Ep #13: Choosing Your Destination in 2022

I’m Mikki Gardner, and this is the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast, episode number 13, Choosing Your Destination in 2022. Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name’s Mikki Gardner. I’m a Certified Life and Conscious Parenting Coach, with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I’m here to help you do the same. If you’re ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let’s dive into today’s episode. Welcome, friend. I’m so excited to be with you now in the New Year. I hope that you had good holidays, that you took good care of yourself during those holidays, and hopefully had joy and love and laughter along the way. So, today, what I want to talk about is a little bit of a continuation on the last episode. In episode 12, we talked about creating intentionality for the new year. And so, as we begin this year, I just want to talk about how we can step into our life to create the life that we want. So, so often, I see—obviously, with the New Year, we hear about New Year’s resolutions, and it’s a new year, and a new you, and all the newness… It’s just new, new, new. But here’s the thing: if you’re anything like me, resolutions have never worked. And not only have they never worked, but inevitably, they’ve left me feeling worse than I do because now there’s more to heap on that I haven’t done or that I didn’t do or habits that I can’t create. I really actually reject this idea of a “new year” and a “new you.” Not the new year part, because it is. That’s a fact. But the “new you” idea. Because really, what we’re talking about, isn’t becoming a new person. To me, it’s about unbecoming all of the things that are holding us back. It’s about getting ourselves out from under all of the limiting beliefs, all of the “should”s, all of the expectations, all of the trauma that’s been heaped on us, so much so, that we’ve lost sight of who we truly are. And so, in this year and in this episode, what I want to do is offer you some ways to actually step into authenticity—step into intentionality in your life—so that you can really become the fullest expression of you. This is the work that I do in my own life every single day. This is the work that I do with my clients every single day. It’s about really uncovering our authentic self. It’s learning to hear and trust our own intuition, our own voice, learning how to step into the light, and being willing to be seen and being willing to be heard for who we truly are. And the way that we do this—I call it the “four A’s.” It’s the pillars of the work that I do with my clients. But there’s “awareness,” there’s “allowing,” there’s “agency,” and then there’s “aligned action.” So, what do those look like? Awareness is really—it’s a deep dive into self-discovery. It’s learning to get to know who you are. And we do this by uncovering all those limiting beliefs—those patterns that we’re stuck in—and all of the things that are blocking us and holding us back. The second step, once we become aware, is about “allowing.” This is learning to accept and allow what’s true versus the story that we tell ourselves so that we can become the calm, cool, and collected mom, woman, and co-parent that we truly want to be. So, once we’re more aware—once we have more allowing—well, then we step into “agency.” That agency is really about recognizing the choices and the options that are available to you in the situation that you are in right this moment, and then putting yourself into a position to make a conscious choice. And this leads us to the fourth “A,” “aligned action.” This is all about creating the confidence and the trust within yourself by taking action, taking conscious decisions, and living in a response—not a reactivity—to life with intention. And so, that’s what I really want to talk about, actually, this whole month of January over the next four episodes. And today, I just wanted to kind of uncover this idea of awareness—the first “A,” the first pillar. When we’re all little, all of us are wired. We just want to belong. We actually want to be loved and be seen and be heard and belong to a group. Not because it feels good—I mean, yes, because it feels good—but it’s also wired into us for our own survival. In caveman days, you could not survive on your own. You needed community. You needed people around you just to survive. And so, your brain is set up and your body is set up to wire you for belonging. That’s why it feels so intense when we feel rejection, when we feel separation, when divorce happens. Our body is literally—and our mind is telling us—that something has gone drastically wrong and that our life is in danger because our system believes that we have to be in community. And frankly, we just feel better when we are in community. So, this is a survival mechanism that’s been built into your body. And so, by understanding that, we can start to become more aware. Of course, we feel negativity when we feel disconnected from others. But this is why rejection feels so intense is because it actually is going against our basic wiring. And so, it’s helpful—I know for me—to know this. So, when we’re young, we start to create—and I know I’ve talked about it a little bit on previous episodes—but we start to create this avatar of ourselves—a strategic self. A self that we want to show the world. This avatar is the image of what we think will be liked, what we think will be accepted. The version of us that we think will belong. So, we change, and we manipulate ourselves to create this avatar to navigate the life that we’re experiencing. But here’s the rub: when we get rejected, when we feel disconnection in any capacity, really, it’s the avatar, because that’s the image that we’ve been putting out unless we’re living in authenticity. So, when we put out this avatar and it’s been rejected, we confuse it. Instead of thinking the avatar was rejected, we believe that we have been rejected—our essential self has been. But here’s the thing: it’s just simply not true. It’s the avatar that has been rejected. You and your essential self—who you truly are at your core—can never be rejected. You are whole and you are complete, and you are loved exactly as you are. You were brought into this universe that way and you will leave this universe that way. This is what I choose to believe. When you really boil us all down and you zip off the meat suits that we’re wearing around, we’re all basically all the same. We are a pool of consciousness. We’re energy. An atom, when you look at it, is 99% energy and one percent particle. Why is this important? Because we are all one. We are all essentially the same energy moving around. And again, if you take off the bodies that we inhabit, we would just ooze and pool into one another. And so, that’s why I know it to be true that who you truly are is not affected by the rejections that happen in the world—that are not hurt by the ex who is being very difficult, who is not changed by the divorce. You, who you essentially are, are unchanged, are whole, and you are complete, and you are loved. So, really, the work that we do—that I do—is learning to become aware of this. Aware that it’s the avatar. It’s the image that we’ve put out that we’ve created that is being rejected, that is feeling this pain. But our essential self is safe and whole and loved exactly where it is. And when we can learn to tap into that and come from that place, this is living in authenticity. This is honoring our true self. And this is where we want to be coming from. We want to find ways to uncover and separate from that avatar so that we can find our true self, because that is where all of our wisdom lies. That is where all of our power lies. And we can learn to trust that part of ourselves and show up in our highest version. So, the first thing is really starting to become aware of—aware of what we’re thinking. Aware of what we’re feeling. Aware of the choices that we’re making or not making. It’s really just about awareness—being willing to do the work to become more aware. It sounds simple. It sounds like it wouldn’t be that much work. But it actually is. We have so many thoughts running around in our head that we have to really learn to separate from “what is the story that we’re telling ourselves” versus “what is actually happening in the world.” For us to learn to step into our truth, we have to be willing to first look at it. And so, that’s what I want to offer you some tools about for “awareness” today. There are ways that you can do this in your own life. One of them is realizing that when we feel overwhelmed with feelings and emotions, we feel like it’s going to last forever, that we can’t handle it. We’ve talked a lot about feelings here so far, but the reason that we do anything in the world is because of how we think it’s going to make us feel. We naturally move away from negative emotion and towards positive emotion. But they’re all necessary. So, before we can start to allow the emotions, we have to first just become aware of what we’re feeling. Aware of what we’re thinking. Aware of the story that we’re telling ourselves. And so, one of these things is just being willing to realize when you are overwhelmed with emotion. For me, I have a trauma response that goes back to when I was married. And it is an intense tightening in my stomach. It’s a pulling. It’s a sharp pain. When I feel this, I used to think that something has gone drastically wrong. Now, I’ve come to learn that that feeling of anxiety, of fear, is actually my body’s way of saying, “Hey, I need you to pay attention to this.” Because when I pay attention, I can ask myself, “Okay, I feel this feeling. What am I thinking? What is going on here? What do I need in this moment?” When I’m willing to ask myself “What do I need in this moment?” and then trust and listen for the decision, when I’m willing to ask myself what I need in this moment and then listen to myself, this is power. This is empowering myself to be aware of what’s going on so that I can make different decisions. If we want to have a different life, we have to think differently. We have to feel differently. And we have to act differently. And that’s what this is all about. So, the first thing that I wanted to offer you is, sit down and really thinking about, “What is a common feeling that you have?” Maybe it’s anxiety. Maybe it’s worry. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s that tightening in your stomach like I have. Or many of my clients I know feel like they’re choking down their words—that they can’t get their words out. There’s a tightness in their throat. Whatever that is for you, just start to become aware of when you feel it. And when you feel it, you put your hand on your heart and you just say, “I’m okay. I’m safe. I’m loved.” Because, short of physical danger in that moment—at which case, ignore all of this and just run and get yourself out of it, clearly... But when we’re feeling this because of the way that we’re thinking or something that’s going on, whether it’s a text coming in, whether it’s someone—your ex—yelling at you, whether it’s an email that just arrived that you don’t want to deal with… Whatever it is, in that moment, what I need or what you need might be just to ground down and be aware that your body is having a response, and listen to it. Putting the hand on the heart and just saying, “I am okay. I am safe. And I am loved.” That could be enough to help you in that moment. The second way that we can create more awareness in our life is to do an inquiry. One of Byron Katie’s books that’s really wonderful and I recommend is Loving What Is. And this really can walk you through the process of using the work—using these four questions. But here they are: when you have a thought that you’re thinking, whether it’s “My ex is always looking for a fight” or “No one is going to love me” or “This always happens to me” or “I can’t believe I’m in this situation again”… Whatever the thought is, you just write down that thought and then you ask yourself these four questions: “Is it true?” Likely, you’re going to say, “Yes,” because it feels true because you’ve been thinking it. Second question is, “Can I absolutely know, without a doubt, that it is true?” Well, here, most likely, is when we can’t be 1,000% sure. So, if we can’t be absolutely, positively, without a doubt true, well, now we’ve opened the door to thinking maybe a little bit differently. And we go to question three: “How do I react when I think that thought?” So, this is where, if I think that my ex is always looking for a fight, I likely feel helpless. I likely feel really defensive. And then the way that I react is I fight. I continue it. Or I hide and run. So, we have to look at, “How do I react when I think this thought?” And then the fourth question is, “Who would I be without it? If I wasn’t thinking that in this situation, how would I show up?” We can sort of start to reframe it. “What could be different? How could I look at this differently?” Just the willingness to ask yourself these questions can be so beneficial, because again, we’re looking to create awareness. We’re not looking to change everything in an instant. But the more aware we become, the more power and self-knowledge and self-discovery we have to uncover those things—those limiting beliefs, those patterns that are blocking us and holding us back. And so, that’s what I wanted to talk about today. I just wanted to offer these ideas of awareness. We ended 2021 together doing an intention-setting exercise, and if you haven’t done that, I recommend that you go back, even though maybe it’s not the exact New Year when you’re listening to this, but we can always set our intentions. Because we want to create that guidance, that lighthouse for ourself, to know that we’re always working in the general direction that we want to go. And so, over the next few episodes, we’re going to talk about each of the four pillars that I do with my clients, that I help them work through. And this idea of “awareness” is just really sitting down and understanding—stepping into an openness to be willing to look. An openness to be willing to see things differently. A willingness to ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now?” when we feel overwhelmed. To be willing to ask myself, “What am I thinking in this moment?” You can find out so much about yourself when you just start to look at how you’re thinking. And sometimes all the thoughts just feel too jumbled up in there. I was talking to a client yesterday, and she said, “I’ve never been like this, but my head is just so mixed up. It’s like everything’s just spinning and I can’t find anything. I don’t know what I’m thinking. I’m just so overwhelmed.” And I understand that feeling and I bet you can understand that feeling, too—that you felt that way. In those moments, when we’re so overwhelmed, when we’re confused because there are just so many thoughts, that’s when we need to take a step back. Just step into stillness so that we can become aware of what’s going on. I often, in those moments, do a thought download. I literally, on a blank sheet of paper, get everything from my brain onto the paper. This does two things: one, it gets it out of my brain and onto the paper. But then number two: to create more awareness around it. Then I’ll actually go back and read through it and circle only the facts—only those things that are absolutely true. Without a shadow of a doubt, everyone would agree that they’re true. Because those things—those facts—that is what I can work on. Those are the decisions that I need to make. Those are the things that need to be evaluated. Everything else? Those are the limiting beliefs. Those are the negative thought patterns. Those are the blocks. So, once we start to see them, we can become aware of them. Once we become aware of them, then we can start to choose what we want to do with them. Sometimes it’s as simple as, when I get into one of my negative thought spirals, is just to say to myself, “Not today. Mm-mm. I’m not going to think that today. Negativity, I appreciate that you’re trying to keep me safe, but I’m just not going to think it because it’s not serving me.” It sounds simplistic—and frankly, it is—but just the awareness around “that’s a thought that I’ve thought over and over and over and I know where that train leads. I’m going to get on a different train today. I’m going to go step off and get on a different train that’s going to take me to a different station.” The definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result.” Well, for us to create the experience, the life, and the relationships that we want, we have to be willing to look at things differently. We have to be willing to think differently, to feel differently, and ultimately, act with aligned action. And that’s what just the simple step of starting to become more aware can offer you. So, that’s the show for today. And my hope is that through this episode, I’ve offered you a few new ideas to create the life that you really are desiring and some tangible ways to start creating intentionality, starting with awareness. Listen, I know that life today might not look exactly the way you want it, and you might not feel the way that you want to, but it’s not always going to be this way. And you are 100% capable of creating the life that you are dreaming of. I promise you. And if you know someone who needs this message today, I would be so grateful if you would share it with them. Just take a screenshot and share it over on Instagram and tag me, and I’ll share your post with a ton of love. And if this message has resonated with you, I would be so grateful if you would rate and review this podcast. It does more than you know. All of those reviews help other people find this and help us share the love and the light in this world that we all need. So, thank you so much for spending time with me today. I’m so grateful that you’ve been here. And I’ll see you next week. In the meantime, take good care of you. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit CoParentingwithConfidence.com. I’ll see you next week.