Ep #104: Changing Communication

[music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Do you find yourself struggling to communicate with your other co-parent? Maybe it seemed like you could communicate for a while, but now not so much but can't figure out what's changed. Well, this is the episode for you, so stay tuned. But before we dive into the topic this week of communication and learning how to change communication, I wanted to just say, welcome to any of you who are new to the podcast. I'm so excited that you found us. And for each of you who are here each week and have been listening, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm just so grateful that you guys are here that I'm able to share with you to offer insight and inspiration, because this co-parenting journey, man, it's hard and it can feel so isolating. And so I'm happy that we're all here together in this because we're not alone. And so by banding together, it makes us feel less alone. And one of the things that I really love is being in communication with you guys, is getting into conversation, whether that's on the free clarity calls that I offer, or when you guys send me these cool new voicemails that we have on the podcast, or you send me a DM in Instagram. I love talking to you. So if you've ever thought like, ugh, I'd love to ask Mikki about this. You know what? Ask Mikki about it. Either send me a voicemail, which the link is in the show notes, or send me a DM on Instagram. I would love to see you there. And there's also in the show notes a clarity call link. If you need help figuring out how to shift things quickly in your co-parenting to make a positive difference, I want you to get on one of these calls with me. I promise you, you and I together will help you shift and reframe things to bring you a little bit more confidence and a little bit more ease immediately. But let's dive into today, because if there is one conversation that we have a lot on this show, it's all about communication, because communication is key to co-parenting well, but oftentimes it's really hard. Many of us don't have great communication skills. I'm raising my hand. I really struggle. Listen, if everyone would just listen to me and do what I said, my life would be so much easier. [laughter] Can you relate? Right? But that's not how the world works, and that's a dictatorship. And I don't wanna live in a dictatorship, and I don't wanna be a dictator. So that means that I have to get really good at learning more and more about communication and healthy communication. And the more I learn, the more I get educated on this topic, the more that I see is working in my own life, I wanna share that with you. It's what I share with my clients each and every day. And it's one of the topics that we work a lot on in the one-to-one coaching that I do with clients, is learning how to communicate well, to be an authority in your communication, to be flexible, to have healthy communication. And part of this is what I wanted to talk about today, which is when do you know that you need to shift to a different strategy of communication or when you need to just stay the course? And this came up because it's been sort of in different avenues coming to me, and so I really wanted to bring it here. There are clients that I have that are so triggered when the other co-parent's name comes up on the phone, that oftentimes what we have to do is really step into learning how to regulate their nervous system so that they can get out of that triggered response and into a responsive place. One of the little tricks that sometimes we use is putting a funny emoji for the avatar when the other co-parent's call comes in or give them a name that's not triggering. Anything to do to help signal to you that you can help yourself calm down from the trigger and learn how to respond. You know, I was talking to someone the other day, and for a long time, not talking to the other co-parent felt like the best option because she didn't feel like she could communicate in a way where she didn't overshare. And then that information would in turn be thrown back on her or handed over to the kids, which she wasn't happy with. So she started communicating only in written form. I see this a lot with so many parents. Another one of my clients when she first came to me could only communicate on My Family Wizard, no other. Not text, not email and only through My Family Wizard, because she found that that was the way that she felt safest to be able to communicate the information that was necessary. Another client that I have, she felt like she was really good at communicating, and they were communicating really well. But then, another woman came into the picture and the dynamic changed, and she no longer could communicate in the same way because she didn't know who she was communicating with. Her ex or the new woman. And then there's one of my other clients, she felt like she had to pick up the phone every time the co-parent called because those were the only moments when she could have any kind of back and forth conversation with them. But it was often on his way to pick up the child or in the middle of her workday. And whenever he called, it felt really intrusive. She felt very triggered, very unsettled, but she didn't feel like she could not pick up because it was her only chance. Can you relate to any of these? I know that I certainly can. And this is what I wanted to talk about today, because we have to learn to understand that sometimes. First and foremost, I wanted to talk about these because there's a few steps that we need to go through to help ourselves communicate better and get into healthier communication dynamics with the other co-parent. The first step is always to keep yourself out of a reaction or out of a trigger place. We all get triggered, we all react. That's human. Nothing's wrong with you. You're just a human being having a human experience. What we wanna do is be able to get out of that reaction, notice, become aware that we are reacting so that we can calm ourselves down. Literally, you are having a full body nervous system reaction when you are triggered or activated in any way. And before you can respond in a logical thinking way, you have to calm your nervous system down. And this is creating emotional safety for yourself. So that client that I was talking about that gets triggered when the name comes up and gets overwhelmed and sort of is in reaction and triggered, or the one that feels like she can't not pick up the phone because it's her only chance, or my client that didn't feel like she could talk because everything was gonna get thrown back on her if she said something wrong. All of these are examples of not feeling safe. Not feeling safe in her own body, in her own space, to be able to communicate in a healthy way. So this is priority number one. Always getting to awareness to understand, am I activated? Am I triggered, or am I in a responsive state? Because when you're in a responsive state, you can take responsibility for yourself. Again, you have that ability to respond. So oftentimes that's our first order of business, is to learn how to create that safety inside of your own body to get yourself regulated when you're dysregulated, because that is a place where you wanna start to communicate from, not the reactive place. Then it's like my client who felt like she was really good at communicating, and they were really good at communicating until something changed, right? Another woman came into the picture and she noticed that language started to shift in the way that he texted. Demands were suddenly being put on that had never been put on before. And she started to wonder, well, who am I texting with? Who am I talking to? Is this my ex? Or is this this random person? She had become dysregulated, and the communication was no longer working well in the way that it was. So when things change, right? Change is normal. We evolve. They evolve. There's new situations, there's new experiences that are going on. There's growth, there's expansion, there's regression. All of these things are happening all the time. And the thing that we have to learn to do with communication is learning how to be flexible, almost like pliable, like that big oak tree that I've talked about before that sort of sways in the wind. A storm can come by, that sucker is not going over because she is so deeply rooted in the earth and grounded. If we become rigid, we become brittle. And at the first sign of resistance or wind or pushback, we break. That's not where we wanna communicate from. We wanna communicate from that place of flexibility, of groundedness, of awareness. So that's why first and foremost, it's so important to be aware and make sure that you're feeling safe. Then we wanna start to understand that when things aren't working the same way that they used to, well, what are our choices? And by that, we have to start to turn inward and ask ourselves, is this something where I'm feeling good about the communication, I just don't like the outcome? Or this is the way that communicating works for me, but maybe it's not working with the other co-parent. Well, those are all times maybe you stay the course. Maybe there's times to set some new boundaries. Maybe it's time to hold some boundaries, but there are times when it's time to let go and surrender, right? Surrendering is not condoning or accepting or rolling over, but letting go and surrendering really means that you are choosing what you do have control over and what you don't, and you're choosing to let go of what you don't, right? Releasing the need to control it, releasing the resistance around it so that you can become more grounded and more present to where you are. So what does that look like? Well, in the instance of the client that I was talking about, who suddenly was seemingly communicating with a new person, right? Maybe it was her ex, maybe it wasn't, maybe it was a combination. She had no control over that. Now we talked through getting her to a place of feeling more safe, feeling more grounded, understanding what was going on for her. She was feeling very triggered by this new person. And so that was coming out in her communication. She was getting very short, she was getting passive aggressive, and this wasn't serving her. And so we had to really help her dissect and kind of untangle the messy ball of yarn to start to understand, well, what do I have control over and what don't I? Because then she can focus on how she's communicating and making sure that she's doing that from a place that she feels good about. She can also state, I prefer that you and I have these conversations, not this other person. And so for her, maybe she needed to take it off of text and step into more talking in person or on the phone where she felt more safe and comfortable understanding who she was in communication with, all the while letting go of this idea that she had any control over who she was communicating with. And so that was sort of twofold, and it was a really arduous process, but she was able to do it because she was able to go through the steps that I'm gonna lay out for you, so that she knew that she was communicating in the best way that she could, and then she was able to let go of the result, so to speak. Let go of the outcome so that she could show up the way she wanted to. So how did she start to do that? Well, it's like each of the examples I talked about at the top, it's really learning to go inward and start to look at what is happening for me here versus just looking at what's happening on the outside. If we just focus on the other person, if we just focus on the result or not getting what we want, we stay really focused on that, right? It's like a downward spiral. And then we find all the ways that it's not working versus stopping, getting yourself to a regulated place through breathing, through pausing, through movement. There's a number of ways that you can start to regulate your nervous system. And go back to maybe one of the other episodes where I talk about this. There's so much research out there right now online, or I'm happy to help you on a clarity call, but it's stepping back and saying, what is the problem here? Really getting clear on separating the facts from the fiction, and then asking yourself, once you get to the fact of what is the problem, right? Maybe that you are communicating with someone else, or you don't mean to, or that these things get thrown back at you when you overshare. Or maybe the problem is that when the other co-parent decides to call, it's not convenient, but you pick up anyway. Figuring out what the problem is, is key to awareness. And then we're gonna start to ask yourself the next question, well, why is it a problem? Let yourself ask why a couple of times. There's always the surface why? And then you ask, well, why is that a problem? Why is that a problem? When we tend to get 4, 5, 6 layers deep, we start to get to the root of the cause. Once you feel like you've gotten to the root of the cause, you ask yourself, what do I want instead? This isn't what I want. What do I want instead? And how would I feel if that were the reality? And then you start to ask yourself, is there anything I can do to today that can shift this, that can start to move towards the direction I want, as opposed to where I don't wanna go? If there is something you can do to shift, communicate in a different way, set a boundary, ask yourself, am I willing to do this? Right? Sometimes there are things we can do, but you may or may not have the capability or be willing to do it at that point. And it's important to know that. But if the answer is no, there isn't anything I can do to shift, well, then maybe it's time to let go. Maybe there's something to let go of and ask yourself, what do I need to let go of here so that I can move forward in a different direction? These are all just questions. It's like peeling back the layers of an onion. The more you can start to peel them back, the more understanding you have, the more understanding that you have, the more power you have to change. And that's essentially what we want, is to be able to change things. And you might notice that you do have the ability to change the communication, but it might require a boundary. And I've done episodes on boundaries, so go back and listen to those. But again, there's a process of setting a boundary. It's understanding what the need is or what the why is behind the boundary. Why does it need to be in place? You create the boundary that you need, you communicate that boundary clearly, and then you expect pushback. Why? Not because anything is wrong with your boundary, but because likely it's setting a new dynamic with a person who's probably pretty happy with the way things are going now, but you are not, which means you are entitled to set a boundary for yourself. So you expect pushback, you hold the boundary, you expect more pushback, right? They're going to push back. Again, not because you're doing anything wrong or that there's anything wrong with them, it's just human nature. So once you expect that pushback, then you get busy taking care of yourself, meeting the needs that you have. What was it that you needed to set that boundary? And how can you create that for yourself? This is oftentimes where we need a lot of support. I was just on a call with a client yesterday who is having to learn how to set boundaries in all relationships in her life. And it's scary, and it's dysregulating and it's uncomfortable. And this is where having a coach or a mentor or a therapist is so crucial because there's that person there helping you saying, it's okay, keep going, right? Let's get you regulated. Let's keep you going. Let's keep you on the path, sort of eyes wide open. This is the support that we need, whether it's in co-parenting, parenting, or just plain adulting. But boundaries are hard work. And so it's so helpful to have someone to help keep you accountable and to support you through it. There's a few things I want you to take away from this conversation. First and foremost, that things are always evolving, and we really have to learn to bend and be flexible, not rigid, right? When we get stuck in the black and white, when we get stuck in the, well, this is the way that I wanna communicate, and this is the only way I will communicate, it's very rigid. And maybe people like it, maybe they don't. So we could expect that it's not gonna go well all the time. Or maybe things worked for a while, but now they're not working so much. We have to learn how to be flexible and understand when maybe we just have to learn to let go a little bit, or maybe we need to stay the course and things are uncomfortable because the dynamic is changing. It's very nuanced. But learning how to be present, to be aware, to be grounded, and to be able to pull back the layers of this onion so that you can decipher for yourself what is needed is the best thing you can do for you. And it starts again by really learning how to peel back that onion, going inward to answer your own question first, instead of going outward, right? We don't wanna have to rely on the other person, on the other co-parent, on the jury of our peers, of our friends of our mom. You don't wanna have to rely on them for your answers. You wanna learn to turn inward so that you can answer your own questions, so that you can learn to put on that scientist hat and figure out, well, what isn't working? Why isn't it working? Right? Get curious, what worked, what didn't? What happens when I do this? What happens when I do that? When we're less attached to the outcome and more curious about what's going on, we become much more solution oriented. It's a growth mindset. It's learning how to see the solutions instead of just being focused on the problem. And this, my friend, is so crucial to communicating well because we have to be willing to say it wrong, to make mistakes, to not communicate well, right? So that we can learn how to do it. And a lot of that is learning how to create safety for yourself, to have your own back, and to keep showing up no matter what, because that's your only job, to just keep showing up for yourself. And co-parenting gets a whole lot easier when we learn how to take responsibility, stay focused on keeping our side of the street clean so that we don't have to clean up everybody's messes. We just work on our own, right? And we can learn to let go of what we don't have control over and step into what we do have control over. Step into creating the life and the family and the co-parenting dynamic that you want, even when it's hard, and even when the other person isn't helping. And the last thing I think is really important to note is that I don't have the answers for you. You have the answers for you. You have everything inside of you to be able to handle whatever is in front of you. And to do that, it's really learning how to trust yourself, how to step into answering your own questions like I just said, and learning how to create safety and security inside of your own body and mind and spirit, so that you are fully capable to keep the calm in whatever chaos is happening. And you are capable of it, my friend. I promise you. Keep going, keep trying, keep learning, keep listening, keep doing the things that you're doing. And just know that communication has to evolve. It has to change. What worked for a little while, won't work forever. And we might have to get sort of crafty. We might have to get nimble. We might have to move around. We might have to sort of change maybe in a way that we don't want to for a little bit so that we can get to a place that we're feeling better in. It's all part of the process. And being uncomfortable and being uncertain is part of the process too. And that's why making sure that you have the support you need around you is crucial. Crucial. And I want each of you to know that you are not alone in any of this. So if you have any questions, if you need support, you know where to find me, and I am here for you, my friend. So I'll talk to you next week. And in the meantime, take really, really good care. Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]