Ep #73: Did You Enter the Co-Parenting Complain-A-Thon?

[music] Welcome to Co-parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children... Well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. Welcome back to the Co-parenting with Confidence podcast. Today, I wanna talk about the complain-a-thon. But before we do, I wanna thank you, friend, for being here with me. Listen, I know there's a gazillion things that you could be doing, and you might be doing a lot of them right now, and that you're taking me with you and listening while you do them, I'm so grateful. I love having this time with you each week, and I'm really, honestly, truly so grateful for you being here with me. And if you're new, welcome, I'm so glad that you found this podcast. My intention is to be here to serve you, to add value, to bring you new perspective and to help you create more ease and confidence, calm and joy in your co-parenting. Because I know that for so many of us, co-parenting feels anything but calm or joy filled. Oftentimes, it can just feel chaotic, that we can feel lost in the conflict, and we just wanna feel better. It can be one of the loneliest, most stressful and thankless journeys, but it doesn't have to be that way all the time. And that's why I do this podcast, why I do all the workshops that I do and why I coach one-to-one, so that you can have a coach and a mentor in your corner helping you through this so you don't feel so lonely and stressed and all alone. Speaking of live workshops, I have one coming up very soon. So if you are in the Detroit area and wanna join us for a live workshop, there's a three-part series at this beautiful space called Honey for Moms in Ferndale. And you can join us on February 28th, March 7th and March 14th, I would love to see you there. There's gonna be a link in the show notes. We're gonna really take a deep dive into the conscious parenting framework that I teach every day to my clients. And what it allows you is to learn the tools and the skills to create calm and confidence and peace no matter what chaos is going on around you. And the very best part, you don't even need your ex's permission or their participation. Maybe you're not in the area, but you're like, "I still wanna do this." Well, no problem, you can take the free master class that I created too. Just takes 30 minutes, super easy, I give you everything you need. So the links are in the show notes, as I said, or you can always visit my Instagram, and the links are in the bio. But let's get to today's topic, the complain-a-thon. So I started thinking about this, because one of my clients, who I just admire so much, she's really just changing her life on so many levels. But one of her things that she did this year was she wanted to run a marathon, and she did. She's not a runner, she's never been a runner. She doesn't even think she's an athlete, but she ran a marathon. I mean, come on. But what was so amazing about it, and what is so amazing when we set these big goals, is all of these other things that we learn, these by-products, these amazing, little celebrations that we get along the way. And what she learned as she was training for this marathon is, yes, she became a runner. But everything else changed, her diet changed, her... The way that she managed time changed, how she showed up for herself changed, her priorities changed, how she cared for herself changed, the grace that she offered herself and others, that changed too. So much unfolded as she spent the year setting her goals, working towards them and achieving her goal. So what does this have to do with co-parenting? Well, so often I see moms fall in the trap of unintentionally and unconsciously signing up for what I'm calling the Co-parenting Complain-a-thon. What is it? It's when we really become invested in this long-term mindset of gossiping, of complaining, of focusing on everything that is wrong. And really all it is is a rehearsal and a recycle of the same story over and over and over. But the more we play it, the more we practice it, the stronger it becomes, right? So the more that we think about all the things that are wrong, the more we complain about all the things that are wrong, the more we end up in a gossip session about all the things that are wrong, our brain unintentionally starts to equate that with it being true, and it finds more and more evidence to support it. When we find ourselves in these complain-a-thons, as I'm calling them... Right, it's the gossip, the complaining, it becomes second nature. We don't even be... We're not even truly aware that we're doing it. Have you ever had one of those friends that's always negative? You know the story that's gonna come out as soon as they open their mouth, and you kinda don't even wanna go to the dinner, coffee with them, because you know exactly what it's gonna be full of? Well, listen, I'm not saying that you're that way, but I'm not saying you're not, you're the only one who knows if that's true. But what we're gonna talk about today is not blaming you, this isn't a poo-poo session on all the things we're doing wrong. What I wanted to offer today is have you accidentally or unintentionally signed up for a complain-a-thon that you have become an Olympic athlete in? It happens so often to really good-intending, loving, kind moms. And so what I wanna talk about is if you are involved in this, let's get you out of it, in some of the ways. Because when we stay in the complain-a-thon training, so to speak, we're training, we're preparing for the inevitable conflict, the inevitable frustration, the inevitable negativity that we think is coming our way. And what we do is we're actually inviting that in. We've talked so many times in this episode about our brain, the amazing brain that we have in our head. But it also really can get us into a little bit of trouble, and this is one of those ways. Because what we ask our brain to look for, it will always find evidence of. So if we ask it to look for the problems, to look for the conflict, to look for the reactivity, to look for the negativity, it's always going to find it, in spades usually. So we have to learn to train our brain to get out of the complain-a-thon mindset and get into a mindset of where we are looking and focusing on the future, on the solutions, on cooperation, on consciousness, on love. Whatever we give our attention to get our power. Right. So if we're complaining, and we're in that constant cycle of gossip and negativity and complaining and dwelling on all of the problems, we are accidentally handing it more power and more influence and more strength in your life. It's the last thing you mean to do. But unfortunately, when we are in that space, we are just adding to the voice and adding the energy of negativity, and it leaves very little room for what you actually want. Now here, I'm gonna say stop for a second. Because you might think that I'm getting ready to go down some toxic positivity route and tell you like, "Just hang in there, it's not that bad, always, someone else has it worse." That is not what I'm saying. Listen, co-parenting sucks at times, 100%. And it's hard, and it's complicated, and it's confusing, and it's frustrating. I often tell my clients it's like a full-contact sport at times, right? I'm not negating how difficult it is, but what I don't want you to do is end up going to the opposite end and endorsing and giving your stamp of approval for how hard it is, right? Because when we endorse it, and we put our stamp of approval, we're... We are believing it. And when you believe it, you invite more of it in, and that's the last thing we wanna do. So what we aren't talking about is toxic positivity, but what we are talking about is co-parenting really well by using two skills, having a high-level strength of compartmentalization and choice. So choice, it really looks like choosing what you want and staying focused on that result. Even when it feels hard, when it feels unachievable, when it feels totally weird and awkward, all of those times. Just like my client that was running in a marathon, there were so many times when she couldn't even get through a mile. Maybe she would just be walking, and she thought to herself, "How am I gonna do an entire race at one time? This is impossible!" But she stayed focused, because she knew what she wanted, and she wanted to achieve the goal, so she went one step at a time. Co-parenting is no different. And if we get stuck in the complain-a-thon, we can't possibly expect ourselves to feel good, positive and cooperative. We've gotta step out of the complaining mode with intention, with purpose and choose not to engage in it. Now, we all have a tendency at times to complain, and sometimes it's healthy to get it out. That's not what I'm talking about. Sometimes you just wanna have a really good vent session with your best friend, and that's amazing, and you feel lighter afterwards. A complain-a-thon is not that. How do you know you might be in it? Because you retell the story over and over. Sometimes you feel worse telling it. Sometimes after a long period of time, telling it with a captive audience, we can confuse it with feeling better. But it's not, it's just keeping you stuck and replaying the same story over and over and adding to the evidence in your brain of why it's true. So we actually have to decide, "I'm not going to be... I'm not training for that race anymore, what I am training for is how I'm going to look forward towards my future, towards possibility, towards cooperation and what I have control over," which is you. So how do we keep ourselves out of the complain-a-thon race? Well, you choose not to engage. And this is where compartmentalization and choice come together. So maybe your ex-mother-in-law, every time she sees you, maybe at a kid’s event, she always wants to rehash all the reasons why this has happened. She doesn't understand, she wants you to explain it to her again, right? You do not have to engage; you don't have to respond. Just because she asked for an answer does not mean you have to provide it. Or maybe it's that friend who wants to rehash the affair your ex had for the one million time, and you choose not to engage in it. You choose not to go down that race of the complain-a-thon, and you say something... Either you change the subject, or you simply say, "I don't wanna talk about this anymore. And if you continue, I'm just gonna head out." Or maybe it's when your ex wants to rehash all the ways you messed up, right? When he wants to tell you all the ways that you've been solely responsible for getting everybody into the mess that you're in. And you get to choose. You do not have to read it, you don't have to listen to it, you don't have to engage in it, and you certainly do not have to believe it. Or maybe it looks like when your kids are on FaceTime with you, other co-parent, and you just pop in with maybe a little snide remark or that snarky dig. Instead, you choose to allow them to have their time and their experience with the other co-parent without the shadow of your cloud. What I'm talking about here is really making a distinctive and honest and purposeful choice to show up differently. It's that you get to choose to direct your powerful, amazing brain towards what you want and to stop engaging with what you don't just out of habit, or because it feels more exciting. Now, I'm not saying that this is easy, but it is possible. But first, you have to be aware of what you even want, you have to be aware of where you are today in this moment. And if you're finding yourself sort of running the race of the complain-a-thon maybe a little too often, that's okay. Give yourself a break, give yourself grace, and choose to step out of it. Choose to go and look at a different race. Once you notice where you are, that you're in that complaining mode, I want you to also notice when do you find yourself trapped in it. Because I will go ahead and bet that it's often times when you're feeling tired, hopeless, maybe run-down, or when you're feeling judged by another person or yourself, or maybe it's when you see your kids really suffer, and it's so painful that you end up offloading. There are all these times when we're not present to what's really going on, complaining about it, talking about it, gossiping about it makes it feel like you're doing something, it makes you feel like you're moving forward. But really, truly rehashing that over and over is only keeping you stuck in it. And so it's really about noticing when you do this and just choosing something different. When you want a different outcome, when you want a different life, when you want a different co-parenting relationship, it starts with being willing to think, feel and act differently. And here's the best news, mama, you are 100% in control of the co-parenting experience you want. I promise you, your ex is not the one who gives you the permission, your ex-mother-in-law's opinion does not have to be... Weigh on your decisions and opinions, your friend's desire to commiserate over your spouse or marital drama does not mean that you have to live in it. You, my beautiful friend, you get to decide where you put your valuable time, your precious energy, and where you share your generous heart. So the question really is what race are you signed up for? Are you signed up for the long-game co-parenting well race, where you're in it, where you're willing to go through the ups and downs and the trials and the tribulations to get there? Or have you accidentally signed up for the complain-a-thon, that co-parenting complain-a-thon? Because it's your decision which one you're in. And by the way, you can exit the race at any time and start on the other path. And you know that if you need a coach to get you there, I'm here for you every step of the way. All you have to do is reach out, and you and I will get you in an action plan to get you over the finish line of co-parenting well with calm and confidence and grace. It is completely possible, and it requires you knowing which race you're running. So I want you to maybe spend a little time after this episode and just find where have you been, maybe in one of the races, maybe you've been in the complain-a-thon, maybe you've been doing a really great job also of co-parenting well and focusing on the long game. Or maybe you find yourself really in both. And wherever you are, it's totally okay. But you get to choose where you're going forward from this moment forward. We cannot change the past, right? But you can change where you're headed. So that's what I have for you today, my friend. This was a short one, and I hope it offered you some perspective. And if you know someone who could benefit from this conversation today, please share it with them. Just take a quick screenshot of the episode on your phone and text it to them. Or share it on social. And if you do share it on Instagram, please tag me, I would love to connect with you there. Thank you for spending time with me again today, I'll see you next week. And in the meantime, friend, take really, really good care of you. [music] Thanks for listening to Co-parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]