Ep #21: Creating Mental Toughness: A Conversation with Dr. Jason Novetsky

Mikki: Hi, I'm Mikki Gardner, and this is the Co-Parenting with Confidence Podcast, episode number 21, Creating Mental Toughness, A Conversation with Dr. Jason Novetsky. [music] Mikki: Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach, with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same, if you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready, and let's dive into today's episode. Mikki: Welcome friend. I'm super excited to have you back here with me, I wanted to spend some time talking about our kids, everything that we do is often for our kids, we do so much for them, and we'd frankly do anything for them, and that's what a lot of this podcast is driven through, how we can be the best version of ourselves for our children, I believe whole-heartedly in Glennon Doyle's famous quote, our kids don't need us to save them, they need to watch us save ourselves, and this is so true, and this is what drives each of these episodes that I do, how we can take care of ourselves, meet our own needs, empower ourself to be the highest and best version of ourselves, for ourselves first and foremost, and for our children. Mikki: Before we dive into this amazing conversation today, I wanna take a minute to highlight and thank one of our listeners who was so generous to take the time and review this podcast, and I wanna celebrate how she is putting all of this into action in her own life. So Primal Ana Luv said, "I've been feeling alone and lost, this podcast has changed my perspectives and helped me start to make the change in my life that I needed." Thank you so much for writing this review, I'm so grateful for it, but I'm so happy you're finding the strength to take the aligned action that you need in your life today. Mikki: So in today's episode, we have a very, very special guest who is gonna talk to us about creating mental toughness, Dr. Jason Novetsky, he's a sports and performance psychology coach, he subscribes to the notion that talent is over-emphasized and mental toughness is the competitive advantage that creates champions. So let's be honest, moms, a lot of times children of divorce experience trauma, change, uncertainty, even in the best of scenarios, and I believe that the best thing that we can do is learn how to be resilient ourselves so that we can help our kids develop the skill of resilience as well. And this is exactly what Dr. Jay does. So without any further ado, let's dive into this awesome conversation. Mikki: I am so excited to have an amazing guest with us today, Dr. Jason Novetsky, who is a sports and performance psychology coach. So hello. Thank you for joining me. Dr. Novetsky: My pleasure, thanks for having me. I'm really excited. Mikki: Good. Me too. So my audience might be thinking, "What is she doing?" Right? We're in sports now? But here's the thing, Jason and I were introduced by a mutual friend, and I thought this could be a really interesting and helpful, informative and empowering episode for my audience, because we all know that with the divorce, our kids are experiencing sometimes trauma, extreme change, a lot of uncertainty, some unsafe-ness from an emotional perspective, and all of those things will in time, kind of show up in our kids, they might not right away, but over time, we might start to see some of these symptoms that happen, and so given your expertise and emphasis on mental toughness, and I love how positive and sort of real you are about things, I thought this could be a really great conversation for my audience. Dr. Novetsky: For sure. Mikki: And so that is why I'm so excited to have you, so I would love for you to tell us just a little bit about yourself, how you got here. Dr. Novetsky: Sure, so Mikki, what I do is I work with athletes at the level of the mental game of their sport, so I work with athletes as young as 10 years old, all the way up to professional athletes, men and women, boys and girls, all different sports, and we work on a number of different things to help them accomplish what I call their personal championships, so everybody has different level of goals, some kids just wanna have more fun playing a sport, some kids wanna make their varsity or high school team, and then I have a lot of athletes that are trying to get scholarships or get their next big contract at the professional level. Dr. Novetsky: So we might work on things like being more mentally prepared, being focused in the moment, resiliency, confidence issues, dealing with pressure, good goal setting with a process-focused. One big topic we focus on a lot as kids get older is their identity, who are they as an athlete, and what are the behaviors they need to engage in to be consistent with the person that they're trying to become? Sometimes I work with athletes that are overcoming an injury, dealing with confidence there, so they can have more confidence in their body after a knee surgery or something like that, and then sometimes I'm dealing with athletes that are transitioning out of their sport, and now who are they and so we go through that process as well. Mikki: Sure. Dr. Novetsky: Because they've been doing that for so long, and you asked how I got into it, I got into it because I needed it too. I was a Division 1 athlete myself, I played baseball in college. Long story short, my freshman year did not go very well, I didn't understand why I was not performing well until my coaches mentioned the possibility that it could be mental, and back in 1988, when I was a freshman in college, nobody was talking about the mental game and there was no internet or YouTube and look up things. Mikki: Sure. Dr. Novetsky: Or sport podcasts to listen to as well, and so I got books like we all used to, and once I started reading about the importance of the mental game and what it entailed and implemented a lot of the strategies, my career trajectory really changed and I had a nice successful Division 1 baseball career, fortunately, my elbow blew out my senior year, which also taught me how to deal with that kind of adversity, and I had to transition into what I call real life and not the sporting life as a 21, 22-year-old young person. So that's my story. Mikki: Wow, well, I mean I think adversity, right? We can all sense it, and it sounds like you had a lot to deal with as a young athlete and young man, and it's so interesting. As you were talking, I was thinking, well, this just applies to us moms, it's not even about supporting our kids, right? It's about the adversity that we go through for all of us as humans. Well, I would love to hear you talk a little bit more about sort of you mentioned the focus sort of attention, preparedness, overcoming adversity, how do you start that process, especially for maybe younger or high school and lower athletes, how do you look at that for them? Dr. Novetsky: Well, it really depends. I try to meet my athletes where they are, and one of the common themes that I tend to see when young athletes come in, is a difficulty handling pressure, and what we know now in the science of performance psychology and pressure, is that pressure usually involves three main things. One, you're doing something that's really important to you. The outcome really matters. Two, the outcome is uncertain, 'cause there's so many uncontrollable variables in that situation. And third, you're responsible or gonna be judged for that outcome, and when you combine all those three together and you focus on it so much, you focus on being judged and all the uncontrollables and the seriousness on the situation, you put your mind into a threat state, and we know when that happens, the brain kicks in with a bunch of chemicals that I don't need to go into detail here. Mikki: Sure. Dr. Novetsky: But it makes us stiff and it clouds our judgment, so we can't perform well, 'cause we don't have the nutrients our body needs, 'cause the brain is soaking them all up, and our cloudy judgment makes us make bad decisions or decisions too quickly, and we just feel a lot of pressure, therefore it diminishes our performance. So what we try to do is help athletes understand that at a developmentally appropriate level, and teach them how to literally focus on the things they can control, their attitude, their effort, their preparedness, their responses to situations, and we add those strategies to their tool box, so the next time they face pressure, they can manage it better. We're never gonna really diminish pressure 100%, but we can manage it better so we can perform to the best of our ability. Mikki: That's wonderful. And I think just to tie it back for my audience too, handling that pressure and focusing on what we can control, I'm a broken record on what we can control, which is our thoughts, our feelings, and therefore our actions, which I think is just another sort of spin on this. And so it's something that we're certainly working on as moms, but obviously could be really impactful to help our kids understand this so that they can help themselves on the field or the rink or whatever it is that they're after. Dr. Novetsky: For sure. Mikki: So I'm curious with kids, especially I'm guessing sort of middle school or high school age, right? Sports are so important to them and their identity, and sort of getting really wrapped up in that and wanting to perform, how do you sort of help them set goals that are appropriate for them, their skill levels, or their effort level, where they're at. Dr. Novetsky: Well, first we talk about what is goal setting for, we talk about the issue that it gives us a vision for where we wanna go, and I always give them the analogy, if we don't have goals, it's like getting into a car with no destination in mind, we just drive around all night and we don't ever accomplish anything. So it's good to have goals. And again, the research shows that the most successful people, not just have goals, but they write them down, they read them every day and they take action on them, and so when we work on goals with young people or pros, we talk about, in my opinion, three levels of goals, and you can call them long-term, short-term daily or anything like that, but I call them ultimate goals, performance goals and process goals. And so I help them understand that an ultimate goal is kind of like the dream, what do we wanna accomplish here long-term, what do you wanna do with your sport or your performance, what do you wanna be able to say that you did or people can say about you when you're retired or done playing? That could be, "Hey, my goal is I will play professional baseball," or, "I will earn a collegiate scholarship in my sport," that's the ultimate goal, let's say. Dr. Novetsky: And then we talk about performance goals. Performance goals to me are very outcome-based, measurable goals that we do for this year or this season, so it could be getting faster, getting stronger, accomplishing a certain task, learning a new skill, earning a spot in the line up, becoming a captain, things like that. Now, what's important to understand about those first two levels of goals, is most of those are outside of our control as you've been mentioning, so we wanna understand that, but it's still good to have that vision of what we're trying to accomplish, which then leads us into the most important kind of goal, is the process. And I again use analogies a lot for young kids, and I'll say, think of those other two kinds of goals, like a chocolate cake, but you can't go out and buy your chocolate cake, you have to make it yourself. So the process is your recipe and your ingredients, what are you gonna need to learn, what are you gonna need to do, what do you need to have to make sure that you have the best shot of accomplishing your performance goals, which in turn will help you down the road accomplish your ultimate goal. Dr. Novetsky: So a process goal from the mental side could be, I will do mental workout three times a week, which might include concentration task, visualization, daily reading of my goals, things of that nature, and it could include physical task like, I will run three miles a week, or I will lift weights, or I will attend extra practice, take 50 ground balls a week with a purpose, under pressure, whatever their sport is, we try to really get down granular to what are you gonna do every day that you can control, that will help you accomplish those performance goals? Mikki: Oh my gosh, I love that. I feel like as a mom, I should be applying all these things to myself too, and which we do. Dr. Novetsky: And these things are good for anybody. Mikki: Yeah. Dr. Novetsky: Yeah, it's not just sports, I mean, this is just good goal setting. Mikki: Absolutely. No, it's brilliant. So I'm curious, from a mom perspective, we talked very briefly before we hit record here, and one of the things that I've noticed with my clients is, you know there is a certain amount of "damage" that's done through divorce, right? And so sometimes we feel guilty or maybe a certain amount of shame surrounded with that, and then try to over-compensate, whether it's giving gifts, maybe really over-inflating our kids, because we don't want them to feel any more rejection, we don't want them to feel any more pain. And as you were talking about the goal setting, I was sitting here thinking, supporting our children as a mom, you're like, you just wanna tell them they're the best ever, and that they're doing a great job. Now, on the other end of that, the opposite would be sort of total frank realism, which may not be helpful either, but I'm curious from your perspective, how can a parent be supportive in the best way towards goal setting for their athletes, and whether it's in school, on the field, whatever. Supporting them, what's your advice? Dr. Novetsky: I think the golden rule applies, you need to be honest with your young person's athletic skills or their academic skills in the classroom as well, but take that growth mindset approach, right? That, "Hey, this is where you are, this is where we see you, this is what the coaches are telling us." And we look at our goals, where do we wanna go? Well, what's it gonna take to get there? So instead of inflating your young person because you feel guilty for whatever reason or shame as you mentioned, and you're trying to protect them and shield them from more of that, I think that could be wrong in a way, and that could hurt them in long run, we don't wanna over-protect them, certainly we wanna protect them from harm and keep them safe, of course, but emotionally, we have to be honest and set goals that are difficult that will stretch them a little bit, realistic, but challenging goals is how I like to say it. So assess the situation with them, honestly, this is where you are. I'm not gonna tell you any different, I'm not gonna say you're the next Derek Jeter. You got a long way to go before you get there big guy, but hey, if you really have a dream, I will give you all the resources and tools you need to get there, but you're gonna have to put in the work. Dr. Novetsky: Hey, and along the way, there's gonna be some disappointment too, there might be teams you don't make, and we're gonna have to figure out how to achieve those goals in a different way. And I will say as a side note, I think one of the worst things that regardless of who you are, a parent, or an aunt, or an uncle, is to go behind your athlete's back and call coaches and talk to coaches or teachers and try to get things done without them knowing, I think the best thing we can do for our kids is empower them to do things for themselves, allow them to face the criticism, allow them to face the adversity and the disappointment with your support, because that's only gonna make them stronger. I think one of the biggest issues I see with some of my clients is that sometimes parents are over-indulgent in their athlete's lives, making phone calls on their behalf, calling coaches, complaining to coaches, things like that, and I think that's a real detriment to a young person's development, I think we have to let them feel some of that disappointment. This is a long-winded answer of saying, I'm not a fan of the participation trophy situation there, or just getting kids into gifted and talented classrooms, 'cause it looks good from the parent's point of view, I think that's a bunch of nonsense, and I think it ruins kids. Mikki: Well, I appreciate your honesty and frankness there, and I had to have a very frank conversation with my son this week who got off the ice having not put any amount of good effort into a game, and it's one of those things where it was, do you sugar coat it? Do you lose your temper, right? From being a frustrated parent watching, it's a lot easier to watch a sport from the sidelines than actually be the athlete. We had talked a couple of weeks ago. I was curious sort of your... Not perspective, I'm not going there, but it's, just from a mom's experience, sitting there watching and then, do you sugar coat it, or do you sort of tell them what you think. And I had to say, that was not the effort that anybody expected, your coaches, your teammates, your parents, and you ask for more, a higher level team, you ask for more responsibility, and that takes a lot of effort, and so I'm willing to do anything I need to do when I see it reciprocated, and it was a hard conversation. And my son's only 11, so there were a lot of crocodile tears at the same time, but I agree with you that I think the participation trophies, especially again, as divorce parents, I see it a lot where we're trying to buy their affection, try to buy their way out of the pain that they may have experienced, and just wanting to make things easier, but easier doesn't necessarily make life better. Dr. Novetsky: And in fact, I think what happens when we slip into those traps, is we cultivate a culture of entitlement for those young kids, and that can really be a slippery slope as kids get older. Mikki: 100%. So you also mentioned a minute ago, which I love her work, but growth mindset, so I'm curious if you'll talk a little bit about that. Dr. Novetsky: Yeah, so it's universal, whether it's in sports or in the classroom, or life in general, and basically, if you... Unless you've been living under a rock, you haven't heard about growth and fixed mindset, in this field. Fixed mindset is when a person just feels like things are the way they are, and that's the way they're gonna be. Why should I try? Because this is just who I am, I'm not good at this, I'm good at that. I shouldn't have to put the work in because I'm already good at it, and if I wasn't good at it, then that's just the way it's gonna be. Or a growth mindset perspective, is more realistic. It's not Pollyanna, "Oh, I can do anything I ever wanted if I just put my mind to it." No, everybody's got a certain skill, and a certain limit to their skills, but it doesn't mean we can't improve and we can't learn more. So we wanna make sure that we cultivate that understanding with our young people that, "Hey, this is where you are now, this is what it's gonna take to get there, but it is possible, you may not achieve it over night, but eventually you will get better, you will make progress if you're willing to put in the work, sacrifice some things. It is possible for you to achieve the goals that you're setting out to achieve in your life. Mikki: Yeah, I love that answer. And that's again, one thing that I work on a lot with just moms and families, how do we create a growth mindset as it relates to the family that we wanna become, and sort of this new family. Dr. Novetsky: I always throw on top of that, like a cherry on top is, "Look, you can do anything you want. You just can't do everything you want." Mikki: Oh, that's so good. Dr. Novetsky: And I think that's also a growth mindset, it's like, it's realistic, there's a lot of things you can achieve, but there's gonna be some sacrifices too, so you can't have it all. You can do anything, you just can't have it all. Mikki: Honestly, it's such a refreshing thing to hear, because I think a lot of times in the media and everything else, we hear the opposite, "Oh, just do it, just go get it." It's so easy. [chuckle] Dr. Novetsky: I think that hurts kids, I really do. Mikki: I agree. Dr. Novetsky: And again, we're not trying to be harsh or mean, but we're trying to be honest and supportive at the same time like, "Hey, this is the real deal. I'll help you, I'm here for you, but I'm not gonna do it for you." Mikki: Yeah. So this leads perfectly into a question that I wanted to ask you from your perspective. So let's say just hypothetically, not that this ever happens. [chuckle] Maybe one parent in the scenario is a little bit more attached, we'll call it, to the outcome of their young athlete's life, maybe very driven to make sure that they're the best athlete, maybe the best that they're doing, and might be coming from a harsh shame-based kind of negative perspective. What do you say to... Because being in one house with two opposite parents is challenging, having two separate homes where maybe you don't have as much control or knowledge about what's happening, but you know that it's maybe that direction, how do we... Assuming that it's we, the moms, how do you offset that and kind of what do you do in that scenario when your kid might be experiencing this? Dr. Novetsky: Yeah. And I'm not gonna lie, it's extremely difficult as you know, and all the people you work with know. It's hard because one parent or the other can't control what's going on in that household when they're not there, they have no impact, so hopefully, hopefully you're able to work it out between the two parties that you have some common values that you're trying to raise your young person with or people with, and you stick to those values and you back it up with the behavior that's consistent with those values. So, obviously, communication is key. Are we speaking the same language? Otherwise, our child is getting a lot of mixed messages, and that's gonna do a lot of damage over time. So going back to what we said earlier about, we both need to be realistic about what the true expectations and skill levels are of our young athlete and make sure that we're promoting it and supporting it in the same fashion, making sure that we're not trying to live vicariously through them, if that's the case, with one of the other parent, and just remember that there's not a whole lot of scouting going on at 11 and 12-year-old hockey or baseball games. Dr. Novetsky: Tom Mizo is not showing up at your kid's YMCA basketball game, it's just not happening. So let's be realistic with that and make sure our first and foremost goal is for our young person to enjoy what they're doing, to have fun, create relationships, learn how to deal with adversity, learn how to deal with good and bad teammates and tough coaches and referees, and blood, sweat and tears, and the hard work that goes along with being an athlete. I think that's what we should be focusing on. Certainly, success in winning is fun and important, especially as you get older. Again, I'm not the participation trophy guy, but when they're young, it should be about them wanting to be there, not that they have to be there. And when an athlete moves from, "I have to go to practice," instead of, "I get to go to practice," no, those are some signs we should look for. Mikki: And what do you think if a kid that's just not wanting to go to practice, they are feeling like they have to, what do you think that is a sign potentially of? Is it too much pressure? Dr. Novetsky: Yeah, it could be a number of things. It could be that maybe they realize that it's not a good fit for them, or maybe the skill level that they're in is too high, and they don't feel like they're ready, so they don't wanna let anybody down or be embarrassed or humiliated in some way, or maybe they just don't like the sport in general, and they're doing it to not let mom and dad down because they see that there's enough stuff going on and they don't wanna add fuel to the fire there. So I think the best thing to do is ask questions, and again, be an open book, keep it honest, like, "Look, buddy, do you love going to this, do you really enjoy being with those people and do you like being at these games and traveling?" Or if they're like, "I like some of it and I don't like all of it." "Well, which parts do you like, can we emphasize that a little bit more? Let's focus on that." Dr. Novetsky: I'm not gonna talk about what position you play, or how many hits you did, or how much ice time you get, I'm just gonna focus on, I love watching you be out there with your friends, and if this is a way that you can do that, great. And down the road, you might find that you love it more and you catch it, it clicks with you, and you wanna do this long term, awesome, I'll be there for you. But in the meantime, just keep that communication line open so we don't get lost down the road and waste time, energy, money, and resources and tears on something they don't wanna do. Mikki: Sure. Oh, I love that. Yeah, I love that answer. So if you do see that your child is struggling or really sort of, whether it's mindset or performance, where do you suggest they sort of step in to start getting help, like someone like yourself. Dr. Novetsky: Oh, well, obviously, if what's going on is having an adverse effect on their performance and more importantly, their love of their game, so if we find that, like you said earlier, that the young person doesn't wanna go or is just struggling with their performance, they really do wanna be there and they wanna get good at it, but they're struggling. They seem to have the physical skills, but it seems like maybe they're having difficulty with being prepared, being ready, focused, dealing with adversity, dealing with the pressure, having confidence issues, and certainly that's a good time to seek someone out like me. Mikki: Okay, and you work directly with the athlete, not necessarily like the parents or anything, correct? Dr. Novetsky: Sometimes, it's a mixed bag. I would say most of the time, it's me one-on-one with the athlete. A typical first time session might be where the mom or dad or both come in together with their athlete just so we can all get to know each other and help the athlete feel comfortable, 'cause they don't know who I am and I'm this strange guy, they're coming to some office. So I say, don't just dump your kid off in here and walk out, let's get to know each other. And then if they feel comfortable after a couple of minutes, then I'll ask the parents to step out. But if the athlete says, "No, I'd rather have them stay, then that's fine too." Just with the understand that I'm gonna directly address them and re-set boundaries and rules that, "Hey, if you keep looking to mom and dad for answers, this isn't gonna work, so maybe it is better if they step outside, they'll be right outside the door, you can go get them if you need them," but that, I would say, never happens most of the time. Once they feel comfortable and they realize I'm not gonna hurt them or anything like that, I'm not gonna embarrass them, make them feel bad, then they're usually fine. Mikki: Yeah, oh well, I love that, 'cause I like to always... One of the things that I try to always do is empower people to find the resources that they need to help. It's like we so often struggle so long and so much more than we actually need to when there's amazing resources like you, there's amazing resources out there to support families. And if you can, finding those sort of sometimes more sooner than you think, 'cause I feel like sometimes people think, Well, they have to be the most amazing athlete to get help, or it has to be really bad before we go and reach out for help. Dr. Novetsky: Yeah, and I don't wanna make it sound like a sales pitch, but the fact is that what I do and what I teach and educate young people on are life skills, and we're using sport as their vehicle to talk about it. And if we have a better outcome in their performance, great. But what they learn about being mentally and physically prepared and how to deal with adversity and manage pressure and all the things we've been talking about, we can apply that to just about anything. Mikki: Which I think brings me full circle back to the beginning of why I thought it would be such a great opportunity to have you, is because sports is a great outlet for so many kids. It gives confidence, stability, community. And so if it's a place where they can sort of get out some of the things that are going on for them and feel more confident and learn those life skills that they can then take into their adulthood, it's such a gift. Dr. Novetsky: That's right, it's a great teacher for life. Mikki: Yeah, well, I don't wanna keep you all day, but I would be remiss if I did not ask you one more question since this is a Co-Parenting With Confidence podcast. [chuckle] But how do you define and create confidence? Dr. Novetsky: Well, big, big question, as you know. Mikki: Yes. Dr. Novetsky: Any time I have this conversation with my athletes, we always start out with a definition, and I'll ask them first, How do you define confidence without using the word confidence? And they're always kind of startled, like, "I never thought about it that way." And it's amazing to me how many times even older athletes neglect to use the word believe, and believing in themselves, believing in their ability to conquer a task successfully that's presented to them in that moment. To me, that's what confidence is all about, is, I believe I can do this right here, right now, and I believe I can do it well. So let me start there. And then we have a brief discussion about, well, where does confidence usually start? Is it a feeling? Is it a thought? Is it a behavior? And after some ruminating on that, it's usually half and half or a third and third and third, but we usually break it down to, like you do, it does start with our thoughts, how we think about the situation, which turns into feelings, which then turns into the quality of our performance or our actions. Dr. Novetsky: So once we agree on that, I talk to them about how, well, then there are some things that we can do to manage and build our confidence up, because so many athletes come into my office and say, "Coach, doc, help me with my confidence. I lost it." And I say, "Look, you didn't lose anything. You're just not behaving, thinking or performing the right way to manage it." So we talk about various strategies, and just real quick, we talk about the importance of body language, and how not just our body language speaks to others, but our body language speaks to ourselves because we now know through science that when you carry yourself a certain way, you make yourself bigger and expansive, you produce more testosterone. And it's not just a male hormone, it's a power hormone. Dr. Novetsky: And so when we teach them how to carry themselves with more confidence, whether it's the way they walk, they sit, they stand, when they walk into the gym or on the field, those things are powerful in helping us feel more confident at that point. We talk about the importance of, what are you imagining your picturing in your mind? What movies are you seeing, what TV shows are you mentally seeing in your mind about yourself? And we talk about how we have control of our own remote control on our mental TV. And if you don't like the TV show you're watching in your head, you need to change the channel, and that's up to you. But sometimes, just reminding them to change their own channel is very empowering. They didn't realize that they could actually consciously do that. Then we get into the importance of the self-talk, how we talk to ourselves. What are the quality of the words? What is the tone of voice? All of us are much meaner and nastier to ourselves than we are to other people. Mikki: Absolutely. Dr. Novetsky: Yeah, so I'll often flip the script and I'll say, I'll give them a scenario like, "Tell me something you wanna get better at? What do you need to improve on?" And they'll say, "Well, I wanna raise my grade in math class." And I'll say, "Okay, great, I'm gonna be you, you're gonna be your inner voice. Give me some advice." And they'll list off a number of things they can do: Go see the teacher, study more, use Quizlet or whatever they need to do to get better grades. And I'll say, "Now, when you were talking to me as you, were you talking to me with more respect than you normally talk to yourselves?" And they laugh because they're so mean and nasty to themselves. But it's interesting how when you're talking to somebody else, you would never do that. Mikki: Never. Yeah. Dr. Novetsky: So, why not treat yourself with more self respect? So the inner voice is clearly one way we can build confidence. And then the issues are being more prepared, physically and mentally. We talk about, What can you control to be more prepared mentally and physically, and what about your past successes? Tell me other times you've had success in your life, in your sport or anything else. Let's make a list, let's make a top 10 list for you of all the best performances that you've ever achieved in your life, and then connect with how you felt when you did that, and let's take those good, confident feelings into your new performance, because you know you've been successful before, that means you can do it again. Mikki: Yeah. Oh, I love that answer. That's such a good one. Thank you so much. Dr. Novetsky: My pleasure. Mikki: Well, I'm so appreciative that you've been here, and I would love for people to know how to connect with you and to find you. Dr. Novetsky: Sure, sure. Name of my company is called Champion Mindset Group. I'm located in Birmingham, Michigan. The website is www.champmindset.com. You can also find me on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook, just look up "Champion Mindset Group in Birmingham" or "Champ Mindset," you can find me there. And in the past, we're in negotiations now with a new production company, but we had a run of 40 podcasts called Rising Champions, where we interviewed young people on the issues of the mental game and the mental skills in their sport. So it was always fun for me, instead of interviewing already professional athletes and what they do to be successful mentally, I thought it would really help young people hear from other young people about the trials and tribulations and the successes they've had up in their mental game as well. So we had a bunch of great local athletes on. We did have some coaches and some pros, but a majority of our guests were young athletes anywhere from age 12 up to college. Mikki: Oh, I love that. And I will put a link in the show notes to all of this so that they can easily find you, and I would very much love listening too, I've caught a couple of episodes and look forward to listening to some more of those. But I just wanted to say thank you so much for your time, your positivity and sort of helping shed some light on the subject and how we might better support our young athletes. Dr. Novetsky: That was great, thank you for having me. Mikki: Okay, thanks so much. Mikki: Okay, how good was that conversation? I gotta tell you, I had so many great takeaways from my talk with him, and I just wanted to highlight a few for you. I love the way that Dr. Jay talks about pressure, that it comes up when we are, one, doing something that really matters to us. Two, the outcome is uncertain, or there are many obstacles, and three, that when you're in a position that it's your responsibility or that you may be judged. And what this pressure does when it has all of those three things is that it puts our body into a threat state. I know we've talked about it before, but it puts ourselves into that fight or flight where we're flooded with all of the hormones. And what this does is it makes us stiff. It clouds our judgment and we don't perform well. He was talking about sports, really resonated with me on when we're feeling the pressure, the pressure to be the best mom, when we're feeling the pressure of the divorce, of the pressure of all the unknowns, and we are so consumed by it, that we start to feel stiff and stuck, and our judgment becomes completely clouded with all of this pressure and we can't see clearly to make the aligned choice that we want to. Mikki: So this one was really useful to me as it relates to our children, but also in my own life. The other advice that I really took away from this conversation is that we have to be emotionally honest with our kids, and at the same time, love them through it. That as co-parents, really finding common values is so important, and not only having those values, but then backing it up with the behaviors that support those values. I know we talk about this a lot on this podcast. And the third takeaway for me was really, keep it honest. Ask a lot of questions and keep the communication open. I mean, isn't this what we want others to do for us? So this is what we need to do for our kids, on and off the fields. So that's our show for today. I hope that you've gotten some ideas of actionable ways that you can start to create more mental toughness for you and your kiddos today. And if you wanna hear about any other free classes or workshops that I offer, please go over to my website to sign up for The Three Myths: Parenting After Divorce, and you will get on that list to stay in the know. Mikki: That's www.mikki, M as in Mary, I-K-K-I, Gardner, G-A-R-D-N-E-R.com. And one last thing, like that amazing viewer that I highlighted at the beginning of the show, if you're receiving value from this free podcast, I would be so grateful if you would rate and review the show. This helps me more than you know. It helps me deliver more of what you wanna hear. And when you rate and review, it helps more women find the show so that we can create more peace, more alignment in this world for us and our kiddos. Thanks so much for spending this time with me. I'm so grateful that you're here. I'll see you next week, and in the meantime, take great care of you. [music] Mikki: Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting With Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]