna do when the baby gets here?" And stepping into so much change so quickly in such a short period of time. And so I think a lot of the times they're looking for guidance or support because they simply have never done this before, and it's happening, it's not like, "Hey, maybe I wanna move to another state and then, ah, maybe in a couple of months or maybe later," or like, "Oh, when I retire, I'll move," or something like that.

Sarah: This is literally like, "Hey, I'm pregnant, this is happening, and what can I do to navigate this transition?" I think it's just... Yeah, a lot of those unknowns or experiences that are coming up that they've never had in their life.

Mikki: Yeah. So you mentioned support, which I feel like is... I know for myself I took motherhood is, like, "This is not gonna change my life in the least, I'm just gonna keep going. It's gonna be just a small bump and then off we go." That naivete, but that, really, drive to be able to have everything I wanted, I think really sort of cuts us off in a lot of ways, and so I'm curious, what do you see as some of the support that we need? Or maybe support that we should be looking for but don't know to?

Sarah: Yeah, so I do birth and postpartum support as a doula. And so honestly, when I was pregnant, when I was probably even 20 weeks or so, I had no idea what a doula was, what a doula did, what really that entailed, and one of my friends was sort of like, "Oh, you should get a doula, I'm gonna have a doula, and all of these things," and I was kind of like, "All right, add it to the checklist of what you're supposed to do because your friend suggested to you."

Sarah: And I've had doulas for both of my births and I have literally fallen in love with everything that it is because that is a go-to person for you. Again, going back to the wedding comparison, everybody knows what a wedding is, everybody knows how that goes, and maybe you have a wedding coordinator, so that person is guiding you through the day, showing you what's gonna happen and all the different options, that's what a doula's doing for birth and postpartum, it could even be in postpartum making you meals, bringing you different items or things, or showing you how to baby-wrap or change a diaper for the first time.

Sarah: There are just some things that maybe you're embarrassed to ask some of your friends or family or maybe all of your family is much older than you, and it has been years since they had a child.

Sarah: So things change, things rapidly change, and when you find a doula, they are currently in this birth space. They're up-to-date on all of the things that are happening and they're very much aware, if they're local to you especially, of all the different hospital policies or standards or what's going on or different options that you can have, like birthing centers, home births. They're connected with all of the people in the community, and we all are there to really help guide both parents, but the mother through this birthing experience, and then the recovery period, and I think just having somebody there to fully support you as an individual and to guide you through that time is life-changing.

Sarah: Because, I just recently talked to one of my friends and she's expecting another baby, and they live up in Pennsylvania, we're in South Carolina, but she hired a postpartum doula for up there, and she was like, "It's just different when it's somebody that is fully there to do that specifically," versus having her mom come over or having family come over or a friend, their sole reason and purpose is to support you. And completely unbiased. It's not like, "Oh, you should do this, and... "

Mikki: I think too, there's this idea that, at least I've heard it, in parenting it's this idea that good parents are just sort of natural, that you just naturally know what to do. I don't know anything further from the truth. It's like anything else, you learn, you have to make mistakes, you have to learn, and I really love the way you're sort of normalizing this because even in what I do as a coach it's being there to support someone where your rear view is where they're at currently, and I think it's so important for anyone listening, to whatever phase you're in, to really have the support around you, whether that's a doula or a coach or a therapist, or just a really dear older friend, who maybe are a mentor who can be there, who you know you trust, and they have the skills, then you sort of believe in them...

Mikki: And let their rear view be your approach now, because we're definitely living in this state that isn't natural for any of us. Back when we were cavemen, you didn't raise your children alone, it was in community, and there were all of these people around you to support you and to take care of things, and we've really, I think, set ourselves up as a society to just really make it hard, and...

Sarah: And I wont even go as far back as cavemen.

Mikki: No, you're right.

Sarah: This is literally... My grandparents lived in communal kind of... Especially when it came to family-planning and family-growing and things like that.

Mikki: True.

Sarah: I remember my grandparents coming and picking me up from school if I was sick or something was going on, my parents were out working, it was my grandparents that were doing that, and now my dad lives all the way up in Pennsylvania, my in-laws are in North Carolina, but they only recently moved closer, we don't have family that lives close to do tasks like that, so you literally are in this single sort of unit.

[laughter]

Mikki: And for all of those single moms out there who I know certainly are listening here, you feel like you are just handcuffed. That there is just no support out there, and I guess this is gonna be our PSA for the day Sarah, there is support, whether it is someone you hire, whether it is getting into community with other people, whether it is neighbors, whatever it is, to be willing to ask for and receive is so important.

Mikki: And I think to your point, that's then when we are able to do that for ourselves, we teach our children that that is how you are in relationship and community with other people, so that they can naturally lean on and gain support from others, which creates a more balanced, healthier, more aligned human.

Sarah: Yeah, and that's a huge thing too. Just asking for help. I think a lot of times we don't know that a friend or a family member or somebody in our life needs help until they speak up and say that they do, because externally, it can look like you're doing all the things, or people may even say to you, "Wow, you're doing it all. How do you do it all?" And like, "How are you juggling all of these things?" And you can either say, "I don't know, I'm just trucking through," or you can say like, "I'm really not... " Like, "I do need help. It would be really nice if somebody could come over and cook me a meal." "It would be really nice if somebody could just watch the kids for five minutes."

Sarah: "It would be really nice if I could just go on a walk with a friend and have a chat." And I think when we outwardly, again, get to know yourself and outwardly express how you're feeling and that you truly need help, and when you can find somebody that you know and you trust, that you can open up and say those things to, you can find that in multiple places throughout your community, and it doesn't have to be something that necessarily costs money, it can be something that's just... A neighbor, a friend or somebody close by, and if you're looking for deeper working support, then it's there as well.

Mikki: Yeah. I mean the childcare and church services or synagogues and... Mine had coffee and donuts, it's fantastic. Like one hour to myself in the morning. There's ways you're 100% correct. And so really finding those and being willing to ask for help, because I know that I wore it as a badge of honor to never ask for help, and it got me into some very dark places and really not able to experience the joys of motherhood when I was sort of so trapped in it, and so I love that you bring that up 'cause it's so important.

Mikki: And as much as I'd love to stay all day and chat with you, I do try to keep these bite-size and please go and listen to Sarah's podcast because she has so many great conversations with people, all about motherhood, so I know there's so many topics, but I ask everyone the same last question here and I'd like to ask it of you, this is Co-Parenting with Confidence. So I'm curious, how do you define confidence? And how does it show up in your life?

Sarah: So I guess I would define confidence as like... I feel like there's so many different layers, but sort of like when you can walk into a situation and you really feel like you can make a decision that feels true to yourself and that's really aligned with what you envision, then I feel like you're confidently walking into that decision, because it's true to you and it's true to who you want to be, and so I feel like when we're actually doing something that's aligned with how we want to be in life, then we can confidently present it that way and want to be doing it.

Mikki: Yeah, oh, I love that answer, and it sort of takes me back to where you started with this, with it's really that self-reflection, that self-awareness, that willingness to inquire so that you have that grounded energy moving in.

Sarah: Yeah.

Mikki: It's beautiful.

Sarah: I think when we believe in it then we're confident in it.

Mikki: Oh, I love that answer. Well, Sarah, tell everybody where they, I'll put it in the show notes, but tell them where they can find you and all the good stuff.

Sarah: Sure, so, wherever you're listening to this podcast, you can most likely find mine, which is Entering Motherhood, you can just search for it, you can also go on enteringmotherhood.com and learn more about different services and things and such that I'm doing, and I hang out on Instagram mostly. So that's just at Entering Motherhood over on Instagram.

Mikki: Awesome, well, thank you for all you're doing and all of the eyes you're opening up, because I think this is a conversation we all need more of, so I'm grateful for you and what you're putting out in the world.

Sarah: Thank you.

Mikki: Oh, and one more thing. The legal stuff, this podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only, it is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice.

Mikki: Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.