Ep #124: Connected Parenting with Diane Sorensen

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Mikki: Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother. And I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, we'll get ready. And let's dive into today's episode.

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Mikki: Welcome back to the podcast. Today I have a great conversation with a friend of mine and connected relationship and parenting coach Diane Sorensen. I think if there's one thing that most of us share in parenting is we just want to feel good about it. We wanna feel like we're doing a good job. We wanna feel good with our kids, and we want them to know that we love them. But so often the traditional parenting paradigm and the different dynamics that we have make that really challenging. So today, this conversation is simply an invitation to explore and create new ways of being in relationship with ourselves as the parent and our children. This conversation hopefully will offer you some different perspectives and approach so that you can feel more connected, so that you can manage your own emotions and be a healthy role model for your children's emotions, and let parenting just feel more natural and better for you.

Mikki: Diane is a coach, but also she's the host of the Beautiful Behavior Podcast and community. She has a background in early childhood education for more than 30 years, and she also has learned to implement all of this work from her education, her expertise, and in her own parenting. In her time as a teacher, Diane implemented relationship-based practices in her classroom. Other teachers, administration and parents started to take notice and could see, hear, and most importantly feel the difference in her classroom. Diane then took on the role of behavioral specialists, teaching other education staff the practices before turning it into a full-time coaching career. Diane is currently a certified life coach and hypnotherapy practitioner, supporting women to feel more calm, connected, and confident in their relationships and parenting. Diane's first love of her children and her own parenting experiences drives her passion to support other parents. I hope that you enjoy this conversation and it sparks some curiosity on how you can create more connection in your parenting.

Mikki: Diane, thank you for coming. I am so excited for my audience to get to meet you today.

Diane: Thank you, Mikki. Thank you for having me here. This is exciting.

Mikki: Yeah. So I told everybody a little bit about you in the beginning, but I would love to hear from you sort of who are you, why are you here talking to us today, and maybe just some fun facts.

Diane: Yeah. So I am a, first and foremost, I'm a parenting coach. I'm also have had a fluctuation of people coming to me just for relationship coaching, actually. And parenting is a relationship, so it all goes together, all connects. And my background is in early childhood education and behavioral science. So I spent 30 years in the early education field, and first as a teacher and then as a behavior specialist, until turning my full attention to now coaching. And I got in this space really out of my own experiences, my experience parenting my own children, and as a child being parented by my parents. So basically, in both situations, I really felt quite powerless. I don't know that I would have used that word back then, but it really was about powerlessness. So I guess I could call myself a pattern disruptor, and I'm here to disrupt some of the unconscious habitual patterns that are not healthy in our relationships with our children or with others. And on a personal note, I kinda always forget about the personal stuff. Personal note, I am a wife, I am a mother of three grown children. I am a stepmother of three grown children. I am a grandmother of 10 children, ranging from the ages of one to 18.

Mikki: Wow.

Diane: So that's a little bit about me.

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Mikki: Yeah. I love it. I love it. And I love that you have the life experience here, right? On all of the parts, the mothering, the grandmothering, the step mothering, like all the parts. And so I'm really excited for you to be here and to share with my audience. And so, you know, I would love to talk to you because I love the angle that you bring to things about really the connection and the connectivity of parenting. And the reason I thought that would be relevant to my audience, right, is because when we are separated or divorced, or we're moving through sort of this new chapter in our lives, one of the things that we all have in common is this feeling very disconnected. Many divorced parents are sharing time. So you now are a mom without your children half the week or a couple days, right? Or a week at a time. Or maybe you have full custody and no help anymore. Right? And yes, you have your kids all the time, but you're feeling really disconnected. Right? So I think that this idea of connection comes up so much. I know with my audience, with the conversations that I have with my own clients. And so I would love to hear you talk about sort of what is connection and why do we need to be talking about it, as it relates to our children?

Diane: Yeah. So my approach to parenting now is by using a connected model of parenting. And that is really my signature program. And it's really a no drama approach to parenting. So it's really an invitation to explore and discover new ways of interacting in our parenting and really in our life. So you were just explaining all of these different family dynamics, we all have all these varying dynamics. We might be raising our child without the help of a partner. We might be splitting that 50/50, whatever that is. And so I think it's really important that we recognize the traditional model that we've, in general, that we have all been exposed to, to some degree or another, really focuses on control and compliance. I was gonna say something else, but I just lost my train of thought there for a moment.

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Diane: In the traditional model, there's one way, right? There's the right way, it is a one fits all. Here's how you do this thing. And you know, we're always searching for that one right strategy that's gonna, you know, make everything okay. And connected parenting is all about, there's a framework to guide you, but it's all about, there are many ways because we all are individual human beings with individual experiences that do impact us in how we parent, in our children. Our children are all individual people. So even if something is effective with one child, we may be experiencing that this isn't really effective with this one. And a lot of times we go, what am I doing wrong with this one? And I wanna assure you that you're not doing anything wrong. This is just a different human being. And so really it's all about rather than focusing on are they doing all the things I want them to do, focusing on how do I nurture this relationship in this situation? How do we collaborate, how do I get my needs met and also consider the ideas and needs and wants of my child as well.

Mikki: That's not the approach that many of us take. Right. When we're busy parents trying to do all the things, understanding our own needs is one thing. Right. We often don't even understand that. But to understand the child's needs other than they're just messing with my time here. Right. Oftentimes it can be very, very difficult. So you talked about stepping away from control and compliance. Right. And really wanting to connect. So let's paint the picture. Why would you wanna do that? Because it sounds like a lot of work.

Diane: Why is that important? Right. Sometimes it's just so much easier to send them to the rooms or whatever that is. And why this is important really is about mental health. Because in the long run it does impact how we see ourself, how we see the world, how we handle stress, and how we are able to manage our own self. And so the real why in this is oftentimes when we are gaining compliance because this is the way we think it should be. And to be a good parent my child needs to be this certain way. We employ things that don't feel good because in the traditional model, it kind of tells us that our job is to control our children. Even if we don't say it in those exact words, your job as a parent is to control your children.

Diane: There is so many messages that tell us that my job is to control my child. And so we're being set up right there to be unsuccessful. Because the truth is we do not control another human being. It's easy for us to think we can control our children because as children, they don't have as much power as we do. And so we end up coercing them. We end up manipulating them. But at some point they have to give up their will to us. And that doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good to us. It doesn't feel good to them, but we don't know another way. And so this is another way.

Mikki: So can you give us some examples of what this might look like? 'cause I think that would help paint the picture of what this other way looks like.

Diane: Yeah. So one of the questions a lot of times that comes up is, how do I handle my child's big emotions? And so this is really where the missing pieces, I believe is this piece on our children need emotional support. Now how many of us [chuckle] had emotional support growing up? And you maybe don't even think about that. But I would say, in general speaking because of the traditional model, emotions really didn't come into the mix. And that's not because it's bad or it just was at a time when that wasn't where we were. But I really believe and have experienced that in our modern world, as our world changes, we need to evolve also emotionally.

Diane: So our children need our emotional support, even if we didn't have that. And that is one of the things that we need to learn in that I also learned as an adult, how to connect with my emotions, how to work with them. And I don't even like to use the words regulate or manage anymore because it's so synonymous. I think with, 'cause we're looking through that lens of suppression. Right. A lot of times emotions were seen as disrespectful, or you're a baby or you're weak. Right. Don't be emotional. So we've really come to a time when this is super important for emotional wellbeing. Did I answer your question? I almost forgotten now what the question even was.

Mikki: No, I was just asking for more of a tangible example.

Diane: Oh, that's right. Okay. So big emotions. That's right. Then I kind of went off.

Mikki: No, it, and it was necessary.

Diane: So my child is having a meltdown because they want a snack and it's almost dinner time. They want the cookie and dinner time is coming up. And that's not okay with me. And so now they're having a tantrum. So one of the things I do say is, how do we handle our children's big emotions is allowing them to feel them, but also establishing safety around that. So if our child is throwing things, of course, we're not gonna let them throw things because that is not safe. We're not gonna let them hit us. We're not gonna let them hit somebody else. So we're gonna establish that safety and then we're going to allow them to feel their feelings. So we might validate that you feel, we put a name on it. So that's helpful. You feel frustrated because you wanted the cookie and you were really hoping that you could have a cookie now and you can have a cookie and then you decide what is okay with you.

Diane: Maybe it's okay to have the cookie with the meal, or maybe not. Maybe it's, you can have the cookie right after we're done eating dinner tonight. Or you can have it right before bedtime, before you go to bed or whatever the two choices are. And it's not that the child's gonna go, oh, super I'll have it right after I eat. They may still meltdown. And then at that point, we allow them to have those feelings and to feel those and to have that experience. 'Cause really what's happening is they're having any emotional experience. And for them to learn how to regulate or manage those, they really need to first know how to feel them. And what we can do in that time, 'cause we're gonna be super uncomfortable, probably, is turn our attention to what is coming up for me and breathing into that, maybe I'm feeling anxious.

Diane: So you are going to be doing the very same thing right alongside your child of feeling those emotions and being able to work through them. Now you might get to that point at first, you might not be able to do that. At first., it might be, this might be so dysregulating to you, it's just like, oh, my God, maybe you need to walk away for a moment as long as your child is safe where they're at. So, like I said, there's not one right way. Whatever it is that you need to do to be able to address your upset. Because we can't really address the behavior until we've addressed the internal state of ourself and then our child. And then we can kind of collaborate on what might be a useful solution. Does that make sense?

Mikki: Yeah, absolutely. And I think this idea can be applied right to every situation. And one thing I'm thinking of that happens often, a lot of big feelings that I know a lot of the people in my audience experience is all around transitions. Kids don't like change, just inherently. Right. People don't like change.

Diane: I was like, I'm raising, raising my hand.

Mikki: I know, I am too.

Diane: Transitions are difficult for me.

Mikki: Yeah. And we say, oh, it's difficult for kids. Well, it's difficult for human, right. We don't do well with change, typically. And you know, for children, we're asking them to change all the time. Especially when they have to change houses, when they have to go back and forth. So they have all of these things they have to deal with, but their emotions and their big emotions around it become so uncomfortable. And I know so many of the parents that I talk to don't know how to handle the transition, the feelings that their kids are having, whether they're not wanting to come back to their house, whether they're not wanting to go to the other co-parent house. Right. Or a lot of times the kid comes home and they're a disaster, they're emotional, they're all over the place, and then all of a sudden we have a huge story around it.

Mikki: Right. It's like all of the things come into play and now not only is the child a mess, emotionally, we are a mess emotionally. And so I like what you're talking about, and I wanna sort of explore this a little bit more. And I think this is a really good space to talk about it in this idea of connected parenting, of really connecting to the emotion and being present with what is there for our child. But to be that role model for your child of being able to feel, allow, and move through emotions, we have to be able to feel, allow, and move through the emotions. And so, yeah. So I love your approach because it really highlights that we are the model for our children of what this looks like. And so often it's like the last thing that we think about, especially in the emotions of divorce.

Diane: Right. And I wanna point out too that oftentimes we think we should already know this.

Mikki: I know. Yeah. Great point.

Diane: Like well, my child's not regulating their emotions, so you're right. This means something about me, and when we really recognize that, oh, maybe I am not regulating my emotions. So for me, I was a yeller.

Mikki: Me too. Truly, I am sometimes.

Diane: So I was not regulating my emotions. And when I first came upon doing things in a different way here, and started learning, my first learning of this was with conscious discipline. And I was trained in conscious discipline, but it talked about caring for our emotions and how do you handle your emotions? Like how do you care for them? And I started thinking, huh, as a teacher, we do a lot of talking about emotions. We do a lot of reading books, pointing emotions out. But I realized the one piece that was missing was, we don't feel them. We say things like, well, it's okay to be mad, but... Right? And then what is after the but?

Mikki: Yeah.

Diane: You can be mad, but you can't hit, okay? So what can I do with that? And we're like, Ooh, I don't know. You know?

Mikki: I don't know. Yeah.

Diane: So we're all learning this. We're all learning this. So I really want people to know that, this isn't something you should already know. Just throw the shit away and just look at your truth, because that is beautiful. A question kind of a tool for people to use to recognize what the story is they're putting around something is, what am I making this mean about me? My child's coming home from the ex's house, and they're throwing a fit. What am I making that mean about me? And they're recognizing all those things that come up, though they don't love me, they like the other one better, they... Whatever it is. And just recognizing that is really helpful, because it's those beliefs that are really creating the emotion. Our thoughts and beliefs drive our emotions. And if we can connect with our emotions, then we can respond, rather than react in hurtful ways.

Mikki: Yeah. Yeah. So, and I wanna throw one other one in the mix. 'cause there's one other example. And I feel like with them, we can talk about the overarching sort of how we do this connected thing. But another one that I hear all the time is, and this really starts to reflect on our parenting, right? Is when the kids don't act out at the other parent's house, but at our house, they're like acting out and doing stuff, right? And we say to the other co-parent, well, does little Johnny do this at your house? No, these things never happened at my house. They're only happening at your house, which may or may not be true. Like, we gotta sort of start there, based on the relationship and what's going on. And it may be true, right? But oftentimes, and this is something that's not necessarily a reflection of you being a bad parent. It might be that little Johnny feels more comfortable being at your house... Being sort of freer with his emotion. It could be that you allow those things a little bit more. And that's actually a good thing because that's the way you are wanting to go about it. And I'd love for you to talk about sort of what that looks like and what the focus should be.

Diane: Yeah. So it's happening at your house, and you ask the other parent, and it's not happening there. And then again, you can ask yourself, what am I making this mean about me? And notice all of the things that come up and ask it, be curious. Just inquire about it. Is this true? Or turn it around and do the opposite. Is it just as true that whatever, if I'm making it mean, oh, they're a better parent because they don't act out there. Is that true? Could it be just as true that you are just as good of a parent, even though they're expressing their behavior? And I like what you pointed out, is that it could be that they're more free to express themselves with one parent than another. And that's just their perspective. And we can use behavior as information, right? We don't have to judge behavior as it's good or it's bad, or it's right, or it's wrong. It's either probably comfortable for you or uncomfortable.

Mikki: Yes.

Diane: And it's an expression of really what's happening inside. And so you can get curious again and kind of wonder about that, and ask some questions, ask your child some questions. So, I don't know, behavior might be they're refusing, I don't know, to go to bed but they're not refusing to go to bed at the other person's house. So inquiring can give you a lot of information rather than making it all up in your head.

Mikki: Yeah.

Diane: Can you tell me...

Mikki: And I love that distinction you just put there, right? Because I think with parenting, we do get in our heads, right? We get so lost in the good and the bad and the right and the wrong, and what are people gonna think and what's the other parent gonna think and all of the thing. And what are they gonna turn out to be when they're 35? Are they still not gonna go to bed? Like all the things that we do. So I love that you sort of, it's, to me, when you're talking, it's like opening up space to just inquire, to get curious, and then to really connect and ask questions. Because if you're not willing to do those things, then the only other option we have is relying on that control and compliance. And that's that really top down method of it's my way or the highway, kind of iron fist sort of approach, versus collaboration and connection and figuring out what's working, what isn't working, what's comfortable, what isn't comfortable. I love that.

Diane: Right. Because what creates that connection actually is moving through conflict and upset. It creates beautiful moments on the other side. But typically, what we do, because it's just wired in, is to avoid conflict and upset. And what happens when we avoid it is it creates more disconnection, and it creates more conflict and upset in drama. And here's a tool I'll offer, and I just love is noticing. So noticing is seeing something without the need to judge it or change it in that moment. So it's just seeing it, or what it is. This is what's happening. And now if we do that, we can create just a small opening to be then become curious.

Mikki: So I can hear the mom or the dad listening to this who's like, but you just didn't notice. And is it gonna create havoc? Like everything's gonna fit into chaos. What do you say?

Diane: Yeah. So I say, you're not gonna just sit back and notice, you're going to do what you need to do in the moment. Whether that's two kids fighting, and in the moment, your job is to establish safety. Right? So it might be flying two kids apart, and it might be to establish safety. Let's take some time, let's go to separate rooms. You're not in trouble. Just let's take some time to be safe and then we'll come back and figure out how to resolve this. So, but you're going to noticing rather than making up a story in your head, or maybe it's even noticing that I'm making a story up in my head.

Mikki: Yeah.

Diane: So as soon as we notice these things, what it is is, it is broadening our awareness. Instead of going, and I've heard you say this before, Mikki, going to a different time zone. We're either in the past going, oh my God, not this reminds us about something in the past, or we're worried about the future. Oh my gosh, if they do this, they're going to do this forever, and they're gonna think they go out in the world and whatever story we're making up. So noticing those things brings you back to the now, to this time zone right here in what's happening. Does that make sense?

Mikki: Totally. Totally. Yeah, and I love that. I wanted to make that distinction 'cause I think a lot of times, when people hear whether it's conscious parenting, there's gentle parenting, there's connected, like there's different approaches, right? But I think it's important to, it's really easy to say, well, okay, if I don't do it this way, it's just gonna be chaos. But really what you are talking about is creating connection, always having safety and sort of being the sturdy parent first, and then connecting, second. We're not connection at all costs, right?

Diane: Right. No.

Mikki: We are in place of parenting, it's like not an in place of discipline or anything else. It's actually a way to connect, to sort of move through the parenting process.

Diane: Right, so the connection piece is actually the long-term result. It's not the in the moment. We're not gonna pick further in this moment because that might not be safe. So yeah, this is not a laissez faire approach. And I think so much we go to, we gotta control them, and then it's really scary to think, oh my God, if I'm not controlling them, that means they're doing whatever they want. And that's the other end of the spectrum. That's abstinence [0:28:40.4] ____. But what we're talking about, and what we're coming to is that we're nurturing a relationship, and that is not at all costs. We're nurturing a relationship that teaches firm boundaries, as well as cultivates compassion and respect. So you actually get the best of both, but it takes practice, and it takes work and it...

Mikki: And it takes time.

Diane: It takes time. Yeah. When you have these moments of connection, you will feel it on the inside. And every time it's like, okay, I'll keep going. It's worth it.

Mikki: Yeah, absolutely. I couldn't agree more. And one other thing that keeps coming in my mind, I always try to listen for like, well, what's the audience gonna be listening for here? Or what is the questions that they're gonna have? And one question that I see a lot of, I know my clients as we sort of work through a similar approach is, what happens when the other parent isn't engaging in this way? It's like, can we still do this? Should we still do this? Do we have to get them on board because we can't get them on board with anything? So like those kind of questions. I know for a lot of co-parents, it feels like, well, if we're not on the same page, it's not gonna work.

Diane: Right. I'm so glad you asked that because that is one of the biggest questions I also get. How do I get my partner on board? Or how's this gonna work if they're not on the same page? And what I say is, you know what, that is a myth. The whole same page thing is a myth. We are not always gonna be on the same page, because we are two individual human beings with two individual experiences, and sometimes they're very different experiences. And that does impact how you show up in relationships, just like the myth of I need to control my child. We really don't have control over another human being, only yourself. This also applies to relationships.

Diane: Your child is going to have a relationship with you. They're gonna have a relationship with your partner or their other parent, and they're gonna have all kinds of relationships outside of your home. The only relationship that you have control in is the relationship that you have with your child. Rather than asking what about them and how they get, I get them on board and get them to do this, ask what is important for me in my relationship with this child? And you go from there. So if it's important to you to nurture this connection with your child, then you keep going.

Mikki: I just felt myself softened as you said that. We get so focused on the other parent or what isn't working or all the things that are sort of wrong with our child or the situation. But when we can really just focus on what you just said, just really focus there. It helps us show up completely differently, and that is where your control lies. The control that you want is within yourself, and how you are nurturing the relationship with your child.

Diane: Yes. Yes, beautifully said.

Mikki: Yeah. And I think too, just another sort of like to put a pin in it, this is for the long game.

Diane: Yes, yes.

Mikki: And parenting is exhausting. No other job do you have 24/7, 365 days a year without any time off. And even if you don't have your kid for a period of time, you're still a mom, and you're still navigating that. And I think it's even more important to ask these questions of really, when you are engaging in parenting, how do you wanna show up? Because that is what we can really focus on. And we're in seasons and we get so frustrated or scared, or worried in the season. And really, I think what you're talking about is being able to sort of pull the lens back and look at it in the long game.

Diane: Yes.

Mikki: And it offers us some grace and compassion for the short term.

Diane: Yeah. Yeah. And I read this online the other day and I thought, oh, that is so true, that there's a myth out there about as children get older, it gets easier. And that is not really true, it shifts. So when they're younger, it is more physically exhausting. And as they get older, it's really more emotionally uncomfortable. And so that is why it's so important for us to upgrade our skills, so that we can support these children emotionally, and support their mental health and wellbeing in the long game.

Mikki: Yeah, I'm really grateful that you said that because that is why we do this. And I love that you said to upgrade your skills. And again, especially when we have kids that are in two different houses, especially if there's conflict, if they are going through all of those things, it is a lot on them. There's a lot of turmoil and trauma and things for them to process. And I am a firm believer that children need one sturdy, grounded, loving parent. If they get two, that is a bonus, but many kids aren't even getting one. And a lot of times, even in a two-parent household, if they get one, they're lucky. So I just remind moms and dads, you can be that one parent for them, and that's your job. And I love Diane, your approach, and how you are offering to help people be that for their children, so thank you. So as much as I'd love to talk all day, I have to be respectful of everyone's time. Tell everybody where they can find you and how to work with you.

Diane: Yeah. So thank you Mikki, first of all for having me here today. This was a beautiful conversation, so thank you.

Mikki: Yeah, thanks.

Diane: So people can find me. I also have a podcast called Beautiful Behavior, so folks can find me there. Also on Instagram, I'm at Instagram on dianesorensen.bb for Beautiful Behavior. And if you're not on Instagram, I am over on Facebook, and I'm actually right now starting, I used to do Lunch and Learns every month, and started a community doing that, and now I'm moving all of that over to a Facebook group where I'm going to be doing monthly trainings, but also it will allow us to interact in-between that time. And it's all free, so it's just getting going. So that's on Facebook at Beautiful Behavior hosted by Diane Sorensen, of course. And if you're not on Facebook at all, you can check out my website at dianesorensen.net.

Mikki: Perfect. Well, I will have all the links to all of that in the show notes to make it very easy. But thanks for being here. Thanks for the work you're putting out in the world. And until next time.

Diane: All right.

Mikki: Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice.

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Mikki: Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.