Ep #65: Creating Clarity for 2023

Welcome to the Co-parenting with Confidence podcast. I'm your host, Mikki Gardner, and this is episode number 65, Creating Clarity for 2023. [music] Welcome to Co-parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name is Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Welcome back, friend. I'm so excited that you're here with me and it's a new year. I have really enjoyed the last couple of weeks just taking some time away, slowing down, spending time with family and friends, really just filling my soul back up a little bit. You know, sometimes, especially with the busyness of the holidays and preparing for them and all of the things that are going on, this is really a time of year that I just love to slow down and sort of reassess with what's going on in my life, in my business, with my family, and I've really been enjoying that over the last couple weeks. In the last episode, we did an intention setting, which I have done every year for the last few years and I find so valuable to really reassess, take stock of what's working, what isn't working, and what I want to focus on. And today is a little bit of a next step in that journey. So if you haven't done the intention setting, I would encourage you to go ahead and do that. I know a lot of people have a lot of podcasts about it, so there's other great resources, but I would spend some time to really take stock of 2022 before we move into this new year. So today what we're going to focus on is creating clarity. And what do I mean by that? It's getting really clear on what's working for you as a co-parent, and what isn't working for you, what you want to focus on, and what you want to let go of maybe in your co-parenting relationship with the other co-parent. But whatever you decide you want clarity on, I want us to start from one place. And this is what I believe about each and every one of us as humans. The clarity that you're craving, the relationship that you're craving, sort of how you want to show up as a mom, as a co-parent, how you want to navigate this journey, I know for sure that each of us has exactly what we need already within us. Everything you want is already within you. And so what we are going to do today is not talk about all the ways that we can change, but it's really looking at all the ways that we already are what we need and finding clarity with what is already available. It's like peeling the layers off so that we can see a little bit more clearly. So as we work through this today, I just want to preface this with this is not a total overhaul. This isn't everything is broken, so where do I go and I have to change every single thing, or maybe you're feeling so mired down and suffocating and stuck in the relationship that you have. I want you just to hold on to the idea, right, that maybe you already have everything you need. And we're just going to help you uncover it so that you can keep pulling apart the layers and letting go of all of those old beliefs, maybe the toxic patterns that you're stuck in, any parts of the toxic relationship that you have participation in. Those are all of the ways that you can start to shift things, peel back all of those layers, all of that junk that's sort of clouding your vision so that you can find more and more clarity. So where do we feel unclear when we're co-parenting? Well, often it's when we are focused on all the things that are wrong. So many of my clients, and I know in my own experience, I found that there are days when you can get so mired down and everything seems wrong. Maybe there's a conflict going on, maybe there's an argument, maybe things definitely aren't the way that you want. And when we're focused on what is wrong, our brain isn't focused on what is right or what we can do to change. Other places we get unclear is when we get sidelined by other people's bad behavior. And when I say other people's, I mean your co-parenting partner. Right? When they say hurtful things or they act badly and you get so sidelined by it that you're not moving any longer in the direction you want to, but you're just being pulled back towards them. That's when we get really stuck and unclear. Another time in co-parenting that we get really unclear is when we get stuck in a loop of second-guessing and doubting yourself. Right? Why would you do this? Well, it's often because of the words or the opinions of the drama of maybe your co-parenting partner. Maybe there's a new person or spouse in the situation that has sort of upset the waters. Whatever it is that you find where you start second-guessing yourself, you start doubting who you are. This is where we get really, really unclear. And so many of the moms that I work with get used to feeling that way. They get used to the drama. They get used to feeling bad all of the time. And when we do that, we try to negotiate our way out of it. But unfortunately it just becomes familiar. And the problem with that is that the brain defaults to what's familiar. The brain is a pretty simple... I know I've talked about this before, but it's a very simple computer basically, and its sole job is to keep you alive. It's not overly sophisticated. Its job isn't for you to evolve to your highest good. No, its job is to just keep you alive. And so it will always err towards what is familiar simply because it takes that as safe. It sort of equates familiar with safety, even when that familiar is really unhealthy. It's a survival mechanism in our brain that when we don't know how to manage it so that we're actually using it for our higher good, not just defaulting to what's familiar, right? It can get us really off track because if arguing and fighting and blaming and name calling is the reality that you're in right now in your co-parenting relationship, you've likely built ways to tolerate it. You've figured out ways consciously or unconsciously to be able to tolerate feeling that way. But ultimately it doesn't feel good. And just because you've learned to tolerate it doesn't mean it's right. And also doesn't mean that it's the only way forward. You know, we have to really start to always think about how does something make us feel? Because like I've said before on this podcast, every single thing we do is how we think it is going to make us feel or not feel right. All of our experiences, right? The way that we experience this life is based on how we're feeling because our feelings drive our actions and our actions then create our results that we have in life. So it's so important for us to be in tune with what we are feeling. So if you're feeling stuck, if you're feeling unclear, if you're feeling mired down, the first step is to ask yourself, how does this make me feel? If it makes you feel like crap, right? Or if you have to numb out to escape it, or if you find yourself making excuses to justify it, or you find yourself stuck in that negative pattern of second-guessing yourself and doubting you because of what's going on, how does that make you feel? Because what we want to understand is how we're feeling dictates what we do next, creates the actions that we do or don't do in our lives. And the beautiful thing is, is that all clarity comes through action, right? We cannot think our way to a new life without thinking our way to a different relationship. We cannot think our way to co-parenting better, to being a more calm, confident co-parent. No, we have to take action. And when we take action, we learn from it, right? So the clarity is always going to come through taking action. One of the things that I wanted to offer you today as we're sort of setting up and creating clarity for the next year in your co-parenting journey isn't as much what isn't working today, right? We do want to be aware of those things. But what we want to really look at is what are we saying yes to? Because what we want to do is say yes more, but yes in a whole, full-hearted way. And that starts with little yeses, the little micro-yeses that we do along the way. Because when we're stuck and when we're not sure where to go and we don't understand what to do next in our co-parenting journey, we can just feel like it's hopeless. We can feel like we can't do anything to change or regardless of what we do, the other person, the other co-parent is still going to act the same way. Well, some of those things might be true. But as long as we continue to stay in that spiral of thinking that way, we're not going to change anything. We're not going to change anything. So what we want to do is start to find little ways that we can say yes. What can you say yes to so that you can get yourself in motion, because we want to get in motion because that's when we find clarity. So if you're sort of sitting there thinking to yourself, you know what, everything feels wrong. My co-parenting partner is just completely unreasonable. They never help me out. They never are willing to cooperate. Okay. So instead of focusing on all the things that they're doing wrong, right, or that they're not contributing to, what we want to do is what can I say yes to? And so to do that, we have to start to find little ways that we can move forward. So you have to start by asking yourself, what isn't working in the co-parenting relationship? And then ask yourself, what would be different if we didn't have these problems? What would be easier? And list all the ways that it would be easier. But then you want to ask yourself, if you're being completely honest, how are you contributing to the problems, either directly or indirectly? And then ask yourself, what would I have to let go of or set down to not be contributing to these problems? And am I willing to do that? See, the thing that these questions start to do is open up a little bit of clarity. So first we do have to think about sort of what is it that we want or, and that sometimes starts with what you don't want. And then when you know a little bit of a direction that you want to go, well, then you start to find ways that you can say yes. What am I saying yes to? And so it might be as simple as asking yourself and deciding, what can I do? What is something, someone, or somewhere I can go, do, or talk to right now to move forward? Now your brain is probably going to tell you, there's no one, there's no help, but that's simply not true. And so there's always something that you can do, someone that is available, something that you could read. Again, it's sort of what can I say yes to? Because when we're stuck in the nos, when we're stuck in what won't work, we just stay there. And it's just a spiral that we get stuck in. So we would just want to find one tiny way for you to say yes. So then once you've decided what is that one thing that I can say yes to, you take that action. And this isn't something huge that has to wait until X, Y, or Z happens or has to wait until your other co-parenting partner is feeling better or more reasonable. No, what is an aligned action that I can take today to move me in the direction I want to go? This might be something bold, right? Setting a boundary. We're going to talk about that in the next episode. This might be something smaller. I need to understand things a little bit more. Maybe there's a book I could read. Maybe I need to surround myself because I'm not feeling connected, right? And maybe I need to reach out to a friend. Whatever it is for you, what is one thing that you can do right now with what you have available to say yes to you? To say yes to the direction that you want to be moving and you get going, right? Because again, clarity comes through action. When we are moving, we are learning. And it's not always that we learn because we made the quote unquote right choice. No, sometimes we make a decision. We're like, "wow, that didn't work." Okay, but we still learned something, right? So even if you said something to your co-parenting partner, did something, and there was a response that was negative back, doesn't mean anything's gone wrong. It just means that you adjust course, right? Okay, I have more information. I'm going to get more and more clear on what is going to help me go in the direction that I want to move. It's really about just picking something that you want to change. If there is something in your co-parenting relationship right now, maybe there's too much fighting, maybe there's too much blaming, maybe there's not enough communication, then what can you say yes to today to help you feel better and move you in the direction you want to go? And I keep coming back to that feel better because we are actually supposed to feel good. When we don't, when we are anxious, when we are nervous, when we are depressed, when we are really angry, any of these things are actually built into us to be kind of an alert system to say something is misaligned, something is out of alignment. This needs attention, right? Those emotions are just your body's way of helping you get back on track. So when you figure out, "okay, I don't want to be feeling this way anymore. I don't like feeling this. Well, what can I learn from it? What is one thing that I can say yes to, to move me in the direction that I want to go?" And part of that is just the awareness, doing the work on yourself to become more and more aware of when you feel out of alignment and why. Because the more you have awareness, the next step to that is the agency that you have, the choices available to you, the aligned action that you can take only comes through when you are aware, when you become more and more clear. You know, lasting change or a good, healthy co-parenting relationship or you co-parenting really, really well might not come like a lightning bolt that just all of a sudden arrives in your lap. No, it's about creating clarity and consistent action over time to get you where you want to go. Really co-parenting, like any other relationship is long-term focused, right? We're in it for the long game. And so I think a lot of times we have this understanding of realizing that, you know, with kids their whole life, right? It's not, they don't just get to one stage and the next stage and then they're done, right? No, it's constantly changing and one step forward and two steps back. And that's all part of the process. But sometimes we don't allow ourselves the same grace in co-parenting. We think that we should just know how to do it, or we feel like we know how to do it, but the other co-parent doesn't know how to do it, right? So it's really about just becoming more and more clear on what feels good and aligned to you. Because when you feel good and you are aligned with what matters to you, and you are showing up in an honest way, that is the best that you can do. And when you are doing that, I guarantee you that you are showing up in a way that is benefiting you and other people, even when those other people don't necessarily agree with you, aka the other co-parenting partner, and oftentimes our kids. So really we have to remember that when we want clarity, we have to be willing to peel back the layers, right? So that we can sort of pull back all of the things that cloud our vision so that we can stay very, very focused. And to help you with this process, I created a little worksheet that you can download from the show notes to really help you decide what is it in my co-parenting relationship, what is it in my co-parenting journey right now that isn't working? Where do I need to focus and where do I need to become more clear and more concise and more aligned for the new year? And it's not even the new year, it's just this next step in your co-parenting journey. So I want you to go ahead and download that because I know that it will help you get some clarity on how to move forward. So just to recap what we've talked about here is really clarity comes through action. So we have to decide and understand where do we feel unclear, where do we feel stuck, where do we feel mired down, what feels confusing, what do we just don't like the way that we're feeling? Let's look at each of those areas one at a time and decide what can I say yes to move towards clarity, to move towards feeling better, to move towards showing up as the co-parent that I want to be no matter what is going on with the other co-parent. I mean this is the thing that I see with so many of my clients and over and over you know we get one or two months into our work together and they say, "why did I not do this a year ago?" Because once you start to be able to become aware of what's actually going on and start peeling back those layers and accessing all of the things that you have available right now that you start moving forward in such a rapid pace right you start changing so much that regardless of what the other person does you are just moving in the direction that you want to go and that feels good for you and that's what I want for you. I want you to take some time after listening to this episode and really decide what is one area that I want to become more clear, that I want to become more aligned and where I really want to say yes wholeheartedly fully and focus on because where you put your focus your energy goes. So we don't want to put our focus on what isn't working because all of our energy will go to that. No we need to shift into what do I want to focus on? Where do I want my energy to go and stay committed in that direction and that's what I hope this episode will help you do is find that clarity that you need, access what you already have available to you by saying yes right deciding what is one thing I can do today that is available to me right now without a single thing changing that I can do to move forward and then I want you to take that aligned action and then the next one after that and the next one after that because each step forward is momentum and we learn when we are moving and the only way to get unstuck and out of the situation you may not like right now is to get moving, moving towards clarity. That's the show for today and if you know someone who could benefit from this conversation please share it with them. Just take a screenshot of this on your phone and text it to them or share it on social media and if you do post it on Instagram please tag me there because I'd love to connect with you. Thank you for spending this time with me. I will see you next week and in the meantime take really really good care of you, friend. Thanks for listening to Co-parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast visit Coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]