Ep #143: Creating Your Emotional Freedom

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience.

Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

Hi, friend, and welcome back to the podcast. I'm excited to chat with you today because we're talking about something that I think is important to each and every one of us, freedom, our emotional freedom, and maybe our financial freedom. There's so many types of freedom, and when we are co-parenting, what I know, and I wonder if you've experienced, is where you feel like you're really struggling, even after divorce or the separation, to feel free, to feel independent, to feel autonomous. Maybe as much as you try, you feel like the other co-parent still has a hold over your emotions and your actions and how you show up. Well, that's what we're gonna talk about today, creating those elements that are crucial for actually becoming independent. Before we dive in though, I wanna make sure you know about something that I offer. It's called a co-parenting relationship audit. This is a really low cost at only $297 coaching experience opportunity where you get a ton of support from me personally. I am your one-on-one coach for two weeks.

Why do I do this? Because I want you to feel the power of transformation. I want you to have the clarity and the consistency and the action to move forward and actually start to create some change in your life so that you can start to do it over and over again. Listen, we all need support. We all need accountability, right? If you don't have what you want yet, it means that we've got to try something different. So, I've created this really low cost, high touch experience for you to be able to really start to shift your co-parenting today with me as your coach. You are gonna get the audit, which you do on your own, then you and I are gonna get on a call for one hour and we are going to really get clear and create the plan and then you are gonna have two weeks of Voxer support with me as your coach, helping you make sure that you get exactly what you want. If this sounds interesting to you, I want you to use the link in the show notes and grab one of the remaining spots.

But let's dive into this topic today, around freedom. This week in the United States, it's July 4th, right? So we're celebrating the freedom that our country created for itself when it became independent. And that freedom is something so many of us want and why we choose to separate or divorce. When we feel like we cannot live the life we want, where we are restricted and where we really feel shackled, where we really feel handcuffed and held back in the relationship. And so we decide that we actually have to change things, change the situation to be able to move forward. But so often I hear from co-parents, well, I did the things, we got divorced, we changed everything, we moved into two houses, but I still feel like the other co-parent has control over what I'm doing, how I'm parenting, all of these things. And this is what I wanna focus on today because I want you to feel free. I want you to feel autonomous and I want you to feel fully alive in your life.

Listen, we're here on this earth one time having this soul experience in this human body and I want you to really enjoy yours to the fullest. And that can even be done after divorce. So let's talk about what is emotional freedom or independence. Well, I believe that independence is really the byproduct of when our thoughts, our feelings and our actions are aligned. When we are consistent, when we are showing up with intention, with value, with purpose, when we are really clear, when we are living in integrity. So how do we do that? And that's what I wanted to talk about is just break down some of the basic foundational principles of independence and freedom so that you can start looking at, okay, where am I not feeling this? Where do I feel out of alignment? And we can start moving the alignment towards what you want.

I know you'll hear me so often on this podcast talk about, let's stop focusing on what we don't want because that just keeps us reacting to it. It keeps us focused on it and it gives us more of what we don't want. Instead, we have to really shift into what is it we do want. When we want freedom, emotional freedom, that is really that feeling of independence, of reliance, of confidence, and to do that, we have to become more aware. I know you've heard me on this podcast talk about the three A's. We actually have added one. So it's the four A's, awareness, agency, aligned action, and accountability. It always starts with awareness.

Awareness is as simple as understanding and noticing when you are having an emotional reaction, when you are triggered, when you are overwhelmed, when you are shut down, when you are avoiding, when you're burned out, when you are numbing, right? All of these things are coping strategies that we use to employ to feel safer. But freedom really comes from creating your own safety so that you don't need those coping mechanisms, but you really are your own drug. You really are your own resource. You are your own healing. And that starts with the awareness. And it does not matter if this awareness comes one second, one minute, one hour, one day, one week after. When we have moments of awareness, that is a place of power.

So how can we get more awareness? Well, unfortunately, waiting until the crisis happens, waiting until we are triggered, waiting until we are completely overwhelmed to start to build awareness isn't really the most useful strategy, right? It's like then you're expecting yourself to act from your best self in not a great moment, and that's a lot to ask. So instead, what we wanna start to do is being aware, being conscious of creating more and more intentionality, more and more awareness and ability to step back and separate from our thoughts, from our emotions, being able to separate from experiences, from other people's reactions. So you're like, how do we do that, right? Well, some of the ways that we can do this is learning how to hit the pause button. You know, Staples has that easy button in all their commercials. Well, I say hit the pause button. As soon as you notice that you're triggered, that you're overwhelmed, that you're activated, you hit the pause button and you say to yourself, pause. And then you take three deep breaths in through your nose and then an elongated exhale out of your mouth, and through your nose, elongated exhale out of your mouth. Do that three times and then you can start to ask yourself, what's actually going on around me? What am I feeling right now? What am I noticing? What am I seeing? What am I telling myself, right?

We can start then to separate the facts from the fiction, the story that we're telling ourselves versus maybe what's going on 'cause they likely don't match up. So pausing in the moment is an incredible skill. It sounds simple, it is not, but we have to be willing to actually start to create more moments of pause in our life, not just wait for when we get triggered. You know, it could be walking from your kitchen to your car and just noticing and saying, I'm gonna pause, breathe and notice what's happening around you, right? These are mindfulness techniques that actually help us separate and become more aware of what's going on in the present moment. And just that reminder that the present moment is where all of our power lies. It does not lie in the past. What we think did or didn't happen. Worrying about the future has no power for us. Our power is located here in this present moment. So when we hit the pause button and come back to the present moment, we are entering our most powerful state.

Meditation is another amazing way to gain self-awareness. Even if this is just five minutes in the morning or the afternoon or the evening, I personally like the morning because it signals to myself that I am intentionally starting my day to create awareness and create more and more separation between myself, my thoughts and things going on around me. I like to think of it as like a little buffer that we put around ourselves when we learn how to meditate. And meditation sounds hard and a lot of us believe that it is. We actually are natural meditators. The point of meditation is not to be free of all thoughts. We cannot do that. The only time that we don't have thinking is when we're dead. So what we're looking to do is just be aware of the thoughts, noticing them when they come, when they arise, when we get lost in them. It's like we're thinking, thinking, thinking, and then you say, Oh, I was meditating. That's okay. That was successful. So you just said, Oh, I've got lost in thought. I'm gonna come back to my breath, and I'm just gonna notice my breathing. Each time we do that, it's like one mental rep at the gym to say that we've got this. So meditating every day is crucial.

Journaling is another great way to become more self-aware, to start to get everything out of our heads and onto paper so that we can see what are we really dealing with. Coaching and therapy are beautiful ways to create more and more awareness, right? The reason that coaching and therapy is so helpful is because we actually are with another person and when we are with that other person who is regulated, who is grounded, they can offer us the ability to be in that same grounded state. That's how we learn to emotionally regulate. That's how we learn how to regulate our nervous system is actually being in coherence with another nervous system that is regulated. Which brings me to the second point.

Awareness is the first foundational tool. Regulation is the next. We have to learn to regulate our emotions and our nervous system, otherwise we are simply reacting to the world around us. And when we are in reaction, we are not in control. We are actually dependent on everyone and everyone around us for how we feel. That's not emotional freedom. Emotional freedom is creating your own freedom regardless. It's being regulated no matter what's happening around you.

Little caveat here, I'll link to episode 142 where I talk more about emotional regulation and nervous system regulation. But having a regulated nervous system does not mean you are just calm as a cucumber. What it means is that you are at choice. You have the ability to make choices. It means that you are flexible in your ability to ride the emotions, to navigate all of the things that are happening around you, but you are able to stay in a place where you are able to access your power. It's kind of like our little window of tolerance, what we're able to handle before we either get totally overwhelmed or we shut down. So nervous system regulation is crucial because we have to be able to stay flexible, stay moving, navigating, otherwise we become dependent on everything around us and everyone around us. And this is where we so often are literally handing over our power to the other co-parent because we don't know how to create our own safety internally. So we're wanting to control what they're doing so that then we can feel safe. If we could just get them to stop doing something, then we'd feel okay. And it actually doesn't work that way.

We have to really create our own independence and freedom. It's not their responsibility to change what they're doing. It's our responsibility to start taking control and regulate our own internal system, to create our own safety for ourself, to reduce our own stress cycle, to meet our own needs and be able to speak up and ask for needs that need to be met.

So how do we do this? Well, there's many ways that we can start to really work on nervous system regulation and emotional regulation. And like I said, in episode 142 and other episodes, there's a lot of information and ways. One really great way is breathwork. Just using our own breath, just like the pause button, where we take those three deep breaths, that's learning how to use our breath to calm our system down. When we feel very sort of on edge or running, running, running, running, running and out of control, it's our time to use our breath to actually calm ourselves down. So I highly recommend that you go to some of those episodes to check that out.

The last key component of emotional freedom and creating freedom for yourself is learning how to be self-reliant. Again, not expecting the world to change so that you can feel okay in it, but you really start to change and show up differently so that you don't need anything else to change so that you can feel calm, so that you can feel safe. You have this ability to do this, my friend, I promise you. And it takes time, it takes patience, it takes effort. Like I said at the top of the show, independence is simply a byproduct of when we are consistent in our actions, when our thoughts and our feelings and our actions align with each other, when we are being intentional, when we are being on purpose, when we are creating our own clarity and living from our values. This is what is so, so important. And it really comes down to integrity. And integrity is having your thoughts, your feelings, and your emotions aligned in the same direction. It's about being really honest with yourself, with others, being honest with your time, being honest with your energy, being honest with your money. When we are in integrity, we are not ignoring, we're not avoiding, and we're not suppressing, but we're showing up with honesty and meeting reality where it is.

And the last thing I wanna say here is that this isn't just about emotions. Freedom really comes from when we are attuning to our whole system. We are whole beings. You are whole exactly as you are. Often we feel broken, we feel like we are shattered, we feel like we are flawed. The truth of the matter is we are all perfectly imperfect, but we are whole beings. And the more that we can learn to treat ourselves in that holistic fashion, the more support, the more guidance, and the more love we offer ourselves, and the more freedom we will feel. So this looks like really attuning to your mind, to your body, and your spirit. It's a combined pathway. We can't just focus on the mind. We can't think our way out of every problem, right? We can't just focus on our emotions, right? Then we're just showing up in sort of all over the map, and we can't just focus on our body and ignore everything else. We have to be attuning to our mind, our body, and our spirit, offering each everything that it needs.

And I know this sounds like a lot of work, but you can do this, my friend. And your children need to watch you, take care of your mind, your body, and your spirit, so that you can enjoy your life, so that you can feel free, so that you don't have to wait for everything to change around you until you can start feeling better. You have that opportunity today, and it starts when we actually shift our focus to creating freedom. Focusing on awareness, regulation, creating self-reliance for you to show up for you, not waiting for anybody else to change, 'cause you could be waiting a long time. You get to do it for you, and if you need support, I hope you know I am here. It's why I do this podcast, to offer you ideas and tools and strategies at no cost, to be able to help you move the needle forward in your life. But if you want more support, I am here for that. You can DM me on Instagram. You can buy one of the relationship audits. Let's get you moving towards emotional freedom and independence today.

I love you so much. I am so grateful you're here, and if no one else tells you today, you are loved and you've got this.

Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.