Ep #26: Choosing Who You Are

I'm Mikki Gardner, and this is the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast episode number 26. Choosing Who You Are. [music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same, if you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready. And let's dive into today's episode. Hello, friends. Thank you for joining me again today. I'm really excited about this episode because of the impact this topic has had on my own life and so many of my clients. But before we dive in, I wanna tell you a little story that maybe you can relate to. You know, at the end of my marriage, if I'm being totally honest, there was a lot of conflict outwardly with my ex, and a lot of internal conflict for me, there was a lot of tears, a lot of frustration and a lot of scary feelings, but the turning point for me came one night, literally in an instant, when I realized that I no longer wanted to be the version of myself that I was being, I didn't want my son to grow up thinking that this is what a mom look like, that this is what a woman accepted, that this is what being a wife looked like, so I made a really hard decision to leave my marriage for something more, I didn't necessarily know what that something more was, but I just knew deep in my bones this wasn't it, so it should have been easy then, right? Just don't be that person anymore, right? But it wasn't that easy, because I didn't know where I was headed. But I was even more lost than ever, there were even more complexities than before, there were even more unknowns, more houses, more bills, more time alone, more stress, more feelings, more of everything, and I found myself asking everybody all of the questions trying to figure out how to move forward. And I was getting a million different answers, I was being told by all the people around me what I should do, how I should feel, what I shouldn't do, who I should be, frankly, it was crazy making. It took me a long time and a lot of suffering to finally come to the answer, what was the answer that I found? That it had always been and would always be 100% up to me to decide who I am and who I get to be. My circumstances, my job, my DNA, my ex, my past relationships, my waistline, plastic surgery, my bank account number, none of it determined who I was, it was totally up to me to define it. And here's the amazing news. It's up to you, too. So that's what I wanna talk about today. It's who you are and who you wanna be. And listen, if those two things are the same for you right now, then go ahead, hit stop, grab yourself a big old treat for a job well done, and kudos to you, but if you're anything like I was. And so many of the courageous moms that I work with every day, there is a big old gap there, and that's what we're gonna work on today. So I wanna divide this conversation up into three areas. One, removing what's blocking you, two opening up to more, and then three, stepping into the energy needed. So let's start with one. Removing what isn't working. So here's the thing we can't keep doing the same thing over and over and over and expect a different result, right? We've heard this before, I think it was Einstein's famous quote, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. But how many of us wake up kind of reliving ground hogs day, doing the same things, the same patterns, falling into the same traps, and then wondering at the end of the day, why nothing changed, right? Logically, it makes no sense. And you're like, of course, but yet we do it every day, over and over. So we have to literally be willing to intentionally stop doing what is blocking us from being who we wanna be. So let me give you a few examples of what this might look like. I see this a lot with my clients, but a lot of my clients are locked into this conflict cycle with their acts and they just don't wanna be in conflict, so we literally have to change the way that we interact with the conflict. So if you have an ex that has a tendency to send nasty grams on text or berate you on a phone call, or you can ask a simple question and all of a sudden you're three steps down the road into him telling you how you ruined his life, yet again. You have to make a decision how you wanna be, who do you wanna be in that moment? And then we start removing the blocks by changing our behavior towards it, so maybe you make a decision that you just simply will not respond to negative text anymore. You make a decision, "I'm not gonna respond, I'm gonna delete it and I'm gonna move on." Well, to be able to remove that block and to make that change, we also have to look at why we're engaging. Because you think you have to? Maybe. Maybe because you want the last word. Maybe you wanna prove him wrong. Maybe you just wanna be heard for once. But whatever it is, that's what that need is keeping you stuck in that cycle, keeping you stuck in the person that you don't wanna be, and so we have to decide to do something different. It may not be the right thing to do, "right," but we have to be willing to shift and to stop doing the things that are keeping us stuck. Maybe it's something different, maybe it's you're just exhausted. Maybe at the end of the day, you're like, "I've done all the things. I'm trying to check all the boxes, I'm trying to get through my to-do list and I just never do. And I'm tired." Right? As single moms, we're doing all of it, and then some and it's exhausting. So sometimes we have to remove, what isn't working? The exhaustion. How do we do that? By creating rest. And I know for those of you with multiple children and no one else helping you, you're like, "Are you joking?" I'm not talking about going on a spa day or a retreat, or sleeping 10 hours, which would be lovely, don't get me wrong, but it's can we change and remove the exhaustion in little ways that could add up over time. What might that look like? Maybe it's moving bed time up 15 minutes once a week, and then over time, maybe you're an hour earlier getting an extra hour of sleep, maybe it's creating a minimum baseline of things that you need to do to just feel okay, what might that look like? It might be 10 minutes walking in nature, it might be having a shower to yourself, if you have to put the kids in front of the iPad to have 10 minutes in the shower, I think everyone is gonna survive, it's making little decisions that fuel you, that fill you up, so that you're less exhausted, it might simply just be learning to say no and letting no be a complete sentence. I know I've done other episodes on that and we can go back and look at those, but no, is a complete sentence. Maybe the thing that isn't working is that you just never measure up, feeling like you're always lacking, that you're always one step behind, maybe that you're not as put together as everybody else on social media, 'cause those highlight reels look pretty darn good. So in this instant, it's about removing something, it's about protecting your soul and just saying no to what depletes you. That might mean not going on social media, it might mean not gossiping, it might mean stepping away from tables where other people are gossiping and it doesn't make you feel good, maybe it's stopping over-scheduling yourself and opening up some freedom, listen, whatever it is from you that's blocking you, that you can see is blocking you from showing up as the person you wanna be, we wanna chip away at that, we wanna start removing those blocks. So now we're on to number two, which is opening up to more. Okay, so I'm not gonna dive into the movie, The Secret here, or any big manifesting spiel, but what I am gonna say is that the universe is freaking amazing. I'm looking out my window right now, everything is still a little bit brown 'cause it's the end of winter, but spring is coming, there's little buds on the tree, there's little sprouts of flowers that I can see sprouting up. You know what this is? Evidence for how amazing nature is, how amazing the universe is. Because every single thing contains within it from its conception, everything that it needs to be its highest version. I'm always using this example with my clients, but you look in an acorn, a tiny little acorn. It holds everything it needs to become the beautiful hundred foot tall oak tree that is unmoved and grounded and gorgeous, all it needs is a little bit of soil. A little bit of sunlight, and a little bit of water, and it has everything else. Everything in nature is balanced, I'm not saying it's not, nature can be violent, but everything is balanced and there's an ecosystem and it's working together, and everything is constantly being brought to it that of which it needs. And here's the thing, we humans are no different, the Universe is always bringing us exactly what we need. It simply our job to recognize it and trust it. So when we want to step into this next version of us, when we wanna open up to that something more. Remember, I said at the beginning of this that I didn't know what it was, but I knew that there was something more. When I wanna start opening up to that, to call that in, we have to have those core beliefs, the thoughts and the feelings that are predominantly positive, to be able to move towards it, it's a hope, it's a belief, it's a faith in something more. When we are working in that vibration, we are most strongly connected to our source, whether you call it God, Universe, higher self, whatever you wanna call it. It's your true state. And when we are connected to that, we are more in line with that version of us that we wanna be, and when we are more aligned with that, those synchronicities, those opportunities, those invitations naturally are brought by the universe for us, so that we can choose them to become part of our reality. It's really about taking the action with ease so that we can create a life that we truly, truly want. But half the time as women, we've never even asked ourselves, who do we wanna be? I know I hadn't until that moment, and honestly, it took me a little while after that to really ask these questions. I didn't even know that it was allowed, I didn't even know I had permission to ask that question. So here are a couple of questions that were really helpful for me that got me started thinking about who I wanted to be. These are what I use with my clients to help them start even opening up to more, opening up to the conversation and the idea that you get to choose. So the first one is, how do I want people to feel in my presence, and then journal about that. What do I want my kids to say about me when they're all grown up? And when I think about my happy place, what is it that I feel when I'm there that I love so much? When we answer these questions, we start to build a picture of ways we wanna feel and have others feel about us, this is crucial, because it's not enough just to think of what we want or who we wanna be, but we actually have to start feeling that way right now. Why might you ask? Because of what we just describe, that in order for us to be taking action that gets us towards where we wanna be, we have to start feeling that way now, so that we're taking what I call aligned action, we have to start choosing the feelings now, and then taking the action from that place, that higher vibration, which automatically takes us in the direction that we wanna go, it might not be a straight line, but it's definitely taking us towards where we wanna go versus backwards where we don't wanna go. And here's the thing, it doesn't even have to be huge, massive shifts, honestly, it can be really small changes that we make over time. I love the analogy of an ocean liner. You know those giant, giant cruise ships? So if they wanted to change direction, maybe some bad weather is coming and they need to change course, do you think they just turn the wheel? No, if they turn the wheel, Titanic, it would be over, it would just turn over. What they have to do is they start shifting the rudder about one inch, that one inch change in a little bit of time will take it in a completely different direction than it was headed originally, right? It doesn't have to be a big turn. It just has to be the tiniest of shifts. So what might this look like? In actual life. Well okay, here's one that I think we can all relate to. We wake up every morning and we think, I'm gonna be calm and grounded and get everybody off to school, and it's gonna be pleasant and smiles, and we're all gonna feel great. I like laughing to myself because I wake up that way every day. And honestly, there might be days where 30 minutes in, I've already lost it, I'm yelling, I'm pulling my hair out. So when I look at it, I have to realize if I wanna be at ease, if I wanna be calm, then I have to actually start making the shifts that set myself up for that, so that I can generate that feeling and take the action from there. So for that morning example, the one degree shift might look like waking everybody up early, 10 minutes early that I normally would, just to give us a little bit of space. It might mean making lunches the night before, so that everything is kind of done and I'm not hustling to get that done. Maybe it's packing the school bags and having them all right by the door so that we don't have to run around looking for the homework in the morning. So it's not really about never yelling, but it's about making the one degree shift over and over to create more calm, to create more ease and to create more joy. Because those are the things that really matter to me. And here's the biggest thing, it is about a relentless commitment to becoming the version of you that you wanna be right now. In order for anything to change, we have to be relentlessly committed to being that version of ourselves, not sometimes, not every once in a while, not when it's easy, but even when it's hard, even when there's chaos in life because we have to show up differently first, and it's when we show up differently first by doing that, then we shift into an alignment with the new reality that we want. It's just simply how it works. Now, I know some of you are already ready to hit comment and tell me that I can't be the person that I wanna be because of my kids, because of my act, because of dot, dot, dot, insert all the things. But let me ask you, whose permission do you need? Is there someone in charge of you? Is there someone who's dictating what you do and don't do? There is. It's you. So let me be totally honest about this process, it's uncomfortable, it can be hard, and it can be not a lot of fun, and here's the worst part, the people around you who are used of you taking care of them all the time, accommodating, all of the things not holding boundaries of people pleasing and sacrificing ourselves for them, or insert whatever your experience is, they don't like when we change, why? Because it's inconvenient for them. They're just fine with the way that it is. So they're going to push back, they're going to not like it, they're gonna act completely a fool when you change the game, when you start stepping into a higher version of yourself, when you start removing those blocks, when you start wanting more, when you start laying boundaries, they're gonna say no, thank you. Let's go back to the way things were. This doesn't mean that anything has gone wrong, and it does not mean that you should stop being the truest version of you. It's just simply part of the process. They call it growing pains. Because it's painful. It has to be, it's actually necessary for it to be a little bit painful, but it's okay, you can tolerate that pain. You have tolerated so much worse, and I know that it feels overwhelming, and I know it feels scary, and I know that it feels like, "Oh, it's just easier to go back to the way things were and just resign myself to just, it has to be this way," but it doesn't. No one is gonna tell you that you're allowed to be full you, no one is gonna come and hand you a permission slip and say, "You do and be who you need to be." That's your choice, that's your job, and it's your job to accept the growing pains, to go through the growing pains with the belief that there's something more for you because there is. And you know who benefits from that, you certainly when you show up as your highest version of you, when you're showing up the way that you really wanna be, you take better care of yourself, and therefore you take better care of others, you love yourself more, and then you actually love others more when you do this. So it's not just that you're benefiting everybody benefits, but the choice is yours, and so we have to start by understanding that we have to be willing to step into this new version to get a different outcome. So that's the show for today. I hope that this episode is offered you some opportunity to think about what could be possible in yourself in a new light. And if you are like HE-double hockey stick. Yes, I wanna do this immediately then it is your lucky day, because in April 14th, I'm hosting a workshop, I'm calling it how to confidently co-parent through the chaos of life. This workshop is perfect for those frustrated moms who wanna feel calm and grounded and confident no matter what life throws at them, and we're gonna be doing a lot of this work that I just talked about today, and so much more. It's totally free. It's one hour on April 14th. And if you want, just use the link in the show notes to sign up and save your spot today. But thank you so much for spending this time with me, I am so grateful that you listen. And if this episode has resonated with you, I would be so grateful if you would share it with someone that you think could use this message, and I'll see you next week, and in the meantime, take really good care dear friend. [music] Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]