Ep #11: Creating Connection with Your Kids: A Conversation with Coach Crystal

I’m Mikki Gardner, and this is the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast, episode number eleven, Creating Connection with Your Kids: A Conversation with Crystal Haitsma. Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name’s Mikki Gardner. I’m a Certified Life and Conscious Parenting Coach, with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I’m here to help you do the same. If you’re ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let’s dive into today’s episode. On today’s episode, I am so excited. We have a special guest; the amazing Crystal Haitsma. She is a life and parenting coach and host of The Freedom Moms Podcast. Crystal helps moms build radical connection with their kids, and I absolutely adore her. We are going to dive into all things parenting and connection today. So, without further ado, let’s dive into this episode with Coach Crystal. -- Mikki: Today, we have such a special guest that I am so excited about. Coach Crystal is here. Crystal: Hi, thanks for having me. Mikki: absolutely. For those of you who don’t have the pleasure of knowing Crystal yet, I know that you’re going to love her. She is the host of The Freedom Moms Podcast. She has a membership for moms. She’s a one-to-one coach. And she is @the.parenting.coach on Instagram. And she is amazing. So, I’m super excited. Thank you so much for coming on and sharing your time and your energy and your expertise with me and this amazing audience. Crystal: Thank you. Mikki: Yeah, so I think I just wanted to start with what intrigues me so much about you and your work is how you really are helping women tap into their expert power, to heal their relationships and support their children, and really how to take care of themselves first. And so, I would love for you to tell us what you’re about, how did you get here, all those juicy details. Crystal: Yeah, I think I didn’t believe that I had an inner parenting expert power, so I think that that’s how I got here is my own struggles, I think, which most of us do. That’s most of our stories. And I have a few kids that have some diagnoses. They’re neurodivergent. And if you’ve ever tried typical parenting methods with a child that is neurodivergent, you will know, as I found out, that they do not work. They will not work 100% of the time. So, if you want your child to listen and do what you say, they won’t do it pretty much every time. So, I was going through this for years and years and years. And I knew about conscious parenting and attachment-based parenting. My parents actually had given me a book, Hold On to Your Kids by Dr. Gordon Neufeld when my oldest was about two. And he teaches about attachment-based parenting. And I loved it and it immediately resonated. But my parents were kind of like, “We didn’t parent this way, FYI, so you should. It’s way better.” And I was like, “Thanks, mom.” Anyway, they even took me to courses that he had put on. It was great, but the problem I found was that the more I learned about this kind of parenting, the worse I felt because I couldn’t do it. I was very reactive, and it just got worse the older that my children got. So, by the time one of my kids was around eight or nine, he wasn’t my oldest, but he was just really struggling. And I was really struggling. And we kind of got to this breaking point where we were like, “Something has to shift. One of us has to leave or something because this is not working.” We were in such a bad spot. And at that time, that’s when I finally reached out for help. I don’t know why I didn’t before. I don’t know why I was just like, “I can figure this out. I can push my way through this somehow on my own.” And I really did need help. And once I got some help and support and really started to shift inwards, I thought it was my child that was the problem. I think most of us do. So I was like, “No, you need to fix my child.” And she’s like, “No, no, no I don’t deal with the kids. I just deal with the parents.” And I was like, “Well, that’s not going to help. How are you going to fix my child if you don’t talk to him?” And she was like, “Well, that’s not really how this works.” And I’m like, “But no, I promise you, my child’s the problem.” Because we all think that. And now I tell my people, the good news is your child’s not the problem. But the bad news is, your child’s also not the problem. So, you have to turn inwards and do your own work. And it is our own inner healing that happens that makes us able to parent this way. And it actually comes really naturally. So now, I help people kind of tap into that, into their own inner power. I’ve totally transformed my relationship with that child and with my other children, and parenting is a lot more easy, it’s a lot more natural. I enjoy it a lot more. My kids listen much more. They are so much better behaved. We really do enjoy being around each other. And when I do lose it and I yell or maybe I just don’t respond like I want to, it’s so much easier for me to reconnect and apologize and move on than it was before. I don’t go into that shame spiral. So, it was probably a lot longer of an answer than you were looking for, but that’s kind of a snippet of my journey. Mikki: Well, I love it. And there’s a couple of things that stood out to me. And I love that your mom acknowledged, “This is not the way we parented. You should do that.” What a gift. Crystal: It was. She was really like, “Let’s break this cycle.” That’s what she was saying, like, “This is not the way to do it.” the cycle that she had been stuck in from her parents and her grandparents and all of that. And we really do have to be the people that do that. And she dragged me along to all these courses and kept talking to me about it and I was like, “Eurgh…” but really, when I learned about it, I was like, “Wow, this is the way.” Like there was something about it, it was almost like it was speaking to my inner voice. It was like, “This is it. This is the thing that you need.” And it was just that tiny little glimpse of my own intuitive power, my own parenting expert that was saying, like, “This is the path for you.” And then I stuffed it down for a long time after that. But I’m much better at listening to my own inner parenting expert now, and that’s what I love helping people do, is really uncover that for themselves. Mikki: That’s amazing. So, you know, the other thing that I heard you say that I think I really appreciated that you acknowledged is when you do mess up, when you do act maybe in a way that you don’t want or show up in a way you don’t want and sort of acknowledging that. Because even with all the tools and all the knowledge and being the expert that you are, we all still mess up. Crystal: Yeah, and not only do we only still mess up. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. And I think it’s such a gift. Because I talked to somebody who said that their mom never got mad, ever, never displayed anger. And she said that she felt so much shame. Even as a child, she remembers the feeling of shame whenever she would feel anger. And she grew up thinking it was such a problem and she didn’t know how to handle it. When we mess up, quote unquote mess up, it’s really not even messing up. It’s just learning and growing. And when we can model to our children how to respond to that shame, how to become shame-resilient, like, “Okay, when we do something wrong, then we apologize, and we reconnect, and we make amends, and we still love us, and we still love you.” And when we can show them that over and over again, it gives them the path to follow when they grow. And if we don’t show them that, if we just show them perfection, that’s not real either. Mikki: Exactly. I love that so much. And I think for my audience, you know, one of the things that we struggle with, you know, there’s mom guilt and shame that is built in that all moms kind of – not all, but most – struggle with. But then you add divorce on top of it and there is a new level of shame and hiding that goes along with that. And so, I really like that you point out, we can be the example for how we show up, how we make amends, how we move forward, how we grow. So, I really appreciate that. So, I can imagine someone listening to this thinking, “Well, she sounds amazing. It sounds like she’s got this going.” But practically, when you are working with your clients, what’s step one? What do you think is just one basic tool that might be helpful? Crystal: One basic tool? I would say awareness; awareness of A, our thoughts, and B, our feelings. Actually maybe reversed. Maybe feelings first and then thoughts. I think that we need to become more aware of those. We often just have all these beliefs that are from our past that we don’t uncover, that we don’t deal with. And same with the emotions. We’re not aware of how we’re feeling during the day. And then we’re just like, “Why am I so triggered?” Well, we might have already been kind of pre-triggered all day long. We might have been building and building and building and not becoming aware of that. So, the first step is always just awareness of self. So, what am I thinking? What am I feeling when I am triggered? Why? What’s under this trigger? Why is it so frustrating for me that my kids won’t go to bed on time or that they don’t listen to me or that they always drop their backpack off at the door and never put it away, even though I’ve asked them every day. So, what’s really going on there for me? Before I even try to go to creating solutions for them, it’s always just turning that focus inward and taking time to sit still and just be with our feelings and be with our thoughts. Mikki: I love that. So, let’s use that backpack example Because I feel like there’s shoes and coats and all the things at the door. Or we ask a million times and things don’t happen. So, if we stop long enough before reacting, take that pause, one of the things I talk about the power of the pause, just creating the space between you and the world to have a choice, that one breath, to be able to choose. So, in that breath, you choose, you acknowledge that maybe you’re feeling disrespected, like nobody cares, you’re all alone on an island, all those things. What’s the next step? Crystal: Yeah, so I think that backpack example is a good one because we can all relate to that. Like, “I’m feeling frustrated. They don’t’ care about me.” Or “They never listen.” So the next step would just be, in the moment, to like what you said, create that pause, take a deep breath – I did not do this last night by the way, trying to get my kid out of the pool, “He’s not getting out. he’s not getting out. He’s not getting out,” and I’m like, “This is so frustrating.” And I was, for a little bit, able to still be connected and whatever. But eventually I did get frustrated. And I notices, I didn’t take a pause. I didn’t breathe. And I really think breath is so powerful. So, when we can take a long inhale and a really slow exhale and allow ourselves to release that and to sit with that feeling – let’s imagine that we’re feeling agitated. Maybe we’re thinking they never listen and we’re feeling agitated. If I just sit, I kind of put my hand on my chest and I take a deep breath and I just name the feeling, “Okay, I’m feeling agitated. That’s what this is. That’s okay. I can handle this feeling. This feeling is allowed.” I can feel my body relax. It’s like my whole body takes a sigh of relief. And it’s less than a minute. It just takes no time at all when I sit and allow myself to do that. And then, that puts me in a much more positive space to respond to the situation and to pull out those tools that we all have. Even if you don’t think you have tools, if you’re listening to this and you’re like, “But I haven’t read the books.” You don’t have to read the books. They are all already inside you. So, just calming down and relaxing. And usually, when I can get people to move to that space and I’m like, “Okay, well what could we have done?” It’s usually things like getting down to their level and looking at their eyes and listening to their side of it and being empathetic. But those all come naturally when we’re in that more calm and collected space. We don’t need somebody sitting there telling us, “And this is step two, and then this is step three.” It all happens naturally if we can take that time to just be present and to really allow ourselves to get in a good energetic space. Mikki: Yeah, I couldn’t agree more. I love that you sort of reflected that, and just to get back to the breath. Because I believe that our natural set point is peace and calm. It’s where we’re actually supposed to be. When we’re outside of that is maybe when we’re a little out of alignment. So, when we can, to your point, we can access… Crystal: Especially when we’re resisting that. It’s usually the resistance of all of that that’s the problem. If we could just let all of those emotions flow naturally through us, it would be a different story. Mikki: Absolutely. Well, I love that. So, then that’s the point when we can get the backpack off the ground, set some maybe natural consequences. And one of the things as you were talking that really struck me is that one of the things that you, my audience, I hear a lot from is about transitions. So, when you have two houses, whether it’s everybody has a different schedule, but kids are moving back and forth. And change and transitions are difficult for children in any situation. Most humans don’t enjoy change. It’s like when we have to get up and go do something, it’s kind of human nature to resist that a little bit. But as you were talking, I was thinking and applying that same logic to transitions, when going from house to house, when we’re able to calm ourselves, realize we might be being triggered by our children’s emotions. Maybe they don’t want to go, maybe they’re sad, maybe they’re angry, you know, there’s a lot of things happening. And to your point, being able to turn inward and figure out where you’re coming from. Crystal: Yeah, I think that when we can take a step back and we can zoom out of that situation and uncover what we’re thinking and feeling and reset, then we can also do that for them. So, maybe they’re struggling because this transition for them is hard. And then, we don’t feel like we necessarily even have to use a consequence. Like, I’m not a proponent of any rewards or consequences because I don’t think that a child is ever trying to consciously like, “I’m going to go do this thing and be bad.” So, when we can uncover what’s really going on behind the scenes, it helps us come to compassion. And then, we usually just let it go. Even going back to the backpack thing, we just be like, “I wonder what’s going on here. I wonder why it’s so hard for them.” Maybe they just have a hard time remembering. Maybe I put up a visual cue at the front door with a picture. Maybe I just say a quick word. Maybe I connect with them before I direct them to do something. There are so many little steps that could come that might be helpful. But when we immediately go to, like, “This isn’t okay,” or, “You can’t do this,” or feeling like they’re just being disrespectful to you, or you have to teach them a lesson. You kind of lose all of that inner power or knowledge that we want to tap into. Mikki: Absolutely, that resistance, yes. And you know, there are natural consequences to all of our actions that happen. And I think, to your point, when we’re able to handle what’s happening for ourselves, we can allow them to actually survive those natural consequences. Whether it’s forgetting something at school or not maybe doing as well at something that you wanted to. There’s always those things that happen and we can navigate it differently. Crystal: Yeah, and I think that sometimes people feel like they have to put some effort in to create a natural consequence. And I’m like, that’s not a natural consequence, guys. So, a natural consequence is I’m holding my phone and then I let go of my hand and then it drops on the floor. That’s something that happens. And so, I think when we’re talking about natural consequences, we’re talking about something that happens without you at all. You don’t have to instill yourself into that situation. So, going back to my example of last night, it took a very long time for us to leave the pool. It took a very long time for us to get dressed. It took a long time for us to get home. So, my kids didn’t get to bed until late. And so, that child that was really struggling was super tired this morning and was too tired to go to school. So, normally I homeschool them. And this one is trying out – he’s been in a school for a couple of weeks, and he really likes it. So, that was kind of what just happened. He slept in because he stayed up late and that’s just what happened. So, I think that a lot of people – one of the common misconceptions I see when people learn this parenting approach is feeling like they still have to somehow instill themselves and be like, “Now you have to do extra chores,” or something that’s not actually a natural consequence. Mikki: Absolutely, agreed, agreed. And we’ll have to have a whole other episode on those things… Crystal: I could talk about this on for a whole workshop, I’m sure. Mikki: My partner will ask me, he’s like, “Well, what’s the natural consequence?” Well, I don’t know. That’s going to take me a little while. It will come. So, there was one thing that, right before I hit record, I mentioned to you I was on your Instagram, which I love. If you guys do not follow her, you need to do that immediately. Because I just love the positivity, the empowerment, and just the real sort of real-life tactical things that are going on. But one of your posts that really hit me was The Four Reasons Our Kids Are Melting Down. And I just thought that this was so relevant, you know, why their melting down is so hard for us, I should say. Crystal: Yes, why their melting down is so difficult for us. Mikki: And I felt like this is so perfect for my audience because this is relevant when we’re trying to navigate our kids’ emotions around divorce. I know from my experience, my son was three when we separated. He’s now 11. He’s still navigating those feelings. It is something that it takes a lot of time and effort. And so, when we’re doing that, it can be so hard on us. And so, I would love for you to just talk a little bit about these reasons, if you could. Crystal: Yeah, for sure. This is one of my most popular posts and people ask me questions about it all the time. I had a friend do a whole podcast episode on this and it was so funny because it just kind of came to me. I was like, well these are the reasons. This is what I see in myself and with my clients all the time. But it’s easier to understand if it’s like, okay, one, two, three, four, boom, boom, boom. So, number one is personalization. And so, what that means is making their behavior mean something about us. We do this with all the things; not just parenting. So we’re like, this didn’t work out, that must mean that I am… So, one of the common phrases could be, like, they’re disrespecting me. That’s one of the most common ones that I hear, especially for kids, tweens, and teens, would be, “They’re disrespecting me.” And that’s making it mean something about me. They’re doing this to me intentionally. So, if we zoomed out of that situation and we were like, what’s actually going on here? Typically it’s maybe they’re lacking the skills. Maybe they’re struggling at school, and we don’t even know. Maybe they’re just going through some emotional, hormonal, developmental thing that we don’t even understand. Maybe there’s some diagnosis that hasn’t happened there. There are so many things that it could be that don’t have to do with us. And almost all of the time, it does not have to do with us. And when we make it mean something about us, it’s harder for us to show up in the way that we want in those parenting situations. Like when they’re struggling, then we’re going to, right, get in the struggle bus with them when we make it mean something about us. So, number one, personalization. Just notice when you are taking something personally and what other situations might also be true, or what other stories might be true in that situation. Number two was people pleasing. So, most of us were raised as people pleasers, not on purpose but because our parents – the generation above us was typically authoritarian in their parenting, which means that they weren’t necessarily okay with loud emotions, lots of crying or sadness or yelling and anger. And so, we were maybe sent our space or yelled when that behavior came up. So, because that happened, we felt intrinsically like we’re in control of everybody else’s emotions. Not only are these emotions not okay and that they’re bad and that we’re going to push them down, but also it’s us, like, if we can calm down then our parents will stop yelling. We kind of had this weird belief pattern that was instilled of, like, even them telling us that, like, “You’re making me angry,” or, “You’re hurting your sister’s feelings,” even the phrases that we used taught our children and taught us that other people are in control of our emotions and we’re in control of other people’s emotions. Which means we need to keep everybody else safe and happy. Because we’re not comfortable with big emotions now, then we need to somehow put out all these little fires because we don’t know how to handle this discomfort inside of ourselves. I could talk about that one for a long time too, so hopefully that made sense enough. Mikki: It did, thank you, yeah. Crystal: Yeah, so that can also be a problem. And then the third one would be past beliefs or stuck emotions. So, just beliefs that our parents maybe handed down to us or maybe we got from culture. I remember, I love to read my children classic literature. And we’re reading all these classic books written a long, long time ago. And there are so many times that I have to stop and be like, “We don’t actually believe that. It’s actually okay for boys to cry,” or, “This isn’t what we believe about women,” or, “This isn’t how we talk. This isn’t a phrase that we use anymore.” Which brings up great conversations for us, but there’s so much in culture that we don’t even realize is really getting stuck inside there. So, it’s digging up, like, what are some beliefs that maybe I have that aren’t necessarily serving me to show up as the mom I want to? If I want to be a more conscious parent but I’m thinking it’s really hard to connect with my kids or my children should always listen to me – there’s all these little beliefs that may or may not sound good. But when we sit and just allow ourselves to feel them, we’re like, “That one doesn’t actually feel that true to me.” And then also stuck emotions, so not taking the time with our emotions to just feel them. Mikki: So, a stuck emotion – I’m always curious about this. So, if we don’t want – if we’re resisting and we want to ignore and avoid, where does that emotion go? Crystal: Yeah, so I was listening to a podcast episode by Amelia and Emily Nagoski, I think is their names. It’s called Burnout. And they were being interviewed by Brené Brown. And I liked their explanation of it because they call it like a tunnel. They said an emotion is like a tunnel. So, you have the beginning of the tunnel, the middle of the tunnel, and the end of the tunnel. If you don’t process your emotion, you’re stuck in the middle of the tunnel. And so stuck that you can’t really see forward or backwards. So, when we’re stuck in that emotion, for me, this looks like I’m going t already be kind of anxious and in this alarmed state and in this frustrated, agitated state. I call it my red zone. And when I’m in my red zone, or even my yellow zone, it’s so much easier to blow up at my kids when they do something that I don’t necessarily want, or to have some sort of a shift in my schedule or my day that I didn’t plan on. It’s going to really just tip me over the edge. So, a stuck emotion is one where we’re not allowing ourselves to process it. Maybe we numb out. Maybe we scroll social media or stay up late watching Netflix or overeat. There’s lots of things we can do when we’re feeling these emotions we don’t want to feel. So, a stuck emotion would be really not processing your uncomfortable emotions in healthy ways. And then they just kind of stick there inside. They’re still going to just bubble up and boil there. And they can really affect how we parent our children. Mikki: Yeah, so as you were talking, I was just again thinking sort of about the audience that we’re talking to today. And when you said stuck emotions, I’m thinking all of those emotions that come up around divorce, around the end of a marriage, around new beginnings, so many times you’re just trying to survive, right? You’re just in survival mode for a little while and I heard myself – while you’re in grief, it’s like you can’t deal with that then. And I think your point is really well-taken, that you can’t see in front or behind. You’re just kind of there. And so, as much as we can soften to allow for… Crystal: Yeah, and to allow for even the grief to be there. I just had a client of mine who had just realized that her marriage was ending, and so she was feeling a lot of feelings. And all that we did in our coaching sessions, we never worked on our thoughts or beliefs. All we did was sit and I was just the container for her to process that emotion. So, we just went through all the different areas of her body, where she was feeling it, and we just processed the emotion for the whole session. And for the whole session, she was like, “Let’s just do that again. That’s what I need to do.” And the more she did that, the more she was able to do that on her own in between sessions. So, even when we are going through something really big, the difficult thing is the resistance. It’s going to feel so much worse if you’re like, “Let’s just figure this out later,” instead of just allowing ourselves to process it, even just little bits of it. If it all feels too big, let’s just process a little bit of it. And I heard someone say one time that emotion never lasts more than 90 seconds. And I’ve had people set timers and they were like, “It’s almost 90 seconds on the dot that it feels like it dissipates.” So, it might come back again. Like, it might come back in kind of a wave. But your brain’s probably telling you that this is too hard, it’s going to take too long, I don’t have time, it’s going to be too much. And so, just allowing that. Allowing ourselves to cry and to move our bodies or to yell or whatever we need to do while we’re processing that. And I don’t mean, like, reacting badly to other people or people around us, but allowing ourselves to be with ourselves. I do this processing by myself or with a coach. But I’m not going to be around a lot of other people while I’m feeling this. Mikki: Absolutely. Well, I love that you brought that up. And I was actually with a client yesterday and we were just talking about the 90 seconds. And it really is true that when we do allow ourselves to process it, it’s not typically as catastrophic as we sort of anticipate that it might be, and just allowing ourselves the little bits of space. And so, I just wanted to kind of point that one out, especially for my audience that is struggling. Because any times, you feel like you’re just trying to survive, just trying to deal with your kids, just trying to do everything. But when they’re either processing or not processing or not processing their emotion, it’s so important that we do that for ourselves so that we can show up as that clean sort of loving container for our children. Crystal: Yeah, for sure. The fourth one is not taking care of ourselves. So, we’re burnt out, overwhelmed, stressed out. This is so common. I don’t know if I’ve talked to any mom who is like, “Oh yeah, I take really good care of myself.” They’re usually like, “I don’t have time. I don’t have money. I need to spend all my energy with my kids.” The problem is, this is actually counterproductive. The more that we just give, give, give, give, give without filling us, the more burnt out we are and we don’t actually parent in the way that we want. We say that we’re doing it for them, but it is actually more harmful for them. So, if we take the time to fill us up first, it comes much more natural and much more easily to us to parent in the way that we want to. And then we also don’t get so tied up with us and them. So, going back to the personalization, like when we put all of us into this role as a mom, then when they are behaving well, we can take all the credit and feel good. When they’re behaving badly, we’re going to feel pretty bad. And so, we really do need to have, like, a separate identity from our kids. So, what fuels you? What’s your passion? What’s your mission? What’s your purpose? What do you love to get up in the morning and do? And that might feel overwhelming for you in this moment if you are really struggling. But even just picking one small thing. Even if that’s just taking deeper breaths, if that’s going outside in nature for a five-minute walk, if it’s calling a friend just to connect, there’s lots of little things that we can do during the day. It doesn’t have to be like a whole weekend away. But taking the time to really make that a priority makes a huge difference in our lives. Mikki: I love that so much. And I know you’re in Canada and I’m in the US, but I’m sure that you see the same thing. It’s like the hot mess mom culture. If we’re not a complete disaster and doing all the things and it’s like all the parts, the good, the bad, and the ugly, then we’re not really doing what we should do. And so I love that you’re sort of stepping out of that and saying, “No, we have to fill ourselves first so that we can show up and it’s not a badge of honor.” Crystal: And do less. Mikki: Exactly. Crystal: Put those things back down. I talk about them being like plates and I’m like, put those plates back on the shelf and pick just the one plate that you need to work on right now. So, yeah, my kids aren’t in loads of activities, and we don’t drive around all of the time. I mean, we still do. I still feel like we’re driving around a lot. But there are so many things that we say no to so that I can have my evenings with my kids, so that I can have my weekends with my kids, so that we just live a more simple life and have it more focused on our relationships with each other than on stuff and on rushing around to things. Mikki: Yeah, oh, I love that. What an example. And I love your Instagram, because getting to watch you travel and experience all the fun things, it’s awesome. Crystal: Yeah, it’s really fun. Mikki: Well, I have appreciated this so much. I want to wrap this up. It is the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast, so I would be remiss if I didn’t ask you what your definition of confidence is and how you define it and what it looks like in life for you. Crystal: I think my definition of confidence would be belief in ourselves. So because it’s not something somebody can just come in and take away. It’s not like, “Oh, I’m good at this. I’ve learned how to parent really well, so now I’m good at this.” But it’s like believing in ourselves. And I think that that belief in ourselves has to come first. So, we first need to choose to believe in us, even if we feel like there’s no reason that we shouldn’t. We need to take the time to believe in ourselves. And I think it’s really tapping into that inner knowing. So, when we tap into that that looks to me like taking the time to take a few deep breaths and to just kind of let out all of that darkness that’s like, “You’re not doing a good enough job and you’re ruining your kids, and this is going to affect them forever and you shouldn’t be getting divorced…” or whatever all those thoughts are. And just sitting with them for a minute, and then opening up that little space in your soul that feels light and feels airy and feels peaceful and calm and content and listening to what it’s saying. Because usually, it’s saying things like, “You are doing a good job. You’re going to be okay. You do have this.” Yeah, it’s hard, but you’re going to get through. And the more that we can take time to listen to that little inner voice that we have, that’s confidence. That’s our belief in us. We already believe in ourselves. We just forget sometimes. Mikki: I love that. That was a beautiful definition of confidence and one that I’m going to take with me. So, I just wanted to say thank you so much for this and for this chat. It was just so enlightening and calming, honestly. I just feel very peaceful and light just listening to you. And so, thank you so much. Thank you for all the value that you’re putting out and being just such a beautiful reflection of possibility and love for children and moms everywhere. So, how can people find you? Crystal: Yeah, so I’m @the.parenting.coach on Instagram. I love connecting with people over there. I love doing IG lives and answering people’s questions and also I have a podcast. You can check it out at The Freedom Moms Podcast. You can listen to it all the places. And I am taking some one-on-one clients right now. I kind of on and off take those, so I guess it depends when you’re listening to this, but usually I do. And I do work with couples or with moms. And then I also have a monthly program for moms that I love. It’s super fun. So, check that out also. Mikki: Awesome. Well, I love everything you do and I’m just so grateful and I will put all of that in the show notes so they can find you. And thank you so much. I really appreciate it, Crystal. Crystal: Thanks. -- Wow, I loved that conversation. It was so enriching and positive and hopeful. I hope that you found it as valuable as I did. So, there are some takeaways from our conversation that I wanted to share. Number one, we all mess up. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Messing up is a gift to learn and to grow. And when we can model this for our kids, when we can model being resilient, it gives our kids a path to follow. The second thing is, emotions are like tunnels. When we don’t allow ourselves to process an emotion fully, we get stuck in the tunnel; sometimes so stuck that we can’t see anything ahead of us and we can’t see anything behind it. But when we’re in that stuck place, it affects everything. So, instead, we want to become aware of the emotions, aware of the thoughts that we’re thinking so that we can name them, allow them, and release them. And when we have these feelings that we can name, allow, and release, that is how we become unstuck. Crystal also taught us that breath is so powerful. Allowing us that space to breathe and to pause, and then being willing to fill ourselves up, not everybody else first, but fill us up. And even if it’s one tiny step, take one tiny step today to fill yourself up because it will make a huge difference. We want to learn to do less so that we can experience more. And the last takeaway is that children are inherently good. They are. And when we believe this, we are naturally more compassionate towards them and we’re more cooperative, willing to find solutions in a creative, curious way. So, those are some of the takeaways that I found from this conversation, and I’d love to hear what you took away. Thank you so much to Crystal for being here, sharing her guidance, and all of her positivity with us. So until next time, take care of yourself, and I’ll see you next week. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit CoParentingwithConfidence.com. I’ll see you next week.